WAW...now the LBS Part 2

[jmw128]

I am trying to DB, but I have my ...

ummmm....I seem to recall a chapter in the book about well-meaning friends/relatives...I understand protect yourself, especially financially. You might want to ask what are you protecting yourself from. What is the purpose of separating blank? 7 months and now this is really on your mind today...did your well-meaning family say to much to you recently. I know mine can...Only the few that really see how you feel have your interests in mind, the rest do not care and just want you to be happy, now. Maybe maybe 3 members of my family even give a ---- about the way I feel and say I should just do ----...just a reminder. Do what you think is right.

gl2u...oh last thing...48 hour rule...think/wait/etc for 48 hours. then if necessary do...no rush. Not like that phone is going anywhere.

gl2u again...

[christarn]

I am trying to catch up with ya a bit!!! I agree with your thought...you don't live there...don't help pay the pool maintence fee!! My H and I have a pool at his place if he asked me to pay half, I would simply say not until we are on more stable ground. Then I will start to discuss us splitting bills again.

I think sometimes no matter how things are worded we all get upset with our S's. And sometimes, as hard as it is, take it all with a grain of salt. I believe somewhere in Michelle's stuff she talks about believe nothing you hear and only 50% of what you see...or something like that keep that thought in the back of your head!! Remember the only person you can control in all of this is you! So just try to be the best you that you can be...and God will smile upon you!

I know somedays are harder than others, keep your chin up! You can this, and you are, one minute, hour and day at a time.

Hugs back at ya
christa

[jmw128]

HiC - how are ya? how's the last few days for ya?

if you have time would you chime in on my journal over my last night conversation with WAW...I guess I knew she would bring up D stuff again soon. She did say I was a good day now and stumbled over saying she would give equal time with 5D, and I said more than I needed I am sure...guess I need DB coach, although I am not sure what help I would get from it...blah blah

gl2u

[HOPEFULinCALI]

jmw,

Thanks for stopping by =)

Since last Friday I have only spoken to H once and he wasn't much of a conversationalist, but he has never been a big phone talker. I took into account that he hasn't had much sleep lately with the pain from his knee amongst other issues after surgery and that he is just plain in pain and uncomfortable.

I am getting better at detaching myself from his actions and words. I find it sad really that he is willing to give up his marriage in order to maintain the world of lies that he has created. My H is an intelligent guy, but doesn't seem to have the street smarts to know how to get his marriage back and save face with his friends and family. I wish I could tell him but that he will have to figure out on his own. Hopefully I will be there when he does, but if not that is the risk he takes.

I'll swing by your journal shortly.

[jmw128]

My H is an intelligent guy, but doesn't seem to have the street smarts to know how to get his marriage back and save face with his friends and family.

obviously intelligent found you :). Street smarts to get marriage back - I think that is more choosing to do it. Save face, I've thought of that before also...then again you were the WAW so you found a way. My WAW doesn't really talk to old friends so I suppose that would be easy. And her family would tell her to try...and I really don't care what my family thinks. I think people generally want to support there friends.

Hopefully I will be there when he does...

you know you will be...just like me.

gl2u

[jmw128]

thx 4 chiming in in on my sitch...yeah i kind of felt like I just said to much and some things just left better unsaid. With her saying little, I just listened to myself talk. Kind of like "and another thing"..not a royal backslide, feels like status is the same. I guess we all know how that goes, always got something you wish you had said to them...why? like some of those things I said are going to make a difference. To clarify something, the counseling thing for 5D I did ask WAW for help in November and she didn't say or do anything. Now that I blew my chance last night, do I bring it up again?

anyhow, thx again for your help, comments, insight...time to reread again...

gl2u

[jmw128]

Thx again, HiC, I reread your post several more times, and posted in my journal about it...I think when rereading, I understand you to say that I should find counselor for 5D then ask to join for co-parenting, etc...

It wasn't to harsh...you didn't knock the PMA. You probably were not brutal enough. I think you were holding back, I did feel awful, when I put her shoes on.

Funny you said I should divert conversation. That what I wanted to do initially, but felt I had to say something about equal time and answer do I want to fight her in court. Instead diverted conversation to whatever and achieved ???

Big help to me today...refocused...thank you so much.

[HOPEFULinCALI]

yeah i kind of felt like I just said to much and some things just left better unsaid. With her saying little, I just listened to myself talk. Kind of like "and another thing"..not a royal backslide, feels like status is the same. I guess we all know how that goes, always got something you wish you had said to them...why? like some of those things I said are going to make a difference. To clarify something, the counseling thing for 5D I did ask WAW for help in November and she didn't say or do anything. Now that I blew my chance last night, do I bring it up again?

I know the feeling. There are a million things I want to say to my H on a daily basis, but you once gave me the advice to the effect of by saying something or taking some action what will I accomplish. Until the WAS is ready to hear it probably nothing.

There are definite circumstances in which something must be said particularly when it comes to children.

We live and learn. I agree that it wasn't a major backslide just another thing that didn't work. You were able to keep the conversation pleasant.

When you asked WAW about counseling did you mention it in general or did you have a class or session in particular that you set up or brought to her attention.

[HOPEFULinCALI]

obviously intelligent found you :). Street smarts to get marriage back - I think that is more choosing to do it. Save face, I've thought of that before also...then again you were the WAW so you found a way. My WAW doesn't really talk to old friends so I suppose that would be easy. And her family would tell her to try...and I really don't care what my family thinks. I think people generally want to support there friends.

Thank you:) True I did find a way. My roommate and I were discussing this very thing last night. I said to her "I understand his reluctance to be honest when he has build a world of lies. Furthermore, although it was difficult for me to face the friends I had told about the sep and possible D that I was going back I realized only a fool would throw away their marriage for selfish pride. I think it may be more difficult for my H because he has gone above and beyond lying about filing or being divorced, having a girlfriend, no doubt painting me in a bad light, and having multiple EA's with girls who all know each other. Having to fess up to his lies and set the issues straight will at the very least look like a person of questionable character and perhaps even lose him some friends and gain him some enemies."

The town he grew up in in Greece is a very very small town so it will be quite difficult for him to run away from any negative consequences. But I still have hope that the H I married will return a come to his senses.

That is great for you that it will be easier for your W. One less battle.

I reread your post several more times, and posted in my journal about it...I think when rereading, I understand you to say that I should find counselor for 5D then ask to join for co-parenting, etc...

Exactly. When you offer to do things together, for daughter, with daughter etc. it is best to have something specific in mind/planned (i.e. not - do you want to go to see a movie this weekend but rather I am planning on seeing such and such movie on friday at xx:xx time would you like to come along. Not the best example since you are not at the dating stage, but you get the idea.)

It wasn't to harsh...you didn't knock the PMA. You probably were not brutal enough. I think you were holding back, I did feel awful, when I put her shoes on.

Ok good. It is a brutal thing, the mind of a WAS, even the most "well meaning, well mannered" ones. I don't want to be too harsh to anyone, but only to show the reality of what a WAS may be thinking so that the LBS can have a better understanding of what they are up against. Disclaimer: I'm no expert.

Funny you said I should divert conversation. That what I wanted to do initially, but felt I had to say something about equal time and answer do I want to fight her in court. Instead diverted conversation to whatever and achieved ???

You have handled yourself wonderfully. Definitely when it comes to 5D you shouldn't settle for anything less than equal time. What did you say to fighting her in court?

I have my moments and you have been a big encouragement. Thank YOU.

[jmw128]

I agree that it wasn't a major backslide just another thing that didn't work. You were able to keep the conversation pleasant.

Yeah, I don't think backslide...just same. Conversation was friendly and nice, just two people talking just topic just stunk. Typical us, like when together, nothing accomplished by the call and she mostly listened, rarely commenting...now she is thinking I guess.

I don't want to be too harsh to anyone...

after rereading your post all afternoon, I deserved a 2x6...you can be harsh to me. I really could have handled that conversation better and I lost sight of many of my mini-goals that would enable my DB goals. I needed someone to say what you did...thanks

You have handled yourself wonderfully. Definitely when it comes to 5D you shouldn't settle for anything less than equal time. What did you say to fighting her in court?

thanks appreciate it. Like I said not a royal blunder, just could've done better. I feel like things are basically the same not worse, maybe even a speck better b/c she gave equal time and said "I am a good Dad now, I see the 5D needs you." As far as court comment, her original statement when she got to the topic was, "why are we prolonging things. (she ummmed and hmmmed and continued) I will give you equal time if that is what you want, I can contact lawyer and he can redo papers, every month I go deeper in debt, would you sign a no-fault or do you want to go to court and fight." She said all of this in the same nice, friendly, normal voice...when I started to talk, she interrupted and I said are you going to listen and she said I am listening now. Then I stumbled and ummed, etc before saying I don't want to fight with you, and basically into what I posted in my journal...she has no grounds for fault and cannot get a no-fault w/o me signing. So, her court comment is something said but we both know she cannot do that. So asking me to sign no-fault is basically asking me for D...she cannot get it any other way. blah blah

thanks again...I thought a lot about what you wrote last night and like I said...needed that smack upside the head.

Had to call her yesterday, relative in surgery. She was friendly, nice, "hey", etc...so, like I said, similar status.