My story, please help

[GavinO]

Hi Germ, its a nightmare isn't it.

Incidentally I have been looking at things and understand a bit more about DB and the goals, I had the following short term goals (and still do)

1) W continues communication
2) W spends more time at home & with me
3) We talk small talk/rubbish

I had actally got some good ground with them, we had dinner together (seperately) and breakfast together which she cooked.

But I backslid and seem to have f*cked up on Sunday as I pushed and chased. I hope there is not too much damage.

She said she was going to take the property list and marriage cert and stuff to the solicitor on Monday, but the list and the cert are still at home as of this morning.

Her parents are away this week and she said that she will be staying there, definately on Wednesday, maybe on Thursday, but she was not back last night and I did not hear anything so I assume that she stayed at her parents.

I am letting go slowly but never giving up! I will focus on goals and DBing and I am in for the long haul, i hope to minimise my backslides and get as many baby steps forward as possible.

I owe it to me, my future and my W to never give up. I hope that she 'calms down'/loses focus/sees sense whatever and comes to realise that M is not all roses and easy and that love is more than just the high (kept it going for 9.5 years which is good eh!), that there is a deeper understanding and love that is worth going through pain to get to.

A magic wand will also be handy if anyone has one spare

[GavinO]

Is it normal for the WAW/spouse to be completely uncaring, not interested and extremely foul mouthed?

For instance she has called me every 4 letter word under the sun and more, with extreme venom as well.

Is it also normal for them to stick the knife in and twist it practically non stop?

Also is it normal for them to appear to try and burn every bridge? hate my parents, doesn't want me to contact her parents or her sister.

Also some of the things she has said and has said other people have said are somewhat untrue from what I can gather.

Also considering that it was only the begining of Feb that she seemed to be unsure, its not that long ago and she has gone downhill!

Is this & the other stuff 'normal' behaviour? because I think it is ultra extreme and think it is a bit silly really and completely unnessisary.

Any advice?

[gForce]

I think abnormal behavior is the norm. Also, demonizing you is a way for them to convince themselves that their questionable decisions are justified. Think of them as a possessed pod person. That is the only way I could rationalize my W's own irrational, atypical and sometimes erratic behavior.

[GavinO]

Hi Gforce,

It does seem to be bizzare, I have heard mention of calling the spouse 'Aliens' or something in a number of places through this forum.

btw I had a look at your story and you seem to be doing really well considering, keep up the good work on yourself.

Do we have any WAW's who are able to shed some light on what they do and why? What prevents them from recognising that what they have (and are about to throw away) is good and worth working for, what made some WAW's return and give the marriage a go.

Would be good to get a bit of an inside track on how they work and why

[gForce]

Thanks for the encouragement in my sitch. I hope I can continue to do as well in real life as I seem to be doing on paper.

I think you should stop trying to figure out "why" WAW do what they do. Have you thought about what your part in her leaving has been? And what you can do to fix those things in yourself for your own benefit? If you make those changes in yourself, the likelihood that W will see something she may want to return to is greater. Even if she never comes back, you will be a better person for your future.

Remember - do as I say, not as I do!

[GavinO]

Yesterday I cam home and W and one of her girlfiends were in, I offered a coffee to them and W came down with her cup. I asked her about a job interview she had that day and she said it went well, she has to do a couple of trial shifts and do a formal interview at some point but she is confident she will get it, I said her hair looks nice (Glue in purple streaks in it)she thanked me and told me she had new jeans as well.

I asked if she was home or away tonight, she said away and I know she is away on Wed as she has a couple of friends round to make hash cookies. She is staying at her parents while they are away this week. W said she would be back on Thursday.

During that discussion I saw my real wife for a bit which was sooo nice.

I took the coffees upstairs to them and said I was going to do some training, W waved at me.

When they left W said she'd catch me later.

So far:
*she has not packed or moved anything else out (yet lol)
*our marriage certificate is still upstairs in the study
*the list of property is in the table downstairs
*The details for putting the house on the market is still in the house unsigned and not returned to the estate agents
*there is a picture of us next to her computer where she pays solitaire
*I have not had any divorce papers through yet (but have a letter I need to sign for and collect from the post office)Dunno what it is.

I have got the 5LL (hers is quality time then acts of service, then physical touch, which I knew anyway really - I did the questionaires as I know her) Also got DB and DR and men are from mars, women are from venus so I have got to read and learn like a mofo.

W seems to be running the 'single life' at the moment, I hope it burns out and that she realises that what she has already can be great! If we can renew/rebuild/restart our relationship things will never get this bad again, she will never feel hurt or neglected again as I will be giving our relationship my all.

Just want her to 'come out of it' and be open to regrowth and rebuilding.

Hanging in there and improving myself, I like myself and I am being positive, friendly and upbeat most of the time genuinely as well (I have bad moments of course)I am also keeping the house tidy as well (one of my 180's that have been consistent)

Hope it all comes good

[germ04]

Gavin, its frustrating how it feels that something this drastic had to happen for us to really change. In your case, there is still hope that it could lead to something positive. Do you ever feel you are too nice to her? She is walking all over you by living together and buying drugs with your money. I say that because it seems like every post involves her doing drugs. Weed is her H right now. That being said though. I think you are doing great. You are a strong person. I wish I even could talk to my wife right now.

[GavinO]

Thought I'd update somewhat as advice and encouragement is always appreciated.

Went home yesterday after work, W had nipped back at some point as the outside light was on and the kitchen light was on. There was an ashtray in the lounge and part of a long rizla (for making a joint) the coffee cup (cup with some coffee and a spoon in) I left for W was still in the kitchen untouched.

The marriage certificate has gone from the study but the list of property is still in the table downstairs and the house details (for estate agent) is still in the kitchen.

Went to see some friends last night which was nice, only spoke about me and W for a bit and no one knows why she has gone for divorce, no one noticed any problems or issues and from what they understand the 'reasons' for the divorce are:

1) Not doing enough around the house.
2) Not spending time with her.

Not insurmountable problems I don't think?!?!?

W has not changed tack yet (still over and divorce) and she seems to be getting on as such but there are a few contradictions.

From her is no hint of us getting back together or her wanting to try or anything. She is out quite a bit and smoking and drinking quite a bit.

Is it a phase I wonder? My wife and best friend has turned inside out and upside down and is someone she it not (I know her, I have known her for 1/3 of our lives)

I'm gonna hang in there and keep improving myself, I have no idea what is going through her head or why she is like she is, i had a bad patch of 6 months or so and did almost nothing with her due to depression, maybe its her turn so to speak?!?!?

Thanks for the support guys and gals and again any advice on how to proceed would be appreciated. I am committed to my wife, marriage and relationship (she isn't lol) so not sure what to do in the circumstances.

Cheers

Gavin

[GH31]

G'Day Gavin,

Thanks for sharing your situation with us on here. It seems remarkably similar to mine except I was the one agressively pushing for divorce when I found out about my wife's OM. I think this 180 led to my wife stalling and woke her up to what she stood to lose.

Keep doing what works and rejecting what does not and be sure to look after GavinO's own life and enjoyment. It's very, very tough I know but we simply have to hang in there. The consequences of not trying are far worse than the consequences of trying - irrespective of the outcome. I know what it's like to want the chaos just to end.

best,

GH31

[GavinO]

Hi GH31,

Thanks for your reply, I have looked at your story and admire your attitude, your wife is giving very mixed signals saying one thing then doing the opposite which has to be really hard. I salute you for your strength.

My W on the other hand seems to be saying the bad things and doing some bad things, she has not acknowledged or hinted that there may be a chance and is going out loads. I don't know if it is due to confusion or determination or what. She seems set and rational when I speak to her and when I push (bad) she diggs in and gets.....'spikey' (verbally nasty) eg: 'I need a big stick so I can beat it into your f*cking thick head that its over' - I am going on the believe none of what you hear and half of what you see but don't know where to draw the line.

She said the other day she missed the foot rubs and back rubs...but that was about it. - lol in 9.5 years, thats all eh?

Everyone (friends/family) thinks her behaviour is bizzare and extreme and that what she says the problems are are not insurmountable and certainly not a reason to end a relationship and marriage.

Ok, our relationship has been poor for a year and I did nothing for our relationship for 6 months or so due to depression. I understand I did not help enough around the house and that she felt like my mother rather than my wife, I understand that I did too much of my own thing and didn't do enough with her (very little over last 6 months).

Why is this so bad that we need to split up and affect loads of people and ruin 9.5 years of relationsip and 4 years of marriage?!?!?!?

My thinking somewhat is ok, she felt unloved because I didn't show it and wants to chuck it in, I feel unloved at the moment as she is being a f*cking b!tch and divorcing and so on but I am still prepared to sort out our relationship and marriage and move on together, I know it doesn't quite work that way, and it has only been 8 weeks since issues started and 6 weeks since she said she wanted a divorce.

Going to hang in there still and look after me, it is surreal that my wife and best friend has done/is doing this. I hope she runs out of steam or something but at the moment it seems there is no stopping her. Ultimately a divorce is a bit of paper and it is the relationship that is at the core of it. She does not seem to be budging yet and appears to be desperate to get out.

(sigh)

Hope everyone is doing well (or as well as it can be) don't give up