Some of my friends say I am crazy for thinking there is any flame at all...
As is my tradition with the start of a new thread, here is the sitch recap.
Current Situation I am out of the house, living rent free with a friend. Wife remains in the marital home. She filed for divorce in November 2007. Followed up with a restraining order, alleging domestic violence, in February. I am out of the house, I don't have my wife, don't have my things, my full paycheck goes to the wife, and I get to see the kids 9 hours per week.
Some Background W's parents divorced when she was 6. Father remarried and lost touch with W and her sis, no child support payments, etc. W's mom became an alcoholic, had a series of short term physical relationships with men, in the house. There was lots of drinking, some drugs. The family house fell into disrepair, they were poor, W hated her situation, her parents. She was ashamed of her mom. Her mom is an active alcoholic now.
W and I met in college. I'm from a big Italian family, I am # 5 of 7 siblings. W loved the big family, was close with all my sibs. W was closer with my parents than with her own. My parents loved her, truly, sweetly, like their own daughter.
My mom and dad fell into poor health, Dad smoked too much and died suddenly of heart attack in 2002. Mom diagnosed with breast cancer later the same year. Mom died in late 2004. I took my dad's sudden death hard; Mom's death was hard too, but not unexpected. In retrospect, it sure seems like these were big blows to my W, too. Maybe re-living the abandonment she experienced from her *own* parents. Seems to fit the pattern of a MLC trigger.
Around the time of the passing of my mom, W began showing signs of feeling antsy. Changed her hair color often. Not terribly satisfied with her deal. Talked about breast augmentation surgery. Got a hearing aid. Had surgery for varicose veins. In 2004/5, we went through a period where we didn't make love for 10 months. After a pattern of rejections of my advances, I resolved on my own to stop initiating, and to wait for her. It was a long wait. In the end she never initiated, I just got tired of waiting. She didn't even notice it, expressed disbelief when I told her how long it had been. We talked about it, I suggested counseling. She declined. She resolved to focus more on our physical relationship. Later, we went to Paris on a vacation, just us two; she confided to her friend that even there she was not happy. I did not know.
The Crisis Revealed Spring 2006, my job had changed, I began travelling more often. At the same time our best family friends were going through some marriage troubles. The wife/mother from that family took a job in another state, came home only on weekends. W and the man (my best friend), both stay at home parents, became closer. W told me that the physical affair between my wife and the OM started in May 2006 during a crisis in the OM's relationship with his wife (he had had a vasectomy, but his wife somehow got pregnant). I believe the emotional affair started long before that.
The wife of the man discovered the affair in July 2006, and called to let me know. I was devastated. The very first night I locked her out of the house. I actually picked her up and dropped her in the front yard. It was the first and only physical confrontation I ever had with my wife. This has now come back to haunt me as the justification for a domestic violence restraining order.
The next day she came back to the house, but obviously it was tense. She was hurt by what I had done, what she had done. Me too.
(More in next post)
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
The Context All during the summer of 2006, while W was carrying on her affair, we had been planning to move the family across the country, away from all our extended family and friends. The move was her idea. By July, it was all arranged. The close date on the new house was 10 days away. We'd be making a huge new financial commitment, double our previous mortgage. And of course we had the original house we'd continue to pay for until it was sold. It all felt like big changes to me, financial risks, emotional stresses. These were changes for our family that I would only consider if I thought we were solid as a married couple.
After the initial shock wore off, I spoke to my wife about this commitment - what would we do about the planned move? She told me she wanted to stay with me. She never wanted to break up the family. She felt horrible about what she had done. I accepted responsibility for my part. We pledged to each other that we would make it work. Together we decided to go through with the move.
Attempts at Recovery She repeated to me all the standard language about affairs: OM and I had a connection, we're on the same frequency, we're soulmates, we were together in a previous life (no, seriously!), etc. W even said that her affair was "textbook", and I agreed. I agreed that I bore a responsibility for allowing the marriage to deteriorate to the point where an affair would even be conceivable. But she seemed to honestly want to end it. She opened up and disclosed her deceits, her phone logs, her tricks, her lies, her secret email account, her ruses. She wrote to me: "No more lies. Ever."
We both agreed that marriage counseling would help us, but the move delayed the start of it. In August 2006, W turned 40. I gave her a BMW Z4 Convertible. In September 2006, wife started individual counseling on her own - refused to tell me what it was about. She and I started counseling together, in November 2006, 4 months after I learned of the affair. Somehow we never really got on track. W continued to communicate with the other man. She gave up on counseling after 4 months. She continued to lie.
A Growing Distance Since then, W's complaints about me have escalated as time went on. In fall of 2006, it started with: I (me) was always unhappy. This was the reason she strayed. Later the list of complaints grew to include I was scary, especially to the kids. I accepted that and worked on that earnestly. She was right, it was a valid complaint. I made progress on that. But the list of complaints just kept growing. By January 2007, it included I was controlling. I did not know how to fix that one. There certainly was truth to it - in the first week after my learning of the affair, I suggested she change her cell phone number, I suggested we block the man's phone from our house, I suggested we block his email account. When she told me of the secret email account she used to connect with him, I asked for her password, and I read the email trail back-and-forth with her boyfriend, as they planned their trysts, traded love poems, and excoriated their defenseless spouses. it was horrible to read.
So yes, I was controlling, especially around the affair. I'm sure it felt very invasive for her. I see that now. But I relinquished that. It stopped quickly. I don't read her email. I don't review her cellphone records. I don't monitor her calendar. I did not monitor our checking account. (She managed the family money).
In March 2007, in therapy, W expressed a feelign of hopelessness about us. Later than month, we went on a family trip to Hawaii. Our whole family in paradise! But she was morose the entire time. On that trip, we made love once (her idea) and she wept afterwards. In April 2007, W moved out of the bedroom for "space". In summer 2007, W begain drinking more heavily. She added some new detail to the controlling allegation: that I blocked her from having friends (not true (except for OM)); that interfered with her relationship with her family. (Not true). And a million other weird complaints. None of which I agreed with. I did not know how to address the complaints, because I wasn't doing these things. She also escalated her complaints of my temper, inventing stories of outbursts on my part, which did not occur. I was stupefied. Our shared history was slowly turning blacker and blacker in her mind. I couldn't fix these things. I hoped, acted as if, kept on going. We still had dinner every night as a family, though she refused to share a bed with me.
Then in October 2007, W played the "abuse" card - she asserted that I was abusive to her for 20 years, that I have restricted her hobbies (totally untrue), that I have chased her through the house and grabbed her violently (totally not true). She alleged that I myself was unfaithful, which was at once an unfounded allegation and also completely untrue. In January 2008, she alleged that I secretly hacked into her computer and copied her files. Not true. Things are starting to look weirder. In February 2008, she added that I have never been involved with the kids, and that I was calling her friends to intimidate them. ok, now this is beyond ludicrous - it is paranoid. There is no other word for it. She is now saying that our move across the country was because of a job transfer for me. But this is exactly backwards. We decided to move, and then I got a new job. Her memory is clearly distorted.
Why am I the one to be out of the house? When we separated September 1st 2007, I moved out and she stayed in the house with the kids. I told her I was moving out and we needed to sell the house. as I pulled away, she immediately (reflexively?) drew closer, asking me to return to counseling, asking me to not force the sale of the house.
We wrote up a "controlled separation" agreement, stating in part that, We'd date each other, we'd go back to counseling or Retrouvaille, and that neither of us would file for divorce for 3 months. None of those things happened. She filed papers November 27th. I later learned she had been preparing to divorce since September, getting financial statements, etc. The "agreement" in retrospect seems like a way to keep me flat footed while she prepared her legal case. I also learned in retrospect that I should have gotten legal help before leaving the house.
Despite the mess in the fall, Christmas was nice - we spent it together with the kids. I slept in the same house with her, first time in 4 months, at her invitation. On Christmas Eve, when all the kids were asleep, we shared a bottle of wine and some quiet conversation. She gave me a kiss on the cheek - first one in 5-6 months. It was nice. Since then I have been asking to discuss separating finances, custody arrangements, and that makes her very angry. She has pulled back pretty strongly, refusing all contact with me via the DV restraining order. She is asserting that she is deeply afraid of me.
OM is three states away, is dating other women, his divorce is proceeding or possibly done. He sees his 3 children rarely. He is a pariah among all my friends from college, who still keep in touch. W and OM still connect regularly. She visits him. I believe they talk regularly, if not every day. In January, W told me they are "just friends" now, and always will be. Remember, this is her former "soulmate".
here is what a friend of mine wrote to me in January 2007:
Quote:
Dude: I've been thinking. I know I am far removed from your situation and also very much doubt I have any real insight to offer anyway, but I'm offering the following anyway for what little it may be worth. Please take it with a giant grain of salt. Not sharing it with anyone else.
I'm worried that things are going to get worse before they get better. My fear is that your wife could already be checked out, and that she is (perhaps subconsciously) going through the motions to give you time to come to the same conclusions that she has, or (this is a cynical thought) even to position herself to get things she wants (again maybe subconsciously) after a future split. That is not based on any direct interactions, but rather on your comments about her behavior. In the mean time, you are walking on egg shells. She gets to vent her anger at you, but you don't have any way to fight back or to really reconcile thereafter---the latter is the more concerning one. You can't keep taking it on the chin and come back smiling.
If I were in your shoes, I was thinking about what I would want to say when I found the opportunity---understood that you do not think that you are in a position to do this now, but I think the situation may fester until you can find the way to get there (if there is a way) ...
Wife: We are on a path that is going to divide our family, cause financial hardship for all of us (e.g., selling the house that we cannot afford unless we're together), and lead to substantial time apart for each of us from our children. I don't want this to happen, but you have to meet me half way if we are to prevent it.
I have acknowledged that I haven't always been what you needed me to be; that I could have done better in our relationship; that I can sometimes be angry and scary; I'm working on those things. But all succesful relationships require balance, and we are out of balance until you also face some of the wrongs that you have done.
For now, I will work on my stuff with kids and making myself better person in general, but we cannot continue to work on fixing our relationship until
You work to remember things as they truly were. Every one of your friends will tell you that you used to be happy with me and in our marriage, despite my failings. The current situation is simply a no win for me--in your eyes I can do no right and you can do no wrong. You are both trying to hurt me (and I have been deeply hurt already), and put me in a position where I can't fight back, and without some more balance, we cannot reconcile thereafter.
You agree that while we are together, we are together. That you are working on our relationship, and don't have one foot out the door. That you are not biding your time, trying to more gently push me out the door. This is a death of 1000 cuts. Instead, you have to have the guts to sign up to do our best to fix this for say the next year, or else say that you'll make no such effort and that you want out.
And no matter all my failings which I acknowledge and regret, what you did that put seven children at risk was behavior that you regret, and will never do again.
Without these, I don't see that we can make progress. All that happens is more hurt.
Sorry. Wish I had something more compelling to offer you. Anytime you need a sounding board, I'm here. You have as high integrity as anyone I know, and while you can sometimes be a bit of a hothead (I would say passionate instead), I have never seen you lose control. Yer kids know that you have a heart of gold, so work to change, but don't beat yourself up, and don't change much.
This is R talk and demands and ultimatims. All absolute no-no's in divorce busting. But in retrospect, it could have saved me a ton of trouble and probably money too, and right now I would be enjoying more time with my kids, one way or the other.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
I am sorry you are hurting so badly right now. You seem to be beating yourself up over something you can't control. You've done the best you could in an impossible situation. I haven't always agreed with your approach, but you have been thoughtful about your choices and have made them with the best interest of your family in mind. No one can ask more of you than that.
Originally Posted By: SirPrizeMe
This is R talk and demands and ultimatims. All absolute no-no's in divorce busting. But in retrospect, it could have saved me a ton of trouble and probably money too, and right now I would be enjoying more time with my kids, one way or the other.
This is like saying "if things were different, they wouldn't be the same." True, but you don't know what the outcome would have been.
Now you get to play the hand you've been dealt. I hope you have a good attorney who will represent you zealously. Your W used the nuclear option right out of the chute. Hopefully your L has dealt with this kind of thing before and has a strategy in mind.
SPM, I was worried about you. You know, we can't try to figure these people out, they are in the Twilight Zone. Right now, please take care of you, do what you have to, and enjoy whatever time you have with your children. Let w blow in the wind for now. You know your truth. She can't take that away from you.
SPM - Here's a totally non-DB tactical thought. Her mother is a terrible alcoholic, and now she's drinking and making these outlandish, paranoid statements, right?
It would be wonderful if she got busted on a DUI right about now, wouldn't it?
I wonder if there's any way to report her driving drunk without it being traceable to you? (Odds are she is).
Okay, this is probably useless, because I can't really come up with a way for this to happen that wouldn't include you stalking her to catch her getting in a car drunk. Darn.
SPM: So sorry to hear about your situation; abandonment is so hard to deal with. I've become convinced that a physical death is easier to cope with than this mess. I can't really add much to what's already been said, except that you have people who are thinking about you and hoping for your healing process. One step at a time. You control yourself; try to learn from this, and refuse to be a victim. Show empathy for her, hard as that is. Forgive her; hard as that is. Try not to let her have power over you; you control your emotions and your actions.
