what everyone is telling you is sooo true...but...I understand why you bailed him out...why you took ALL of the crap and then was still there for him...
but they are right. We have to stop. I have done the same for my H just a week ago. It's who I am and I didn't do anything I wouldn't have done for a freind. But the fact of the matter is. These men don't deserve us. They don't deserve our help. They've made the choice to throw us away like yesterdays garbage. So they should be on their own to pick up their messes.
I tell myself I helped H because I love him. Because I didn't want him to get OWI. To lose his DL. To have all that expense. But in the end I probably did in for the most part to try and show him that I am there for him. In another effort to win him back. I got nothing in return. It left him like a child that did something very wrong and got away with it. So he learned NOTHING.
Neecy we have to STOP being their scape goats. Stop making things easy for them. Let them go to be ALONE.
Ask yourself "would H be there for me if the shoes were on the other feet?" I don't know about yours but mine...H*ll NO!! He would laugh and yell because I am so stupid.
Be strong!!
TOH
Last edited by theotherhalf; 04/06/0802:14 PM.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
Ask yourself "would H be there for me if the shoes were on the other feet?"
I'm not even sure that's the right question, because even if they WOULD -- or even, as you said, you'd do it for a friend -- it would still enable further bad behavior and do nothing to help them become more accountable for their irresponsible actions.
No, the better question is, "What does this do to REALLY help this person that I love get the help they need, and what does it teach my children about chracter if I enable the bad behavior over and over again?"
I did take H to get his car this morning, and then I went to his parents house and told them everything up to and including last night. H is shocked I did it. They have called and ask that he come down and speak to them but he will not. Says he will be leaving when D goes to bed and will come back to watch her on his day off Tuesday outside of that no other communication.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
He is still at your house from last night? Went and got his car, then came back to the house with you? I couldn't have him in the same house as me. Keep your distance (not for safety reasons, but for YOUR peace).
Just checking in on you. Geeso - this is serious. I agree wholeheartedly with both puppy's posts. I'm glad you talked to his parents so that the truth is out in the open.
Why are those your only two options? D4 was being taken care of, you should have left the food on the table, beautifully set, candles burnt down to the stumps and snuffed out for good dramatic effect, and went out and did something for NEECY, and NOT let your husband know where you are going. Why do you keep pursuing him? Can you see where this is not helping you?? He boorishly blows you off, when YOU are there making him a birthday dinner, and then you go chase him and buy HIM, a beer? WTF???
I know, I must seem like the biggest idiot, I just wanted to be nice on his birthday. How did that work out for me?
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Well he wasn't at home so I continued driving towards the adjacent town where OW lives.
Why???
I guess because I wanted to know, just like snooping the phone bill or anything else, I have nothing to indicate the H has a physical relationship with her and he left the bar and didn't go home. Now I know he was on his way there becuase of where he got pulled over, I think it was to drive by and stalk her because when I dorve by her house was in total darkness, didn;t look like she was waiting for a visitor. Really who cares now?
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On my way I get a call from H to come get him. He has been pulled over by the police. It was almost exactly where I was so I pulled right in.
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He only charged him with speeding, he said he should have charged DUI but it would have resuled in losing his DL for a year and 10 - 15000 in fines. Very strict in Ontario.
[quote]Oh good. So the law enforcement authorities enable his bad behavior, too. How helpful. NOT!!!{/quote]
I probably should have left him there but I was scared, we live pay cheque to pay cheque, we really can't afford the $150 he did get fined not to mention however much it is going to be to fix my car. There is no way to afford $15000 and H losing his job because he lost his license.
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End of 2-by-4, but if you were my dear sister, that is what I would tell you. I'm sorry you're going thru this.
Much appreciated
Last edited by neecy22; 04/06/0807:52 PM.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
I am so very sorry to hear about all of this. I am stunned. Shocked and have no idea what else to say. Everyone else has said it all.
I just don't understand one thing:
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... And in the midst of my shreaking and yelling told me that he hated me and tried to choke me at one point.
WHY on earth is H still there???
I know you love him, but do you love him enough to "tolerate" this violence against you? HE TRIED TO CHOKE YOU....and he is STILL THERE. I am at a loss.
What happens when he gets angry again?
It WILL happen again....and god forbid D is there...because he knows he can get away with it, and you will do nothing to stop it.
(((I'm sorry, Neecy.)))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Good question, H said he is leaving tonight, I am waiting to see if he does. I didn;t really want to start up anything again if it can go by easily. I had thought all along if he left he would go to his parents. Well he will not even go and talk to them. At first his mother told me he was not welcome there. Further in the conversation and because of my persuasion(I know why did I feel the need to persuade?) she agreed that he could go there but there would be strict rules and he wouldn't like it there. She told me she would have thrown him out on day one and I should throw him out now and if he won't leave get a court order and tell them about last night. When I told her he said he was leaving and coming back on Tuesday to watch d, she said change the locks. Now, I know she is mad, but to me the parental bond is something my H missed out on and is critical in what he has become.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Neecy, I understand what you are saying about the parental bond and wanting your D to have her father there in her day-to-day life.
But, lady, your H is NOT in any kind of sane, rational, loving, nonviolent mental/physical/emotional condition to be the type of father you and I know she deserves.
WHY are YOU waiting on HIM to leave???
Everything that happened last night....THAT KIND OF BULLS**T CANNOT BE TOLERATED. IT IS NOT OK. H MUST GO.
Only WHEN he gets the appropriate help, then MAYBE he will deserve another chance with you.
I'm not telling you what to do either. This is just my opinion. In my experience, this type of behavior WILL NOT STOP until YOU END IT. Not H.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
