I feel sad for you and just wanted to tell you to keep your head up. There is no excuse for the way he is acting he is just a weak individual right now. Just remember that you are better than this and fight your hardest to not let him drag you down anymore. You have probally heard this but its true the best thing you can do right now is to stop thinking about the situation all the time find some distractions. Nothing you do in the next days or weeks is going to save or break things. Focus on yourself do something fun find distractions. This is prboally not what you want to hear, but it is whats best.
Me - 34 W - 33 S - 5 D - 4 M - 14 years Bomb 1 Dec 06 Bomb 2 Aug 07 Separated - Aug 07 WAW Renting own place - Dec 07
Mary - sent you mail but wanted to post part of it here in case others have ideas. I think it's really important that you have an action plan for how you're going to handle tonight, since you know it will be hard. Envision how the Mary that you WANT to be would act - I assume that would be a strong, happy, calm, relaxed person, right? (as opposed to crying, begging, pleading, desparate..). Then act 'as if' and be that person.
So given that - I wanted to suggest an "action plan" to you for tonight since your H will be gone and I know it's upsetting you:
1. Move into your space, wherever you decide that is. Make it so you literally don't need to go back into 'his' room for anything (move all your clothes, toiletries, etc.)
2. Find something fun to do with your daughter. Go out to dinner and/or a movie or something, or make it 'girls night' and do each others' nails. Something like that.
3. If you have time.. do some decorating to make the room your own, even if it's just rearranging things and hanging up a few pictures. Make it a space that you love and feel peaceful in. At a minimum, get yourself some fresh flowers for your space (if you like flowers). Do you have a friend who might even come over and help you?
4. Think of what REALLY relaxes you and plan to do it. Bubble bath and candles, reading a book, whatever it may be. If it isn't working, do something active for awhile to help get yourself tired, then go back to the relaxing activity.
Hope that helps.. anyone else have suggestions?
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Maybe she could take this afternoon to look into Feng Shui (or however it's spelled); just something different.
And I love the act as if.
Mary, honestly, I saw your post earlier and I couldn't bring myself to respond (maybe my advice/response isn't quite what you are looking for anyway). Know why? I just don't sense that anything we say feels right to you. It goes against your grain to do some things that focuses on yourself. It almost seems to me like you are in a place where you may be thinking, "aren't you listening to me! My husband isn't coming home tonight! My world is crashing down!"
We are listening Mary. I do understand the feeling. I know about the knots in your stomach and the feeling like you're going to barf. You can't eat. Your heart is pounding. You feel desperate and don't know what to do. I do know these things and I'm sorry for you.
But I also know that a new relationship with your husband can't bloom from desperation. I know that you need to get yourself to a good place first. I've seen it on here before, it's like the stewardess says, "put on your own mask before turning your attention to help your child or the person next to you". You need to save yourself first, and that means finding the strength to realize you will survive this, one way or another. You CAN make life good for yourself and your daughter.
How do you do that? In little steps, as NikB suggested. Do something, anything, that is for yourself. I found it helpful to work through the worst case scenario and come to grips with it. Denying that things may come to divorce doesn't do anything to make it not happen. Accepting that the worst case scenario (divorce presumably) may happen doesn't do anything to make it more likely to happen. Once you've accepted that you could end up divorced, you can look ahead to what you need out of your life. Just think of little things at first...like what you want to do with little things, like your room. You need to find a way to remove the desperation from the equation....it's affecting your ability to effectively DB.
One other thing: This is a lifestyle change we are talking about, not a game. DB isn't about pretending to do this or that to get a favorable reaction. It's about actually doing these things. So think of things that you truly want to make better about yourself or your world, and do it. I made a list of the things and how I intended to accomplish them. You might try a few also.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
As I was reading JM's last post, the thing that popped into my mind was when my heart was completely broken by the guy I was engaged to when I was about 24 yrs old. I had been w/ him for about 4 yrs prior to that. I thought my world had ended! Turned out that, obviously, God had other plans for me. That was NOT the guy I was supposed to marry.
My point is this -- we've all had our hearts broken in the past and we DID live through it. It sucked at the time and, yes, this can be a lot different now that we were actually married and maybe even had children, but we WILL live through our ordeals now as well and maybe even come out better on the other side.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Just_Me - good point. Mary - we're enough past the point you're at that we're seeing what you need to do to get there, and maybe forgot about the "OMG my world is turning upside down" feeling. Well not forgot, but forgot to talk to you about it.
As Just_Me says yes, we are listening and we do understand.
Start small
Breath in Breath out ...repeat
Eat a nutritious meal - if you can't stomach food, drink a protein shake (those are all I ate for weeks)
KNOW that you are a good, loving, lovable, worthy person. Tell yourself that - almost constantly, if you have to.
Find the positives in each day - no matter how small
Take the space that you need for yourself (even if you don't see right now that you need it, you do - I set up a room for myself but never 'moved' there and it was a big mistake, I feel I could have coped much better had I gotten that space)
Do something positive for yourself (start with small stuff, like the idea of flowers, redecorating your room, watching a movie - maybe one of your childhood favorites? - with your daughter...)
Make a plan for the times you know will be tough, like tonight
That's a good start to get you through these first very painful days.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
thanks you guys for all the support. Tonight is his first "all night out" with me knowing about the ow. I feel sick. I really do. I don't know how to handle this. I know I should probably kick him out, but I'm afraid what that will mean legally down the road.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
well, guys, I got through last night. I admit, I took an ambien, but it didn't really last through the night. I was actually better than I thought I would be. I spent all day yesterday during the day crying (quite literally, out in the open, on the street, can you imagine?) and by the evening, I was "cried out", I guess.
But I also had some insights. I will NOT ask him about last night, snoop, remind him of "our family", put guilt on him, nothing. And I am not going to do that just for the satisfaction (because I know he's expecting it today), I'm doing it for me. MY dignity. If this is what he is choosing, I can't stop him right now. It's like trying to get a drug addict to stop taking drugs. One has to reach their own conclusions and see what their actions are doing on their own. I hope this doesn't sound self-rightious , or that I'm acting superior, but the only way I'm going to get through this is to focus on ME and my daughter and how I can make a kick-ass life for myself (and her) regardless of what he does.
Am I angry and hurt today? Yes, of course. My daughter cried (not just "i don't want to go to school, tantrum crying), but buried her head in my chest and cried for her father. It broke my heart. But I stayed strong. I didn't bad-mouth him (would never do that), I just said he had to work (she's 5, so she's a bit young to understand the concept). h and I start mc next week and this is definately one of the issues I will bring up. How we handle our daughter.
Am I feeling sad and rejected? Yeah, I am. This is the first time he has ever stayed out all night. And it would almost be better if he "lied" and said he was with friends or a work thing. But we're past that stage. The truth is out there now.
I realized something this morning. I had to pick up my daughter from school about a half hour after she got there, because she has a fever.
AS I was walking down the hall, I caught a look at myself in this huge mirror. I gotta say, I look damn good for 38 and I got through last night! I'm alive.
I think what I'm realizing is that my h has been closed down emotionally since the beginning of our marriage and (Not to blame him, I have my side of the street as well), but I am realizing that his inability to talk about even the simplest things and his inability to handle any kind of affection except in sex, were huge issues for me that I buried. I'm not saying I want the marriage to be over because he has many great qualities, but what I am saying is, at least for right now, I'm breathing. I didn't die last night. I took loving care of our daughter. I put her to bed last night, I got her ready for school this morning (she didn't feel warm to me and was acting ok), I picked her up right away when called that she had a fever, I just left a message for the doctor. The point is, I did all this in spite of the fact that my husband spend the night with another person. Something I never thought he'd do in a million years.
