I understand much of what you're saying, and see it all over the boards, as well. I guess it's part of MLC for most....hitting that period of being completely self-absorbed. And, I can imagine, that stage combined with a sudden lack of parental responsibility on a daily basis, pushes it harder.
Ostensibly, the busy schedule is "working hard" and being "career-minded". That leads to their misperception that somehow the dream of vaulting in one's career was stunted by marriage to us. That hurts, because it's not true.
If it were true, then they would just push the marriage aside, but not relinquish their parental duties. They would find a way to rise in career and life, while still being a great and engaged father.
I remember hearing my xh say "well, now I can throw myself into work, bc I'm not with an unsupportive spouse." Instead of saying "I am not capable of having a family life and work, because I am not mature enough to find balance in life that still allows me to be successful on every level."
This is what I hate. I fear that there is some growing, pervasive notion in America that having a successful career is mutually exclusive of a happy and full family life. That is the most false notion I can think of. There are plenty of great examples of great couples who are both engaged in work and great careers and still make a committment to a strong family unit. Not every successful man is divorced and single. I know that you were just as supportive as I was for my xh's career. Drawing boundaries for wanting more time is natural, and normal, to making a family thrive. It's unfair to assume that is what broke your M. Rather, it is what was your xh's inability - to be "there" on multiple levels.
I remember hearing my xh say "well, now I can throw myself into work, bc I'm not with an unsupportive spouse." Instead of saying "I am not capable of having a family life and work, because I am not mature enough to find balance in life that still allows me to be successful on every level."
Wow, did your X really say that to you? Mine came close, but not quite, it was just too far from the truth for even him to stretch it. He may have said it to others, probably he did, but not to me.
He did once though complain that I didn't set up a golf date for us with a couple that I didn't even know! I should have known then what was coming, since that is the kind of thing Nasty New Mrs. XH gets paid to do. But I wasn't quite that cynical yet.
Originally Posted By: always_14
This is what I hate. I fear that there is some growing, pervasive notion in America that having a successful career is mutually exclusive of a happy and full family life. That is the most false notion I can think of. There are plenty of great examples of great couples who are both engaged in work and great careers and still make a committment to a strong family unit. Not every successful man is divorced and single. I know that you were just as supportive as I was for my xh's career.
xoxo
Amen, sistah. You said it all, IMO. Not only is it a dreadful myth that a person can't have both, but that if one has to choose, the career success is more important because it has measurable economic value. We are a strange country though, where people brag about working 60 and 70 hours per week, then they talk about family values in the same breath! But I digress...
Thanks again always, I always enjoy your thoughtful posts.
S15 received his evaluation from his community service supervisor--she rated him outstanding and wrote "This kid is terrific."
S15 struggles so much with the learning disabilities, I just love it when he gets big-time positive feedback. Oddly, this is one of those times that I get very nostalgic for XH...wanting to share this with him right away, and exchange that proud look that parents have. Oh well, it is okay to feel that way and know it isn't my reality today.
Gotta go, busy day, just wanted to get that on "paper".
I know just how you feel. It's sad isn't it? Sometimes I just sit back and wonder where the heck did this wonderful Father go? Unfortunately, until they work there way through this self-centered stage they're in, this is what we've got. It's very hard though not want to reach for that phone because you're bursting with pride.
Come here, brag to us, we all know where you're at and how you feel!
AH- Hi! I haven't been around for awhile, but wanted to stop in and look you up. I've been catching up with you - great news on your son. Hope you are having a wonderful day! DBH
It is good to hear from you. I hope you are starting a thread somewhere so we can catch up with you.
Venting:
This was S15's weekend with his dad and nasty new mrs. XH. His dad picks him up from school on Friday. S wanted to do an hour of community service right after school, but couldn't do that as XH had a work-related function he wanted to get back to. Last night, S calls me, his dad and new mrs. have gone out somewhere and S has gone to the movie with his former child care provider(saint!) and her fiance.
Is it wrong of me to think that the weekend should be focused around S a little more, since his dad sees him 6-8 days/month?
This is one of those times that I'm pretty sure I know the answer... I need to learn to be peaceful, rather than right!!!
I'm flunking that right now, but willing to keep trying.
While I'm venting, I learned this week from S that OW"s dad passed away shortly before she and XH decided to marry. Reminds me of that post on infidelity from psych today. Is XH taking care of new Mrs. in her time of need so he can feel good--he wrote the book on substituting caretaking for intimate connection. Bleh, I don't like myself when I am so cold about someone else's loss.
I've actually had a fairly productive weekend but still need to make myself get out more, and let go of this part of my life that is OVER.
I sometimes have a hard time letting go, too. STBX has been saying "we" lately, refering to himself and gf, as in "WE'll pick up the kids..." and gf picked them up on Friday b/c he was busy. *sigh* Things like that still hurt me, even though I know it's over and I DO NOT want him back. I guess I keep thinking he's changed and turned into this totally caring, loving, thoughful guy...is that what you do, too?
N
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
[quote=princess_nic I guess I keep thinking he's changed and turned into this totally caring, loving, thoughful guy...is that what you do, too? [/quote]
Yes, in a way. I expect him to focus on S when S is with him...after all, most of the time XH chooses the weekends he wants to have S, I hardly ever have a conflict, so why the heck can't he schedule his oh so important social life on the other weekends???
Bleh. I am just living in la la land myself if I think the two of them are going to put someone else first, at least for awhile.
Thanks for visiting nic. I saw about gf picking up your kids, I thought you handled it really well.
I know, AH. My kids' dad does the same thing. And then he said he wanted to have the kids more, but he wouldn't fight me on it!! Good thing, cuz no way is that happening.
What's helped me is that instead of having "no expectations" - which btw I don't even think is possible - I have "low expectations." I expect him to the selfish and self-centered, and if he's not, it's a bonus. I'm serious - this has really helped me.
Nic
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
