searching for the truth..for me 2

[phbear316]

Thanks W2G

Can you read my post again, i was posting same time you were.

Need your advice

bear

[W2G]

I guess my first question is Do you want to go to your nephew's graduation? The next thing you'll want to decide is whether you want to make it a full fledged 2 week vacation (which is what it seems your H is doing). Once you've decided these things I think the best idea is to ask your H about the details.. like when it is (kind of vital information he neglected to provide).. if you are traveling with him are you going to need to get a separate room or is separate double beds in the same room okay or will he be staying with family and are you supposed to stay with family too or go to a hotel? If you don't travel together will he willingly pick you up at the airport or should you get a rental..

Lots of info you'll need to find out.. but only if you are actually wanting to go.

I know you're likely stuck on the fact that he already got his own ticket.. you don't know where his head was at when he did that... He may have thought you couldn't or wouldn't take that length of time off of work at the moment.. he could have caught the end of a seat sale.. who knows? The big question, as I said above is, do YOU WANT to go?

W2G

[sgctxok]

Are you sure that the ticket you saw was the ticket to the graduation and not something else?

Just ask nonchalantly....pretend you haven't seen it.....so when is the graduation? Maybe some other nonchalant questions about it. Then be quiet and see what he says/does.

[phbear316]

W2G & SG

First thank you for imput.

I actually was thinking pros and cons about going to his graduation. Like he is my only nephew, went for niece, yrs ago. Cons difficult situation between h and i and then family and I. My scale was actually 55 to 45 in favor of not going. I just think it would be too difficult with all his family, and his family's friends there, who all got the whole story over christmas. But I had not made a final decision.

Part of me wanted to hear from my sil and bil. Is this not their son who is graduating? Were they even planning a party? I do not know this answer for on one has spoken to me since november. But he seem to know what is going on.
Since family lives in Florida, and if i recall correctly nieces party and graduation was around the same time end of May.

How would he knows i have lots of vacation time, i have been at the same place for 21 years, I get 5 weeks a year. So i don't think the time off was in issue.

Its like he almost baited me, was i supposed to jump right on that hook and say, Oh yes please h that would be wonderful thank you for asking me to go to you nephew graduation, i can tell you still like me.

Its like he went backwards over the weekend to kinda how things used to be, he even said to me sat night he had a nice night. Now monday at 445pm he books a ticket single one to florida. I looking at this like he did/does not want me to go. I think he realized what he did, and now he is just going to do what he wants and maybe i won't notice.

I am not sure i want to talk to him about it. Wouldn't that be putting pressure on him, almost now forcing him to take me. Again, i keep going back to step one, this is not his graduation, this is not his party. Not really his place to invite. How do i know bil & sil have enough tickets to take us to graduation. I don't know what my other bil is doing. When niece graduated, there were only 5 tickets given to families. So bil, sil, nephew, mil, and other bil, went to her actual graduation. SIL own mother did not go for she had no ticket.

So how are we to go to nephews if its still only 5 tickets. Same order of people going, not sure about other bil, but that only leaves one ticket. Do we fight for it. He really wants to go, than i think he should go. You opened the door, h then slammed it right back shut in my face.

I really, really, really don't want to deal with all his family and sil & bil's friends whom i have know for many years, A. feel uncomfortable, B. Know they are talking about me, C. feel left out.

Do i just call sil and force my way in. Maybe she does not know what h did? Maybe i should go, to say a final good bye to them. But i don't do good byes they are too set in stone, you don't say good bye you say see you later. Maybe this is or needs to be goodbye to his family. I don't think any of us need the stress that will come along with all this of hotel rooms, rental cars. He has a place to stay with his mom. SIL will have no room for her mother and sister and family will be with her. And i don't have the money for hotel room and rental car, airline fare, unless h is going to pay for it all.

I did not know it was a test, and since i did not jump right on the question i failed the test. Maybe silence is the right decision.

bear

[Jeanette1120]

goodmorning bear!

First......your doing way too much laundry!! and now your stuck on the "SPIN" cycle!


Your trying to see into the future bear, and from what I read your only seeing the bad things. Stop that

Look, I completly understand this way of thinking, I did it all the time, drove myself batshit crazy too! Again, even tho it may be hurtful to your pride, let it take it's natural course and stop overthinking the "What If's". (not saying you can't nudge a bit)

The nonchalant "innocent" question concerning the trip sounds good. I mean, why not? He asked you first right? You would not have known any different if he had not mentioned it.

Now let's take a different view of things ok?

You went to FL with your Mother. Your MIL knows this, so I'm sure the BIL n SIL know it too. They mainly speak to your H who I am sure gives his one way warped point of view to them, thus leaving them to "Think" and "Question". ( just like you ) So now comes the graduation. Perhaps they are wondering what to do?? They are trying not to interfere ( ) with your marriage and are spinning just like you are. Even tho WE understand why you went to FL and did not see MIL, they may not. This may be causing a riff amongst them and all you were trying to do was the "right thing".

So......how do we untangle this? We communicate right? You are not at war with the inlaws. There may come a day when all is right in bear world and your a family unit again. You don't need any undercurrents that may prove difficult to over look in the future.

Without waiting to long, nonchalantly mention to H the graduation.

Without waiting to long, call your MIL. Don't overthink your conversation bear, you know the facts already. You should not be uncomfortable calling her. Your not the one having an affair. Be a brave girl. Be the loving woman and DIL that we know you are. Don't be intimidated. Don't let them get the best of you. If the conversation permits, she needs to know this is not of your doing and your trying to respect H's wishes while he's off on vacation to Dumbassvile.

Love ya!!

Jeanette

[phbear316]

Jeanette

Morning.

I have been thinking a lot about this situation but not so much to make myself crazy.

My heart does not want to ask about the graduation. I see I am being set up for a fall. If he really wanted me to go, he would have called when he was booking the flight.

He is looking to make me the bad guy in this. Any why has he not told me he booked a flight? This is more complicated than he wants to believe.

He is setting me up to look like an as#hole. He is setting me up to look like I don't care about nephew.

I think this is something i need to let roll off my back. If SIL and BIL wanted me to be there, it really boils down to them inviting me. Again how am i to know this was ok with them.

I sit back and think, maybe I am not as close and I thought with sil & bil. Maybe i am kidding myself about how close i thought we were.

I may be wrong, but I am feeling very abandoned by all of them. Yes I take 50% of the blame, my phone works, so does theres. I feel this situation is like a long poker game, someone will call and someone will win the pot.

I want to be invited because they want me there. It does not feel to me they want me there for no one has reached out to me for months.

You may be thinking that I sound like I am having a pity party for myself, but no. I am stepping back into my life, with no brothers and sisters. I do love them all very much, and would do anything for them all, but it seems like the shoe is not on the other foot, for they don't want to do for me.

It will be ok, I am now at 85% sure that I will not be going. Any you know it may seem weird, but i am at peace with that.

I don't think i will bring this up to h. Why should i have to beg to go to nephews graduation, when I really don't think I am wanted. Is it not part of divorce busting not to persue? beg, cry? insist on talking. It is not going to change anything.

But I will keep an open mind, for I may change my mind. I am open to that.

hugs
bear

[phbear316]

Ok What is the old saying God only gives you what you can handle?

I just called my mom, i could tell immediately something was wrong. I am like what is wrong. She finally breaks into tears to tell me she has a lump in her breast that is really painful.

I am like ok, I take a deep breath and say, ok I will call you back to get you an appointment with my physician. I call, they will try to fit her in something this week. This from a woman who has spent the last 13 years taking care of my father and all his issues, and ignored her own health. Smokes, eats not so great.

You know right now graduation seems so unimportant.

She did not want to tell me for she says I have enough on my plate to deal with. I said you know, there is always room on my plate. More than you know mom, more than you know.

[john210]

Bear,
I am very sorry about your mom....let's pray that it is nothing serious. I know if this happened to my mom, my sitch would suddenly become unimportant in comparison.
I am therefore hoping that your sitch takes center stage again after your mom visits the doctor..... if you know what I mean.

On the inlaw Florida situation, I am sure that your husband's family feels as awkward as you do about what is going on. Honestly, I do not know what I would do.....probably what you are doing right now.....nothing. however, you say you love them very much, so perhaps a quick call would do the trick. Only if you are up to it and you don't need to beg. I know it is difficult, but taking the easy way out isn't always the best route.

For the time being concentrate on your mom....she needs you to be there for her.

All the best.

[phbear316]

Thanks John for the post. I really appreciate it so much.

When it rains it pours. I happened to do someone a favor a few minutes ago. It meant me to deal with a regional communication supervisor, both H and I deal with.

I go down to direct him down to wear he has to go. He comes to me gives me a big hug and kiss and says I am so sorry to hear about what is going on with you and H.

I am like ok, what has he told you. He is like oh he did not tell me H's co-worker who I thought was my friend, (but refuses to take my calls since sept) told him that h and I were separating and divorcing.

I took a deep breath, and said, I truly appreciate it your support, but I am not the one who is having an affair with a peds er nurse where i work. He is like yea, that is another issue that is awful.

He is like I am so sorry my reply was I am too. But I am not giving up, despite what he is doing to me.

This person then says, that my H has been very difficult to deal with as of late. And he has been very surprised that every time he calls me, he talks about H and i just don't say a word. I said cause that is not me. This person was like I would be calling him a f*&^ing as*&hole. I said nothing.

So, coworkers are talking that we are separated and divorcing. This must be closer that I thing.

[john210]

Hey Bear,

My W pretty much told everyone who would listen the same thing....don't let it bring you down. As a sidebar, sometimes i feel that she painted herself in a corner by doing so.
Keep focused on what is important and what it is you want to accomplish.