Bruce, Great comments! Women are smarter in everyway. i like your comment about not putting our happyness in the hands of others. It is our choose. I am losing myself in her. I think she thinks I was out with another women last night, I had several phone calls this morn and she said why don't you answer "her" call? I assured her there was no her.
This is (your below comments from Purr's page) exactly where I am. I could not have said them better. My W is so negative about me right now i can not stand it. Any question I ask her nicely turns into this huge black holed arguement. It is terrible. I feel she hates me so much and I feel I have done nothing to deserve this. She must feel that i am holding her back from doing something that she really wants to do. i don't know anymore, I am very confused and trying to make sence of it all. i need to start thing just about me but that is very hard with three kids in the house and a W that I am very concerned about.
"Do you really want to be with that type of person? I know that's a blunt question, one I still have a hard time dealing with. I know the type of person I want and need to be with, and in many ways my W was/is not that person. Still, the pull of history pulls us back, or makes it hard to walk away, doesn't it? It's as if part of me knows it's time to move on and take what I've learned in search of a better relationship, yet part of me still holds out some hope (naive?) that the old relationship can be transformed. I see transformation in myself, and read a million stories about transformed marriages, and want to believe it's possible with us. But I also know that many situations don't end that happily. Our wives are on their own journeys, and we must continue on ours."
She said this morning that we need to seperate. I said nothing. I do not want to move out and would be afriad for my kids. We have discussed splitting time at an apartment but i think that would be very confusing for the kids and us. I wish we could just work this thing out. If she would just be kinder and speak nicer it would go a long way. She is in a ton of pain. She again told a MC today that she did not love me. The MC called me back and said that basically what she was saying was she did not love herself, therefore it was hard to love anyone. Thanks for your support.
So much pain in all this, hey? I feel sad for your situation and you have really been holding an extremely difficult space during this time. Sounds like your W. has a LOT of anger, but also that sometimes she projects it onto you (eg. implying you are having an affair). I would agree with the MC that she is really struggling and not happy with herself. From there, everything becomes tainted. I am sorry you find yourself in this really difficult spot. Do you think you may need to pull back a little on this to protect yourself?
I empathize with what you are going through. It's like we are watching someone drown, yet we cannot do a thing to save them and they blame us. Yes, we probably do deserve some blame for not being the person we could have been had we known better. Take this opportunity to learn about yourself, love, and life in general. She sounds like my W--a deep lack of self esteem and love for herself. Terrence Real, whose books have really helped me, makes the powerful point that a lack of self esteem inhibits the abilty to give AND receive love. I read that and immediately recognized this as a big problem for my W. Self esteem cannot come from us; they have to find it themselves, if they ever do. Our decision is to determine how long we are willing to wait, and how much we are willing to put up with. Neither of those, I am finding, are easy choices. I've had family and friends tell me to leave my W immediately, as if it were that easy. It's not.I am guessing that she has had family and friends tell her the same thing.
Out gALing again tonight. i am starting to get good at this. i did have a nice dinner with w and s12 and then went out. great conversations and just good all around fun.
Bruce, my wife is drowning face. i can not wait til she hits rock bottom so i can be there to pick her up and give her the love that she needs. My family is dieing for me to leave her and her family realy loves me but see's the one sided stories that she tells and wants her out also. she is in a deep fog that is not clearing soon, it is very sad. How long to wait and how much to put up with are the BIG questions.
I was thinking that pulling back would include anything that you can do to take care of you. You're already doing really well with your GAL pieces, so keep this up. I don't have any great ideas...I guess I was just feeling how you are hurting from her actions and words. It must be very difficult to be under the same roof and seeing each other with all this going on. Sorry I don't have much to suggest...I'm just feeling for you and the frustration and pain that is clearly going on.
Good for you for having fun. Live in the moment, both the good times and the hard ones. You will know one day if you've had enough. Trust the process and fasten your seatbelt for this bumpy ride. Make it a good day. The power to do so is within you, no one else.
Wow, we can never tell what triggers the venom, can we? Sorry to hear this, but roll with the tide and try not to let it bother you. Easier said than done, but resist her drama. This is about her journey and her issues, and you can decide how long you want to wait and how much you can handle. She seems really messed up. Your happiness today, and any day, is a function of what is in you. Don't put your happiness in her hands, or anyone else's. Take care.
