Whats to say that he is just waiting for the kids to graduate to walk out the door?
That is very possible...beeing a child of parents who were going through their D as I was getting married I can tell you it probably would have been better if they had done it while I was young, it's not like I didn't see it coming anyway.
I have a question for you? Does he suffer from depression? I don't know if it's depression but he does seem to have anxiety issues and has been on meds for it off an on for the past few years.
What does he do when he gets home from work? Does he interacts with the kids when they ask him to play games with them or does he just blows them off?
He gets home, says hello to the dog, then the kids, then sits at the computer checking the weather or sports, takes a shower, eats (sometimes with us) then either goes to bed or to a couch to watch sports or news and falls asleep. The kids don't ask him to play because he just doesn't.
All very good questions. I have struggled with it all, too.
As for the "what if the WAS was right?"... I don't think there's a right or wrong. It's about the willingness of both partners to try to get back what drew them to each other in teh first place, and build a new M from that. Both partners need to want this.
As the LBS, you can't control if your WAS wants to work on the M or not. What you can control is keeping a sense of balance and peace within. That is where the working on yourself thing comes into play. I also think that by giving the WAS some space to think through what they wants helps, too.
IN your case, it sounds like your H is living at home with you, but there's not much there. I've been there, too. And this is when all the above stuff gets really hard.
As for the thing with the kids, I think having kids is an additional motivator for working on a M. I don't think it's a reason to stay M if it's not a good M.
In my case, physical separation was absolutely necessary for my H and I to get back on track. My H had an A with OW and tried to come back many times but didn't "feel" waht he was supposed to for me. So, by being separated, he worked through all that -- and we worked through it. It was very hard. It was filled with ups and downs. But now he is home and has been since June.
I don't agree that a separation will likely lead to D. It can go either way.
You need to do what makes you the healthiest.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
I did not mean to imply with my post that the WAS are right in the way they go about leaving (OW, dropping "bombs" etc). I meant what if they really were right to have left and for whatever reason we just couldn't, haven't, don't want to accept the truth and are holding onto that "promise", "commitment", "vow", "document" and not seeing the truth.
I am not talking about the marriages that hit a rough patch and had a spouse bail out I'm talking about the m that probably shouldn't have happend to begin with.
How do you know the difference between a marriage that just went bad for various circumstances that can be fixed vs. a marriage that SHOULD have ended.
and of course if you do come to the decision that yours was/is a marriage that SHOULD have ended but your WAS suddenly doesn't think so how do you know your not seeing things in the same way they once did and only THINK, FEEL, believe (yes smaller letters) it truley SHOULD have ended.
does anyone have a crystal ball.
How do you know when your an "alien" or just an intelligent, rational, reasonable person who see's things for what they are and knows the m SHOULD be over.
This thread is not inteded to be MINE, I have a thread that is MINE...answer my ponderings or offer up your own. We're all here to try and make sense of the lives we find ourselves dealt.
Wouldn't it be better for the children if both parents were happy living healthy lives even if being seperate from each other is required to do that? LL
Not for the kids. There was a very large 25 years study that followed a large population of divorced kids. The results were that divorce has a hugely negative effect regardless of the reason. I think if there is abuse, drugs, alcohol, etc... one should definitely leave. But "no love." I think that's a flimsy reason.
Originally Posted By: lostlove
How do you know the difference between a marriage that just went bad for various circumstances that can be fixed vs. a marriage that SHOULD have ended. LL
Only each person can make that determination themselves. I don't think there is any real answer for that. Some marriages which seem like they should end last forever and others that seem like they should stay togeter end. I don't think there are any real answers. Each individual is going to approach this different based on character, strength, mental healthy, ability to deal with things, determination, etc...
There are probably a lot of people who shouldn't be married at all... and shouldn't have kids!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
These are really thought-provoking questions. And none can be answered easily. This is teh very reason why being M is so hard and the D rate is so high.
In my experience, it's a matter of working throug the process - our own internal process. Then finally getting to a point where you know what you must do. In my experience, when I have been conflicted with similar questions (and I have, on many occasions), I would sometimes just be so confused that I would tell myself that I don't have the answer right now. Then I would pray to God for guidance. And - again, in my experience - somehow, someway, the answer would come.
So, I think it's just a matter of each of us working through oru own stuff before we can find the answer.
HOWEVER... I did read once in a book about healing a M after an A, that there are three things that determine the success:
1. That the M couple was at one point in time, in love. 2. That the unfaithful spouse is remorseful 3. [this one I have to try to remember]... I think this one was around both partners recognizing what role they each played in the troubles in the M and taking accountability.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Sadly, I SHOULD have been a movie star. But I'm not.....
My life is not perfect. Yeah, it could be better.... I could give everything up and try to acieve that goal. Or, I can just try to enjoy my life the way it is, continue to do things that make me happy in spite of not having what I really should have. And I know for certain I SHOULD have been a movie star. There have been so many choices in my life. And the roads I've taken, maybe they've been mistakes. How can I know which one is best. There are things I have or could have had.... and how much of this should I dwell on? What can I change or what should I change now? Will it make my life any better or worse? Can I ever know where a road taken will lead and if it's going to bring me happiness?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Sadly, I SHOULD have been a movie star. But I'm not.....
My life is not perfect. Yeah, it could be better.... I could give everything up and try to acieve that goal. Or, I can just try to enjoy my life the way it is, continue to do things that make me happy in spite of not having what I really should have. And I know for certain I SHOULD have been a movie star. There have been so many choices in my life. And the roads I've taken, maybe they've been mistakes. How can I know which one is best. There are things I have or could have had.... and how much of this should I dwell on? What can I change or what should I change now? Will it make my life any better or worse? Can I ever know where a road taken will lead and if it's going to bring me happiness?
runningoutoftime,
It could be that you realy believe you should have been a movie star and made some decisions along the way that had you stray from that course...but it seems like your post is patronizing. The thought that one should have had some career or should be in some certain position in life is very different than questioning whether or not a relationship should be.
My question/pondering is not so much the shoulda/coulda/woulda but a serious inquiry into whether or not the marriage we've chosen to stay in realy is a m worth staying in. By questioning whether or not we SHOULD have gotten back together or SHOULD stay together now I'm simply assessing the situation. Would it be better if I just decided I'm not happy and went off to have an a and abondon my family?
Remember when you post to me that I'm NOT the WAS. I'm here trying to avoid becoming a WAS. If I believed I should have been a movie star, comedian, talk show host, singer, athelete, balerina, hip hop dancer, skateborder, olympic swimmer, runner, accountant, bank teller, newspaper delivery person, retail store owner, trash pick up person, police officer, teacher, day care owner, small business owner, writer, painter...and was blaming the issues in my m on that I think there would be posting on another site gearred more toward obtaining the career of your dreams or changing your career later in life etc. The choices that I've made that did not allow me to become whatever it is I may have been supposed to be are not h's fault and I don't place any blame on him for where I am in areas that are not directly effected by my m. I've made the choices. I'm not holding him responsible for my happiness but if I'm not happy in the r with him, my needs are not being met then I don't see what's wrong with questioning if the r should be or not. It's simply wording. What if instead of posing the question as "if the r SHOULD be" I questioned whether or not the r was/is HEALTHY for each parnter"? Same question in my mind but maybe posing it that way will stop people from thinking I'm a dreaming was on some alien ship. I'm living in reality have been for the past 6 years. If I'm an alien then the aliens make a whole lot more sense than the stay married because you got married group.
No, it's not meant to be patronizing. I really don't think there's any clear cut answer to your question and I'm tying to find similar analogies to test it out.
What "should" be is a hypothetical question. The only way I know to get as close as possible to an accurate answer to any question like this is to test it (or live it), and I personally think the amount of variables makes it extremely difficult, if not impossible, to predict the outcome. Also, one generally doesn't want to live their life as a science experiment... so the best I think one can probably do is to consider as many variables as possible and then make a decision based on intuition....keeping in mind that intuition can be faulty....
There is never anything wrong with questioning things like this. I sometimes wonder about the same thing myself. There have been plenty of moments I've wanted (or dreamed!) of being a WAS. I think it's very wise of you to think carefully about this before making any personal decisions.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I think I've realized that though h went about things the wrong way by having his ea he was right to go. Trouble is I don't know how to get him back to that point of honesty again without going to the extreme he did. I'm starting to believe his a was not just a run of the mill a but was more of an exit a he just lost his umph to keep going but not because of me or us but more because of his societal or religious obligation to the "family".
I have to face facts and the facts (for years now not just recently) show that h isn't here even when he is. He's hiding behind alchohol or medication or sleeping or getting busy with projects that keep him away. It's not like he doesn't know how to engage with just me...he doesn't seem to know how to engage the children either...he's closer to the dog than any of us humans here. Sad, but true.
How can I get this across to him without being met with
If you don't like it you leave if you don't like it go see a lawyer and the for sale sign goes up and we disprupt the kids lives well that sucks silence
as always
UGH!
I did join a gym today and am working on getting into grad school so I'm already doing some real GAL things just wish they'd make a difference with h but I know they wont.
Your husband sounds depressed to me. You shouldn't take his depression personally.
I hate to be blunt, but does your husband contribute finanically to the household? does this help allow you to be a good mom and take care of things? How would this change if you were divorced? Wouldn't it make it harder to study and focus on grad school? These are things you should consider....
When did the EA end?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
