He's coming for his post and to get a suitcase for his holiday. Hopefully though, he is also coming for a chat. And now the "truth is out there" in a way it would be hard to sit and pretend and wear our masks to one another, as we have been doing since all this began, so perhaps its inevitable that some conversation will take place... Which makes me think, it would be wise to be prepared for that eventuality! I did ask before about this, so far I havent had an R talk (not one that he instigated!) thats what I have been waiting and waiting for. So presumably its just all that listen and validate stuff !? Any advice would be appreciated..
I wont know until he's here of course, like I said, its all speculation for now and I will find out tommorow. I invited him for dinner, but also said or, were you going to come round after you've eaten? So he has a get out clause if he doesnt want to eat with me or hang around. Hopefully he will agree though, it would be the first time since November that he sat and ate a meal with me.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Nice feedback from BF on your email. Glad to hear that because I know you were concerned that you had said too much.
I've got my fingers crossed that you'll have a nice dinner together. The power of positivity!!! But in my opinion I would omit any R talk unless he leads.. Just my $0.02.
He opened up to you, don't push him further than he is ready to go. You are still his special girl, he "let you in". Don't go overboard scaring him off. It is important since this is the first meeting after the email. Wait for him Ali, he needs you to be there but let him decide when he can reach out to you.
That's so great that you'll be seeing him before he goes away. I think if he initiates R talk, listen and validate. Don't offer too many of your own thoughts- let him do the talking. And don't initiate aany R talks yourself (apart from maybe to ask how he's doing, which I think is what a friend would do in this situation in any case).
Let us know how it goes. Thinking of you!
L.xx
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
Hey everyone - thank you for that Kalni! It worked beautifully! Sade - I remember now.
Well guys, I am worried. All those emails back and forth for weeks, being "friends" - he was making a decision? And now that process has come to an end - with his diagnosis. He hardly emails. He doesnt say "hope you are ok" either. He sent me an email Tuesday morning about his depression, I replied at lunchtime, but he didnt reply until after lunch today, titled "mortgage", where he makes a short reference to my email yesterday. I replied asking him what he thought we should do about the remortgage and also asking if he wants food or not tommorow..and again, no reply from him!
So, this is not looking promising. He was replying several times a day before. Now one a day. Despite his best mates W telling me he said he was unsure about his decision, that was 2 1/2 weeks ago now that he said that. Perhaps he has decided to stick with it. I am not getting a good feeling about the lack of contact from him, but at least he is coming over tommorow. Feel a bit stressed to be honest. I had a feeling things were coming to a head...and then he is away skiing, so I wonder what he will say to me? If he had emailed back today, I might not be feeling so nervous, but its hard not to be.
You are right about opening up to me..but I am not the first to know. His best mate knows (and also maybe his Mum, who he saw at the weekend and has a history of depression herself). Also, he saw his best mate, a female, who has a history of depression for years, especially after having children and my BF has supported her in the past. He said to me in the car home on Sunday that he had had a good talk with her last week..I said "really?" as it seemed very pointed..and he said, yes, a very good talk and looked me directly in the eye - I think they must have been discussing depression. At least things are better with her H now.
So I am maybe the last of his close friends to know! That makes me a bit sad..why couldnt he have come to me first? So.. all in all, I am not so sure this evening that I am his special girl. I think the lack of emails is worrying..but then, he could be feeling very foolish right now...I tried to tell him I thought he was depressed and he was adamant that he wasnt, he just DLYA and then he goes and admits he is been for years "as you know Al".. so it must be hard to face me perhaps?
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Ali, I'm sure it was very hard for him to come and tell you. Whether you were the first to know or the last to know, he came and told you and that's great seeing not long ago there was NC. He's probably got alot on his mind right now and the depression doesn't help in the least, believe me. I'd think if he didn't care anymore, he'd cut off all ties (mortgage, post, etc) and wouldn't think twice.
After what he has learned, and what he has revealed in the past few days I would have been surprised if he didn't pull back! He has expended a lot of emotional energy. Be there for him, but don't pressure him right now. He has to come to terms to thing for himself right now. It's not about you, Ali!
Hey Jeff.. I know, this is a massive deal for him. I've known he had a melancholy side since I met him 12 years ago. Hes never been as bad as now though, or the past year, so it had got to the point that he should have been getting help sooner. I cant believe he just tried to block it al out and even finished with me to avoid looking at what was really bothering him. But I guess it takes guts (or hitting rock bottom) to really face your demons. And I am worried about that as I know some things that noone else does and I havent mentioned here and that he cant even talk to me about (although we have in the past). I do wonder if he can ever really resolve that stuff and whether it will mean it wont be possible for us to get back together. Seeing as he said he is going for counselling, I wondered if it is partly to do with that, or just the fact that he has been unhappy for years. Anyway, time will tell on that one I think.
That reminds me, I was lying awake this morning wondering what all this means for what we had had before...if he has been depressed for years, what has been the extent of his love for me, or was it all part of the neediness and unhappiness and avoidance stuff? Can you be in love and depressed at the same time? And now he is facing it, I am assuming that we would really have to start again, afresh. And no, it isnt about me or me and him, its all got to be about him for now!
Hmm. I am so worried about him, but I am glad hes going skiing after all (although worried he might break something!) and he will be getting counselling, AT LAST !!! I just reread the email he sent today..doesnt sound like he has any plans to sell our jiont home and he uses the word "we" which is a small thing, but he had been careful not to use it in months...
"These deals are essentiall total rubbish so it may be either to stay as we are (current repayments are �x) or got to the x% rate but it would take 14 months before we'd paid back the admin fee."
You see?? No plans to sell !! He sees it as "we" wouldnt break even on the second deal until we'd rented (presumably) for another 14 months.
I think thats a baby step?? (although he's already practically ran a 100m sprint by fessing up to me that he has depression!). As ever, we'll just have to see what tommorow brings.
Ali
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Ali, please don't go there with your mind like that. Don't wonder if his love was true. It all was. It's not right for these MLCers right now but the past is what was right. I thought the same thing before and questioned everything for the past 13 years. Please don't do that to yourself.
Nice feedback from BF on your email. Glad to hear that because I know you were concerned that you had said too much.