I was just getting caught up with your escapades. I guess you are getting yourself strapped in for another weekend, just as I am.
Originally Posted By: BobbiJo
My specific questions are: 1)How do I deal with the fact that he knows he doesn't want to do this but doesn't know what TO do? I need a MAN, to hug, to kiss, to ML, to talk to about life, to support and have support me, etc.
You deal with it in the simplest way possible. You extract the positive from what is present. That would be - "He doesn't want to do this." Also CORRECTION - You may WANT a man to hug, kiss & ML with. You do not need one!! Want VS Need.
It is time to take inventory of your positives. As you know, your family is comprised of more than just your confused H. Think of your family as a whole. I am sure there are many positves to think of there. Most of all do not head in the direction of DESPAIR. That area is ruled over by the Devil. That is where he wishes for you to go. Do not yield to the wishes of the Devil.
Make sure to have enough things for you to do this weekend for either you or you and the kids. Count on nothing from H. He is a long ways away from being capable of doing anything which will make you truly happy.
I hope and pray that God brings abundant sunshine to you throughout your weekend. Bask in the glory of what is good and right. Keep marching and be confident. You are getting it right.
I am sorry that I've missed being here for you all day. I've been dealing with my own "issues". I am sorry about what you are going through right now. I wish I could make it all better.
I know you feel like you might be losing everything you "dreamed about and always wanted". However, I doubt your dreams consisted of a cheating and lying husband. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just trying to make sure you have a little reality. This guy is putting you through hell. That doesn't mean the marriage should be over, it just means that you have to outline what you want. What it is that you need to consider allowing him back.
While I love Kalni, I disagree about telling your son. I think he already knows. Besides, I hate lying. Just in general it bothers me. I can't do it and won't (Sunshine, will you forgive me?).
You are a strong woman and a special person. Be strong and show him that strength. He will change or he is an idiot. If he is an idiot do you really want him back?
Boy are you right. About a lot. You are right when you warn me to be good b/c I get these urges (like I said, my emotions are all out of whack) to do things right in the moment but I always react without thinking when I do that.
And I am in a lot of denial I think. B/C if I completely, objectively looked at what H has done to me over the past year (and at other times over the past ten), there is no reason I should want him in my life other than as the father of my children. At least, not without A LOT of work on his part. Work on himself that he needs to do before he can work on us.
That is why I want to tell S now. Because even though I wish/want/desire that H will wake up from his current state, I feel in my gut that he is no where near ready.. So I need to prepare my S for that. My wishing for a miracle isn't going to help my son. For his sake, if for nothing else, I need to be realistic.
Speaking of S, I am planning to go over "the talk" with H this weekend, to practice for telling S next weekend. To me that isn't some kind of unnecessary relationship talk/drama, that is the reality we need to handle together as co-parents.
And if my H really is such an idiot that he doesn't want a strong, smart, funny, cute, witty, outgoing, cheerleader/pompom/sorority girl who is great with kids, and who also JUST happens to be the mother of his children and wife of ten years, I SHOULDN'T want him back. It doesn't mean I won't cry about it and hate it that it ends, but I shouldn't want him if he doesn't know how good he has/had it......
Oh and tomato, you are right I don't need a man. But I WANT one! It is so nice to feel a strong pair of arms holding you, touching you, I could go on,,,,,,,,,,,,,just suffice it to say it has been awhile
Save what you wrote on the post above. When you feel uncertain or unsure of your direction read it. I am proud to call you a friend and my "lil sis".
Other than the part of about "want". You'll have that again. I promise. You are too wonderful a woman to be lonely for long (either your husband pulls his head out or someone else finds out how great you are). I know what you mean about someone holding you. It's one of my biggest temptations with G27. She is a touchy feely person and I sort of miss that. You have to be strong and so do I.
K, I haven't posted b/c I don't know how to boil 3 days down into a page.
I think this is the turning point, make-or-break week for us. Maybe that sounds over the top, but that is how it seems. I am not at all sure what I should do, how I should do it.
The gist of the weekend is that H is an all-out mess. His back hurt so bad he couldn't sleep either night, that and our situation keeping him awake. His chiropractor told him it is all muscular and will only heal with time and rest. He says he has no time to rest.....add it to the list of his problems. H sees himself in this giant hole and no one can get him out but him. And he doesn't see any of the ropes or ladders that are all around him (his own strength, God, his family, friends, me, etc). Everything that can go wrong, does. He spent 4 hours yesterday putting a shower pan liner in the shower in the basement. Then he realized the Lowe's people gave him the wrong directions for the sealant and he had to tear it out.....then he was packing to leave and went down and another pipe was leaking....he actually broke down in tears several times yesterday. Everything, to him, in his life is turning to SH!T. My biggest urge is to say, everything is going wrong because you are making the wrong choices, but I didn't say that, not once.
Anyway our situation is I asked him to practice the talk with S. He didn't want to. I asked if I would have to do it alone. He said no. It comes down to he really just doesn't want to get a divorce, he doesn't want to break up the family. He said he feels certain that the news will "destroy", and "crush" our son. He cried when he said that. I told him the only other option for me was if H could commit to working on us being a "real" married couple, meaning I want the closeness, the trust, the partnership back. I said I can't stay with you just so Nathan isn't unhappy.
He pointed out that his mom left his dad a dozen times and always came back and that as a kid he wished she would stay gone from his dad b/c they were so unhappy together. I said, that is not what I want for us. But the options aren't 1)stay together miserable or 2)split up and be miserable. I told him in my book the third option was to change our patterns and make us a couple that didn't look like EITHER of our parents' marriages. It is just so hard for him to believe that is possible.
I asked what held him back from opening up to me. He said he has been close to me and then hurt me so many times he doesn't want to do that again. Doesn't want to find himself back "here" in 2 years, 3 years...........I said that was the whole point of our separation, figuring out if he and I could do the "work" needed to make sure we weren't the same couple as before. I also told him he was rewriting the past too b/c we have had years of good times. He agreed that was true, and I agreed I had done the same thing trying to overlook some of the bad times. Anyway I told him I needed him to be able to be my husband and let me love him like a wife should or we couldn't do this anymore.
He just keeps saying he has thought and thought and thought and hasn't been able to make a decision. He doesn't want to lose me, he knows "logically" (my word, based on what he says) that I am an amazing wife, mother, lover, friend, etc. He knows that the kids would be best served living with a mom AND dad who love them and love each other and are committed to being in a strong, healthy marriage. But he can't seem to make the leap into believing with all his heart that WE can be that couple.
Anyway he cried every time we talked about it. He wants more time, but he understands that I think it has been enough time. In his current mind state, another two months and I think we would still be right here. He says he wants to touch me, hold me, be close to me, but when he tries, he "can't". Some guy out there translate that for me. I wonder if it is guilt b/c he has hurt me so much and doesn't deserve those things with me? But shouldn't that be MY decision?
He said again how all he makes are bad decisions. He changed jobs a couple years ago, and regretted it. He isn't sure the job he is in now was a good choice. He bought a big truck 2 years ago, it was a bad decision. Now he thinks the new truck was the wrong choice,,,,,,,yada yada. So he is afraid to choose in our Marriage b/c it will also be the wrong choice. I told him not choosing was a choice b/c he knows that means I will decide on my own, that I have decided.
The bottom line is that I told him we will tell Nathan next weekend if he can't make a decision to "jump" and work on us by then. I know time lines and ultimatums are dangerous. And I do NOT want to get a divorce. And I KNOW H doesn't either. It was coming off of him in waves this weekend. He just doesn't know how to get it back on track. And I can't walk him through it, he has to do it himself. With all he has done to hurt me, hurt US this past year--and before that--coming back to our marriage has to be HIS decision, not something I "made" him do.......
So even though I do not want to go forward this way I really don't see a lot of options. Time is NOT on my side, I know you guys think it is. The longer I give H, the bigger hole he digs himself.......
He needs help. Not to continue my analogy, but he is a drowning man. Be careful, he will take you down with him. It's okay to love him, but do it from a safe distance.
He can't be what you need right now. Separation doesn't mean a divorce and I am sure you know that. But, in my opinion you need some space from him and he needs to get his head on straight. Right now my guess is that he hates himself for all sorts of reasons. There is no way for him to find a way to make himself happy and he is looking for someone to do it for him. The other woman was his attempt to fill some hole in him and it didn't work. He is merely flailing about right now.
You are going to have to be strong and determined. I wish I could tell you an easy answer. The only advice I have if for you to encourage him to find individual help. He needs it. Stay away until he shows you he is willing to work on himself. It's not a make or break time. It's a "he needs help" time. Let him get help and then work on the marriage.
Shock of all shocks, S got ANOTHER ear infection. Antibiotics ran out Wed, he was full-on infected by Sunday. He cried all day, his ear hurt, temp of 104, the usual
On the way to the Urgent Care at 9:00 pm last night, S made a few choice comments:
1)When we get an apartment in Iowa, maybe Daddy could get an apartment next door to us so we could see him every day. It would be nice to live by him and see him all the time.
2)But once we build our new house (H has always planned to build a house on the family farm), we could live with Daddy and be a family again.
My only comments were, "I know you will be so excited when you can spend time with your Daddy every day." And, "Yes, it would be nice if we could all live in a nice new house, wouldn't it?" Don't know if that was right or wrong....
I texted S's comments to H, who had just left the house when we did and was driving to Iowa. My only words on the text (I mainly quoted S) were, "Looks like he is smarter than we think. Apparently he thinks we will work it out though."
My H's reply? "Whoah". Don't know for sure what that is, other than shock.
I am not certain how to proceed this week. I am thinking I should let him see how it is going to be. When he calls, I will pass the phone to the kids, let him talk to them, period. Take myself out of the equation. I think it is the only way to know if he makes a decision to work on things, that it was his decision and not influenced any further by my actions/words.
Actually, I mentioned during our convo. yesterday that it should be easier for him that I have made the decision, b/c he won't have to keep having these conversations. He can just talk to the kids and not have to "deal" with me. He got all upset and said that isn't what he wanted...
So any way correct me if I need it, 2x4 me if I need it, I will welcome whatever you've got. But I plan to just remove myself from events this week and let him ponder whatever he wants to ponder.
