WAW....now the LBS

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Thanks for sharing your intensive...I want to go but don't know if $ or WAW will.

I knew that my husband would likely never be receptive to going back to a therapist. So that is not always the best measure. For me it was about planting a seed of doubt. I broke the bank on this one and either way I feel it was worth it, and I am a saver. Your wife still sounds a little hostile right now. Anytime before reducing the hostility is not a good time. She will just see it as pressure. Michele can give you advice on how to approach her if she is unreceptive.

HiC: and that knowing all of these things and with the right therapist our marriage could be saved.
jmw: quite an admission...I'd consider that positive...

Thanks! I sure hope so. At first I tried time and time again, without success, to get him to understand that we had the wrong therapist. So I hope this is the beginning of him thinking realistically about out sitch.

Hic: Michele and I talked about my plan of action which included to let him know that I wasn't holding out hope for reconciliation, that I would still need time to come to terms with the D and I wanted to continue to work on our friendship.

jmw: I'd have a hard time saying that knowing I felt something different...How do you juggle such feelings/thoughts? I wonder how many LBS need to show their WA's that they aren't holding out hope...I imagine it applies to me...

I know this is what is best for my marriage and I see the results of taking pressure off of him. It also helps you to detach. Michele suggested that by telling him I wasn't holding out hope that he would allow himself to open up to me. I also know this is true because that same night when we talked after the intensive he told me that he would give me the cold shoulder because he thought I was still holding out hope. By giving me the cold shoulder he was trying to send me the signal, hey don't get too comfortable.

[jmw128]

I understand. Detaching is a work in progress for me, some periods of time much better than others. Perhaps my WAW got some messages of me not holding out hope by making decisions based on me and 5D, my 180's for me, etc..but telling WAW that when 5d and I go somewhere and we do our holding hands thing there is always one hand missing doesn't exactly show not holding onto hope. So, perhaps I can show not holding onto hope by doing somethings differently...

I really appreciate the thought. Not going to say I am not holding onto hope unless absolutely necessary, I am just going to do what I can to demonstrate it.

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Detaching is a ongoing process. Without a doubt you should hold onto hope. For the longest time I thought by detaching I was giving up hope but I am realizing slowly but surely that you can detach and still hold onto hope. My therapist recently gave me a copy of a chapter from a book about codependence. At first I thought why is she giving this to me, I am not codependent. But in reading the chapter I realized that it applies to anyone who is having a difficult time detaching. Detaching not only in my sitch but in life is something I am working to overcome. I understand that worrying or trying to control a person or problem will not only not change it but it will drive me crazy.

[jmw128]

you can detach and still hold onto hope.

Think my biggest problem is just not thinking about things...guess that isn't detaching.

Regarding codedependence, my sister recommended me going to a group b/c of my mother's drinking issues...she told me how it would help learn to deal w/ mother, also meet some people, and I suppose, after reading your post, would help in my sitch w/ WAW as well. Thanks for reminding me.

[HOPEFULinCALI]

jmw,

It depends on what exactly you are thinking or worrying about. I think we could all benefit from a greater understanding of detachment. If you are thinking about how to improve yourself and all that good DBing stuff no problem. Even if you are thinking about your spouse, I would be worried if you weren't just a little because we are human and do love our spouses, I don't see that as a problem either.

If you are constantly worried or trying to control the sitch then you aren't detached.

[jmw128]

I think we could all benefit from a greater understanding of detachment.

isn't that the truth...

your post is so helpful, most of what I am thinking about WAW is no big deal, nothing controlling, angry, blah blah...however I do worry/overly-consider how she will react to simple things. And that is just unnecessary grief I put on myself.

[Gypsy]

Hello Ms. Hopeful...

Thank you for sharing what you've learned on your journey to date and your intensive with Michelle. I'm still bewildered with my situation but truly appreciate how others evolve.

*hugs*

[sgctxok]

I agree...you are so helpful, Hopeful!

[jmw128]

HiC - in some of your posts, sometimes directed at me, you described your R with you now WA as in stage 2 of friendship. How do you know when you get there? As an illustration of my question, my WAW and I communicated in someway, six times, this past weekend, with it being positive or definitely non-negative everytime. However, when I told WAW about my truck breaking down and didn't get any sleep can we adjust plan whatever, she didn't ask any obvious question like what happened, are u ok, blah blah, I guess show interest in me...is this part of the process/steps? Is this when I know we are starting stage 2, when she shows interest in simple things about me?

[HOPEFULinCALI]

JMW,

That is great that your interactions were positive or non-negative. I knew that we had moved into stage 2 when he would invite me to do things or would accept my invites to do things. For example, he invited me to lunch two times this weekend and we ended up going to dinner last night. He does ask questions about me sometimes but mostly just "how are you doing?"

I take more of an interest in his life than he does in mine, but for us that is the way it has always been. If she took an interest in your life when you were friends before then that would be a sign to look for and part of your goal setting. Because she wants space and may want to avoid you asking too many questions about her she may avoid asking questions about your life. Creating mystery and having exciting things to report, without giving away too much, could spark her interest in what you are doing with your space.

I noticed in your thread that you said she is sharing more unnecessary information with you. That makes me think that you are moving toward Stage 2 because she is opening herself up to you. My husband didn't do this in Stage 1, didn't engage in conversation and kept interactions as brief as possible.