searching for the truth..for me 2

[phbear316]

SG, EM, Gypsy

Thanks so much for the birthday wishes. I truly appreciate them.

I am truly trying to separate from H. The "eat without me text" or I'm going out text's don't bother me anymore like they used to.

Signals from h are very confusing. H will make dinner and wait for me to eat when i come home from gym. On the other hand, i don't wait for him to eat when he has therapy, and if there is enough food left he is more than welcome to it. There has been a time when i made myself a bowl of cereal, h was like what did you eat? Cereal. He was well what am i to eat. I was like house full of food, you can pick what you want. In the past i would have made food for both, waited for him to come home, eaten with him, or even made him what ever he wanted. Not anymore.

Yes, it is wrong for him to do all this, but my other option would have been, to stay home or go to the mall by myself. My parents were not available, and i really don't have friends and trust me they were all out drinking for st.pattys day. But you know sometimes you really love yourself when you can stay home and be with yourself. This has been my whole life, even when things were good with h and I, we never went out lots with friends, there was a few years with one couple we went out for all birthdays, but they had kids and time disappeared.

H puts himself first now, i fall below the cat. But you know that is his description of me, not mine. I did not ask for this i did not break our vows, I did not agree to cheat on the other. I did not agree to carry on a separate life.

YOu know the other day i said i saw an old co-worker, who said she missed me. Well i found out h, her and others went out friday night, that was the work dinner. Now funny she has not put two and two together. I always was invited out to work dinners. No more she has taken my seat next to h. But she will never take my pride. My head is held higher than both of them. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I carry my own shame and guilt, but is is mine and all mine, its my personal baggage. I have not ruined my reputation, my self respect, H has done that to himself.

Well back to confusing statements from h. He comes back from walk, makes himself drink. DOes not ask me, why should he i don't exist. anyway, we start talking about nephew. Blah, blah, yaddda yadda, etc. Then he comes out with a statement, he graduates in may, and i think since you are his aunt, you should come to florida for his graduation and party. It took my brain about 35 seconds to process that. Then he says i really should book a flight soon for us, before the prices go up. Then brain kicks in, WTF, did you just say???

You don't want to be married to me, you want to divorce me, your family has not spoken to me in months, 5 months for sil, bil, and 3 for mil. And you want me to go to florida for graduation? I am totally stuck on this.

Am i wrong for my first reaction to be. NO..H this is not a good idea. I totally don't feel comfortable with this. How the hell are we going to work this out. He stays at house with BIL, SIL, and i get to stay with MIL? HUH?

I don't know I am confused with this. What would you guys do. As you can tell by the time this has kept me up for a while.

Gypsy you are right that is a great analgy of me, I am always giving, taking nothing for me.

You know EM, when i got up to go to salad bar, i wanted to say to h, ok now make sure you check you phone and text her. But that would be showing him I am a bitch. And i will not do that. When i throw the disrespect card in his face and call him on it, it just winds him up like i top, its like i push his buttons. For he cannot stand the truth being told to him or thrown back in his face. So i refused to say what I wanted to say. I don't want the drama. I don't want to deal with it, so i just got up and made my self a very nice salad.
Oh and i never had that glass of wine, and i don't know why, oh i know i find when i drink when h is home, its not good for me. I want him like a married woman would want her husband. And i will not put myself in that horrible humiliation scene again like he did to me over the summer. I did not intentionally have the glass of wine, i really just forgot.

Well all my wonderful friends whom i love you have made my day special, now with all this typing i am feeling a little sleepy. So i am going to try to go off to dream land, dream about disney world. LOL. My plans for the day in the am, i am going to make pancakes, and make an irish soda bread, wish me luck first time trying. Its a premade mix so it should work out ok. I hope. Then package up my kitty and head down to my parents house for corned beef an cabbage, my traditional birthday dinner.

Thank you everyone
big hugs
bear

[john210]

Happy birthday Bear.

MMMMM corned beef.......The FLA thing is kid of weird. I know the position you find yourself in. Myself, I do not want to be anywhere close to the inlaws (especially MIL). New year's eve was the last time and I intend to keep it that way. But that is just me. If you want to send him a real message I would say stay away. But i know that it is also a good opportunity to perhaps get closer to him. Not an easy choice and I probably did not help much.

Enjoy your birthday and spend it with people who love you unconditionally.

[W2G]

Just a quick post to wish you a Happy Birthday (but it's actually your day this time)!!!

I hope you do something really nice for yourself today.. and enjoy dinner with your parents!!

And just out of curiosity does your H always sign things with love, H? It just seems a 180 from how he treats you most of the time..

Anyway, keep focusing on YOU.. and let him worry about him.. it's all you can do.

Love yah Bear,
W2G

[Jeanette1120]

Happy Birthday bear!!!

May this be your year to shine brighter than ever!! (had to put my sunglasses on as you already shine so bright)

I echo everything ediemarie said.

Tell me bear.....do YOU want to go to graduation? If you do, go. It will have nothing to do with your h just you. Will it be difficult YES! Will it be a good time for you to sport your new bear coat? Uh huh Remember....be yourself. Do not be his wife or his mother. Be YOU!

Let's see, Birthday dinner, Birthday Card, Birthday CASH! A suggested trip to FL. What did you get for Christmas? Nothing right?

Look at it as a positive, but do not over-react.

Most of all......I hope you spend your day enjoying yourself and not worrying about him missing dinner. He's a big boy and I am sure McDonalds is not that far away.

Again.......have a Wonderful Birthday!! Your a very special woman and deserve the happiness that is coming your way~!

Hugs,

Jeanette

[phbear316]

John, W2G, and of course Jeanette

Thank you all for the birthday wishes.

My initial reaction is to stay away. But for all that they have done to me, by not speaking to me for months, I really do love them all unconditionally. Being an only child, i was so totally into having sister in laws and brother in laws. We are close but i wish were closer. I will think on this for a while. I lean towards no, but then i flip right back to the other side and say yes. I can't and will not make a snap decision right now. I need to sort this out.

W2G, He used to sign all cards, with all me love H. Now i just got love H. I did not get a card for christmas so i don't know what he would have signed it as. He did not give it to me, though it was a to my wife card, this was a true generic birthday card like you would give a neighbor. The cards that i have gotten him have been to my H or someone special, but they have all made it to the garbage since he has put her first.

Jeanette, I don't think deep down he wants me to go i think he feels its an obligation for me to go. I/we went to nieces and had a great time, i feel he is looking at this like you(meaning me) should do the right thing, and go for nephew. My heart wants to go, my head says your crazy woman, why are you going to do this to yourself, when all of them down there know the truth for he was there for christmas. So all the family knows what is going on, and know only his side of the story, of what a terrible person that i am. The last thing i want and need is pity. And i see it as i walk in the door. But like i said before i will not make a decision right now. The subject will come up again, it has to if he wants to buy tickets he has to keep me in the loop for my job so i can notify them and put in for vacation. WHen the subject comes up again, I will be asking lots of questions. Today i will not sort thru this in my head.

I just don't think all the birthday stuff means anything, just guilt.

well have to go and make soda bread, wish me luck all

I will be back later on

hugs all
bear

[phbear316]

GGRRRRR.....

Some days this man can just push my buttons beyond orbit.

1. I wanted to make pancakes today, so i made soda bread first, and then was going to make pancakes. H comes in kitchen and opens a cliff bar. I was would you like something better than that for breakfast? H was like no this is fine. FIne eat you cliff bar. A#@hole, i say to myself.

2. I get out of shower and bring the last of my clothes downstairs to start laundry. (note he cannot say to me i'll do it today its your birthday, but he did do his usual part of carrying down and sorting) I go down he is on the phone with his brother for i can hear him. All of a sudden he just goes out the garage door. You know what h, go talk to you brother outside, hide, for i know i am part of the conversation, I now am not allowed to be part of the conversation. You know h i think you may have made my decision about going to fla in may easier. I may wait for sil and bil to call me and ask me. You don't want me there, you don't want me to hear the conversation you are having about nephew with you brother. You know and i know this may sound so mean and nasty. I don't care what nephew does. The decision falls with him and his parents where he goes after highschool. Merchant marianes is not an answer for him, but since i don't have any children i cannot and will not judge their decision. I am only the soon to be the out of the picture aunt. Soon to be replaced by another one.

Sorry to vent, i made myself a promise last night at midnight, i was not going to cry today on my bday over h, so he made it easy for me, by just pissing me off and making me angry. But i am one of those people who i get so angry i cry. I am doing my best not to do that today. Maybe i am just in pms mood, but whatever...!!!

hugs and thanks for letting me vent

bear

[LL44]

Give him the room he wants. You aren't going to be able to reason with him or change him. This power struggle in your M is adding to the problems. Forcing him to hug you. Forcing him to kiss you. Allowing him to text at YOUR birthday dinner. All of that is hurting you. You need to separate yourself from the hurt he is delivering. You have his best interest at heart, Bear. He doesn't have yours. He will continue to hurt you if you continue to allow it to happen. He is not thinking of Bear, at all. He is thinking of himself.

edie is brilliant!!! I only know this because I was you, phbear, last fall. I pretended like things H did didn't matter to me, but I took them all to heart. I lapped up the 5 minutes he spent with me. My birthday was 'half' celebrated in September, and only now do I see H did it out of guilt and nothing else. Now I know I deserve someone around me that appreciates me.

phbear, you are pretending these things (dinners at home, texts, etc) don't bother you, but you are only lying to yourself. Of course, they bother you, you are human. You are allowing him to disrespect you, to place you second, and you are accepting of it. The very first time H turned away from my kiss, I stopped kissing him.

I am sorry you aren't having the birthday you want (we all want the same thing on DB), but at this point in time, ph bear, time by yourself is so much better than time with a husband that is having sex/giving his emotional love to someone else.

Google "Stronger Woman" by Jewel. Listen to it. Visit an atty. Stop accepting invitations from H, let HIM join YOU in your activities. Go to those monthly dinners and also think of something else for you to do with those women as well. Do these things for yourself. You are worth so much more. You (like me) are mourning your Old H. He isn't there anymore. HUGS!

[sgctxok]

I am only the soon to be the out of the picture aunt. Soon to be replaced by another one.

Honeydew, it may SEEM like that right now....but that is not what will happen.

You will be retained. See how yo're already in OUR hearts....I KNOW you're in theirs. Even your H has a sweetness for you. You are just way tooooo dear.


I think we should tour wineries. Places with laundromats as well. Perhaps a laundromat/winery tour. This may be even an entrepreneurial idea for us.

[LL44]

sg is right. The family/people that love you now, will not stop loving you. Ever.

[phbear316]

lwb

Thank you for you post. I will let it all sink in, You are right i am mourning the loss of my H, of family, of things we used to go together.

I did one smart thing today. I did not mention one word about nephews graduation to my mother. The can of worms that would have opened would have been out of control. She (mom) did ask me if mil called me, i said no, but neither did fay. (fathers cousin who always calls me on my birthday) That stopped her in her tracks.

You all are in my hearts and love you all dearly, you are all special people. I really in my heart and head feel there will be no saving my marriage, i am on a train heading straight into a brick wall, but I will never leave this site, nor lose the friends i have made here.

Was looking on line today, saw a butterfly bush i am going to order to plant in the yard for the spring. One of my plans for the summer. I also decide i am going to work on my tan this year.

hugs
bear