No. I think there are unforseen circumstances that can lead to her wanting to try again with you. Maybe, as before, she'll come back around. You want to be in a position where she thinks, "wow, Kin really has got her act together". There is a difference between needing someone and wanting someone....try to get more in the mindset that you don't actually need her to be happy...you'd just prefer her to share your life.
If your partner has problems with her sexuality, then these are things you can't really control no matter what you do. But if she's not even sure that she shares your sexual orientation, I don't know if she would be the greatest choice for you. She's got to get her own head around this...she can't be otherwise convinced. While she may not be accepting of her sexuality, might you also not be accepting of her confusion about her sexuality? What may be black and white to you may be much more gray to her.
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I've been advised on here before not to date anyone else yet. You think I should huh?
How do you feel about your life? Are you happy with it? Do you still enjoy things? I know single life can be boring, but it also offers opportunities that aren't available to couples. If you feel like you don't actually need anyone in it to stave off boredom, etc, then I think you are in the right place to date. If it's only to get through the lonely times while you wait for your partner to come back, then it really isn't fair to anyone else you might date. If you think you can be open to the possibility of a relationship with someone else, and leave your past behind you, then date. Personally, I think that sometimes we can't really see our partner without the rose colored glasses until we've allowed ourselves to look around at what other people have to offer.
What's your partner doing now? Is she dating women, men, or no one? Is she in another relationship?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks to both of you. Hey Nik - good to hear from you. Ok - I admit, my life seems somewhat "on hold" at the moment. I want this to work out so badly. We had so many plans together. It's hard to completely let go. You're right - I'm not ready to let her go enough to move on to someone new.
During one of our recent breakups, she said, "After some of these negative feelings heal up, I may call you. It may be a week, a month, a year." I said, "A year? I'll be living with someone else by then!" She said, "If you'd be living with someone else by then you must not really be in love with me."
What do you make of that?
Also, what exactly do you mean by "give up on the old R". I think I have. I realize that IF she were to call, we'd start absolutely new. I am happy, doing things with friends & family, finishing up my graduate degree, contemplating my life, trying to lose weight (it ain't easy) etc. What more can I do?
Just Me - Thanks for your expert advice. I really appreciate it.
You say she may think I've got my act together but we have NO contact. Don't live in the same area or have mutual friends even. She would have to pick up the phone and take the first step if anything will ever happen.
I think I've come a long way lately toward thinking that I don't need her to be happy, just prefer her. Which is true. I'm happy alone. I could be happy with someone else. I just don't want to start over and we really did have amazing chemistry. And I'm still in love with her. I have a feeling she's still in love with me too and is pushing the feeling away because of the religious stuff and the fact that we argued more than she's comfortable with. (My shrink says the religious stuff is just an excuse, that when a person wants to be with someone, there will be no excuses.)
I've never mentioned this before but she is depressed & anxious by nature and takes meds for that. She was abused as a child. She has issues that she hasn't dealt with. I still love her.
Yes, I know I can't control the sexuality vs. religion issues. That's something that her background is controlling. You're right, I'm not accepting of her confusion because of what I said above (what shrink said). Also, she lived with her ex-GF for 12 years. Where was the religious stuff then?
Yes, I am happy with life when I'm not thinking about her. I am blessed - good job (not entirely happy with it but it's OK), great salary, nice home, good friends, good church, great health, etc. Yes, I am bored. Not literally because I have a thousand things to do at home. But bored in that I used to go shopping, to movies, to dinner, play tennis, watch TV, eat, etc. with the person I love and make love with and now I don't. Do ya'll understand that? So, yes, I would like to have someone to do all those things with. Yes, if I found someone I liked, I realize my feelings for her would dissipate. My shrink says the best way to get over her is to find a replacement. So your last sentence is in line with that (rose colored glasses).
I have no contact with her or any of her friends or co-workers. So I can't say that I know anything of what she's up to. The last thing I did (6 weeks ago) was drive by her house when I knew she was out of town and she had a "For Sale by Owner" sign in the front yard. Which upset me. I loved that house and even thought of buying it myself if she ever sold it. I don't even know if she's still living there. I feel pretty certain that she's dating no one. She's made it pretty clear (although she is never sure of herself for long) that she is dating NO more women because God doesn't want it! She really doesn't care for men at all. She's entertained that idea in the past 2 or 3 years and she said it was not at all comparable to being with a woman.
Thanks to you all. This is so helpful to be able to vent, write, etc. Good luck to you all. I know you all have problems of your own. God bless you & Happy Easter!
Let me share a little story with you. There was a time I was hung up on my first wife...and in all honesty, it was "hung up". I expressed, at least to myself, what you have about your gf. But she has issues, and looking back now, I realize what I wanted was my kids (and I still would like my kids all the time) and I wanted the dream of a good relationship. But it was only that, a dream of what might have been, much like you had plans with your gf. Now remarried, I realize these things. It actually took having my current wife to see this. I wonder if having a relationship with someone that doesn't only share your dream, but also embraces their sexual orientation wouldn't be helpful to you. It's not as though your leaping into anything. These issues with your gf are her cross to bear. This could be it for her...no more women ever. If she should ever embrace her sexuality, then she can give you a call....maybe you'll be available (hopefully if it's like 2 years you won't be) and willing to trust her again.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Do you think it's wrong to want to know how she's doing, etc.? I wish I had some connection to at least find out if she's sold the house but the circumstances are that I don't.
I'm feeling pretty good this weekend (Easter & my birthday). NikB suggested a month or so ago that I set a deadline for "hanging on" to hope and I set it at May 20 (it was 3 months from the day she suggested it which must have been Feb. 20) but I think I'm about ready to let it go now. I'm exhausted from thinking positively, hoping, praying, etc.
I decided to drive by her house - she's at work and I'm off work - to see if she was still living there or not. Well - I still don't know. The "For Sale" sign is gone. But the yard looked messy. She's an obsessive gardener. She would have had the grass mowed and the landscaping looking nice. It didn't. But - the porch furniture was still there which she made so I really don't think she would have left it. Her old truck was also gone. So I got mixed information. Shades in the front appeared to be different but maybe she went out and bought new ones.
For now, I'm trying to think positively. The sign was gone, the porch furniture was still there and the shades were all adjusted like she would have adjusted them before she went to work.
Those are the only clues I could find. I couldn't see inside the house without driving up which I didn't want to do.
I'm doing good. I just knew she was at work and I really love that house and just wanted to drive over (a beautiful day) plus I was hoping for a clear "yes, still there" or "no, moved".
A little stalkesque. I know that you just want to know what's going on, but what would you think if an ex-girlfriend was driving by your place after you broke up with them? You are way to wrapped up in her. Sorry to be so blunt. Why don't you get out some and see what else is out there? Know anyone else that may be available?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I know it appears inappropriate. The truth is, if an ex drove by my house once every month or two, I wouldn't mind. Actually, I wouldn't even notice it.
Yes, I know I am too wrapped up in her. And no, no one else. Where I live, beautiful, intelligent, professional gay women are VERY hard to come by (one reason I've been hanging on). I will try.
I am especially anxious to try as I have had it with her. She didn't even call or send a card for my birthday and I consider that very mean. I had her a VERY nice bd in October. So, I think the time has come....
I think it's a reasonable guage of where she's at. I wouldn't get upset about it, anymore than old girlfriends of yours should be upset that they didn't get a birthday card from you this year.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
