Thanks, everyone. I appreciate all of you and your kind input very much.
I've said it before -- I am my own worst enemy in this. I just don't know how to keep my mouth shut, or how to otherwise keep W from dragging me into her drama.
I guess I need to get to the point where I am longer attached to her even subconsciously, to give her up on every level. Right now the only thing that drags me back in is trying to be civil with her regarding our children. She acts almost "normal" at times but then she turns on me in a heartbeat.
She acts like the thing that is keeping us apart is solely in her hands -- that she cannot trust me to make her "happy".
Trust. That's a funny one. The reality is that I am now struggling to trust her; if she were to suddenly announce she's reconsidered and now wanted to rebuild our M, it will take a lot of healing between us before I will begin to ever trust her again.
I think she realizes how far afield she's strayed, that she senses the damage between us might now be too great to repair. And she doesn't have the patience, the will or the courage to try to repair things, to take that risk. She has too many insecurities and she wants to simply cut her losses rather than risk any of her fragile self-esteem in what I believe to be a worthy effort.
If that's how she really feels, then I think maybe its time I just walk it off, call it quits myself. I can tilt at windmills with the best of them, but there comes a point where it's more folly than courage.
I think she realizes how far afield she's strayed, that she senses the damage between us might now be too great to repair. And she doesn't have the patience, the will or the courage to try to repair things, to take that risk. She has too many insecurities and she wants to simply cut her losses rather than risk any of her fragile self-esteem in what I believe to be a worthy effort.
Wow, nocode, change 'she' to 'he', and voila! My H....
It looks easier to run, than to stand and fix.
HUGS!!!
I don't feel like I will ever get complete detachment from H, at least it feels like that now.
just playing catch up. I think the 300 email sounds like persuing, usually not good. After catching up all i can suggest is think alien. Are you sure she doesnt have antennas?
thinking of you
light switch
Me 37 W 37 D21 D17 D12 S8 grandparents 7/07 boy Married 16 yrs last June 07 Bomb dropped 4/07
"Do what you feel in your heart to be right-for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't", Eleanor Roosevelt
I have been scarce these last few days. This weekend was a bit tough -- the first time I haven't had custody of my S's for an entire weekend since the separation began 8 months ago. While I have traditionally been accustomed to spending time alone much of my adult life, I am no longer used to it. Unlike some people, I am not a social butterfly who feels all out of sorts when not around others -- in fact I tend to take great advantage of my solitude, or at least I used to. Unfortunately not having to give the care to my boys like I have grown accustomed to has had me at a disadvantage -- I do miss them so.
It did not help that whenever I called them, my two S's were basically unresponsive. We have established the tradition that when they are in the care of one parent, the other parent will call and talk to them by phone every day, once in the morning (before the start of the day) and once in the evening (just before bed time). Well every time I called them this weekend, they were always distracted by something. W filled their weekend with activities and kept them up much later than usual -- even last night, which was a "school night". S7 has a hard enough time focusing on a conversation when there are a minimum of possible distractions. W has complained to me bitterly whenever I had left a children's show on while she tries to talk over the phone to them. So I have taken great pains to ensure the best possible setting for their conversations when she calls. This weekend, W showed no such sensitivity herself.
And apparently W is earnestly trying to win back her place as the "fun" parent (her words) by taking the two of them to movies and to Bullwinkle's (a place like Chucky Cheese's). I am not really threatened, but I am sure W is thinking she is having great success in showing me up in my children's minds. I guess she has fully bought into her mother's thinking that fathers (or husbands) are pretty much optional.
One good thing that happened is that W did take our S's to church on Sunday. I had a bit of fear that W's guilt would have fabricated some excuse for her not taking them, just as her guilt has led her to so many other harmful and hurtful behaviors. But she did take them, even though she pulled that same trick again of relocating to another part of the sanctuary once she took S7 to children's church, so as to not sit anywhere near me. I was expecting that and so I wasn't really bothered by it. I was more concerned that she not miss the reading from the Bible for Palm Sunday, where the betrayal by Judas Iscariot was described. There are so many similarities between Judas and the WAS.
Friday night, I got together with a couple of my Divorce Care friends at a coffee shop. It was a good chance for me to get out and socialize with other adults -- more GALing. We had a long conversation (3 and a half hours) mostly about legal matters, and about how these WAS are treating us in such an awful, heartless manner. I am astonished how exhausting both financially and emotionally these legal proceedings can be -- and I have barely started out. There's potentially a lot of rough, rough road ahead for me (and for W too). If W persists, it won't be pretty.
Oh nocode, we are different sexes but so much alike. It will be very hard for me to be away from my kids when it happens. I have focused so much on being a good, solid, consistent parent. Have even embraced it as a major role for my life. I wander like a crazy person around the house even if they are gone for a few hours. I just don't know what to do with myself. Getting out (like you did Friday) is about the only cure.
I sooo know what you mean about the distracted calls. I get frustrated when H doesn't 'guide' the calls a bit. Sometimes, he'll get in the shower while they are talking to me. Uh-uh, mister. Now he is so much better and I am respectful of him when he calls too. Nothing is worse than missing your kids and getting garbled and distracted communication.
Glad she got them to church. Let her be the "Disney Parent". Your kids gain so much more in the hours you have spent quietly in your apartment doing 'nothing'.
I was hoping to be the for-real Disney parent later this year. But if W insists on making things hot for us legally, that is going to be impossible. The L fees are going to wipe us both out for a long time to come.
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While I have been advised not to in the past, and I keep talking myself out of it, I keep coming back around to deciding whether to contact the W of the OM or leave it alone. It is the need for more information that is driving me.
I am certain she (OM's W) knows already that the SOB is cheating on her with my W, and that's why he was forced to move out back in July, just a few weeks after I did. I also know from the PI that he no longer resides in his marital home and hasn't since that time.
I have been given multiple warnings over the past that making contact could very well backfire on me and force the end of my M. But I am getting to the point where I am realizing that all the DB'ing the world is not going to save my M anyway. My W is unerringly steering us towards D. In fact, as time progresses, that becomes more and more solidified in her mind -- nothing I can say or do will have any effect on her stubborn, willful behavior.
So I am concluding that contacting the other W won't cause any more harm than is already happening. W is still on the slow and steady path to rub me out of her life and that of our S's. W is still extremely hostile towards me. She still sees me as her enemy and she resists any notion that we should get along. W is already on a warfare footing, hot or cold it doesn't matter.
The possible benefit is that I might be able to piece more of the picture together. I feel there is still quite a lot I don't know, especially about the OM. Granted, it will be tainted information coming from the OM's W, but I can take that into consideration.
The worst that could happen, as far as I can imagine, is that she (OM's W) refuses to talk to me. I see that as no harm, no foul. Or, it could precipitate the pushing of W and OM closer, but there's nothing preventing that now. It's happening now -- W is decidedly detached from me and our R already.
W's running the clock out, waiting with baited breath for the first legal moment she can file for D. I keep praying something will change the course of our impending dissolution, that God will work his miracle in W's heart. But I have to realize that God cannot/will not intervene in that manner unless W lets Him. There's that darn free-will thing getting in the way again.
The only thing that holds me back is that I had asked God to take this burden from me -- I gave this over to Jesus to handle. If I take matters in my own hand in this manner, would that be a sore demonstration of a lack of faith on my part? I remember the lesson of how much eventual harm took place (even until this very day) because Sara, Abram's wife, took matters in her own hands and sought out the servant girl to provide her husband with an heir. If Sara had but only waited on the Lord to fulfill His promise to her, so much misery could have been avoided.
I think in my case that I need to stand fast in my faith in God, but realize that where it comes to the actions and wills of human beings, God defers to His decision to grant us free will, for better or for worse. It's in our hands. In this case, God can try what he can, but he will not violate our free will. This means that on the subject of W's heart, it is entirely in her own hands. God won't intervene unless W allows Him in.
So, I still keep periodically debating myself as to whether I should take actions that might display a lack of faith in my lord and savior. Or just be patient for a miracle.
(I will say this -- no matter what, if we end in D anyway, I will have no holds on me to not pursue what confrontational avenue I deem prudent. I will let everyone in her family and all of her friends know the truth of what really has been happening. I will hide her sins no longer after that.)
I have mixed feelings about contacting the W. It sounds like she already knows about the affair from what you say, so what is your motivation for doing so? I don't know that info about the OM will help you in your sitch always? I do know that the OW in my case is quite different than me: I'm a sahm and 100% committed to my kids (probably had too much focus on my kids and not enough on my H in the past), and she is a workaholic lawyer and doesn't spend too much time with her kids. I bet in many cases, the OP are very different, the grass is always greener, etc. The knowledge doesn't really change me at all; if H wants a workaholic not interested in their kids, that is something I am not interested in turning myself into; I do wonder if he will eventually get tired of that. If that's what he wants then I am not the woman for him obviously.
I pray every night as well. I feel that standard DBing fits in well with letting God do the major work, but I feel comfortable that GAL and the other DB typical techniques are compatible with my daily prayer. Have you tried praying about your question about contacting OW as well and seeing if you are provided an answer? It usually does help me to pray about things that I am worried/thinking about like that. Karen
Have you tried praying about your question about contacting OW as well and seeing if you are provided an answer? It usually does help me to pray about things that I am worried/thinking about like that. Karen