I'm almost free!

[Lissie]

I still have a hard time that I will find someone who really loves me, who will treat me well, who will appreciate me, who will stay with me.

(((((((((((((nic)))))))))

Always 14 and I were just talking about this yesterday.

We are moving on, and we are good, and we are doing it.

We survived this damn divorce and the heartache, and the spew.

We survived founding out about the OW.

And then, we think about an R. And it kind of stops us in our tracks. Even tho, we know now, that we are so better equipped to be in one.

It is just that fear. Ick.

I think tho, and i know you hate to hear it. Time heals all things. We will be able to trust fully again, we will find someone who is worthy of us.

When?

It is all in God's hands.

So you are never alone sweetie, even tho it feels like it at times.

Luv ya

hope the snow stops soon.

[amd]

(((Nicola)))

I don't know why this was in the plan, but things happen as they are meant to happen. I hate to bring up the P-word, but I will: PATIENCE.

Your X will get his in the long run. I feel it in my bones.

As for the Work Guy: What's to keep a hottie like you from asking HIM out?

Be well, friend.

[whitelight]

"I still have a hard time that I will find someone who really loves me, who will treat me well, who will appreciate me, who will stay with me."


You will. You absolutely will. I promise. Seriousely. No doubt. It will happen.

I feel you on the -you shouldn't need someone...you don't!!! But, you are human. And humans are a social species. We need each other and the companionship. If I were you I would join eharmony, just to enjoy meeting new people and to practise going on dates for when the special one comes along!

[almosthopeful]

(((nic))),

Oh honey this is just a long process, and we are still on the rollercoaster, even after D...

I am still angry that he gets off essentially scot free, and I am the one left to take care of the kids - emotionally and physically -

I'm not so sure they are getting off scot free. Definitely not in my case. I can hear a tone in XH's voice when he leaves a phone message for S15...it is almost plaintive. And when I see him hug S15 goodby after a visit...I am very sure that he is getting off as free and easy and he might tell himself.

I am feeling blue at least partly b/c I am lonely.

I don't NEED just anyone - if I did, I could find a guy today. But I do WANT someone special.

Yup, yup, and yup. Me too, and the only way I know how to go about finding someone special is NOT to make looking for him my top priority. That never worked for me in the past. Seems to me althea posted something about needing to try out a lot of new guys, just for fun and company, and let it happen when it happens.

I think you should ask work guy out, what the hey, its 2008!

Hugs and more hugs,
AH

[faithisbelieving]

Someone posted on Althea's thread that there should be a forum for "Dickishness" - I should have posted there!!!

Nic..how 'bout a category called "Hurt little boy/girl in a man/woman's body'.

Nic...lift up your heart. I know this board is for saving a marriage. We all started out that way. But there CAN be a time where the damage is so great...the trust so destroyed...that an M CANNOT continue without making life miserable for the both of you. It takes HERCULEAN efforts on the part of the 'transgressor' to win back that trust....a character flaw in most of the WAW's/MLC'ers IMO. It will take time but you WILL be happy again. You are going to be OK. You will be loved again.

In John Gray's book, Mars and Venus Starting Over, he talks about detachment which is a tad different. He talks about when we connect with our S's, we become attached to THEIR love and, when we go thru this, we think we cannot survive without THEIR love specifically and that no one else will love us. His point is that we must undo that attachment..to THEIR LOVE...and realize that we can find someone ELSE's love...when we are ready. You'll do it.

As for being lonely, that is normal and expected. My only warning to you is that, although I think it's a good idea after this is done...to go out and 'have dinner' etc with others, I would caution you about 'falling in love' too quickly. Start to feel comfy with yourself. Remember...happiness comes from within and if you feel the need to 'rush out and find someone new', you may be condemning yourself to repeating the same mistake. Our radar beams subconsciously look to find the same 'problem'. Stay strong.

Sometimes...the real blame that we should level on ourself is that we just 'picked the wrong one'...we saw signs...they were a loaded gun with a trick hammer, waiting to go off...and we bought the weapon anyway. We should just learn not to repeat the same mistake...and not hold resentment and guilt.

As for 'leaving the kids with you'....I would find that a blessing. Yeah..lots of work. Sadly, now, if my W would 'leave me the kids', it would be the greatest gift in the world.

Frank_d said some very plain and basic words to me which I still hold onto:
-just be, and....


Nic, you'll be OK.
Hugs..love..you know the deal.
FIB

[MotherMovingOn]

Dear Nic,

FIB had a very good point and that is not to go looking for "the one." Seriously. In my limited experience as a post divorce woman dating, I have learned a lot about myself. First of all, I was inadvertently looking for a marriage look-a-like relationship. It's what I knew, what I was comfortable with. My gf said "Althea, it's okay to go out with more than one guy because you're 'dating.'" And then of course her brilliant lady bird analogy. We are the lady birds. The men need to fluff their feathers for us and impress us. It's good and okay to "date" and not get into a serious relationship. When you go on a date approach it with the mindset that you are seeing if he is good enough for you, not the other way around--very important distinction.

I think breaking the ice and going out with some different fellas really helps to change your thinking from "I'm looking for a marriage" to "I'm looking for a date." That's why I think it;s probably not good to limit yourself to one guy at first. It's not slutty or trampy to go on dates--that's a terrible stereotype that's been put on women who want to shop around a little. Men do it without repercussions, women should be able to do it as well.

Don't let going on a date or for that matter dates, scare you--look at it as a fun time and that's all. Try not to size him up as potential husband material right off the bat but rather just look at the experience as a data gathering experience. YOu will learn so much about what you do like, don't like, can stand, can't stand, etc.

I have decided that I am worth being courted and until the man who sees fit to do that for me comes along, I will continue to shop around. If a guy cannot court me and do all the mating ritual things that couples first do in a dating situation, then they are not going to keep up the level of romance I need in a relationship. I have also decided that it's okay for me to want and need that. I am not "needy" but I doknow what makes me feel loved and desired. And if they don't do it, I don't fret about it, I just realize that it's best I find out early on and move along.

The internet dating thing is good I think. It provided a good resource for shopping around and at least provides a venue for breaking the ice.

Gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find "Mr. Right" and you might as well have fun while you're doing it. We're in our 40's. We're big girls now and we can define our romantic life any way we want. I know that eventually you want to find Mr Wonderful, marriage material man, but it will take time and so for now, try to change your thinking about what it means to date.

Go for it girl--don't be afraid.

Love,
Althea

[fig]

You are so right!!!!

It's Ok to take our time

to try them on

to say we aren't getting married tomorrow

[princess_nic]

Hey you guys! Thanks so much for the thoughtful and caring responses.

I will try to address everyone's comments, rather than one at a time. First, meeting men. I've tried eharmony, which totally didn't work for me b/c it seems that there is NO ONE on it (who is compatible anyway) closer than five hours away! I tried a more local site also, but found the quality of men was just not great. Plus, you can't tell, obviously, if there's chemistry or not. And there hasn't been!

Other than that, I actually have no problem meeting men. I don't mean that in a "I'm so hot" way, but hell...I am! lol! Seriously, though, I am friendly and outgoing, approachable, and I will talk to anyone. I get chatted up in cafes, bookstores, the movies - not an issue. I also live in a city that's very open to love and romance. There is lots of flirting here; it's just that kind of place.

All that said, I've met enough men to know what I'm looking for, and I'm certainly a lot more discerning than I was when I was in my 20s. I'm not a date-a-lot type of girl, and not b/c I think it's slutty or anything, it's just not my thing. I'd rather be out w/ friends or at home w/ a movie than out w/ a guy I don't really like. I think was all have ways of approaching this that are comfortable and for me, I just want one special guy.

Okay, so then, what about Work Guy? Here is the sitch. We work at the same college, but in different departments, and our offices are now not near each other at all (used to be close till I was moved). This semester, our schedules are such that we see each other for maybe 15 mins twice a week, and there are always other people around - not exactly conducive to romance!

I did actually invite him to the ballet in the fall, and he said yes, but then had to cancel due to problems with his ex. He did not elaborate and I didn't ask. He told me that would really like to go out, but the timing was bad and he wanted to be friends. This was end Oct/beginning Nov. Since then, we've had some nice long chats; we've both shared quite a bit about ourselves; we get along really well; he has all the qualities that I am looking for. On my part, there's major chemistry, too, and I think for him, but I'm not sure. I don't really know how to tell. He doesn't touch me, but he also seems kind of shy around me, so I'm not taking that as a sign. There are, in fact, lots of baby steps(!) that I think show that he is interested.

I do know that his D was final over Christmas, and he was relieved about that. He's asked me a couple of times recently when I think mine will be done.

The problem is that I don't know if he still just wants to be friends. I have had indications that he does want more - but I could be misreading them (God knows I did that with stbx). I also don't know if I've made it clear that I want more. Maybe he figures I'm happy with the status quo. I have started doing some casual touching, but it's not always easy to do naturally. I have to say, though, that I'm getting pretty tired of wondering what's going on, so maybe I should ask him out again. I'm just scared of looking stupid if he says no!

That's all for now, but I am open to more comments.

N

[MotherMovingOn]

I love how you know who and what you want.

Okay then, it's clear what we need to do...

Operation "get the guy."

How is it to be done?

He already said yes to a date and has been sending signals and I wouild say ask him out, but men do like to pursue. Hmmm...Any ideas out there for our gorgeous Nicola?

Let's get some ideas brewing here--a bb full of creative minds has got to come in handy right?

Love,
A

[princess_nic]

I love your solution focus, Althea! All this work we've done has got to come in handy right? I think I need to be more flirty and see how that goes - try something different right? But I'm open to more ideas!