searching for the truth..for me 2

[phbear316]

SG, W2G

Thanks for you imput, i will try to link my old thread over, but we all know i am not good at that, though i keep trying.

Well after posting here before i went out, to michaels, to chef central, and then to book store.

OK WG, i need the name and author of the book you are reading, for i could not find it for anything. I may have copied it down incorrectly. So if you don;t mind could you just let me know. I really want to read it.

Well h is still not home, and you know what, i really don't care, I am tired, mentally, physically. I actually don't feel well. Trust me i have been sick many a birthday, hopefully not this one, but i don't count my chickens before they hatch.

I am going to call mil. Yes WG we did talk about every other week even after h dropped both bombs. I know she is hurt for i did not tell her i was going away. H did, so i guess she feels hurt. i can understand to a point. But it was my vacation.

It should be interesting i just realized in the book store that nephew graduates high school in may. Wonder if i will be invited to go. I will thought send nephew gift cards so he can use for college.

hugs to all
bear

[W2G]

Good Morning Bear,

Congratulations on your new thread!!!

The book is called "living in the light" and it's by Shakti Gawain

Your previous post is..
Searching for the truth...for me

Oh, and one more thing.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY my friend!!!

[Jeanette1120]

Goodmorning bear!

Great thoughts on how to hande your MIL. Just be yourself. You are a kind, caring loving person.!!! Please remember that. Speak just as if when you talk to her.

Sometimes the hardest questions have the easiest answers

Hope you feel better sweets! Early Happy BIrthday!!!

Oh! I loved the idea of re-using the card to buy her something for Mothers Day

Hugs,

Jeanette

[phbear316]

W2G

Thanks for the post and moving my stitch over. That was so sweet. I just cannot seem to work that out.

Thanks for the book title, i had it right last night, but could not find it. I hope having the author will help. Hopefully off to barnes and noble tonight.

H just got up a few minutes ago, shot into the shower like he was on fire, and, and says, i'm going out to the store. Feel like that was the perverbial (sp?) I'm going out for a pack of cigarettes and never comes back. Must have had to meet her for something so i guess he was late. Oh well, Me on the other hand am being very lazy today, have not showered yet, and hold on gang, i need to clean my bathroom, what excitement. I mean that in all fun thought, i truly don't mind, i turn up the music and clean along. No wine as of yet, way to early in am, although somewhere it must be happy hour.....

Thanks for the birthday wishes too.


Jeanette

MIL issue, i will just be myself, i cannot control how she feels for she too cannot control the way i do. I would have thought thou the woman has been thru two divorces i thought she would understand what i was going thru. But she shows here true colors that its all about her, just like she handed down that trait to her son, its all about him too.

Yes thanks i am feeling better, don't know what that was last night. I am having some issues with stress and hives. All of a sudden i just stated to get all itchy and blotchy, had to take benadryl. I had nothing to eat that would trigger a reaction. I am allergic to seafood, so i had egg salad for dinner. Oh well i am better now.

I will use the card for her gift, need to go on line to see how much it is for. I have done this in the past numerous times. She would give me a macys card, i would buy her clothes and send them to her. Or take her shopping when she would be up here.

Thanks for the early birthday wishes. Tomorrow is the day actually

hugs to both
bear

[phbear316]

Question time my friends

Is it normal to feel so disconnected from h?

H comes home after his trip to the store and says, you have mail and here is a card from me. I open the card and find $100 in it, the money is wrapped in a torn piece of paper with writing on it, put this towards a gps unit or clothes or whatever you want. The card is signed by him, saying i really do wish you a happy birthday. love H

Why do i feel so empty? like it just all means nothing to you h, i mean nothing at all. I go out and thank H for the card, i am welling up with tears in my eyes, i lean in to give him a hug and a kiss, he pulled away like he did not want a hug, but i pulled him into a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Later on h says i would like to take you out to dinner tonight or maybe someday during the week. I am like ok, but is has to be after church. H was like ok.

He all of a sudden goes out and disappears, so i go to the supermarket. H texts me with will i guess i will see you after church since you left. I texted back i just went to get some groceries we need be back in 20 minutes. Reply from h was ok.
You have to be kidding me.

I go to church, come home h is like so where do you want to go. THere were two places i wanted to go, but too many sad memories would flood back, they are places h and i would go often for celebrations. I said well we can go over to restaurant in the back by us, but it will be busy. H suggests charlie browns, i am like ok.

I just found it so difficult to be there, It was almost like a bad date, i was waiting for him to say, listen it just not going to work out, with us, so thanks. All we talked about was work stuff.

After dinner we went for long drive, that was nice talked more work stuff. got coffee and then home. Came home to find message on home machine from BIL saying they were waiting to get on a flight from JFK to home nephew had interview with merchant marine academy.

H seemed upset about this, feels not good move for nephew. I knew or know anything about it, so when h said i am not happy about this move, i said, well why are you so upset, talk to me. He gave me a little issues then puts his sneakers on and coat and says i am going to go for a walk. And heads out the door.

I feel so disconnected from him, and his family. especially him.

What does this mean? I never thought i would be in this situation. Have i given up? I hurt cause i know he just went to the corner and got on the phone to her for he must be going crazy not being able to talk or text her for hours. So he is now out talking to her about nephew. Its funny he suddenly changed him mind about getting the salad bar at dinner, i was like ok well i'm going, as i got up, i happened to glance over his shoulder and saw him go right for the phone. And before we were going out we were playing with the cat. His phone vibrates, he goes for all i see is the envelope for a message, he opens it reads it and puts the phone away.

I am sure it was her wondering well have you taken you wife out to dinner yet for her birthday, the pain in the a&^. You know what honey, he is still married to me. He is not totally yours yet. I am glad you feel lonely abandoned sad. I feel that way daily. Step into my hell.

I don't think it was easy for him either tonight, for when we got home he said i had a really nice time tonight, I said i did too, thank you and gave him a hug which he did not pull away from and he let me kiss him on the lips. Then out the door he went.

I sad for i will go to bed tonight alone again, for this i totally hate. Well i think i am going to go get a glass of wine for myself and drink to my birthday which is less than two hrs away.

I feel bad h will be home alone for dinner tomorrow for he is not invited to my parents house and that makes me sad. But i know he will be with her, so he won't be sad or lonely. As i said before i just hate this situation i am in. I wish i was home alone and he was out with ow. Just the thought of me being out with my parents and h not welcome just feels so awful.

Well let me go, i am rambling too much, don't know why just only had one glass of sangria with dinner, and two cups of coffee. Coffee must have done me in LOL

hugs all
bear

[phbear316]

Question time my friends

Is it normal to feel so disconnected from h?

H comes home after his trip to the store and says, you have mail and here is a card from me. I open the card and find $100 in it, the money is wrapped in a torn piece of paper with writing on it, put this towards a gps unit or clothes or whatever you want. The card is signed by him, saying i really do wish you a happy birthday. love H

Why do i feel so empty? like it just all means nothing to you h, i mean nothing at all. I go out and thank H for the card, i am welling up with tears in my eyes, i lean in to give him a hug and a kiss, he pulled away like he did not want a hug, but i pulled him into a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Later on h says i would like to take you out to dinner tonight or maybe someday during the week. I am like ok, but is has to be after church. H was like ok.

He all of a sudden goes out and disappears, so i go to the supermarket. H texts me with will i guess i will see you after church since you left. I texted back i just went to get some groceries we need be back in 20 minutes. Reply from h was ok.
You have to be kidding me.

I go to church, come home h is like so where do you want to go. THere were two places i wanted to go, but too many sad memories would flood back, they are places h and i would go often for celebrations. I said well we can go over to restaurant in the back by us, but it will be busy. H suggests charlie browns, i am like ok.

I just found it so difficult to be there, It was almost like a bad date, i was waiting for him to say, listen it just not going to work out, with us, so thanks. All we talked about was work stuff.

After dinner we went for long drive, that was nice talked more work stuff. got coffee and then home. Came home to find message on home machine from BIL saying they were waiting to get on a flight from JFK to home nephew had interview with merchant marine academy.

H seemed upset about this, feels not good move for nephew. I knew or know anything about it, so when h said i am not happy about this move, i said, well why are you so upset, talk to me. He gave me a little issues then puts his sneakers on and coat and says i am going to go for a walk. And heads out the door.

I feel so disconnected from him, and his family. especially him.

What does this mean? I never thought i would be in this situation. Have i given up? I hurt cause i know he just went to the corner and got on the phone to her for he must be going crazy not being able to talk or text her for hours. So he is now out talking to her about nephew. Its funny he suddenly changed him mind about getting the salad bar at dinner, i was like ok well i'm going, as i got up, i happened to glance over his shoulder and saw him go right for the phone. And before we were going out we were playing with the cat. His phone vibrates, he goes for all i see is the envelope for a message, he opens it reads it and puts the phone away.

I am sure it was her wondering well have you taken you wife out to dinner yet for her birthday, the pain in the a&^. You know what honey, he is still married to me. He is not totally yours yet. I am glad you feel lonely abandoned sad. I feel that way daily. Step into my hell.

I don't think it was easy for him either tonight, for when we got home he said i had a really nice time tonight, I said i did too, thank you and gave him a hug which he did not pull away from and he let me kiss him on the lips. Then out the door he went.

I sad for i will go to bed tonight alone again, for this i totally hate. Well i think i am going to go get a glass of wine for myself and drink to my birthday which is less than two hrs away.

I feel bad h will be home alone for dinner tomorrow for he is not invited to my parents house and that makes me sad. But i know he will be with her, so he won't be sad or lonely. As i said before i just hate this situation i am in. I wish i was home alone and he was out with ow. Just the thought of me being out with my parents and h not welcome just feels so awful.

Well let me go, i am rambling too much, don't know why just only had one glass of sangria with dinner, and two cups of coffee. Coffee must have done me in LOL

hugs all
bear

[ediemarie]

Happy Birthday Bear!!!

I haven't really posted in awhile, but I've been following along.

I'm frustrated for you, Bear. I wish that I could wave a magic wand and make you see that you truly have so many reasons to like yourself, respect yourself, trust yourself. I'm frustrated. I see how you are being treated and my stomach flip-flops. In the midst of my H's affair, I came down with pneumonia. In addition to the illness, I had a major reaction to the medication. Not only did my H not care for me, (I took myself to the dr, got my own medication, made my own food) but he took it upon himself to escalate his EA to PA at my most vulnerable time. Disconnected from H? Yup. I've felt it.

Here's the difference, Bear. When my H started behaving this way, I began to realize that I did not want to be with someone that would do this to their spouse. You are allowing the state of your R with your H to continue. You are contributing to the pain you are feeling. You deserve SO MUCH more than your H is giving you. You deserve to KNOW that you are loved, to have a party hosted in your honor, to be wined, dined, and lavished on your birthday, to be pampered, and encouraged, engaged in conversation, doted on, made to feel like the wonderful, beautiful, caring woman you are. I can't believe he is giving you sloppy seconds and you are ok with accepting them. It's not ok. It doesn't feel ok to you. Stop doing what doesn't feel ok. You are hurting yourself.

Give him the room he wants. You aren't going to be able to reason with him or change him. This power struggle in your M is adding to the problems. Forcing him to hug you. Forcing him to kiss you. Allowing him to text at YOUR birthday dinner. All of that is hurting you. You need to separate yourself from the hurt he is delivering. You have his best interest at heart, Bear. He doesn't have yours. He will continue to hurt you if you continue to allow it to happen. He is not thinking of Bear, at all. He is thinking of himself.

I think you should read up in DR/DB about going dark and then do it. It's difficult while living under the same roof, but it's possible. Start distancing yourself from him. You're not going to feel better until you do. I know you're on your way, but it's time for a big step, just one big step, and then you can go back to the baby steps.

Please drink another glass of wine, get a mani-pedi tomorrow, sleep late, go out for breakfast at a great jersey diner with a magazine and sit at the counter (I still do this alone from time to time), spend the 100 bucks on something terrific, leave in the morning, don't come home until late, plan something for Monday, bake a cake or cupcakes for work - everyone would love to celebrate with you, make a list of all the things in this world you want to do before you die and commit to doing 4 of them before your next birthday comes. Number 1 on that list: Fall in Love - with YOURSELF!

All of us that follow your sitch know how awesome you are. Believe us. We wouldn't post to you if we didn't believe in you or the process that Michelle offers.

hugs,
EM

[Gypsy]

Ms Pooh..

May I be the first to wish you a happy birthday!

Repeat after me:

Whatever he says to others is none of my business.

What my in-laws say to others is none of my business... etc, etc.

It's a very hard concept but one that I find so helpful.

You're unique in that you have daily interactions with your H at home and at work. Why do you think he's stayed? How do you get space from him?

Worrying and projecting what others think drains you. AND it's the easiest thing to do because it's much easier to take care of others than yourself.

I was in a terrible depression that lasted for many years. While trying to come out of it, I came up with an image tale. I saw myself as a loving woman with a large basket of bread and circle of people. I'd offer everyone a piece of bread and when it came to my turn, I'd skip it because others needed it more. I was happy to give and felt fulfilled caring for others. The basket kept going around and I kept taking care of everyone else, occasionally taking a bite of bread but continuing to put others in front of me.

Eventually I was weak and haggard. The people I cared for were begging me to take the bread, to eat it. I couldn't, I felt I had to offer to others, to take care of everyone else. People became frustrated the more I refused.

In my small tale, I'd stop there and think.. I really have to take care of myself, as foreign as it seems.

Take a deep breathe and give to yourself.

Treat yourself the way you would a good friend.

Ask yourself, how would I feel if I saw my good friend doing this? (I loved nursing my babies. My point of reference was a cow. I'd ask myself, "Would a cow do this?" If the answer was no, I wouldn't do it. "Would a cow vacuum?" Nope! Granted I'd only ask myself those questions when I was feeling tired but it really helped).

Relish this day and each to come. You're worth it, P. Bear!

*hugs*

[sgctxok]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BEAR.

Make this a new year.

[phbear316]

SG, EM, Gypsy

Thanks so much for the birthday wishes. I truly appreciate them.

I am truly trying to separate from H. The "eat without me text" or I'm going out text's don't bother me anymore like they used to.

Signals from h are very confusing. H will make dinner and wait for me to eat when i come home from gym. On the other hand, i don't wait for him to eat when he has therapy, and if there is enough food left he is more than welcome to it. There has been a time when i made myself a bowl of cereal, h was like what did you eat? Cereal. He was well what am i to eat. I was like house full of food, you can pick what you want. In the past i would have made food for both, waited for him to come home, eaten with him, or even made him what ever he wanted. Not anymore.

Yes, it is wrong for him to do all this, but my other option would have been, to stay home or go to the mall by myself. My parents were not available, and i really don't have friends and trust me they were all out drinking for st.pattys day. But you know sometimes you really love yourself when you can stay home and be with yourself. This has been my whole life, even when things were good with h and I, we never went out lots with friends, there was a few years with one couple we went out for all birthdays, but they had kids and time disappeared.

H puts himself first now, i fall below the cat. But you know that is his description of me, not mine. I did not ask for this i did not break our vows, I did not agree to cheat on the other. I did not agree to carry on a separate life.

YOu know the other day i said i saw an old co-worker, who said she missed me. Well i found out h, her and others went out friday night, that was the work dinner. Now funny she has not put two and two together. I always was invited out to work dinners. No more she has taken my seat next to h. But she will never take my pride. My head is held higher than both of them. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I carry my own shame and guilt, but is is mine and all mine, its my personal baggage. I have not ruined my reputation, my self respect, H has done that to himself.

Well back to confusing statements from h. He comes back from walk, makes himself drink. DOes not ask me, why should he i don't exist. anyway, we start talking about nephew. Blah, blah, yaddda yadda, etc. Then he comes out with a statement, he graduates in may, and i think since you are his aunt, you should come to florida for his graduation and party. It took my brain about 35 seconds to process that. Then he says i really should book a flight soon for us, before the prices go up. Then brain kicks in, WTF, did you just say???

You don't want to be married to me, you want to divorce me, your family has not spoken to me in months, 5 months for sil, bil, and 3 for mil. And you want me to go to florida for graduation? I am totally stuck on this.

Am i wrong for my first reaction to be. NO..H this is not a good idea. I totally don't feel comfortable with this. How the hell are we going to work this out. He stays at house with BIL, SIL, and i get to stay with MIL? HUH?

I don't know I am confused with this. What would you guys do. As you can tell by the time this has kept me up for a while.

Gypsy you are right that is a great analgy of me, I am always giving, taking nothing for me.

You know EM, when i got up to go to salad bar, i wanted to say to h, ok now make sure you check you phone and text her. But that would be showing him I am a bitch. And i will not do that. When i throw the disrespect card in his face and call him on it, it just winds him up like i top, its like i push his buttons. For he cannot stand the truth being told to him or thrown back in his face. So i refused to say what I wanted to say. I don't want the drama. I don't want to deal with it, so i just got up and made my self a very nice salad.
Oh and i never had that glass of wine, and i don't know why, oh i know i find when i drink when h is home, its not good for me. I want him like a married woman would want her husband. And i will not put myself in that horrible humiliation scene again like he did to me over the summer. I did not intentionally have the glass of wine, i really just forgot.

Well all my wonderful friends whom i love you have made my day special, now with all this typing i am feeling a little sleepy. So i am going to try to go off to dream land, dream about disney world. LOL. My plans for the day in the am, i am going to make pancakes, and make an irish soda bread, wish me luck first time trying. Its a premade mix so it should work out ok. I hope. Then package up my kitty and head down to my parents house for corned beef an cabbage, my traditional birthday dinner.

Thank you everyone
big hugs
bear

[phbear316]

SG, EM, Gypsy

Thanks so much for the birthday wishes. I truly appreciate them.

I am truly trying to separate from H. The "eat without me text" or I'm going out text's don't bother me anymore like they used to.

Signals from h are very confusing. H will make dinner and wait for me to eat when i come home from gym. On the other hand, i don't wait for him to eat when he has therapy, and if there is enough food left he is more than welcome to it. There has been a time when i made myself a bowl of cereal, h was like what did you eat? Cereal. He was well what am i to eat. I was like house full of food, you can pick what you want. In the past i would have made food for both, waited for him to come home, eaten with him, or even made him what ever he wanted. Not anymore.

Yes, it is wrong for him to do all this, but my other option would have been, to stay home or go to the mall by myself. My parents were not available, and i really don't have friends and trust me they were all out drinking for st.pattys day. But you know sometimes you really love yourself when you can stay home and be with yourself. This has been my whole life, even when things were good with h and I, we never went out lots with friends, there was a few years with one couple we went out for all birthdays, but they had kids and time disappeared.

H puts himself first now, i fall below the cat. But you know that is his description of me, not mine. I did not ask for this i did not break our vows, I did not agree to cheat on the other. I did not agree to carry on a separate life.

YOu know the other day i said i saw an old co-worker, who said she missed me. Well i found out h, her and others went out friday night, that was the work dinner. Now funny she has not put two and two together. I always was invited out to work dinners. No more she has taken my seat next to h. But she will never take my pride. My head is held higher than both of them. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I carry my own shame and guilt, but is is mine and all mine, its my personal baggage. I have not ruined my reputation, my self respect, H has done that to himself.

Well back to confusing statements from h. He comes back from walk, makes himself drink. DOes not ask me, why should he i don't exist. anyway, we start talking about nephew. Blah, blah, yaddda yadda, etc. Then he comes out with a statement, he graduates in may, and i think since you are his aunt, you should come to florida for his graduation and party. It took my brain about 35 seconds to process that. Then he says i really should book a flight soon for us, before the prices go up. Then brain kicks in, WTF, did you just say???

You don't want to be married to me, you want to divorce me, your family has not spoken to me in months, 5 months for sil, bil, and 3 for mil. And you want me to go to florida for graduation? I am totally stuck on this.

Am i wrong for my first reaction to be. NO..H this is not a good idea. I totally don't feel comfortable with this. How the hell are we going to work this out. He stays at house with BIL, SIL, and i get to stay with MIL? HUH?

I don't know I am confused with this. What would you guys do. As you can tell by the time this has kept me up for a while.

Gypsy you are right that is a great analgy of me, I am always giving, taking nothing for me.

You know EM, when i got up to go to salad bar, i wanted to say to h, ok now make sure you check you phone and text her. But that would be showing him I am a bitch. And i will not do that. When i throw the disrespect card in his face and call him on it, it just winds him up like i top, its like i push his buttons. For he cannot stand the truth being told to him or thrown back in his face. So i refused to say what I wanted to say. I don't want the drama. I don't want to deal with it, so i just got up and made my self a very nice salad.
Oh and i never had that glass of wine, and i don't know why, oh i know i find when i drink when h is home, its not good for me. I want him like a married woman would want her husband. And i will not put myself in that horrible humiliation scene again like he did to me over the summer. I did not intentionally have the glass of wine, i really just forgot.

Well all my wonderful friends whom i love you have made my day special, now with all this typing i am feeling a little sleepy. So i am going to try to go off to dream land, dream about disney world. LOL. My plans for the day in the am, i am going to make pancakes, and make an irish soda bread, wish me luck first time trying. Its a premade mix so it should work out ok. I hope. Then package up my kitty and head down to my parents house for corned beef an cabbage, my traditional birthday dinner.

Thank you everyone
big hugs
bear

[john210]

Happy birthday Bear.

MMMMM corned beef.......The FLA thing is kid of weird. I know the position you find yourself in. Myself, I do not want to be anywhere close to the inlaws (especially MIL). New year's eve was the last time and I intend to keep it that way. But that is just me. If you want to send him a real message I would say stay away. But i know that it is also a good opportunity to perhaps get closer to him. Not an easy choice and I probably did not help much.

Enjoy your birthday and spend it with people who love you unconditionally.

[W2G]

Just a quick post to wish you a Happy Birthday (but it's actually your day this time)!!!

I hope you do something really nice for yourself today.. and enjoy dinner with your parents!!

And just out of curiosity does your H always sign things with love, H? It just seems a 180 from how he treats you most of the time..

Anyway, keep focusing on YOU.. and let him worry about him.. it's all you can do.

Love yah Bear,
W2G

[Jeanette1120]

Happy Birthday bear!!!

May this be your year to shine brighter than ever!! (had to put my sunglasses on as you already shine so bright)

I echo everything ediemarie said.

Tell me bear.....do YOU want to go to graduation? If you do, go. It will have nothing to do with your h just you. Will it be difficult YES! Will it be a good time for you to sport your new bear coat? Uh huh Remember....be yourself. Do not be his wife or his mother. Be YOU!

Let's see, Birthday dinner, Birthday Card, Birthday CASH! A suggested trip to FL. What did you get for Christmas? Nothing right?

Look at it as a positive, but do not over-react.

Most of all......I hope you spend your day enjoying yourself and not worrying about him missing dinner. He's a big boy and I am sure McDonalds is not that far away.

Again.......have a Wonderful Birthday!! Your a very special woman and deserve the happiness that is coming your way~!

Hugs,

Jeanette

[phbear316]

John, W2G, and of course Jeanette

Thank you all for the birthday wishes.

My initial reaction is to stay away. But for all that they have done to me, by not speaking to me for months, I really do love them all unconditionally. Being an only child, i was so totally into having sister in laws and brother in laws. We are close but i wish were closer. I will think on this for a while. I lean towards no, but then i flip right back to the other side and say yes. I can't and will not make a snap decision right now. I need to sort this out.

W2G, He used to sign all cards, with all me love H. Now i just got love H. I did not get a card for christmas so i don't know what he would have signed it as. He did not give it to me, though it was a to my wife card, this was a true generic birthday card like you would give a neighbor. The cards that i have gotten him have been to my H or someone special, but they have all made it to the garbage since he has put her first.

Jeanette, I don't think deep down he wants me to go i think he feels its an obligation for me to go. I/we went to nieces and had a great time, i feel he is looking at this like you(meaning me) should do the right thing, and go for nephew. My heart wants to go, my head says your crazy woman, why are you going to do this to yourself, when all of them down there know the truth for he was there for christmas. So all the family knows what is going on, and know only his side of the story, of what a terrible person that i am. The last thing i want and need is pity. And i see it as i walk in the door. But like i said before i will not make a decision right now. The subject will come up again, it has to if he wants to buy tickets he has to keep me in the loop for my job so i can notify them and put in for vacation. WHen the subject comes up again, I will be asking lots of questions. Today i will not sort thru this in my head.

I just don't think all the birthday stuff means anything, just guilt.

well have to go and make soda bread, wish me luck all

I will be back later on

hugs all
bear

[phbear316]

GGRRRRR.....

Some days this man can just push my buttons beyond orbit.

1. I wanted to make pancakes today, so i made soda bread first, and then was going to make pancakes. H comes in kitchen and opens a cliff bar. I was would you like something better than that for breakfast? H was like no this is fine. FIne eat you cliff bar. A#@hole, i say to myself.

2. I get out of shower and bring the last of my clothes downstairs to start laundry. (note he cannot say to me i'll do it today its your birthday, but he did do his usual part of carrying down and sorting) I go down he is on the phone with his brother for i can hear him. All of a sudden he just goes out the garage door. You know what h, go talk to you brother outside, hide, for i know i am part of the conversation, I now am not allowed to be part of the conversation. You know h i think you may have made my decision about going to fla in may easier. I may wait for sil and bil to call me and ask me. You don't want me there, you don't want me to hear the conversation you are having about nephew with you brother. You know and i know this may sound so mean and nasty. I don't care what nephew does. The decision falls with him and his parents where he goes after highschool. Merchant marianes is not an answer for him, but since i don't have any children i cannot and will not judge their decision. I am only the soon to be the out of the picture aunt. Soon to be replaced by another one.

Sorry to vent, i made myself a promise last night at midnight, i was not going to cry today on my bday over h, so he made it easy for me, by just pissing me off and making me angry. But i am one of those people who i get so angry i cry. I am doing my best not to do that today. Maybe i am just in pms mood, but whatever...!!!

hugs and thanks for letting me vent

bear

[LL44]

Give him the room he wants. You aren't going to be able to reason with him or change him. This power struggle in your M is adding to the problems. Forcing him to hug you. Forcing him to kiss you. Allowing him to text at YOUR birthday dinner. All of that is hurting you. You need to separate yourself from the hurt he is delivering. You have his best interest at heart, Bear. He doesn't have yours. He will continue to hurt you if you continue to allow it to happen. He is not thinking of Bear, at all. He is thinking of himself.

edie is brilliant!!! I only know this because I was you, phbear, last fall. I pretended like things H did didn't matter to me, but I took them all to heart. I lapped up the 5 minutes he spent with me. My birthday was 'half' celebrated in September, and only now do I see H did it out of guilt and nothing else. Now I know I deserve someone around me that appreciates me.

phbear, you are pretending these things (dinners at home, texts, etc) don't bother you, but you are only lying to yourself. Of course, they bother you, you are human. You are allowing him to disrespect you, to place you second, and you are accepting of it. The very first time H turned away from my kiss, I stopped kissing him.

I am sorry you aren't having the birthday you want (we all want the same thing on DB), but at this point in time, ph bear, time by yourself is so much better than time with a husband that is having sex/giving his emotional love to someone else.

Google "Stronger Woman" by Jewel. Listen to it. Visit an atty. Stop accepting invitations from H, let HIM join YOU in your activities. Go to those monthly dinners and also think of something else for you to do with those women as well. Do these things for yourself. You are worth so much more. You (like me) are mourning your Old H. He isn't there anymore. HUGS!

[sgctxok]

I am only the soon to be the out of the picture aunt. Soon to be replaced by another one.

Honeydew, it may SEEM like that right now....but that is not what will happen.

You will be retained. See how yo're already in OUR hearts....I KNOW you're in theirs. Even your H has a sweetness for you. You are just way tooooo dear.


I think we should tour wineries. Places with laundromats as well. Perhaps a laundromat/winery tour. This may be even an entrepreneurial idea for us.

[LL44]

sg is right. The family/people that love you now, will not stop loving you. Ever.

[phbear316]

lwb

Thank you for you post. I will let it all sink in, You are right i am mourning the loss of my H, of family, of things we used to go together.

I did one smart thing today. I did not mention one word about nephews graduation to my mother. The can of worms that would have opened would have been out of control. She (mom) did ask me if mil called me, i said no, but neither did fay. (fathers cousin who always calls me on my birthday) That stopped her in her tracks.

You all are in my hearts and love you all dearly, you are all special people. I really in my heart and head feel there will be no saving my marriage, i am on a train heading straight into a brick wall, but I will never leave this site, nor lose the friends i have made here.

Was looking on line today, saw a butterfly bush i am going to order to plant in the yard for the spring. One of my plans for the summer. I also decide i am going to work on my tan this year.

hugs
bear

[phbear316]

SG,

Ok I am in for the winery tours. Count me in.

I LOVE the idea of the wine bar/laundromat idea. We could throw in Jenny's gourmet cookies and we are set.

This would be a great job for lots of us. I have experience i used to work in a laundromat/dry cleaners years ago. OH this is great. I need a new job, always wanted to own my own business

Sounds like a great idea to me....As i head downstairs to finish the 3 loads of laundry H did not finish today, for he had to go out.

Nice right.

What better way to get your laundry done. I think i will go get a glass of wine right now.

thank you
hugs
bear

[john210]

Wow!!!!!!

I just read edie and lwb and I think that both these posts hit me like a ton of bricks.
I will copy and paste them and e-mail thme to myself. You are both so right.
Sorrybear for hijacking here...I needed that slap in the face.

[W2G]

Man, I really wished I liked wine.. maybe I should try it again. It sounds so nice when you and Jeanette talk about drinking your wine while doing housework. I'm boring.. I just do the housework! Maybe it would make it more fun. Unfortunately I'm more of a beer drinker.. much less refined!

I'm wondering Bear how to help you with the anger. I feel angry about my sitch at times but most of the time I make a concentrated effort not too.. 'cause for me to stay in my "Happy" state that I'm trying to create for myself the anger doesn't get me feeling the way I need to. I know your H is completely disrespectful.. and absolutely blind to what a great person he has for a W.. and I know how it feels for H to be gone all the time (I lived like that for a month.. and couldn't take it so I asked my H to get out).. I am amazed that you've endured for as long as you have.. so I get the reasons behind the anger.. I just don't know how to help you get yourself through that stage.. I think it counteracts all of the things you are trying to do to make a happier you.. you are not detached.. I wish I knew how to do it. I'm not very good at doing it either.. I hope that someone reading your thread can post a step by step plan in how to detach.. but I'm pretty certain it's different for everyone.

Just my thoughts. Love you ((Bear)).. and I really want you to be happy...

W2G

[sgctxok]

I guess if you're doing the laundry on YOUR bday and HE's going out...you need a DB intervention. Expect us all in a few hours. We're going to have to get some flights. Plus we've had the wine, so we may get lost. But we'll be there. We'll help you fold and put away.

[phbear316]

john210-no apologies necessary. I am so glad it helped you.

W2G, does not matter what you drink, wine, beer, hard liquor, It just makes cleaning and laundry so my better to do. Put the beer in a wine glass, oh who am i kidding, i drink wine coolers from a bottle, Just enjoy that is the main idea. You MUST add wine/beer to your house cleaning routine, along with good music, makes it much more tolerable.

Although SG has a warning, don't drink too much and try to match socks, does not work well. LOL

Yes anger is a problem for me. I grew up not showing any anger, i let everyone walk all over me, time after time after time for years. And all i did was counter back with what can i do to make that person happy, and put my feelings in a box and locked them away. H refuses to leave, and i will not leave either. I want my home. It is half mine as much as his. Are there days i want to move out, yes, but that lasts for about 5 minutes. I am going to try my best to keep my home, I know in my heart it will be impossible but I am not going down without a fight. Just like my marriage not going down without a fight.

SG, If i knew you guys were coming for a laundry party, i need to get more wine and more socks. LOL

hugs
bear

[Jeanette1120]

Hehehehe......you guys are cracking me up I see I've started a new way of doing house WORK! NOT! I have always found it to be helpful tho.

It's how I set my mood to accomplish things I normally would "Do tomorrow what I should do today"!

bear....your attitude is reaching whole new levels!! I'm so proud of you! I know you have your setbacks as we all do, but yours are not as often nor do they last as long.

I am not going down without a fight. Just like my marriage not going down without a fight.

Exactly!

You have control believe it or not. You can set the pace. You oneday will have to make a choice.

Hugs!!!!

Jeanette

[phbear316]

Hey Jeanette

I realized a little while ago, i owe you a picture. I will get around to it. Promise.

Well I made a choice today, to make one of two calls. So I called EHS services, unfortunately all of the lawyers wer busy, so i told them i would call back tomorrow. I guess i should have then called mother in law, but i had very limited time during workday. Head boss is on a rampage, so was not interested in rocking the boat.

I tried to get one thing done. I hope tomorrow i can get on the phone again. I am not so sure i want/or ready to speak to mil yet. I was looking to take the coward way out and leave a message on her machine.

off to the gym, be back later on
bear

[Jeanette1120]

LOL.....don't say you'll get around to it you promise!! I might just start calling you Rich remember....taking the cowards way out is not how we operate.

Honey.....call her. Get it over with as it might not be as bad as you think. The longer you wait the more water flows under the bridge. Bite the bullet sweetie, be the bigger person. It will be one less thing to take off your plate of "Worry".

Ok.....off to hit the couch It was 93 this weekend and my sunburn has finally turned into a suntan and well...hehehehe! Lets just say the sun zaps your energy playing in it all weekend

Kudos to you bear....your sticking to the gym! I love it!

Hugs,

Jeanette

[phbear316]

Jeanette, and my other DB friends

I need advice on this. Remember over the weekend h and i are talking about nephew and high school graduation. Well if i remember the conversation correctly, h made a statement of since you are his aunt it would be nice and the right thing to do for you to go to his graduation. I am told no dates, when graduation is, the only statement that is made is h saying a decision needs to be made soon so airline tickets can be bought. Nothing was said about one ticket two tickets, nothing.

Ok fast forward hours later. I am moving h's car into the driveway tonight , and i find a piece of paper folded on the passenger seat. I open it up the paper and low and behold its a jet blue confirmation for him from may 24th to june 6th. One ticket. OK WTF just happened.

Did i miss something. I did not say yes to going I did not say no to going. He just hit me with the statement of I should be the good aunt and go. But nothing else more was discussed. Did i miss the mind reading part of when his graduation was and when the party was? Did i totally miss something. Can someone please tell me what is going on?

My boss is very liberal with my vacation. But, and i say but right now we are under very tight financial issues, so i would have to have a backup person do my job. I would need to make sure that this person is not on vacation during the time nephew is to graduate. He did not give me a chance to think about it.

Was i supposed to jump on the quazi (sp sorry) invitation to florida. I thought i was BD and trying to go dark. I was never given any information, or even asked it i wanted or was going. It was just a statement that it would be a good thing for his aunt to be there.

Now what do I do. Now i have to find out all this information on my own, find my own place to stay. and pay for my own ticket, possible rental car? What is going on here. And i never had that glass of wine yesterday so it was not that.

Help, ideas, suggestion, comments all welcome.

Jeanette, I know i have to call her and i will, i just really wanted the time to dedicate to her. Not with lots of interruptions, which i had a ton of today. I promise you will not be calling two people Rich.

Oh life must be so hard, having to sleep off a sun tan. I can only wish and dream for that. LOL you know i am kidding you. Happy you got some tanning in.
Yes i am proud of myself too for sticking with the gym. I am down 30 pounds now.

(hugs)
bear

[W2G]

Hey Bear,

Hope you had a good workout.. and good luck with the phone call(s) tomorrow. We're behind you 100%!!!!

W2G

[phbear316]

Thanks W2G

Can you read my post again, i was posting same time you were.

Need your advice

bear

[W2G]

I guess my first question is Do you want to go to your nephew's graduation? The next thing you'll want to decide is whether you want to make it a full fledged 2 week vacation (which is what it seems your H is doing). Once you've decided these things I think the best idea is to ask your H about the details.. like when it is (kind of vital information he neglected to provide).. if you are traveling with him are you going to need to get a separate room or is separate double beds in the same room okay or will he be staying with family and are you supposed to stay with family too or go to a hotel? If you don't travel together will he willingly pick you up at the airport or should you get a rental..

Lots of info you'll need to find out.. but only if you are actually wanting to go.

I know you're likely stuck on the fact that he already got his own ticket.. you don't know where his head was at when he did that... He may have thought you couldn't or wouldn't take that length of time off of work at the moment.. he could have caught the end of a seat sale.. who knows? The big question, as I said above is, do YOU WANT to go?

W2G

[sgctxok]

Are you sure that the ticket you saw was the ticket to the graduation and not something else?

Just ask nonchalantly....pretend you haven't seen it.....so when is the graduation? Maybe some other nonchalant questions about it. Then be quiet and see what he says/does.

[phbear316]

W2G & SG

First thank you for imput.

I actually was thinking pros and cons about going to his graduation. Like he is my only nephew, went for niece, yrs ago. Cons difficult situation between h and i and then family and I. My scale was actually 55 to 45 in favor of not going. I just think it would be too difficult with all his family, and his family's friends there, who all got the whole story over christmas. But I had not made a final decision.

Part of me wanted to hear from my sil and bil. Is this not their son who is graduating? Were they even planning a party? I do not know this answer for on one has spoken to me since november. But he seem to know what is going on.
Since family lives in Florida, and if i recall correctly nieces party and graduation was around the same time end of May.

How would he knows i have lots of vacation time, i have been at the same place for 21 years, I get 5 weeks a year. So i don't think the time off was in issue.

Its like he almost baited me, was i supposed to jump right on that hook and say, Oh yes please h that would be wonderful thank you for asking me to go to you nephew graduation, i can tell you still like me.

Its like he went backwards over the weekend to kinda how things used to be, he even said to me sat night he had a nice night. Now monday at 445pm he books a ticket single one to florida. I looking at this like he did/does not want me to go. I think he realized what he did, and now he is just going to do what he wants and maybe i won't notice.

I am not sure i want to talk to him about it. Wouldn't that be putting pressure on him, almost now forcing him to take me. Again, i keep going back to step one, this is not his graduation, this is not his party. Not really his place to invite. How do i know bil & sil have enough tickets to take us to graduation. I don't know what my other bil is doing. When niece graduated, there were only 5 tickets given to families. So bil, sil, nephew, mil, and other bil, went to her actual graduation. SIL own mother did not go for she had no ticket.

So how are we to go to nephews if its still only 5 tickets. Same order of people going, not sure about other bil, but that only leaves one ticket. Do we fight for it. He really wants to go, than i think he should go. You opened the door, h then slammed it right back shut in my face.

I really, really, really don't want to deal with all his family and sil & bil's friends whom i have know for many years, A. feel uncomfortable, B. Know they are talking about me, C. feel left out.

Do i just call sil and force my way in. Maybe she does not know what h did? Maybe i should go, to say a final good bye to them. But i don't do good byes they are too set in stone, you don't say good bye you say see you later. Maybe this is or needs to be goodbye to his family. I don't think any of us need the stress that will come along with all this of hotel rooms, rental cars. He has a place to stay with his mom. SIL will have no room for her mother and sister and family will be with her. And i don't have the money for hotel room and rental car, airline fare, unless h is going to pay for it all.

I did not know it was a test, and since i did not jump right on the question i failed the test. Maybe silence is the right decision.

bear

[Jeanette1120]

goodmorning bear!

First......your doing way too much laundry!! and now your stuck on the "SPIN" cycle!


Your trying to see into the future bear, and from what I read your only seeing the bad things. Stop that

Look, I completly understand this way of thinking, I did it all the time, drove myself batshit crazy too! Again, even tho it may be hurtful to your pride, let it take it's natural course and stop overthinking the "What If's". (not saying you can't nudge a bit)

The nonchalant "innocent" question concerning the trip sounds good. I mean, why not? He asked you first right? You would not have known any different if he had not mentioned it.

Now let's take a different view of things ok?

You went to FL with your Mother. Your MIL knows this, so I'm sure the BIL n SIL know it too. They mainly speak to your H who I am sure gives his one way warped point of view to them, thus leaving them to "Think" and "Question". ( just like you ) So now comes the graduation. Perhaps they are wondering what to do?? They are trying not to interfere ( ) with your marriage and are spinning just like you are. Even tho WE understand why you went to FL and did not see MIL, they may not. This may be causing a riff amongst them and all you were trying to do was the "right thing".

So......how do we untangle this? We communicate right? You are not at war with the inlaws. There may come a day when all is right in bear world and your a family unit again. You don't need any undercurrents that may prove difficult to over look in the future.

Without waiting to long, nonchalantly mention to H the graduation.

Without waiting to long, call your MIL. Don't overthink your conversation bear, you know the facts already. You should not be uncomfortable calling her. Your not the one having an affair. Be a brave girl. Be the loving woman and DIL that we know you are. Don't be intimidated. Don't let them get the best of you. If the conversation permits, she needs to know this is not of your doing and your trying to respect H's wishes while he's off on vacation to Dumbassvile.

Love ya!!

Jeanette

[phbear316]

Jeanette

Morning.

I have been thinking a lot about this situation but not so much to make myself crazy.

My heart does not want to ask about the graduation. I see I am being set up for a fall. If he really wanted me to go, he would have called when he was booking the flight.

He is looking to make me the bad guy in this. Any why has he not told me he booked a flight? This is more complicated than he wants to believe.

He is setting me up to look like an as#hole. He is setting me up to look like I don't care about nephew.

I think this is something i need to let roll off my back. If SIL and BIL wanted me to be there, it really boils down to them inviting me. Again how am i to know this was ok with them.

I sit back and think, maybe I am not as close and I thought with sil & bil. Maybe i am kidding myself about how close i thought we were.

I may be wrong, but I am feeling very abandoned by all of them. Yes I take 50% of the blame, my phone works, so does theres. I feel this situation is like a long poker game, someone will call and someone will win the pot.

I want to be invited because they want me there. It does not feel to me they want me there for no one has reached out to me for months.

You may be thinking that I sound like I am having a pity party for myself, but no. I am stepping back into my life, with no brothers and sisters. I do love them all very much, and would do anything for them all, but it seems like the shoe is not on the other foot, for they don't want to do for me.

It will be ok, I am now at 85% sure that I will not be going. Any you know it may seem weird, but i am at peace with that.

I don't think i will bring this up to h. Why should i have to beg to go to nephews graduation, when I really don't think I am wanted. Is it not part of divorce busting not to persue? beg, cry? insist on talking. It is not going to change anything.

But I will keep an open mind, for I may change my mind. I am open to that.

hugs
bear

[phbear316]

Ok What is the old saying God only gives you what you can handle?

I just called my mom, i could tell immediately something was wrong. I am like what is wrong. She finally breaks into tears to tell me she has a lump in her breast that is really painful.

I am like ok, I take a deep breath and say, ok I will call you back to get you an appointment with my physician. I call, they will try to fit her in something this week. This from a woman who has spent the last 13 years taking care of my father and all his issues, and ignored her own health. Smokes, eats not so great.

You know right now graduation seems so unimportant.

She did not want to tell me for she says I have enough on my plate to deal with. I said you know, there is always room on my plate. More than you know mom, more than you know.

[john210]

Bear,
I am very sorry about your mom....let's pray that it is nothing serious. I know if this happened to my mom, my sitch would suddenly become unimportant in comparison.
I am therefore hoping that your sitch takes center stage again after your mom visits the doctor..... if you know what I mean.

On the inlaw Florida situation, I am sure that your husband's family feels as awkward as you do about what is going on. Honestly, I do not know what I would do.....probably what you are doing right now.....nothing. however, you say you love them very much, so perhaps a quick call would do the trick. Only if you are up to it and you don't need to beg. I know it is difficult, but taking the easy way out isn't always the best route.

For the time being concentrate on your mom....she needs you to be there for her.

All the best.

[phbear316]

Thanks John for the post. I really appreciate it so much.

When it rains it pours. I happened to do someone a favor a few minutes ago. It meant me to deal with a regional communication supervisor, both H and I deal with.

I go down to direct him down to wear he has to go. He comes to me gives me a big hug and kiss and says I am so sorry to hear about what is going on with you and H.

I am like ok, what has he told you. He is like oh he did not tell me H's co-worker who I thought was my friend, (but refuses to take my calls since sept) told him that h and I were separating and divorcing.

I took a deep breath, and said, I truly appreciate it your support, but I am not the one who is having an affair with a peds er nurse where i work. He is like yea, that is another issue that is awful.

He is like I am so sorry my reply was I am too. But I am not giving up, despite what he is doing to me.

This person then says, that my H has been very difficult to deal with as of late. And he has been very surprised that every time he calls me, he talks about H and i just don't say a word. I said cause that is not me. This person was like I would be calling him a f*&^ing as*&hole. I said nothing.

So, coworkers are talking that we are separated and divorcing. This must be closer that I thing.

[john210]

Hey Bear,

My W pretty much told everyone who would listen the same thing....don't let it bring you down. As a sidebar, sometimes i feel that she painted herself in a corner by doing so.
Keep focused on what is important and what it is you want to accomplish.

[Jeanette1120]

{{{bear}}}

I am so so sorry to hear about your Mom! I know you both must be beside yourselves with worry. It will be hard to wait until the appt but try to not worry too much. Yes your right, it doesn't really matter about the graduation right now. This is more important.

I ....well...I just want to say this OK? Don't tit for tat with the relations. Just call.....get it done and over. If your MIL cannot understand then sobeit. You've done your part.

As far as H telling everyone....I agree, they tell everyone that steps in front of them. It could be the postman, garbage man, stranger on the subway.....anyone who will listen and validate.

Your h is being hard to deal with at work huh? Not surprising either. He's on the low road of mud n muck.

You keep to the high road sweetie.

I'll keep your mother and you in my prayers.

luv ya

Jeanette

[phbear316]

Jeanette

I just got a call from the MD office, the are going to take her Thursday at 3:30pm

I know H confides in this person, he is probably his best friend right now, or the closest thing to one.

It is just stinging that the friend is telling everyone about H and I. I know this person who I saw today is a manager where h works but, I really don't think its the friends place to tell others my personal business.

I could be madder, i could be more uspet, but I am hurt. I will not, i repeat will not lower myself to confront this person, for I know and respect h so i will not call this person on the carpet. And have him go back to H to complain about what I did. I will only take the high road.

I hope people will truly see H for is true colors. Black, dark, grey.

Thanks to all for your kind thoughts and prayers.

Even thought the impending doom of divorce is looming, and my moms illness now, I will always be here for I need all of you.

Hugs
Bear

[phbear316]

Ok Jeanette

You can be proud of me, I called MIL, even though it was at home and she was not there. I did leave a message, thanking her for the birthday card and gift. And i am said i was sorry that she seems mad at me for not telling her i was in florida in Jan, told her it was a last minute get away and i did what i had to do, sorry that you are upset about it. Then went on to hope you are enjoying the warm weather down there, still chilly up here, but waiting for it to get warm.

I don't know when and if she will call back, but i did it. Was I a coward and not call her cell phone yes, but and there is always i but, the woman never turns it on. I never get her on her cell, only when she is in the hospital, no other times.

One more call down, one more to make.

You know H called before, and i so wanted to tell him about my mom, i so want to put my head on his shoulder and cry my heart out, but you know, I only felt that way for a few minutes. For H you are really not here for me anymore, you want me to go away, with my problems. You don't need me, but sure as hell need you. But you will not know that, you will not see that, and i will not tell you. I am kinda glad H is working nights all night tonight and will not be home. I think its better for me, i can cry by myself at home and he won't know the difference.


bear

[sgctxok]

W2G & SG

First thank you for imput.

I actually was thinking pros and cons about going to his graduation. Like he is my only nephew, went for niece, yrs ago. Cons difficult situation between h and i and then family and I. My scale was actually 55 to 45 in favor of not going. I just think it would be too difficult with all his family, and his family's friends there, who all got the whole story over christmas. But I had not made a final decision.

Part of me wanted to hear from my sil and bil. Is this not their son who is graduating? Were they even planning a party? I do not know this answer for on one has spoken to me since november. But he seem to know what is going on.
Since family lives in Florida, and if i recall correctly nieces party and graduation was around the same time end of May.

How would he knows i have lots of vacation time, i have been at the same place for 21 years, I get 5 weeks a year. So i don't think the time off was in issue.

Its like he almost baited me, was i supposed to jump right on that hook and say, Oh yes please h that would be wonderful thank you for asking me to go to you nephew graduation, i can tell you still like me.

Its like he went backwards over the weekend to kinda how things used to be, he even said to me sat night he had a nice night. Now monday at 445pm he books a ticket single one to florida. I looking at this like he did/does not want me to go. I think he realized what he did, and now he is just going to do what he wants and maybe i won't notice.

I am not sure i want to talk to him about it. Wouldn't that be putting pressure on him, almost now forcing him to take me. Again, i keep going back to step one, this is not his graduation, this is not his party. Not really his place to invite. How do i know bil & sil have enough tickets to take us to graduation. I don't know what my other bil is doing. When niece graduated, there were only 5 tickets given to families. So bil, sil, nephew, mil, and other bil, went to her actual graduation. SIL own mother did not go for she had no ticket.

So how are we to go to nephews if its still only 5 tickets. Same order of people going, not sure about other bil, but that only leaves one ticket. Do we fight for it. He really wants to go, than i think he should go. You opened the door, h then slammed it right back shut in my face.

I really, really, really don't want to deal with all his family and sil & bil's friends whom i have know for many years, A. feel uncomfortable, B. Know they are talking about me, C. feel left out.

Do i just call sil and force my way in. Maybe she does not know what h did? Maybe i should go, to say a final good bye to them. But i don't do good byes they are too set in stone, you don't say good bye you say see you later. Maybe this is or needs to be goodbye to his family. I don't think any of us need the stress that will come along with all this of hotel rooms, rental cars. He has a place to stay with his mom. SIL will have no room for her mother and sister and family will be with her. And i don't have the money for hotel room and rental car, airline fare, unless h is going to pay for it all.

I did not know it was a test, and since i did not jump right on the question i failed the test. Maybe silence is the right decision.

bear

Whew! Girl...step back and breathe. You are thinking waaaaaaaaay toooo much about this. His family probably told him....be sure you bring bear (to nephew's graduation).
Don't overthink this and don't miss an opportunity to be there for your nephew...no matter the crap. WHEN you get through this crisis with your H...............you will be glad you did. Done deal, book your flight.



Now...your momma....I'm really glad if there's a lump that there is pain. It is not likely to be cancerous. I'll be saying a prayer for her. But that's the problem with breast cancer and a lot of cancer's they aren't painful.

I'm a chemist, lots of women chemists get breast cancer. I don't know a single one who had pain.


Feel free to join us in the Women's Solution Network discussion groups.

sg

[Jeanette1120]

yes bear, I am very very proud of you. you made the first move, now it's in her court.

I am going to have disagree with sg. If they do not contact you, if you are not officially invited, save your airfair sweetie. The LAST thing you want to look like is a needy greedy wife showing up univited looking like your out to cause trouble. It is your nephews graduation, as much as it may hurt you, it is his special day to shine You do not need to subject yourself to that. If you are invited and want to go then go. Once again, you will be taking the high road!

I did some research on painful breast lumps. Make sure your mother has a thorough check-up bear. Painful does not always mean good news. This is something only a Doctor can diagnose.

Be good to yourself this week. You've had a tough one.

Hugs,

Jeanette

[sgctxok]

OMIGOD JEANETTE YOU DARE DISAGREE WITH ME......HOW CAN YOU ?????? AREN'T YOU AFRAID???????


Good points. I know you said your mom is getting care. Just want to relieve some worry, it USUALLY means it's ok.

On the other hand with the nephew....the highest road is to go. Unless it truly hurts you to do that.

[sgctxok]

REALLY...now I have to tell you all don't ever disagree with me again

[Jeanette1120]

I know sg....

your deleting my posts in mlc forum. it's ok tho..I always copy and paste

please do not put this crap on bears thread ok? She does not need any more stress in her life, you should understand this sg, remember you love her and us, right? What you do and say is for the best of us, right?

No commercials.

YOU HAVE MY EMAIL ADDRESS...in fact you use it quite often and of course.....I keep them is special folders

When you kill a poster......you kill someones spirit sg. You kill someones willingness to believe there is a difference in right from wrong. Instead you set the example of "Commercialism".

I was wrong. I lost so much because I was wrong.

Go ahead and delete sg, but you will not delete my beliefs nor will you delete my will to survive.

Hugs,

Jeanette

[sgctxok]

Well, you're way off base and I was kidding with you as a friend. I will stop. And when you have a friend you have to know what's confidential and what isn't.

[Jeanette1120]

Post deleted by Jeanette1120

[phbear316]

Hi SG & Jeanette

Wow, first off I promise to never disagree with you. You have me shaking in my boots and doing a poopie in my pants. LOL. Now i have to change my underwear.

Thank you Jeanette for being proud of me. I don't mean to disrespect or disagree with SG, but I am feeling what you are. It is really up to nephews parents to invite me. Their son, their party, their wishes. In the past they would have said that, for both of us to come, but they know the situation, they really should speak to me. It will not be easy for me to do this if it unfolds that way. But I need to keep looking at the high road in this. You know i was in the bookstore tonight, and on my way out, all of a sudden i was hit with a vision of a letter that i could write to nephew. I will jot down what came to my mind tonight when i go to be, it was along the lines of, i cannot believe you are all grown now, heading off to (college, marines unknown) It seems just yesterday i meet a beautiful 3 month old baby boy, and some other things.

Thank you both so much for trying your best to be positive about my mom. I am in the medical field myself, i know that this really is not good, but I am hoping and praying that it is just a cyst, but it could be cancer.

I will know more on Thurs. I feel comfortable with my MD so I know she will guide us in the right direction.

As i sit here, I think like I said before I wish for my best friend who's shoulder i could cry right now, but he is not here, physically or emotionally to tell me it will be ok. But all is not. This makes me very sad, and makes me feel alone, very alone. But that don't kill me will only make me stronger.

Thank you both so much, SG i will work my way to that site.

love you both
((hugs))
Bear

[phbear316]

Hey, stop you too, you are scaring me, stop fighting.

I don't need this fighting between you two.

Please stop. stop

I beg you both.

[sgctxok]

I regarded you both as friends.

I am a chemist in the pharmaceutical industry. It is most likely a cyst, and of course you should rely on you MD.

[sgctxok]

please start a new thread, bear.

[Jeanette1120]

bear!!

All is good sweetie.....I think we are a bit over protective of you