Detaching is very hard but I am doing the best I can. We both went out last night and she got home after me and i did not ask one question last night nor this morning. She said she would be home at 8:30 for the kids and she got home after 11:00.
She has been lieing more and more lately.
She keeps reminding me she dose'nt love me that way any more, I am convinced she is trying to convince herself of this. I don't know when her L appointment was rescheduled bit I think she wants to go straight forward with the D or at least a separation of some kind. I know I am assuming to much.
S12 and I are off to Richmond VA (6hrs) for a soccer tournament today for the weekend.
You are a smart guy. You see what you are doing, and you know it's not all healthy. That's good. Many people can't see the unhealthy aspects of their behaviors, or even know why they do some of the things they do. I'm with you all the way on detachment being oh so hard. I struggle with it myself, and can't yet bring myself to run to a L to get my own D moving along as fast as possible. So, W and I are in limbo. We don't talk. I'm out of the house living my life. For now, detachment for me means not wondering what she is up to and trying to live my own life as best I can.
I feel what you and I are feeling is normal. If we really do love someone, we can't just walk out cleanly in a short while. It's a slow process, one that is cyclical. There will be times when we are sure we're done with them, that we're sick of the mess and the hurt they have caused us. And yet, there are other times when we still wonder if it could work with them, that we do love them, and would like them, at least as we imagine they could be, in our lives. We don't want the current manifestation, but we would like to believe that some transformed, better relationship is possible. The big question, of course, is whether we are just dreaming or whether that will occur. Only time will tell. In the meantime, go enjoy that soccer tourney and do the best you can. I'm traveling myself and will be away from the boards for three days, so take care and take it one moment at a time.
Is it too much space? No. space and time are what she needs. How does it help you to be around her when she drags you into the void? Besides, you're going with your son.
Do your best to not think about what she's doing or with whom. If you don't have a nice thick rubberband, get one. Wear it on your wrist and when you start thinking about what she's up to...snap that puppy, HARD. It might help you mind off her and put in on your bleeding wrist (depending on how hard and how often you snap it).
You are right! She needs lots of space and I can not be dragged into her dark hole anymore. It is not healthy. I got the rubber band Graceful Grace. I just spoke with her for the fourth time today (all her calling me) and asked her if she would join us in Vermont next weekend for Easter and she seemed to agree to it. That would be great.
Treeman, I responded on your thread in Separated...
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
Don't say anything to S12 about MLC. It portrays a negative image of his Mother and that can be disheartening to a 12 year old boy.
Try to keep this between you and W for the moment. If he ask, tell him your going through some difficulties but that you will work it out between the two of you. Reinforce to him that it has no affect on your relationship with him and that his M and you will both be there for him.
Don't act like a victim or portray her as the bad person in this in front of him. It affects a child's sense of security and loyalty to both parents. You need to be very sensitive about this.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Well said and good advise. It's kinda where I am at. He was just asking why M has been so mean to Dad and sometimes to the other kids. I must be very careful and think through what I say and show. In the beginning they were catching me crying and that was very disheartning for them.
I am thinking of letting a Dobson letter fly. I am ready and prepared to suffer or enjoy the consequences.
Your thoughts required:
W is ready to go to L to take next steps so I want her to feel good about it. I am going to refine this very closly but here it is. She told me Thursday that she does not love me anymore, again.
Please send your comments.
Treeman
"Dearest Sally:
Thank you for the talk in my room Thursday morning, I thought we made great progress. You have really helped me get to a different mindspace. I did not realize that you have been thinking of this for the past 20 years, as you stated...it must have been terrible to carry that around for such a long time. I realize I have no right to assume how you feel, after all they are your feelings, not mine.
I do not want you back in our marriage if you are truly not "in love" with me. It is unfair to both of us.
I prefer that we are together. But at this point it sounds impossible. So, I will not stand in your way if you want to move on. I will no longer expect you to come back, and I don't want you to feel that you have to.
I hope that we will continue to, as always, have a deep friendship. I will always be there for you no matter what the issue.
