LRT UNDER SAME ROOF IIII

[sandi2]

Craig, I hope you won't push her anymore about the divorce or leaving you. She has been through so much and I know you are in a lot of pain by her "killing your love" for her, but she has experienced a lot of change in her life already and if you push too hard and she feels that she has to leave or get D....it could have some bad results. I pray that you can hang on longer and give her support.

Tomorrow will the the anniversay of the death of my dad. 20 years ago.....wow! I still miss him so much. No matter how old you get, your dad will always hold that special place in your heart. I told my son when he found out he was having a little girl, that he would be the first man that she would ever love. It is so true and it hurts so badly when you lose them. So, sweetie, please hold out a little longer.

It seems to me that she is finding "reasons" to not leave, so I think that is a good sign. You feeling "out of love" with her right now, I believe, is a natural result of all the bad stuff that has been going on for both of you over a period of time. You have taken an emotional beating. Right now, she is not able to "feed" that love connection, but hopefully, she will be healthy enough soon.

Again, I hope you won't "push" her into doing something you both will regret. Get through this tough period....give her time to grieve.

Sandi

[COG]

Craig,

Here comes a 2x4.

basically wrote down on paper that i was beginning to fall out of love with her. how much that scared me and how sad it made me feel.

Well I'm really glad you didn't give her that letter, it's pitifull. Lets not forget, love is NOT a feeling, it's an action. And don't get love and attraction mixed up. Those are two very different things.

i also wrote how love will die if you do not feed it.a few times over the weekend i just wanted to blurt it out. but i restrained myself.

I'm glad to hear that too. That was great restraint. Remember, her love(attraction) is already dead. I assure you, she understands how it died, she does not need anyone, especially YOU, explaing that to her.

I'm a little confused as to why you would be pressing her on the D. It seems you are almost daring her. She's not 100% sure about it, that's a guaruntee. It's your job to speak to the part of her that is not sure. Show her the loving, caring, supportive, fun, joyful, fearless, worryless, unbridled, MAN that you are. It's time to step it up, get off the pittypot, shake off those shackles, and rock man! Be bold, be daring, be creative, be different.

Treat her differently, speak differently, act differently. The same old thing will reap the same old thing.

God Bless,

COG

[craig54]

cog, i knew the 2x4 was a coming.you are right about the pity party. the last week has been hard. as far as the divorce talk, she initaited it. i only asked her about moving out. i pushed the subject too far. i was wrong. i know she is not ready to move out or anything else at this point. i was frustrated. cog, i need a stiff one once in a while, i mean a stiff 2x4.refocusing on Jesus, prayer. thanks cog for the reminder. it was a pitiful letter.

[craig54]

sandi, cog, just to let you both know, most of what transpired was an interior shuffle within myself. my wife did not see any of it. my mistake was asking her whether she was going to move out and suggesting she use the money from her fathers estate to do so. guilty as charged on that account. just plain stupidity on the rest, selfish stupidy. fortunately she saw none of it. it was a temporary brain fart, so to speak.

[craig54]

cog, went to mens bible study tonight. was pondering what i had done over the last couple of days. realized how much damage i actually could have caused. dumb. blew it twice in one week, had been doing so well for two months. back to basics.this is what happens when i put too much emphasis on what my wife is doing and saying. i know better, i know dbing works, i have seen the results, just impatient. next time a 4x12. redwood or oak.

[COG]

Craig,

Oh trust me we all fall down, have brain farts. You should really be very proud of yourself for the things you didn't do. By restraining your actions, your words, you allowed potential for positive things to happen, for God to work. Yes you slipped a little, but you are improving, it could have been worse. It takes a long time to change old habits. Just keep working at it.

as far as the divorce talk, she initaited it. i only asked her about moving out. i pushed the subject too far. i was wrong.

Yes you took the bait. Women in particular are very good at testing us men and we are usually very quick to take the bait. They don't do it purposely, to trap us, it's a men from mars women from venus thing. I got baited just yesterday, but guess what? I am much more aware NOW, after years of practice. I quickly recognized it, quickly looked upward for support, and handeled it perfectly. Difused the tension in a snap. Now in the old days, we'd have argued back and forth probably all evening. She would have released the tension she was carrying, at my expense, and I would end up looking like a jerk for getting so frustrated about it.

It's all difused when we acknowledge the pain, focus on the source, and love unconditionally. We can not control our emotions, let them be what they may, but our actions are totally under our control.

I totally understand the interior shuffle thing. We all do it, very normal. It's a personal interaction between us and our God, and that's a private matter.

realized how much damage i actually could have caused.

Right! I am very pleased and proud about the "could have". The "could haves" might just make the difference between saving your M, and not. A "could have" done something very bad, is the OPPOSITE of the "have" done something bad. It's the right side of the decision that could have gone either way.

blew it twice in one week

I used to blow it 10 times a week, then 5, then 2, then 1, then NONE! It's a process, a growing, healing, forgiving process. You're doing it brother!

next time a 4x12. redwood or oak

His cross was made of wood, not really known what kind. Pine, dogwood, cypress, something along those lines.

God Bless,

COG

[craig54]

cog, i must admit something. this is for me personally, but hanging out on this website tends to drag my psyche down. it has been a real blessing, dont get me wrong. but for me i tend to let it drag me down. so that being said, i will limit the amount of time i spend here. i dont want it to be a crutch. i will continue to pray for the people i have come to know here. when something comes up i will post, if it is important. i will try to help other people when i can. cog, thank you so much, brother.

[sandi2]

Craig, regarding this site, I have heard a couple of other people say that is gets depressing to them also b/c of all the suffering people express. It may help to take a break for a while or to limit your reading posts. I do hope that you will continue to come and keep us up with your stitch, b/c we do care about you and your W and the MR.

I wish we could all take a break from R's sometime and come back and be refreshed and everything be brand new, don't you? I even thought that if I could just get away from my H and all the problems around this house, it would do me so much good! I still think that....lol. However, it isn't likely to happen b/c I can't afford a vacation....and especially a separate one...lol.

Just trying to lighten things up a bit b/c this stuff does get us down from time to time. However, it has been my therapy and I will continue to say that. I may back away a little bit for a day or two, but find myself back here. My H won't go to C, so this helps me a lot. You have to do what you feel works for you. Take a few days away from the board....maybe a week, then come back and let us know how things are going b/c we will miss you a lot.

Sandi

[john210]

Ditto for me Craig, I have noticed that you post less. I admire your tenacity and your committment to your W and M. I have nothing but the outmost respect for what you are trying to accomplish and the efforts you are using to try and get there. I need this site to vent and to read what works and does not work for other folks. If staying away for a few days helps your PMA go for it...drop by and see us once in a while will you!

[craig54]

sandi &john, thanks for the input. sandi, i do not think it depresses me ,i tend to lose my focus. as soon as i lose my focus
i tend to worry about what my wife is doing, instead of dbing. i almost blew it the other day by writing the letter, fortunately did not give it to my wife. but really thought about it. this site has been and continues to be a inspiration.