Sorry to hear you are in a rough spot and feeling low. It seems like you are going to be in that place for a while. We'd like our pain to pass quickly, but I really do believe that if we open up to it, really face it, and face ourselves, we will be better off in the long run than if we pretended we really weren't hurting. So, good for you for acknowledging that pain to yourself and to us. I really feel you are doing well, despite the hurt you feel.
I don't mean to pry too much, but do you "have" to know her plans for the weekend, or do you "want" to know? If the latter, try detaching even more and just not caring where she goes or with whom. I know, easier said than done, but maybe it's necessary in your case.
I think I am doing a good job of facing my pain. I have never hurt like this before.
I just really want to know what she is doing, S12 and I were suppose to go to Vermont but cnacelled and found out after that she had plans for Thursday, Friday and Saturday night. I think that is a little crazy. She always tells me it is none of my business but she says that to hurt me and get me going and I am dum enough to allow it. She had a E/A and it is always on my mind that she is meeting him somewhere or someone else. It really hurts. I really should cut it out but it is very hard to do.
Tree - thinking of you. Detaching is key, and the sooner you can do it the less 'damage' you will do to your relationship. Just concentrate on you, and let her do her own thing over in the corner, but dont let if affect you.
I agree with you, it sounds like she is trying to push you into making a decision to leave so you are the 'baddy' in the situation. Detach so that this doesn't happen.
Try and accept any decision she makes. If she decides that she wants to go off this weekend and date other men and be totally irresponsible, accept that she is doing the best she can, and she is allowed to make that decision. I often think that WAS try and push the buttons of the LBS, but to not show any reaction to their bad behavior is the best way of remaining in control, and therefore being attractive.
SO HARD!! I know! I promise it gets better from here. You will be OK even if the worst thing you can imagine happens, you will survive and be stronger for it.
Thanks Essie, I always enjoy hearing from you. It really breaks my heart to think she is with someone else. I am a proud person, way to proud and I hate when peole take advantage of my kind heart. I have been trying so hard to detach. That's why we were going to Vermont, to just get out of the way of the train wreck. I think she gets madder when i detach. I know she gets mad when I Gal and have a PMA. This is really strange behavior. It really hurts both mentally and now it is starting to get me physically. I now weight the same as I did in High School. I am trying to gain weight but just can not put it back on. i am down 25 Lbs. I really am starting to feel optomistic about the future with or without her. My pysc thinks she is Manic Depressed, MLC and has serious Anger issues. Nice combo isn't it. He says it is up to me to wait around and see if she pulls out of it but he promises me that the little girl I married is gone for good. In sickness and in health, that was my vow.
Hey Tree. Tell me what are you going to do this weekend that you are looking forward to and will be a 180 for you?
(It is so important to look after yourself mentally, physically, spiritually during this tough time - and its hard because it doesnt seem to matter anymore). At least you dont have to worry about being overweight!
I'm so pleased to hear that you are feeling more optimistic about the future. You sound like a great guy!
We still may go to Vermont. It's 4 hrs to the North. I don't know what I could do to do a 180. Maybe not ask her where she is going and what she is doing. Very hard! i just want to get away. i have gone away 4 out of the last 5 weekends just to give her space. Maybe I will stay home and just hang with my other sons and stay out of my W's hair.
Mentally: I see a pysc every other week. It is so great! I love it. Keeps me very grounded. He let's me know that I am going to be fine and I am not nuts (yet).
Physically: I work out like a dog every other day, sometimes up to 2 hrs per day. I stopped drinking in August when all this really started and eat really well, not enough, but really well. I love to get my endorhines flying. Love to ski and play golf. At 48 I may be in the best shape of my life.
Spiritually: May need a little work. My sister is working on this with me. She sent me this prayer today:
A Prayer for Healing from the Pain of Divorce
I am holding it all together on the outside, God, but on the inside my heart is crushed. I never imagined the future without her. I never imagined myself with her.
Help me, God. Give me the courage to face the past and to learn from it. Remind me to take the past and to learn from it. Remind me to take the take the time to grieve for all that is no more. I feel so alone. Be with me, God. Teach me to believe that here is hope for me, that I will love again.
Heal my heart, God. Fill me with the strength to gather up all the broken pieces, and begin again.
Wow thanks for that beautiful prayer! You will love again - you have shown that you have great capacity for love.
Dont ask her what she is doing this weekend. It will drive her crazy!! (I love it!) She will probably start to drop hints about what she is going to do, and then that is the perfect opportunity for you to be nonchalant, and tell her something fun you are planning to do. Be happy for her when she does drop hints about what she is going to do - tell her that it sound nice and that you hope she has a good time, but mention that you might not be home when she gets home.
Definitely work on doing a 180 - something that is totally out of your comfort zone.
Ideas - something less sporty and more cultured might be a 180 - like a wine tasting / cooking class (great way to meet women), watching a play or going to a museum (?). Has W asked you to fix something around the house, some sort of DIY project? You could buy some of those tapes on how to learn French / Italian, and start talking about how you would like to visit Italy and France next year (and then actually go!). You could volunteer for something in your community. Just some ideas to get you thinking. I look forward to hearing some of your ideas.
Sounds like you are doing really well at looking after yourself physically, mentally and spiritually - good for you! I know you are going to come out the other side of this test a better and stronger person.
Ohh - go shopping and buy yourself a new outfit (including new shoes) - that will get her attention. I think your aim is to be a strong centered person, that way you will attract her back to you, and put you in a position where you can decide if you still want to be with her. This might be a bit radical but could you get a new haircut, dye your hair, get a fake tan, have a pedicure, get new glasses (or contact lenses) or whiten your teeth????
Obviously the whole point of this 180 behavior is to chose something that you want to do for yourself.
Unless of course you feel like W's major complaint has been that you have ignored or neglected her. In which case you could make a small non-pressuring gesture to show her you care. A thoughtful gift maybe?
Hey I'm still thinking about you.... It would also probably help for you to concentrate on acting 'as if'. Act as if she is happy to see you, be with you.
And a while ago you mentioned showing her that were reading the Good Divorce - dont do that! Its pressure! No relationship talks - avoid it like the plauge. I see that you were trying to show her that you are OK if she wants to get a divorce. I did a similar thing at the start of my separation by bringing the divorce up and joking about it - it doesnt help them when they are feeling confused about divorcing or making it work. You have to, have to, have to, give them time and space to figure out what they want, not force them into making a decision..... even though that is what we want so we can get some resolution and direction. Be patient! And focus on you!
tree you still in the game my friend. you need to keep DBIng my wife asked me today if i wanted to see other people. mabey im wrong but this confirms my thought she is haveing a EA with someone. i told her she needed to do whats right for her, and that was her desision to make. inside im dieing but untillle the D has dry ink on it or i hear a PA is going on im not done yet.
