h and I just talked -- not good. he told me that he's never been happier in his life (with ow) and that he has never connected to anyone like this before. He also said he fell out of love with me during the period I was sick (it started end of 2005, stomach issues/anxiety), it affected my work, etc. we moved upstate and I got better. we had a great summer this year (I thought). stomach issues came back and panic attacks this past november/dec. he said he can't handle it anymore.
well, I hope his new girl never gets sick or has issues of any kind.
I'm so devistated.
He said we'll do the 3 months of counseling, but that he WILL go out 2 nights a week. period. I have no choice but to accept this for financial reasons. I can't kick him out over this. I agreed. db'd, actually. so I guess I have to begin acting as if we are separated and d is on it's way.
Re-read all the advice you've been given so far, and start writing down those suggestions. Pretty soon you'll have a good list of things to do next.
You can't move out, but move into your own space and make it truly YOURS. That's the best you can do for yourself, right now.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Just to let you know, I DID create my own room. took all my stuff out of master bedroom and put it in this guest suite we have (I've been sleeping there anyway for almost a year LONG before bomb because of his VERY loud snoring -- never affected sex life).
anyway, as you can read above, he is insisting on the 2 nights overnight until he moves out (after my 3 months of therapy). again, he's never been "happier" and then (now??) he told me all the things that made him unhappy in the marriage. AS I have mentioned before, he is one of the most emotionally shut-down people I have ever known. Never would talk about issues -- hates "all things emotional". well, yesterday, he told me that I was a bee-otch (can't swear hear), even a few of his friends said so (so not true, his friends love me), I rushed him in sex (that is very true, and I wasn't interested in sex for a long time, but just did it and would want to get it over with), but the main thing is that my health issues just wore him out. (I have experienced anxiety and stomach issues for periods of time and admit I have not been fun to be around, esp. when these episodes last months at at time). The last bout started in Nov. of last year (I'm ok now). Last fall was a dark period for me emotionally with stomach issues and panic attacks. I also had one day where I though of suicide (would NEVER do this, I was just in a really bad place that day). I called my friend right away and she took me to the emergency room for an evaluation. They wouldn't admit me because after I spoke to them for a couple of hours (psychiatrist) it was ascertained that I was def. not suicidal, but because I had a chronic stomach/anxiety issue, it was making me depressed.
Well when h came home, I told him what happen and he said, "you ok?" like asking if I remembered to pick up milk at the store). I said, for now and the was the LAST time he ever brought it up. Basically he can't handle this aspect of me. When I have these bouts, I ALWAYS do everything right away to get back on track. get back into therapy, get back on proper meds, etc. I'm actually learning how to make lease episodes last shorter and shorter, I'm much better than I was 2 years ago.
Anyway, h can't handle it. I guess it all added up for him. he says there is nothing that will change his mind at this point. now I totally feel in my GUT that if the OW didn't come into his life at this moment, I wouldn't be on this board. That is NOT to say that he was happy and the OW is the cause of this, NO. but I truly believe, she is an oasis, so to speak, no problems, fun, etc. she is a symptom, the good feelings he is getting from her was enough of a catalist to make the decision to leave.
NOw I am taking TOTAL responsiblity for everything I just said about myself. Totally. I def. could have been more loving during sex and honored that need for him. I could have been kinder (I DO tend to dominate, nag and bitch), he is correct in all of that. The anxiety issue/stomach issue (which is anxiety related), I went to about 20 different doctors, did EVERYTHING I could (1st bout lasted almost a year and a half). to get better. He was NEVER there for me during whole thing, I basically had to deal with it alone. Can you imagine being physically uncomfortable EVERY DAY (stomach) for 18 months and your spouse just isn't there for you? He actually made me feel at points that I'm a "nut job" because I take Zoloft for the anxiety.
Anyway, I know this is long, but it's so sad that we didn't have these talks PRIOR to bomb and his affair. Why couldn't he takl to me THEN?? We have a life here, a 5 year old!!! I know I sound angry today, but in truth guys, I'm just so f'ing sad. I'm just so sad because I know I will apply the db stuff for me and my daughter at this point because when I DO apply them I feel better, but it really feels like I have lost him and I blame myself.
ok guys, I did 2 very empowering things today. per nikb's advice, this morning before he came home after being with ow, I took ALL my clothes, toiletries, books, everything from the master bedroom and put them all away neatly in the guest room, now my new room. I also took photos of our daughter and a photo of my grandmother and hung them up.
When h got home, I happened to be in the bathroom, right next to bathroom, and he was like" where's all your stuff??" he started laughing but I could tell it really through him for a loop.
THEN, I went to my lawyers office and had a two hour meeting. We went over EVERYTHING, how much money h makes, his 401, pension, our household expenses, the works. I am actually in a very good position here. I can't get into the legalize of it, but suffice it to say, all the threats and CRAP that h told me about money, his responsibilities, etc. are LIES!!! My lawyer AND his 2 partners have been practicing in new york for over 40 years and basically their advice was don't listen to ANYTHING h is saying because he does NOT know what he is talking about.
The bottom line is I have TIME. h was making me feel this week like I had to sign papers and get on with this, blah, blah, blah. Well, the truth is, I have time and I don't have to do anything right now and there is nothing h can do about it. He can serve as many papers as he wants and since this is a fault state, he doesn't have a "fault" to get me on. Now this isn't to say iwant to hold him hostage, but at least I know I have TIME to figure out the rest of my life, both financially and emotionally.
Guys, I"m pretty new here, but for the real beginners, my best advice, I swear to god, is to talk to a lawyer. BEST thing I have done. I have him on retainer so now I feel protected. I can take as long as I need.
oh, and one more thing, to all of you who have spouses that have met the "loves of their lives", every lawyer in that room today made me laugh so hard telling me that in all the years they have been practicing, the affair ends 99.9 percent of the time. Why? Because it's based on an allusion. It's based on a fairy tale. No bills, no headaches, no wife or husband bitching at them - you get the drill. But as time goes on , the ow ALWAYS starts to make demands. Now the h (or w) has TWO problems, dealing with current spouse and this other person making demands. It's always the way.
They literally had me in tears with some of their stories. It's wierd, they are laywers, but they are actually very pro-marriage, because in New York, as it is a fault state and if there are children, the courts want what's best for the child and it's a very long and EXPENSIVE process for the h (or w) who is trying to get out.
check this out guys. please read above at my successful db'ing today. After I got home for lawyers office, I "acted as if" and (at one point this week in an argument when he was pressuring me to sign sep. papers, he said that I could have daughter (5 years old during the week in our current home and he would have her on weekend.
My lawyer said i should DEF. stay in the house. And if h is insisting on going out "2 nights a week" -- let him. don't argue, beg or reason with him. my lawyer is actually very db.
So when i got home I acted as if we are seperated (remember I took over guest room took out all my stuff, h totally noticed and asked why I did that. He also didn't know where I went today and I didn't offer an ounce of info, but was respectful and db'd. SO, he was painting our house today and at one point he comes into my room (I was trying to take a nap after not sleeping the 2 nights he has been with ow). he asked if I could take daughter to the park because she was following him around while he wsa painting (she missed him SO much past couple of days) and I very nicely said, "look when (if) we separate, I'm not going to be around to watch her. It's important that you spend time with her on the weekends because she loves you so much. Maybe you might want to consider taking her to the park -- she would love that". I said this in such a db way. This was actually advice I got from my lawyer, that he has to begin feeling what the ramifications will really be like and what life will be like if he follows through on sep/splitting up. I was very, very kind when I said this. he just kind of stood there and said, "you're right, ok". So I without guilt db'd and took a well-deserved nap!
THEN out of nowhere (about 10 minutes ago), he comes up to me and in the most sincere voice said, "Mary, I'm so sorry I've disrespectful to you". And then he kissed my cheek. We hugged for a long time and I just, "thank you for saying that, it's ok, I'm fine". He then kissed me on the cheek again. I did a "mini db backslide" for asking for a kiss on the lips and he just looked down (like ashamed or something) and said, "I don't think it would be right", but then he did it anyway.
I think you've done so much better during the last 2 days, mary. Excellent improvement on your outlook and mental/emotional stability.
In regard to your H apologizing in your last post, that is good. However, don't try to read too much into it or assume it means he wants you back. It is most likely guilt that is driving such actions AT THIS POINT. Continue being nice, confident, genuine, strong, sincere, etc, but DO NOT backslide with requests for things like a kiss on the lips. That reeks of desparation and only lends hints to the possibility that the way you are acting (i.e. DBing) is only an act to get him back. To be honest, I cringed a little when I read that. I know that I have been pretty blunt in my posts/responses to you, but please take what I've said to heart. That did not help your situation {and you knowingly admitted it).
One more observation. You ARE taking responsibility for your contribution to the failed M, but you are also playing the "but" game: "but H did this," and "H did that". It is true that you can't move on and continue to get healthy emotionally UNTIL you completely work through and exhaust the anger you have for your H at this time. However, you will eventually have to get to a point where you can accept/respect/empathize with his choices of late. Even if you disagree with them, if you love him unconditionally you will see the need for this at some point -- for him, you, and D5. Forgiveness in the genuine sense is a powerful thing for many reasons. Please remember this. I don't think you're even close to this point yet, but it is a prize worthy of continuing to focus on as a long term goal.
But get that anger out. Exhaust it.
Please check out a book by Bruce Fisher entitled, "Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends." It is absolutely fantastic, and excellent in helping your go through and deal with the various emotions that a person experiences when going through what we're all going through.
I'm very proud of your recent strides, Mary, and you should be too!
