SPM, I know you want her back. We are all a little crazy here. I hope she does see how irrational her behavior is. I hope she realizes what is in the best interest of your children, which is to see their daddy as often as they can.
You wrote to me saying that "if it is possible to forgive yourself for not being perfect (and I sure hope it is)... then is it also possible to forgive your husband for not being perfect, too?" I know you will forgive her this, maybe you won't forget, but forgive her, I think you are the type of man who would. _________________________
Sheesh, you're giving me my own advice? That's not even fair.
Ah... let's see, forgive her? I guess so. This seems really crazy to me. I don't understand why she's doing all of this, and I'm not sure she does completely, either.
She's in a bad place.
Can I forgive her? Well. I harbor no ill will towards her. is that enough? I wish for better days for her. is that good?
NatureGirl, your thread locked. Something in there you wrote about here.
The R talk you had with your husband.
NG, I think that was a very hard talk. I think you did well. Stepping back just a little, I read that it seems you want more from him.
this part in particular:
Quote:
- He doesn't want to talk to the kids until we have this all figured out. - He has been ignoring it and hoping it will all go away. - A couple times I felt like he just heard what he wanted to out of things that I said. - H: Maybe I am just having a mlc. I don't think I am at all, but maybe I am. - H: Im not selfish, Ive never done a selfish thing in my life and I dont think Im being selfish now - H: I just want whats best for the kids given the circumstances and I think they can be okay unless you do things to make them not okay - H: I enjoy this R we have right now and I dont know why we still cant be like this, doing stuff w/ the kids together but i dont have any other feelings for you than that - H: one possibility is to just stay like this forever. - I asked if we could just stay like this then why dont you want to at least try to stay like this but also try to find our intimacy -- he didnt like when I asked why he cant try.
It's great that he feels like he can be honest with you. That it is safe to say these strong things. Sounds like he is looking for a way out. "stay this way forever" is MLC code language for, I feel hopeless, I feel like a failure, I don't want to fail any more, I don't want to try anymore, I am tired.
You accepted that, but came right back with "why don't we try some more?"
Listen I have done the same thing, so don't think I am trying to pick on you. But the way I Read it, he was offering you something, and you could have accepted it more gently without asking for more.
you could have said - ok. I'm willing to consider that.
I'm not saying you should have because that is up to each particular person. I'm not even sure that is a tenable plan. It wouldn't be for me.
But could you have been more empathetic and accepting?
Hey, it was good advice. I dont always play fair, anyway. Of course you cant understand this, because it doesnt make any sense.
"Can I forgive her? Well. I harbor no ill will towards her. is that enough? I wish for better days for her. is that good?" Well SPM, what if I said that to you, what would you have answered?
Its not even important right now to decide if you can forgive her, just that there is the possibility that you can.
Don't get me wrong, I still want her back! (most people call me crazy.)
If you are crazy, I hope I get the room next to you in the nut house because I'm off my rocker as well. I still want my W back despite everything, so I don't think you're crazy at all. In fact, I agree w/ what was said that we're all a bit daft b/c we do want to fight for our M and our partners despite what they've done.
Enjoy your kids and get some rest. You'll do very well tomorrow. Exercise in the morning will help set your tone for the day. That is a great plan. I'm going to make an extra trip in the morning to the chapel for you to hopefully give you strength, guidance, clarity, and calm tomorrow.
You'll be great. You are ready. You'll be fine. I'll send you some more positives in the morning when I get up.
Thanks, all. Thanks for all the good words and positive juju. It's a loooooong journey.
I feel like right now I am not at a particularly enjoyable waypoint on that journey, but in the not too distant future I could be actually speaking to my wife. Or, I will be on my way to getting my own place to live. or both. Either of which will be good for me, good for my kids.
