NC, Okay, I'm going to play devil's advocate here this time. I know you love your sons very much and want to see them all the time, but... How about having a weekend to yourself every once in a while? I think it would be good for your GALing. I guess I would look at it like this way...If you have them every weekend, it's like she has a built in baby-sitter to do whatever she wants with the OM. What if you meet someone down the line, wouldn't you like to be able to go on an "adult" dinner date sometimes? I know it's hard to even think about these kind of things now because you want your family to be together so badly. There will come a time when you want to do something with your friends on the weekends.
I hope this doesn't come off as sounding callous and selfish. Children are such a blessing, but sometimes we do need "me" time. You have proven over and over again what a wonderful parent you are.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
The more my W acts this way the more shocked I am when I compare her to herself at an earlier point in our lives.
Karen,
That's a good way to put it. Somehow my W is able to "compartmentalize" the discomfort I may cause to our S's by anything I may say, do or need from the discomfort she causes in their lives. I don't get her anymore.
Yoyo,
Yes, you are absolutely right. I did recognize that having an occasional weekend free for myself would not be bad at all, and that I will indeed need it some day. Some day. And no, in no way are your words callous or selfish. I fully recognize that our children do not need us to neglect ourselves and our needs all the time. They need us to take care of ourselves, for their own sakes if not our own.
It's just that when W wants to take away time from me and my S's without giving back, to balance the scales again for their sake, I am astonished at how callous she has become. Right now they are still quite very young, and they need both of us to be good parents and good models for them. But some day they will be all grown, much sooner than we'll be ready for. There'll be plenty of time later to focus more fully on myself. Right now is a critical, formative time in their lives.
That's why I am going to push back and stand firm for my original goal of 50-50 custody, this time with 7 days on, 7 days off. I am not going to play these games with W anymore.
This still won't be easy, by any stretch, but it should bring things more back into balance for all of us.
I pray she hasn't 'altered' the prayer in any way. That is truly frightening (the depths). I pray it was an innocent pause on your son's part.
I love that your W says "See!?? This is why we can't live together, we can't communicate!" when she is one of the worst communicators I have ever 'met'. UGH
Stand strong with your 50/50, no code. Only fair. I think in your position, a set in stone agreement will be a good tool to keep things peaceful with you and W at the moment.
I read a devotional this morning that suggests we bring our burdens to God like we would as children, who are not bashful about asking for what they need. It said to listen as a child of God through faith in Jesus Christ and to turn these problems and concerns over to Christ, knowing that "He loves you and is able to help you."
It got me to thinking. What would I most want to ask of God? What thing in my life would I need most for my Lord to take from me and to fix? If I could choose any one thing, above everything else, what would it be that I would want God to take care of?
Would I ask God to repair my marriage? Is that the most important thing to me, or what I need the most? Actually, no -- though that would seem the most logical, that is not the most important thing to me right now.
The most important thing to me right now is my W's soul. The thing I would want the most is for my W to return to God, to find her conscious and to repent of her sins -- even if she still does not want our M, I would rather have her faith and steadfastness in Jesus be restored, for the sake of my S's. My S's deserve the mother she promised to be, the God-fearing, honest and giving soul she once possessed. Even if I can't have her, I want God to have her again.
I think that is what haunts me the most about her betrayal, this avoidance and twisting of her faith.
It's funny when we really think about what we really want. I looked back on my posts yesterday and I found one that was a day I think I hit rock bottom. I went to church and I prayed. Now this is a big thing for me. I am not a church going kind of guy. but...When I got there and started praying. I too did not ask god to "fix my marriage" I prayed for my W to find happyness, I prayed for the OM. ( yes that is right) I prayed for him to find god and to find out what had lead him astray. I prayed for the OM family to save them from the pain I was feeling. I guess when you are standing infront of your "father" you can't lie. you have to tell him what you really want. what would make you happy. Hang in there buddy.
Dr Love
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I had an email conversation with S3's preschool teacher. I wrote her to thank her and the other teachers for being there and helping S3 to grow and mature so much in the last six months. I expressed my regrets that S3 would no longer be in their care (W is pulling our S out of this Church-led two-day per week preschool and putting him into full-time preschool) and that he would miss her and his new friends there.
S3's teacher wrote me back to say that S3 would be truly missed by all, and offered to give our family's name to the church's prayer group, to pray for us as a family. This was a little bit of a surprise. I wrote her back and thanked her.
I have learned that my W has been talking to S3's teachers. I gather that W has been failing to practice proper discretion -- the same discretion W expects of me -- when talking to others, including the teachers and other caregivers for our two S's. I am gathering the impression that W is giving these people the impression that the "difficulties" between us are of my making. In fact, I suspect W is allowing others, including people very important to teaching and nurturing our S's, to conclude that it is I who is breaking this family up, and even that I am the one who is being unfaithful.
My natural instinct is to confront W about this. But I don't know that it would change anything. In W's current state of mind, she really thinks of herself as the victim. She truly is lost.
God taps you on the shoulder sometimes. Actually, He taps us on the shoulder a lot. We just tend to be too stubborn to hear Him. It's only through tragedy and sorrow that we start to actually listen. As they say, wisdom only comes through sorrow, not happiness.
I am very happy for your graduation to Piecing. You're a great person and you deserve to be able to work this out with your W.
" In fact, I suspect W is allowing others, including people very important to teaching and nurturing our S's, to conclude that it is I who is breaking this family up, and even that I am the one who is being unfaithful."
Ya know My fisrt W ws the same way, but I didnot take the time to explain anything to anybody I had nothing to hide. (my fisrt W became addicted to cocaine, I had no idia.) she left me with a 3 mo old and a 3 y old D's. in the end the truth comes out. I NEVER spoke bad about her to my D's I just told them that she had "problems". now at 25 and 22 they want nothing to do with my X. they know what I went thruogh without me saying a word..
I really need to go to bed talk to ya later
DrLove
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I have my calendar app set up to automatically send me periodic updates on my (forced) celibacy, at each 100 day milestone.
Saturday I got the email with the subject line "300 Days" with no text in the body. I forwarded this to W, mostly out of habit. The previous ones yielded no positive responses.
This morning, four days later, W responded with the following:
"Do you have some point you are trying to make or are you just harassing me?"
I have a mind to ignore this entirely; the other part of me wants to ask her, "On what grounds would you consider this 'harassment'?" (Another part of me wants to say, "It merely represents how long I have been missing you.")
