What Michelle has posted is basically what I've told my H. I told him that he is free to see the OW, but I no longer want to be a part of the R. If he wants to live in our home with me (and therefore me paying the bills) he needs to end all contact with the OW. No cell phone calls, text messages, emails, sign language, seeing her, telegrams,(I went on and on with just about any form of communication I could think of). It worked. I think he still contacts her now and then, but their relationship has bascially ended. This was a 180 for me because before I was very passive and allowed him to do whatever he wanted.
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
I wish I would have put it this way instead of saying that he had to choose. I feel that if I back down at all now that he will just run all over me, but I also feel that it may come back to bite me in the end.
He needs to get some help in the worst way. I know she is just a symptom of all of his bigger issues, but it was just SO innapropriate and over the line, I just am not able to deal with that anymore and that he is still interested in someone that would do that do another person, let alone his wife just shows me how far down he has sunk.
Can anyone suggest a way to put it this way (What Michelle posted) without losing anymore ground with boundary setting?
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Now as to possibly losing any more ground, I think that will only happen if you don't stick to the boundaries you set forth.
You gave him a date - in one of your posts you said it was July 4th. I don't think your H needs to be reminded, unless HE initiates an R talk that you can't get out of. That's when you can remind him that you won't be a part of his R with OW. You won't tolerate it in your M.
In the meantime, you need to focus on you. Control your actions as well as your reactions. No more flipping the finger, no more drama. I know you're hurting and you want to lash out, but is it really going to help your M in the end?
Be the better option. Be the better person. Do not focus on the A. Focus on YOU.
Last edited by GoingForward; 03/13/0811:49 PM.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Just wanted to add that I found this to be interesting:
Quote:
He was complaining that even though he is gone and spending all of his free time with OW, I don't pursue him...
This too:
Quote:
He ended up calling me at 3:45 in the morning and telling me that he was sorry that I had seen that, blah, blah,blah and that ulimately he just needed to get this out of his system and that he thought he would be home.
I could be wrong, but it seems to me that your H "ultimately" wants to be with you again, but for whatever reason, he's not feeling loved. He's not feeling wanted.
Have you read "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman? Do you know what your H's LLs are?
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
He probably isn't feeling loved, wanted or pursued by anyone but the OW at this time, because I can not longer put myself in that position. I have told him that I love him and that I believe we can work this out, but we can't as long as there are 3 in the marriage.
I have let him cake-eat this whole time and I just can't do it anymore. It doesn't make anything better and I can't keep letting my feelings overtake my common sense. You are too right about the drama too, thats why I am choosing to step away.
I'm not leaving him, just the relationship with "them."
I told him what Michelle said and he sounded relieved. I told him that he didn't have to choose, that I had said he had until July and that I would honor that committment. However until all contact with the OW stopped, that I would no longer participate in R/M. I will be available to talk about the kids, finances or anything pertaining to the running of our household, but thats all.
Had to go to D6 "Student of the Moth" awards assembly this a.m. and he told me that he knew what he was going to do. He wanted us to work and that he needed his time with his counselor and that he needs time to get rid of OW too. I couldn't help it, I told him the longer he kept her around, the harder it will be. He said he knew, but didn't really say much more and I dropped it. I don't know what is going to happen, all I can do at this point is take care of my kids and myself and let the chips fall where they may.
I think he meant it when he said it, but actions speak louder than words and he is going to have to not only talk the talk, but walk the walk.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
actions speak louder than words and he is going to have to not only talk the talk, but walk the walk.
You said it! And that's the only way he'll ever be able to regain your trust or make the M work.
I'm glad he seemed to respond to what I said. I wish I could come up with such good material on the spot in my own stitch!
I totally sympathize with the cake-eating thing. I think my H was doing a bit of that at first. I think in some stitches, especially where the 5LL is physical affection, maintaining some sort of H/W relationship can be helpful, but it's all about what you can stomach. I got sick of the drama as well.
I think you being clear that you are not walking away from him, accepting the uncertainty in your stitch, and taking care of yourself and the kids is healthy detachment.
I am also curious what your H's LL is, even if only for future reference.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I'm going to have to read that book, the 5LL and figure it out. I think it would really help.
I hate to give up the physical affection, because sometimes it feels like the only connection we have. But after the texts that I was sent, I just can't do it anymore, its just not something I can continue to do when I'm not the only one...eeeeewwwww!!!!
Its harder to think when you are "in the moment" about what to say and how to say it without making things worse. Thanks again, you really helped me...I owe you one!
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
You can also find a lot of basic info about the 5LL on that website w/o buying the book. I checked it out of the library, it is quite good although since I'm not terribly religious I got a bit annoyed by certain parts.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I'm going to have to read that book, the 5LL and figure it out. I think it would really help.
I think it would, too. That's why I asked if you knew your H's LLs. Individuals often have two.
And for all you know, PT (physical touch) may not be one of them.
If his LL is WOA (words of affirmation), you can compliment him and give him praise. AOS (acts of service), do little things for him that you know he would appreciate. Gifts, get him a little something just to show you care. QT (quality time), and this is a hard one to implement without coming off as chasing, invite him along on family outings with the kids.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
