I guess it's time to get to work

[Sara]

That sounds good Michael. It is these things we don't know about that are really hurting our marriages. That's why communication is so important. As long as we each think we've swept our complaint under the rug and avoided dealing with it, the harder our lives become. There is a lot of stuff that both of you have put up with from the other, thinking it was better not to say anything, but then holding on to the hurt feelings. And these hurt feelings set a pattern that leads to looking outside the marriage for the support that we should get within the marriage. You did well to not get defensive, but instead be thoughtful and take her comments to heart. This is the path to healing.

[Dr LOve]

I made a sexual comment to my wife last night in private and she gave me a look of disgust. I asked her why she seemed bothered by it and she told me that she finds a lot of my comments and actions demeaning. I defended myself telling her that I am only kidding around and besides, we used to always joke around this way.

Hey MMC,

Been there done that. My W has not said this but... I know she felt that way when I did this also. And like you it was something we too had done in the past and it was ok.
I think you have a great PMA and you give me inspiration all of the time Soooo I hope this does not bring you down but MY PROBLEM is when My wife thinks this I ask myself "then why was it ok to meet a married man in a hotel room and dress up wearing a pink cowboy hat and a boa and him with Pink Dye in his hair and words written in pink across his chest and allow him to take pictures of you? WAS he just interested in your mind? Was he going to leave his wife so you two can talk philosophy? Discuses the meaning of life?
Ya see I don't know your sitch but I have done without sex because I was married. If My WIFE felt she did not have the need well so be it I signed up for this contract. IT"S the fact that something I gave up for her was NO BIG DEAL that she gave it to someone else.

Catching up on your sitch because you and I are so close to the same thing sometimes it’s scary but I do have a question. Did you W actually move out with the OM? See this is where I feel like a wimp. My W NEVER moved out.
Stay strong big guy. We will get through this.

DrLove

[Michael Mc C]

My wife has never even met the OM in person. It started as an online relationship and secret phone calls late at night. I suspected something after a picture was sent to her cell phone (she pulled the phone out of my hand and pretended she had no clue what the picture was).

Things escalated quickly after that. He walked away twice and came back twice. The second time he came back she was so far gone there was no stopping her from leaving me and the kids. Her phone never left her side (it was under her pillow while sleeping).

Can't get into all the details but OM finally saw the light and walked a way a 3rd time just after mid-December.

It has now been 3 months since their relationship ended. The last month and a half has been where I have seen things beginning to turn around and we began to talk about our marriage and how we MIGHT be able to save it. It was only last week that she said she wanted to make it work.

During this time I have bounced between elation and despair. I was elated to see us reconnecting and rebuilding and to hear that she WANTS this marriage. I felt despair when I looked back and saw how our marriage was dragged through the mud and felt no desire to carry on. I am sure that these swings are to be expected.

I still have swings but the extremes are no longer so far apart. As I have posted previously, I can easily beat myself up for letting her down with some of the things she has been telling me. I have spent the last 6 months working on my issues which I knew had caused problems in our marriage.

I won't beat myself up though because without knowing these things - without the open communication - I simply can't get an accurate reading on how WE are doing.

[Dr LOve]

without the open communication - I simply can't get an accurate reading on how WE are doing.

Yes my man. this is the secret. My W also will not let her phone far from her side. This will be something I will tackle later on. TRUST... She can look at my phone anytime..
I too am working on communication. BUT..... you seem to be taking on more of the "cause" of your W actions that seems fair. SHE could have told you what was bothering her also.

We will get through this buddy.. you watch my back and I'll watch yours

Dr Love

[Hope4us]

MMC, Haven't posted to you before, but I'm inspired reading your thread (I'll get to the earlier ones later).

I seem to be about one month behind you. OM dumped WW (as best I can tell) on 2/6. She told me she wanted a divorce that night. 6 weeks later she's telling me she's not going anywhere for at least 2 years (when last son graduates from H.S.). And just these last couple weeks she's started responding.

Hoping in another month she'll make the commitment your wife has. I had a friend on another board tell me that breaking up the affair was the easy part. It's the recovery that's HARD.

Not trying to TJ. Just wanted to say Thanks for the lift! You're an inspiration that I'm on the right track and things will work out as long as I'm patient.

[Michael Mc C]

Been a week of ups and downs here. The downs have been due to my over-analysis of things my wife says and fluctuations in our interactions.

We've had a couple of awkward conversations and things really seemed to be going downhill quick.

Last night was no exception I'm afraid.

Anyway, I wrote my wife an email explaining what I believe to be at the root of my behavioral changes - trust. She hasn't given me any reason NOT to trust her since sometime around the beginning of the year and yet whenever I sense a shift in her dealings with me I start to wonder what's on her mind, what she's planning - in short, I'm looking for a sign of deception.

Coming to that conclusion this morning has been a weight off my shoulders. My trust in her will not come overnight. She also has trust issues with me. Not that she's afraid I'm going anywhere but she wonders when the other shoe is going to drop and I prove that my changes are not real.

Time, patience, growing and healing.

We're going out tonight to see Milo Z with some friends and family. She has never seen them and we're both really looking forward to a night out.

[Dr LOve]

I wrote my wife an email explaining what I believe to be at the root of my behavioral changes - trust.

Dude...Yes you are right. It will take time. But what you need to focus on is what you can change and what you can't. I know where you are comming from. EVERYTIME my W left the house, thoughts of "is she going to see him?" came across my mind. The funny thing is "He" lives about 800 miles away... So what got me through this "trust issue" was I can't change the fact that she is leaving the house. And if she WAS going to see him I can't change that eaither. so I can not worry about it. There really is no trust issue you need to deal with in your R right now that is really THAT important... Hey think about me... soon after I found out about the affair I had to have surgery. I put my W down as the person that would make the desision if something went wrong to "pull the plug" Ok now that is really something I had a hard time with. but I did it.
What I am trying to say is try not to worry about trust at this time. Unless you two are in a knife throwing contest there is not much she can do R wise that can hurt you. I guess it is part of letting go...
"trust" me I have been there done that...

Dr LOve

[Michael Mc C]

I agree Husband. I have also come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do if she ever decides that she needs to leave me. I have gotten myself to a place, or at least close to a place, where I will be fine.

The issues come when I begin to feel that we're really working at things and then, when there's any kind of a lull, some defense mechanism gets triggered and I start thinking it's all a sham.

Anyway, I was running out to grab some cash for our night out and was looking out onto our deck from the kitchen doing a mental inventory (keys, wallet, cellphone, etc.) Wife came up from behind me and gave me a hug and said "drive safe".

I was NOT expecting that but I reached my arms back around and gave her a hug back (in an odd kind of way). It was very reassuring. I believe it has been inspired by my email but that's okay, I also believe that she needed some help to break the inertia.

We went to see Milo Z (I posted about them a few weeks ago as well). We had an amazing time. We danced the entire time we were there. And Milo Z is FUNKY so the dancing was quite close and exciting!!

I bought Wife their CD and she had it signed by Milo. Went back BIL's house for a bit and got home just a little while ago (2:30-ish).

And a bit of a feather in my cap - I had all of 2 drinks while we were out. I told my wife a few days ago that I would not be going out for drinks although I might have a couple. Me + Sitch + Drinking = Trouble

I usually need a little liquid courage to get out on the dance floor but not tonight. We walked in, grabbed a drink for my wife and were on the floor within the first 5 minutes.

So instead of me drinking and getting moody and pissed for NO reason, we had a great time and she has been smiling from the moment she first heard the band until she went to bed.
Speaking of which, it's my time to sleep.

I'll probably be dancing for the next few days. Glad we got the CD so we can "practice" for the next time Milo's around.


If they ever get out to your various locations, I highly recommend checking them out.

Gimme dat, gimme dat, gimme dat, gimme dat funk!

[Dr LOve]

The issues come when I begin to feel that we're really working at things and then, when there's any kind of a lull, some defense mechanism gets triggered and I start thinking it's all a sham.

Ok MMC Quit writing about ME..... There comes a time... not sure when or how it happens but you realize that ALL of your feelings are caused my you. YOU make yourself Sad, YOU make yourself Happy. It’s like music..... If ya listen to a sad song you get sad... if it's a Happy one you get happy...what we need to do is just like with the radio...if a sad song comes on we can turn the chanel, we need to learn how to do that when situations arize in our lives...Ok you have a great opertunity here... Remember how it felt when your W came up behind you and hugged you... I bet you are smiling right now thinking about it..Ok LOCK this memory in your head...... NEXT time this trust issue or any other issue that brings you down shows its ugly head THINK ABOUT THIS HUG....It really works... Sometimes when I am sitting in the room and W walks in I can bring up one of these happy thoughts and I start SMILEING...

Take Care buddy ya owe me a beer...


Dr LOve

[Michael Mc C]

Ha ha! Owe you a LOT of beer!

Yeah, and that's the point I was able to get to yesterday (think it was yesterday). My doubts are byproducts of everything that has happened in the past 6+ months. If we're going to heal, I need to let go and see what's happening NOW.

That hug, her calling me "love" last night, the hours of dancing are all things that will help to keep me looking forward. Don't want to miss a thing.