searching for the truth..for me 2

[phbear316]

SG, W2G

Thanks for you imput, i will try to link my old thread over, but we all know i am not good at that, though i keep trying.

Well after posting here before i went out, to michaels, to chef central, and then to book store.

OK WG, i need the name and author of the book you are reading, for i could not find it for anything. I may have copied it down incorrectly. So if you don;t mind could you just let me know. I really want to read it.

Well h is still not home, and you know what, i really don't care, I am tired, mentally, physically. I actually don't feel well. Trust me i have been sick many a birthday, hopefully not this one, but i don't count my chickens before they hatch.

I am going to call mil. Yes WG we did talk about every other week even after h dropped both bombs. I know she is hurt for i did not tell her i was going away. H did, so i guess she feels hurt. i can understand to a point. But it was my vacation.

It should be interesting i just realized in the book store that nephew graduates high school in may. Wonder if i will be invited to go. I will thought send nephew gift cards so he can use for college.

hugs to all
bear

[W2G]

Good Morning Bear,

Congratulations on your new thread!!!

The book is called "living in the light" and it's by Shakti Gawain

Your previous post is..
Searching for the truth...for me

Oh, and one more thing.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY my friend!!!

[Jeanette1120]

Goodmorning bear!

Great thoughts on how to hande your MIL. Just be yourself. You are a kind, caring loving person.!!! Please remember that. Speak just as if when you talk to her.

Sometimes the hardest questions have the easiest answers

Hope you feel better sweets! Early Happy BIrthday!!!

Oh! I loved the idea of re-using the card to buy her something for Mothers Day

Hugs,

Jeanette

[phbear316]

W2G

Thanks for the post and moving my stitch over. That was so sweet. I just cannot seem to work that out.

Thanks for the book title, i had it right last night, but could not find it. I hope having the author will help. Hopefully off to barnes and noble tonight.

H just got up a few minutes ago, shot into the shower like he was on fire, and, and says, i'm going out to the store. Feel like that was the perverbial (sp?) I'm going out for a pack of cigarettes and never comes back. Must have had to meet her for something so i guess he was late. Oh well, Me on the other hand am being very lazy today, have not showered yet, and hold on gang, i need to clean my bathroom, what excitement. I mean that in all fun thought, i truly don't mind, i turn up the music and clean along. No wine as of yet, way to early in am, although somewhere it must be happy hour.....

Thanks for the birthday wishes too.


Jeanette

MIL issue, i will just be myself, i cannot control how she feels for she too cannot control the way i do. I would have thought thou the woman has been thru two divorces i thought she would understand what i was going thru. But she shows here true colors that its all about her, just like she handed down that trait to her son, its all about him too.

Yes thanks i am feeling better, don't know what that was last night. I am having some issues with stress and hives. All of a sudden i just stated to get all itchy and blotchy, had to take benadryl. I had nothing to eat that would trigger a reaction. I am allergic to seafood, so i had egg salad for dinner. Oh well i am better now.

I will use the card for her gift, need to go on line to see how much it is for. I have done this in the past numerous times. She would give me a macys card, i would buy her clothes and send them to her. Or take her shopping when she would be up here.

Thanks for the early birthday wishes. Tomorrow is the day actually

hugs to both
bear

[phbear316]

Question time my friends

Is it normal to feel so disconnected from h?

H comes home after his trip to the store and says, you have mail and here is a card from me. I open the card and find $100 in it, the money is wrapped in a torn piece of paper with writing on it, put this towards a gps unit or clothes or whatever you want. The card is signed by him, saying i really do wish you a happy birthday. love H

Why do i feel so empty? like it just all means nothing to you h, i mean nothing at all. I go out and thank H for the card, i am welling up with tears in my eyes, i lean in to give him a hug and a kiss, he pulled away like he did not want a hug, but i pulled him into a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Later on h says i would like to take you out to dinner tonight or maybe someday during the week. I am like ok, but is has to be after church. H was like ok.

He all of a sudden goes out and disappears, so i go to the supermarket. H texts me with will i guess i will see you after church since you left. I texted back i just went to get some groceries we need be back in 20 minutes. Reply from h was ok.
You have to be kidding me.

I go to church, come home h is like so where do you want to go. THere were two places i wanted to go, but too many sad memories would flood back, they are places h and i would go often for celebrations. I said well we can go over to restaurant in the back by us, but it will be busy. H suggests charlie browns, i am like ok.

I just found it so difficult to be there, It was almost like a bad date, i was waiting for him to say, listen it just not going to work out, with us, so thanks. All we talked about was work stuff.

After dinner we went for long drive, that was nice talked more work stuff. got coffee and then home. Came home to find message on home machine from BIL saying they were waiting to get on a flight from JFK to home nephew had interview with merchant marine academy.

H seemed upset about this, feels not good move for nephew. I knew or know anything about it, so when h said i am not happy about this move, i said, well why are you so upset, talk to me. He gave me a little issues then puts his sneakers on and coat and says i am going to go for a walk. And heads out the door.

I feel so disconnected from him, and his family. especially him.

What does this mean? I never thought i would be in this situation. Have i given up? I hurt cause i know he just went to the corner and got on the phone to her for he must be going crazy not being able to talk or text her for hours. So he is now out talking to her about nephew. Its funny he suddenly changed him mind about getting the salad bar at dinner, i was like ok well i'm going, as i got up, i happened to glance over his shoulder and saw him go right for the phone. And before we were going out we were playing with the cat. His phone vibrates, he goes for all i see is the envelope for a message, he opens it reads it and puts the phone away.

I am sure it was her wondering well have you taken you wife out to dinner yet for her birthday, the pain in the a&^. You know what honey, he is still married to me. He is not totally yours yet. I am glad you feel lonely abandoned sad. I feel that way daily. Step into my hell.

I don't think it was easy for him either tonight, for when we got home he said i had a really nice time tonight, I said i did too, thank you and gave him a hug which he did not pull away from and he let me kiss him on the lips. Then out the door he went.

I sad for i will go to bed tonight alone again, for this i totally hate. Well i think i am going to go get a glass of wine for myself and drink to my birthday which is less than two hrs away.

I feel bad h will be home alone for dinner tomorrow for he is not invited to my parents house and that makes me sad. But i know he will be with her, so he won't be sad or lonely. As i said before i just hate this situation i am in. I wish i was home alone and he was out with ow. Just the thought of me being out with my parents and h not welcome just feels so awful.

Well let me go, i am rambling too much, don't know why just only had one glass of sangria with dinner, and two cups of coffee. Coffee must have done me in LOL

hugs all
bear

[phbear316]

Question time my friends

Is it normal to feel so disconnected from h?

H comes home after his trip to the store and says, you have mail and here is a card from me. I open the card and find $100 in it, the money is wrapped in a torn piece of paper with writing on it, put this towards a gps unit or clothes or whatever you want. The card is signed by him, saying i really do wish you a happy birthday. love H

Why do i feel so empty? like it just all means nothing to you h, i mean nothing at all. I go out and thank H for the card, i am welling up with tears in my eyes, i lean in to give him a hug and a kiss, he pulled away like he did not want a hug, but i pulled him into a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Later on h says i would like to take you out to dinner tonight or maybe someday during the week. I am like ok, but is has to be after church. H was like ok.

He all of a sudden goes out and disappears, so i go to the supermarket. H texts me with will i guess i will see you after church since you left. I texted back i just went to get some groceries we need be back in 20 minutes. Reply from h was ok.
You have to be kidding me.

I go to church, come home h is like so where do you want to go. THere were two places i wanted to go, but too many sad memories would flood back, they are places h and i would go often for celebrations. I said well we can go over to restaurant in the back by us, but it will be busy. H suggests charlie browns, i am like ok.

I just found it so difficult to be there, It was almost like a bad date, i was waiting for him to say, listen it just not going to work out, with us, so thanks. All we talked about was work stuff.

After dinner we went for long drive, that was nice talked more work stuff. got coffee and then home. Came home to find message on home machine from BIL saying they were waiting to get on a flight from JFK to home nephew had interview with merchant marine academy.

H seemed upset about this, feels not good move for nephew. I knew or know anything about it, so when h said i am not happy about this move, i said, well why are you so upset, talk to me. He gave me a little issues then puts his sneakers on and coat and says i am going to go for a walk. And heads out the door.

I feel so disconnected from him, and his family. especially him.

What does this mean? I never thought i would be in this situation. Have i given up? I hurt cause i know he just went to the corner and got on the phone to her for he must be going crazy not being able to talk or text her for hours. So he is now out talking to her about nephew. Its funny he suddenly changed him mind about getting the salad bar at dinner, i was like ok well i'm going, as i got up, i happened to glance over his shoulder and saw him go right for the phone. And before we were going out we were playing with the cat. His phone vibrates, he goes for all i see is the envelope for a message, he opens it reads it and puts the phone away.

I am sure it was her wondering well have you taken you wife out to dinner yet for her birthday, the pain in the a&^. You know what honey, he is still married to me. He is not totally yours yet. I am glad you feel lonely abandoned sad. I feel that way daily. Step into my hell.

I don't think it was easy for him either tonight, for when we got home he said i had a really nice time tonight, I said i did too, thank you and gave him a hug which he did not pull away from and he let me kiss him on the lips. Then out the door he went.

I sad for i will go to bed tonight alone again, for this i totally hate. Well i think i am going to go get a glass of wine for myself and drink to my birthday which is less than two hrs away.

I feel bad h will be home alone for dinner tomorrow for he is not invited to my parents house and that makes me sad. But i know he will be with her, so he won't be sad or lonely. As i said before i just hate this situation i am in. I wish i was home alone and he was out with ow. Just the thought of me being out with my parents and h not welcome just feels so awful.

Well let me go, i am rambling too much, don't know why just only had one glass of sangria with dinner, and two cups of coffee. Coffee must have done me in LOL

hugs all
bear

[ediemarie]

Happy Birthday Bear!!!

I haven't really posted in awhile, but I've been following along.

I'm frustrated for you, Bear. I wish that I could wave a magic wand and make you see that you truly have so many reasons to like yourself, respect yourself, trust yourself. I'm frustrated. I see how you are being treated and my stomach flip-flops. In the midst of my H's affair, I came down with pneumonia. In addition to the illness, I had a major reaction to the medication. Not only did my H not care for me, (I took myself to the dr, got my own medication, made my own food) but he took it upon himself to escalate his EA to PA at my most vulnerable time. Disconnected from H? Yup. I've felt it.

Here's the difference, Bear. When my H started behaving this way, I began to realize that I did not want to be with someone that would do this to their spouse. You are allowing the state of your R with your H to continue. You are contributing to the pain you are feeling. You deserve SO MUCH more than your H is giving you. You deserve to KNOW that you are loved, to have a party hosted in your honor, to be wined, dined, and lavished on your birthday, to be pampered, and encouraged, engaged in conversation, doted on, made to feel like the wonderful, beautiful, caring woman you are. I can't believe he is giving you sloppy seconds and you are ok with accepting them. It's not ok. It doesn't feel ok to you. Stop doing what doesn't feel ok. You are hurting yourself.

Give him the room he wants. You aren't going to be able to reason with him or change him. This power struggle in your M is adding to the problems. Forcing him to hug you. Forcing him to kiss you. Allowing him to text at YOUR birthday dinner. All of that is hurting you. You need to separate yourself from the hurt he is delivering. You have his best interest at heart, Bear. He doesn't have yours. He will continue to hurt you if you continue to allow it to happen. He is not thinking of Bear, at all. He is thinking of himself.

I think you should read up in DR/DB about going dark and then do it. It's difficult while living under the same roof, but it's possible. Start distancing yourself from him. You're not going to feel better until you do. I know you're on your way, but it's time for a big step, just one big step, and then you can go back to the baby steps.

Please drink another glass of wine, get a mani-pedi tomorrow, sleep late, go out for breakfast at a great jersey diner with a magazine and sit at the counter (I still do this alone from time to time), spend the 100 bucks on something terrific, leave in the morning, don't come home until late, plan something for Monday, bake a cake or cupcakes for work - everyone would love to celebrate with you, make a list of all the things in this world you want to do before you die and commit to doing 4 of them before your next birthday comes. Number 1 on that list: Fall in Love - with YOURSELF!

All of us that follow your sitch know how awesome you are. Believe us. We wouldn't post to you if we didn't believe in you or the process that Michelle offers.

hugs,
EM

[Gypsy]

Ms Pooh..

May I be the first to wish you a happy birthday!

Repeat after me:

Whatever he says to others is none of my business.

What my in-laws say to others is none of my business... etc, etc.

It's a very hard concept but one that I find so helpful.

You're unique in that you have daily interactions with your H at home and at work. Why do you think he's stayed? How do you get space from him?

Worrying and projecting what others think drains you. AND it's the easiest thing to do because it's much easier to take care of others than yourself.

I was in a terrible depression that lasted for many years. While trying to come out of it, I came up with an image tale. I saw myself as a loving woman with a large basket of bread and circle of people. I'd offer everyone a piece of bread and when it came to my turn, I'd skip it because others needed it more. I was happy to give and felt fulfilled caring for others. The basket kept going around and I kept taking care of everyone else, occasionally taking a bite of bread but continuing to put others in front of me.

Eventually I was weak and haggard. The people I cared for were begging me to take the bread, to eat it. I couldn't, I felt I had to offer to others, to take care of everyone else. People became frustrated the more I refused.

In my small tale, I'd stop there and think.. I really have to take care of myself, as foreign as it seems.

Take a deep breathe and give to yourself.

Treat yourself the way you would a good friend.

Ask yourself, how would I feel if I saw my good friend doing this? (I loved nursing my babies. My point of reference was a cow. I'd ask myself, "Would a cow do this?" If the answer was no, I wouldn't do it. "Would a cow vacuum?" Nope! Granted I'd only ask myself those questions when I was feeling tired but it really helped).

Relish this day and each to come. You're worth it, P. Bear!

*hugs*

[sgctxok]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BEAR.

Make this a new year.

[phbear316]

SG, EM, Gypsy

Thanks so much for the birthday wishes. I truly appreciate them.

I am truly trying to separate from H. The "eat without me text" or I'm going out text's don't bother me anymore like they used to.

Signals from h are very confusing. H will make dinner and wait for me to eat when i come home from gym. On the other hand, i don't wait for him to eat when he has therapy, and if there is enough food left he is more than welcome to it. There has been a time when i made myself a bowl of cereal, h was like what did you eat? Cereal. He was well what am i to eat. I was like house full of food, you can pick what you want. In the past i would have made food for both, waited for him to come home, eaten with him, or even made him what ever he wanted. Not anymore.

Yes, it is wrong for him to do all this, but my other option would have been, to stay home or go to the mall by myself. My parents were not available, and i really don't have friends and trust me they were all out drinking for st.pattys day. But you know sometimes you really love yourself when you can stay home and be with yourself. This has been my whole life, even when things were good with h and I, we never went out lots with friends, there was a few years with one couple we went out for all birthdays, but they had kids and time disappeared.

H puts himself first now, i fall below the cat. But you know that is his description of me, not mine. I did not ask for this i did not break our vows, I did not agree to cheat on the other. I did not agree to carry on a separate life.

YOu know the other day i said i saw an old co-worker, who said she missed me. Well i found out h, her and others went out friday night, that was the work dinner. Now funny she has not put two and two together. I always was invited out to work dinners. No more she has taken my seat next to h. But she will never take my pride. My head is held higher than both of them. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I carry my own shame and guilt, but is is mine and all mine, its my personal baggage. I have not ruined my reputation, my self respect, H has done that to himself.

Well back to confusing statements from h. He comes back from walk, makes himself drink. DOes not ask me, why should he i don't exist. anyway, we start talking about nephew. Blah, blah, yaddda yadda, etc. Then he comes out with a statement, he graduates in may, and i think since you are his aunt, you should come to florida for his graduation and party. It took my brain about 35 seconds to process that. Then he says i really should book a flight soon for us, before the prices go up. Then brain kicks in, WTF, did you just say???

You don't want to be married to me, you want to divorce me, your family has not spoken to me in months, 5 months for sil, bil, and 3 for mil. And you want me to go to florida for graduation? I am totally stuck on this.

Am i wrong for my first reaction to be. NO..H this is not a good idea. I totally don't feel comfortable with this. How the hell are we going to work this out. He stays at house with BIL, SIL, and i get to stay with MIL? HUH?

I don't know I am confused with this. What would you guys do. As you can tell by the time this has kept me up for a while.

Gypsy you are right that is a great analgy of me, I am always giving, taking nothing for me.

You know EM, when i got up to go to salad bar, i wanted to say to h, ok now make sure you check you phone and text her. But that would be showing him I am a bitch. And i will not do that. When i throw the disrespect card in his face and call him on it, it just winds him up like i top, its like i push his buttons. For he cannot stand the truth being told to him or thrown back in his face. So i refused to say what I wanted to say. I don't want the drama. I don't want to deal with it, so i just got up and made my self a very nice salad.
Oh and i never had that glass of wine, and i don't know why, oh i know i find when i drink when h is home, its not good for me. I want him like a married woman would want her husband. And i will not put myself in that horrible humiliation scene again like he did to me over the summer. I did not intentionally have the glass of wine, i really just forgot.

Well all my wonderful friends whom i love you have made my day special, now with all this typing i am feeling a little sleepy. So i am going to try to go off to dream land, dream about disney world. LOL. My plans for the day in the am, i am going to make pancakes, and make an irish soda bread, wish me luck first time trying. Its a premade mix so it should work out ok. I hope. Then package up my kitty and head down to my parents house for corned beef an cabbage, my traditional birthday dinner.

Thank you everyone
big hugs
bear