"Saru mo ki kara ochiru."

[faithisbelieving]

In the fall of 2006, October, while pumpkin-picking with the kids for Halloween, my W told me that she felt 'smothered'. Well, now, I feel smothered by her anger and hate. Without going into heavy details, my son became upset last night when his cousin from across the street, after a nice evening of hanging out with him, told him that his younger cousin 'tattled' on them...with regards to playing an army video game. My son became very upset.

Recall that this younger cousin was the one involved in the bus fiasco....that my W tried to have him forced into one seat on the bus and then wrote a letter to the superintendent. Ironically, she is his godmother. Of course, my W takes an offensive position against my sister's 5 year old son.

I took my son upstairs to talk with him...to try and teach him how to handle himself and his cousin...and to try and avoid my W's poisoning my son against his cousin (she advocates telling the school bus driver, the principal, etc whereas I try and teach him to handle himself, stand his ground if he is being pushed or shoved, and that he is older, taller and should have courage to stand firm and take care of himself). My W followed me upstairs to the bedroom and interjected from time to time, but, some of her comments I could support.
As I began to leave, for the first time, I said something that I was 'afraid' to say during my 'save the marriage mode' last year. "XXX....please...teach him to take care of himself...not to plant seeds of anger".
She got really pissed off at me...I got a 'how dare you say that to me."
This morning, as S7 got on the bus, my W thought I was smiling or laughing at her as I waved goodbye to S7. She stormed past me and slammed the door in front of me, then, came back in:
"what are you angry about?"
"How dare you laugh at me while I am in pain. How cruel....it shows how you have a cruel streak deep inside of you."

???????????????????????????????? I said nothing.
FIB

[fig]

FIB

sometimes we need to save ourselves...

i looked at it this way

just like in lifesaving classes...I wanted to save the person I thought LSS was

but

you can't saving a drowning person until they stop struggling

they will pull you down with them
so
you have to wait
and watch them struggle

sometimes
in their flailing...they even get to shore

maybe not the safest shore
maybe not the shore we chose

but they reached a shore of sorts

I needed to save me
to make sure that I was around to teach my boys the lessons they need to learn

there is no dishonor in saving yourself
there is no dishonor is admitting you are not equipped to save anyone else

we have one life to live
with grace
and dignity

we are children of God

and
God already suffered for our sins
he does not require us to repeat that

[Nutty Chick]

FIB.

Maybe a 180 for you is saying what you feel?? What have you got to lose? (I don't imagine you to be the type to say anything vindictive or hurtful ... just what you feel (as above))

One 'complaint' I would have about my STBXH is that .. he would never say what he felt .. he always tried to keep the peace for a quiet life. This was harmful in two ways. Firstly, it made me have very little respect for him and secondly, he stored loads of anger and resentment up. Saying what you feel and getting things out in the open is so much better and healthier. Yea, sure, your W may not like it, It may rattle her cage cos she must be so used to you 'keeping the peace' But it may well earn you a little respect from her in the long run and it is a good lesson for your son to show him that it is OK to stand up for what you think and feel is you do it in the correct manner.

NC

[princess_nic]

FIB,

Great post from fig.

As hard as it is to separate, it is excruciating to live w/ someone who can't stand the sight of you. I lived through that too, and it is agonizing.

FIB, what she accuses you of is what she is seeing in herself: you are her mirror, though you don't intend to be. She is acting in a way that is selfish, cruel and disrespectful and she assumes that everyone can see that and will pass judgement on it. Well, let her pass judgement on herself. You are doing a good job, no - a great one.

Take care of YOU,
N

[Bworl]

FIB,

You are weathering a heck of a storm now, and it sounds like you're really doing well.


The old adage from our athletic days is that adversity reveals character. If that's the case, you're learning much about your wife's character, as many of us have learned about our own.


The care and protection you show your children in the face of this mess also reveals your character. Of course, we're not surprised, because we've known all along that you are a good man.


Continue weathering this storm with the knowledge that, like any storm, it eventually passes and the clear skies will return.


Blessings,

Bill

[fig]

and

there is nothing prettier than a beautiful piece of driftwood

or seaglass

or my mother's hands

all things that have weathered storms

only to be different and beautiful in ways we never knew

[faithisbelieving]

Touched and understood. Some journaling later. FIB

[faithisbelieving]

Frustration....my sister called me today. She lives across the street. My W did not work today..nor the other day. Today, she saw my STBXW carrying boxes out of the house and into her car.

I hope it is not any of my personal belongings. Now...I wonder if her L told her to quit working. FIB

[ford]

time to take inventory.

did you ask her what she was baby steppin out to the car?

[Nutty Chick]

Not knowing what is going on is hard to cope with.

Presumably your W knows that your sister would tell you what she was doing. Could it be a mind game?

Act don't react. Do you have access to the house so that you can remove your property?

Thinking of you and hoping you are OK.

NC.