S15 is going to a black tie charity event tonight with XH and Nasty New Mrs. XH. For some reason it is hitting me very hard and making me very, very sad. XH and I used to get many compliments when we were in black tie.
How adorable - S15 in black tie! Is this is first event?
(((( AH ))))
Sweetie, I'm so sorry about all of this. It still hurts. How can it not. Don't beat yourself up about it. Identify what it is that hurts, and then you move through it, the best you can.
You are NOT being replaced as his mother, certainly not in his heart. Look at all you do for him, in school, in life. You said that H was not very participatory in his schooling and struggles. How can 1 event replace any of that? It won't.
Mrs XH. Well, she can have your XH.
Keep remembering the man he has become now. Evasive, unemotional, and moving though life like he's coated in Teflon. That's not the man for you. It may be right for Ms. Nasty XH, and if it is, then good for them.
I found that these feelings of being left out and replaced came from feeling/perceiving that somehow xh's (then) life was fantastic and on course to what we had dreamed...that he was the same great guy I met, only to someone else.
It took a LONG time, but I finally got it through my head that he was TOTALLY a different person (OK, seriously whacked out person), and any great life he was leading was not something I could ever want. Not with him.
My love to you. It still hurts and I hate that. It's natural to feel these things - though I wish the pain would stop soon. It will.
If somebody asked your S, if mrs Nasty was his mom, he would sure say HELL NO loud and clear beautiful.
Lissie you read my mind on this one. I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying "S, don't let them introduce you as 'their' son." I didn't say it, but it was just choking me not to. I think I upset him anyway though, 'cause I had to get off the phone quickly.
You are NOT being replaced as his mother, certainly not in his heart. Look at all you do for him, in school, in life. You said that H was not very participatory in his schooling and struggles. How can 1 event replace any of that? It won't.
This seems crazy, but I don't even want strangers to think she is his mom. How weird is that. I just don't like the idea that he might appear to be "theirs." And of course he will. Bleh.
Originally Posted By: always_14
I found that these feelings of being left out and replaced came from feeling/perceiving that somehow xh's (then) life was fantastic and on course to what we had dreamed...that he was the same great guy I met, only to someone else.
It took a LONG time, but I finally got it through my head that he was TOTALLY a different person (OK, seriously whacked out person), and any great life he was leading was not something I could ever want. Not with him.
This is very perceptive of you...I do think exactly that. But the guy I married would have not moved on a son. Period. A wife maybe, but a son, never.
You are NOT being replaced as his mother, certainly not in his heart. Look at all you do for him, in school, in life. You said that H was not very participatory in his schooling and struggles. How can 1 event replace any of that? It won't.
This seems crazy, but I don't even want strangers to think she is his mom. How weird is that. I just don't like the idea that he might appear to be "theirs." And of course he will. Bleh.
Originally Posted By: always_14
I found that these feelings of being left out and replaced came from feeling/perceiving that somehow xh's (then) life was fantastic and on course to what we had dreamed...that he was the same great guy I met, only to someone else.
It took a LONG time, but I finally got it through my head that he was TOTALLY a different person (OK, seriously whacked out person), and any great life he was leading was not something I could ever want. Not with him.
This is very perceptive of you...I do think exactly that. But the guy I married would have not moved on a son. Period. A wife maybe, but a son, never.
I'm going to journal my observations about XH just for a minute for I can see them in black & white.
He has restructured his life so he is regularly out of town, and very active weeknights as well. Much of it is work-related, but optional in a very real sense; not necessary for the job he has but for the big one he is seeking.
As someone with my own career, I was always pretty adamant about him not being gone all the time during the day, AND the nights, AND the weekends when we had a young child that we went to some great lengths to adopt.
I see now that whoever he may have been then and whatever he may have felt, now he is a living a life that is not conducive to raising a kid without substantial compromise and effort from the other parent (i.e., me).
As he was leaving today, I said something about S15's next scheduled weekend with me. It is one that accomodates Xh's out of town schedule. I mentioned a conference that I would have liked to attend, but softened it by saying I was too behind and probably best that I not have tried to go. XH responds by saying he understands, he is very busy too. I wanted to barf, he is not a single parent, he doesn't know from busy. But he does, of course, but his busyness is self created.
Okay. I needed to get that out. I know that it is the "wrong" focus, focusing on him, not me. But I still need to remind myself that right now that I couldn't enjoy living with him, we'd be at odds too much over the way he is wanting to spend his time and his life.
One of the many great things I learned about myself on this board how strong "quality time" is a love language to me. I am glad to know that about myself for future Rs.
Okay. End of ramble. S15 is home and I'm glad of that. I am truly way behind, but that can be remedied one small step at a time.
