JM - I know you think I'm crazy and hard-headed but out of 5 ex-girlfriends, I'm still VERY close (friends) to 4 of them and not only send them cards but also gifts (3 are in my hometown, 2 are married and the only single one is my best friend). The out of town one is living with her girlfriend. My two ex-boyfriends & I do not stay in contact (they are married). I just hug them and have a few moments of friendly conversation when I run into them.
Thanks for stopping by my thread!! I know what you mean about seeking out other DB'ers who also have very little contact, or absolutely no contact!! For a long time I was worried about that, "how can I show my changes if we have absolutely no contact?" But then I shifted my focus to really working on myself and looking at my issues and making changes. I actually appreciate all this time I have to do that work. I think I need it.
I read most of your first thread, and then the last part of this one. So I might get things mixed up with the chronology. And I may say stuff that has already been said by others!! Please forgive!!
A couple things I noticed:
- It sounds like GF is really, really, really, really confused about who she is, what she believes, and what she wants. I am going to give you the same advice that I gave myself. I think the most loving thing you can do right now, as a friend, GF, and human being, is to give her the time and space she has asked for to figure herself out. I honestly think the more you remove yourself from the situation, the less she can blame you for anything, and the more she has to look at herself. The drama that's going on with her current GF/ex-GF and religion and everything is something she has to figure out for herself, by herself. Anything you say to try to convince her that she should believe the same thing as you or be with you will only make her push you away. I think that is the essence of LRT. You can still DB while you are doing all of this!
- It seems like most of your posts are about GF, and speculating about her GF. But from what I understand, whether our spouse/SO/whatever is involved with someone or not, it actually shouldn't affect our DBing. Also, what about K??? What are you doing to make yourself happy and GAL and work on yourself?
Do you feel like there is an intuitive voice telling you what to do? If so, what does it say?
I am not sure that this is helpful.... this is just what I noticed. ((HUGS)) transformer
I started graduate school back in August so I'm involved in that. It has gone well and I'm almost finished!
Tried to go out with my friends more. Tried to "work on myself". Very hard to do because prior to GF I had read tons of "self-help" relationship books and thought I was so ready. So I've continued to read and make attempts at becoming less controlling, listen more - talk less, etc. It's hard to implement these new changes without GF to try them out on. I sort of have a totally different relationship with my close, longtime friends where I can totally be myself. GF was such a "different" person, I had to be careful what I said and what I did to keep from offending her. Things I've never had to worry about with anyone else. But they are legitimate changes that needed to have been made. It's not like I'm changing "for her." I'm changing for me and my future, whatever that may bring. I've tried to lose weight and haven't been successful so far.
Unfortunately, I have no intuitive voice. I certainly wish I had one. I pray constantly for guidance but seem to get no answers. The only "intuition" I've had is the weekend I drove over because I felt certain she had put up a "for sale" sign in the yard and sure enough, she had.
Also, I really feel in my heart that she will return to me. It may be 6 more months, it may be 6 more years, but we weren't "finished." Does that make sense? Despite the arguing, differences, not getting along, we had a very passionate, loving connection.
I am very restless and was before I met her. I really want to move away somewhere else, bigger city, where I can meet people. But I'm afraid of being lonely and alone in a new place. I've never done anything like that before (except college many years ago). I'm not happy with my job so I'm trying to figure out WHERE to go and WHAT to do. I really am very blessed and probably should be content, but I'm not.
What does everyone think I should do to GAL or "work on myself?" I feel so much better than I did 4 months ago but I still don't feel happy to just be alone. I know how happy I was with a "significant other" in my life and I compare my life now and there's no comparison! What should I do?
I guess my question for you is do you need your gf in order to be happy? Try to be as honest with yourself as possible. If the answer is no.. then I would say to keep trying to stay active, keep yourself busy by getting a life.. if the answer is yes.. then you need to continue working on yourself. The only person we should ever need to be happy is ourselves.
Thanks WTG. Honestly, I am still feeling as if my happiness will come from being with a partner (and preferably GF). I'm OK alone but I've been alone too much of my adult life already. I'm at a "crossroads" where I'm ready to be "married."
What specifically should I do to "work on myself?" I want to become "ready" for the day when I meet the wonderful partner God will lead me to (GF or someone else).
I don't know that I'll ever give up hope that GF will return to me but I realize that I must move on.
The problem with thinking that your happiness will come from being with a partner is that you are so dependent on the other person.. when you need to depend on yourself. In needing to be with someone else to find happiness you are creating so much pressure (although initially during the newlywed phase it wouldn't be noticed) that chances are with time you will empty the life force completely out of your partner. Which is what I worry that I did to my H!
I've read a few books lately.. so I can't remember if it was from the Why Mars and Venus Collide or For Women Only.. but one of the stated that women are responsible for finding their own happiness... to the level of 90% and that they can expect there man to only be able to top off the last 10%.. now I'm not sure if it's the same when speaking in terms of two women.. but it is something to consider.
I think if you would truly find happiness within yourself that someone will come along (possibly your gf) when you aren't actively thinking about it or needing it all the time. KWIM?
Thanks W2G! You are exactly right. I was WAY too dependent on GF and she felt suffocated. I see that now and regret my behavior so much. I know I need to create my own life and be responsible for my own happiness.
I am doing so much better than a year ago. I am basically happy most of the time. I have ups and downs though. Sometimes I don't even think of her, I'm totally happy with whatever I'm doing, etc. Sometimes I get depressed. But it doesn't last long. It is getting better. It has just taken me a LONG time to get to this point. I guess I'm hard-headed.
What would you recommend besides trying to be happy & content (attitude) with being alone? I read a lot and enjoy cooking and, unfortunately, eating. I spend time with my close friends walking (for exercise) and going out to eat & to movies, etc. I work every day and go to grad school one night a week and have homework, etc. I am very active in my church. All that keeps me extremely busy.
There's just that daily (sometimes once, sometimes more) reminder that I don't have her in my life anymore and want her back. It's not just the life partner & sexual aspects I miss. She was my best friend for 2 years. I had a relationship with her like no other. I miss that.
What you can do to be happy with you.. have you achieved everything you'd like to where your profession is concerned? Your health (like healthy eating and regular exercise), have you taken up some new hobbies? Have you gone out of your way to make new friends? (Because when you continue to just do the things you always did with your SO.. even if you're happy doing them.. I find that in the back of your mind there is always the thought that "this is something we used to do together".. which means that although you're happy.. it's not an opportunity to be completely happy... KWIM (know what I mean?)). I'm also curious to know if all of your friends are in relationships? Most of mine are.. and I find that tough. It's getting easier with time.. but I'm looking to try to make new friends with people who are separated or divorced. I don't want the negative talk that might come with that.. but it will be refreshing to not here about my husband did this, my husband did that.. and the "we" word.. .
It's all so personal.. "I" truly don't know what you can do to make yourself happy.. That should be all of our goals. If our SO never came back.. what steps do we need to take to lead a full and happy life for ourselves?
I am in a different situation then you (as I have contact with my WA due to having a child).. and even I have a hard time with being happy with just me.. Thankfully I can get lost in my little girl and most of the time.. she really can remind me that I have so much to be grateful for.. which then allows me to remember the great things about me.. and that makes me happy.. I have some really good friends, which I've read in your posts that you do too, and in reflecting on how great your friends are you should internalize it that you draw great people to you.. therefore you are great.. seeing all of the fantastic things about you will hopefully help you to find your happy.
Believe me.. I totally understand the loss of your best friend (he was my best friend for nearly 9 years).. but for now I have a really good friend from work (former work.. quit my job last week) and I have everyone on this BB.. and it's not the same but it does help. Do you have a "someone" that you are able to confide in... kind of like a stand in best friend for you since the separation?
I wish I knew what the fix would be my friend.. I really do!
