Trying to be patient

[karen43]

Rehearsal last night ran long. H was asleep so I haven't seen him since Sunday. I had dreams about H all night long. In half of them H was loving and sweet to me, which he probably really hasn't been in over a year.

Then I also had several nightmares about him taunting me about OW. I guess my dreams show how mixed-up I feel lately--I am really hoping H will be unhappy with OW and miss his family and return home after he moves out Sat. but then part of me realizes he may not ever return home, and I do realize that may be for the best anyway...Karen

[Yoyowife]

Karen,
I too have had those types of dreams about H and OW.

Right now I think you are doing the right thing by going dark on him. We all know that no matter how much talking we do to them to try convince them to come home, they won't do it unless they want to. Sure we all backslide from time to time. Just continue taking care of yourself and the kids. Let him see that you are strong and doing a fine job without him. You'll eventually find out that "hey, I can do this by myself". He may come home, he may not, but you know you will be okay. I do think the sooner we get strong, the better. I haven't always done a good job of this, but I do think it is the key to them seeing the LBS in a favorable way. It's not only for them, but for yourself as well.

I have seen so much growth in you lately. Keep the great PMA and GAL.

[karen43]

Thanks, Yoyo! I have a question and this is for anyone who cares to answer: When H moves out Saturday do you think I should help him move out or not? I know that sounds crazy but I read one of the success stories on the boards here where the guy did help his wife move out and they did reconcile eventually. I will be at rehearsal in the morning until about 12:30 so H will probably be almost done by the time I get home. If he isn't done packing, should I help him out any? If not, what am I supposed to do when H moves out? (I want to be home b/c of the kids.) Never had to go through this before and I want to be sure to follow proper DB procedure! Karen

[saffie]

Do whatever feels most comfortable to you.

[Yoyowife]

I agree with Saffie, do what you are comfortable with.

Personally, I would be afraid that I would show too much emotion in my face, but that may not be a problem for you. If this is your case also, you have a good excuse of not being there because of your rehearsals.

If you think you can hold it together, then just nonchalantly say "Let me carry some of your things out to your car for you." Think of it as moving a friend out of their house.

Again, it is a very personal decision that does not have a "one size fits all" answer.

[Dr LOve]

I agree with Saffie, do what you are comfortable with.

Personally, I would be afraid that I would show too much emotion in my face, but that may not be a problem for you.

This is a fine line. I would maybe "ask" nicely if he needs help. It can be taken as being "thrown out" if not handled right. It you don't help if can be taken as "she does not care"

Ya are going to have to play it by ear.

Sorry was not more help
Husband

[Sara]

I think no matter what you do you will be criticized for it. Help him move? You kicked him out. Took the kids and did something? cold and uncaring. Stood and watched? Bitch. You can't win.

[karen43]

I think no matter what you do you will be criticized for it. Help him move? You kicked him out. Took the kids and did something? cold and uncaring. Stood and watched? Bitch. You can't win.

I think you're probably right, but then the "can't win" thing has been going on the last couple months in my marriage I think anyway! I will have to be gone I think for much of his moving in the morning, then I thought when I got back I might do a combo of taking the kids for donuts but asking if H wanted any, and then when I got back if he had anything left to do I would help out. I will take Husband's suggestion to ask if he needs help so it won't look like I am kicking him out, but I think H knows pretty well none of us wants this in our family but him!!! Karen

[LL44]

I remember one dream I had where H followed me around all day, laughing and pointing at me. It was horrible.

Sigh. Helping him move out. I actually chose to keep the kids busy when he packed his stuff up, so they weren't too affected by it. I think your balance of taking the kids out and then offering any assistance when you return is good. Think of things he might not think of (cell phone charger, Advil, stuff like that) and tuck it in without a word.

Bottom line for me is: I wish H would be happy with me, but if that's not possible, I am going to support what makes him happy because I love him. Obviously I won't dress him to go out with OW, but you know what I mean.

Saturday will be hard, I'll be thinking of you.

Yoyo is right, stay neutral, don't say things like "I'll miss you". If you need to say something say "Have a good night" and stay neutral.

[theoden]

Karen,

What a tough time.

I can tell you what you shouldn't do.

1. Tell him you miss him.
2. Tell him you want him home.
3. Try to change his mind.
4. Get hysterical.
5. Cry.

Helping him move? To be there or not?

I think he needs to feel the emotional weight of leaving the family, including your kids.

Plan something for you and the kids right after he leaves.

Theoden