My story, please help

[saffie]

Sorry Gavin, I thought she was going from no pill to the pill.

sometimes they don't admit they are having an A because they think it will be easier all round if the LBS doesn't have that rubbed in their face. Who knows what goes on in their minds

[GavinO]

This BB is a great source of support, just read some of the successful men ones and there does seem to be the following theme:

Wife has everything she wants.

Wife decides she doesn't want it and starts to chuck it all in and is absolutely adamant.

Husband wonders WTF??

Husband does all of the don'ts (crying, begging, pressure, jumping up and down)

Wife feels supremely justified in ruining everything

Husband nails the forums and starts DBing

Husband makes genuine deep lasting changes

Wife ignores all and is still set (but still notices changes)

Husbands changes are maintained, Husband does not give up.

Wife gets a bit worse.

Husband maintains changes and does not give up.

Wife continues but seems to slow a bit.

Husband maintains changes and does not give up.

Wife falters a bit.

Husband maintains changes and does not give up.

Wife starts to wonder what she is doing.

Wife sees a bit of reason.

Wife comes back.

Husband gets wife back.

Stronger marriage.

lol.

I really doubt that W is having an affair, I believe that she is looking for a new man as such (WTF you have a husband here!!!).

I think that it is a combination of the relationship problems from the last year plus the 'lure' of the single life plus deadbeat friends plus drugs and booze. I am hoping she is having a bit of a nuts time and will come out of it soon.

It is just so not like her at all.

I suppose I just have to keep going and hope she comes to her senses.

She likes lots of attention but she will not let me do any of that at all at the moment, the only time I touched her in the last month was when she asked me to look at her head.

I have done 180's such as stopping chasing, I also do all of the housework and most of the washing, I have also gone out quite a few times.

This is nuts and really, really hard.

Thanks for listening

[GavinO]

So far it has been 7 weeks of steadily getting worse. In the beginning it seemed she was in 2 minds or at least not 100% dedicated, then it went downhill, though it appears that she is slacking off a bit.

She still seems to be off the rails a bit with the smoking loads and spending time with the deadbeats. It looks like low self esteem stuff or something.

She moved some stuff out about 2 weeks ago, small things like her books and some teddies and a dinner set and she has packed a box but not got much in it. Nothing else has been moved.

Her bedroom door is open more so, sometimes half way and sometimes just ajar.

The marriage certificate is still in the study and the estate agents (real estate) details have not gone back to them to put the house on the market, finally I have not heard anything from the solicitors about the divorce papers.

I have done some 180's and GAL, but I belive the issue was that she felt neglected and rejected by me so i am not sure that going out so much is good so may reel that back in a bit to make sure I am there a bit more and talk to her when the oppertunity arises (not R stuff). I also want to put my wedding ring back on.

I do love my wife more than anything and want us to forge a new and stronger relationship, its just waiting for her to stop and realise that it is not so bad and that we can move forward together.

Speaking with my little sister she believes that everything will turn out alright as my W has always been adamant that she loves me loads. Little sis also thinks that it will still be a bit hard for a few more weeks.

I believe that there are some positives but I am unsure how to move forward if at all possible. If anyone has any suggestions they would be greatfully recieved, especially if they are from a WAW.

Thanks all

[GavinO]

Any suggestions guys?

[germ04]

I think you will have to really address some substance abuse issues. It's proven that she is an abuser of drugs. How is your relationship to her parents? Can you talk to them? I think she really needs help.

That being said, put the wedding band back on. Be proud of your faithfulness to her. Don't jeopardize it because of a possible moment of resentment/weakness.

[GavinO]

Hi all,

W came back from work yesterday, left the car running and stomped in to get her phone charger. She told me that my parents had been speaking to her parents and was angry with that, she said she was staying at her sisters overnight, she then left and reversed out without looking back at me.

About half hour later she phoned me and told me that she had spoken with her mum and sai her parents did not want any contact. Her parents are absolutely devestated and cannot cope with what is going on, they have even booked a holiday to get away.

She got her sister to leave a message on my dad's phone asking them nicely to leave their parents and that my W and I should be able to sort it out whichever way it goes.

I said to my wife that she is not the person I married and that the person I married was in there somewhere, what is going on, she had changed over the last 6 weeks. She said that she was happy (drugs, drinking, deadbeats and limited future?!?!) she called me a d!ck and asked if I remember the other Sunday (where she gave loads of reasons most are poor really though obviousley not to her). She said that she did not love me and did not want to be with me anymore, that we are getting a divorce and I shoudl accept it and that w can go our seperat ways and she will never hav to see me again. I said why is it so sudden and she said it wasn't for her.

WTF!! there has been no give at all and no change in what she wants (divorce) she will not do anything at all for the marriage or relationship and does not want to. She seems to have gone through all of the emotional stuff and is now 'cool and calculated'

A bad year relationship wise plus others outside pressures and she is going for the jugular mercilessly.

We have been together for a long time and had fantastic times but there is no give at all and doesnt look like there will be any give.

It takes 2 to save a marriage and relationship but there is nothing at all from her corner, I have done my changes and can only focus on me. Its really sad that my W seems to have turned inside out and upside down and doesn't care about anything at all.

I have put my wedding ring back on as I am committed and want to heal our relationship.

I will have to start speaking with her about the divorce stuff and what she wants from the house etc, will also have to adjust the household bills as I pay over twice what she does but 50% is over 1k and she can't afford that.

It looks really bad and hopeless I don't want to give up but what can I do against such a wall?

[WeldingGuy]

I have put my wedding ring back on as I am committed and want to heal our relationship.
......
I will have to start speaking with her about the divorce stuff
......
It looks really bad and hopeless I don't want to give up but what can I do against such a wall?

Do what will heal YOU right now. Want to show your commitment, then wear your ring - but only because YOU want to.

Don't want to divorce? Then you don't HAVE to talk to her about it...just put some distance between you for now.

Up against a wall? You can go around, go over, paint it to blend in with your view, or knock it down. But in any case, start by focusing on YOU right now!

Someone herre has a tag line in theirr sig "Be the greener grass" and that has become my mantra. It might be that you are cultivating a fantstic yard for your NEXT relationship, but whatever you do....get your own lawn in order.

You can't "fix" her. Only you.

(Suddenly having a flashback to the old Kung Fu series..."When you can snatch the pebble from my hand, it is time for you to leave" LOL)

[GavinO]

Hi Weldingguy,

I am working on me and I have come a long way over the last month or so.

I am and what she already has is the greener grass (no really), she doesn't see that. She wants to give it all up for nothing, certainly far less than she has at the moment. Single instead of married with a committed and loving husband, tiny flat/houseshare or at parents instead of the fantastic house we have, 40k drop in income (combined), deadbeat young single 'friends' instead of the friends we have both had for many years.

She was always really pleased at how well she and us had done, we have done really well for our ages. She has turned into the complete opposite of who she is, what she wants and what she stands for!

It was only just over a month ago that I last saw the 'real wife' and about the same time that she last said she loved me.

I know 7 weeks is a short time but there has been no shift at all, no movement and no deviation, even the small positives are only really small things. There has been absolutely nothing.

She is staying at her parents next week as they are away, I could do with the break anyway and I hope she sorts herself out, I don't want the person she is at the moment, i want my loving kind wife back

[WeldingGuy]

<snip>
I am and what she already has is the greener grass (no really), she doesn't see that. She wants to give it all up for nothing, certainly far less than she has at the moment.

...i want my loving kind wife back

We all do, my friend. And they will all look like they want to give it up for seemingly nothing. Today is 5 months for me. I've made changes, etc.

All I know is this - you can't PULL her into being your old wife. All you will do is tire yourself to the point of physical and emotional exhaustion. Just stop trying. (I know - easy for me to say, right?)

But it isn't working, and will actually drive her away, and you will be a tired emotional mess - not something that ANYONE will want to get with....her or the potential next Mrs GavinO.

I'm still not even to the piecing stage, but sneaking up on it - or so it seems for today. Tomorrow could go right back to the old crazy ways...who knows. I'm just focusing on being the new and improved Mr. Welder and and letting her see it and it HAS made a difference...but it had to come from HER...not me. And once that happened, she suddenly started coming to the house for hours (rather than the abbreviated txt msgs)and calling every night. She is still saying at her parents house, but the combination of that drama and my changes (plus some serious changes on HER part) have given me a ray of hope.

But that's all I am allowing for now too.....like I said, there WILL be a snap back LOL.

So sit down, buckle up, shut up and keep your hands inside the ride at all ties...until it comes to a complete and final stop!!!

[GavinO]

update,

W came home yesterday about 10:00pm and we had a cofee and a chat together. We discussed what went wrong (basically down to communication and me being withdrawn, classic example). W has been spending time with some work friends and her sister and seems to have calmed down on the smoking.

While discussing, and I was listening!, what went wrong with the relationship she got a bit tearful. She felt that I ignored her which made her feel unwanted and unatractive (she is gorgeous and I love her) she tried everything and wanted to do things together, but no response from me (typical bloke withdrawal due to pressure and also I was depressed)

She did not like it when I was desperate (early on, a few weeks ago, I have calmed down more now. She wants me to be a better person for my next relationship. I said ok, and we talked a bit more, I asked her if she would help me learn to cook some stuff, she agreed (positive?!?). Then she went up to bed and asked me to bring up a drink, which i did. She let me come into her room and sit at the bottom of the bed while we chatted, it was a nice general chat, we also discussed doing some stuff in the garden over the weekend together (yay). Spend about half hour chatting nicely before she wanted to go to sleep and i left

I know my wife, she does not really want a divorce and to get rid of everything that we have worked for.

This morning we had a brief chat, she said we cant do our garden tomorrow (sat) as we have to help a friend do theirs, she asked if it was ok if she came along as well as it is difficult. I said it was fine for her to be there. W looked a bit unhappy & sad this morning.

I am improving myself in many ways. I love my wife more than anything and I am seeing some positives albeit that they are small.

It is hard but worth it, I have ordered DR which has turned up to my parents, DB will be along in a few weeks. I understand the principals which is to improve yourself so that your spouse sees that and has doubts. I am improving myself for rebuilding a new relationship with my wife, or for my next relationship.....with my wife.

Baby steps, not pushing, being loving, letting her do her thing, I can 'see' that she still loves me but she doen't realise that yet. Time, patience.

Thanks for listening