My H used to be the same way. He would make me feel like I didn't contribute anything because all I did was 'sit on my a$$' at home all day. What a crock!
After we S'ed and H saw what it was like being at home all day with a rowdy and stubborn toddler, taking S12 and S8 here and there, having to buy the groceries and all that other good stuff.....Only then did he realize it was NOT as easy as he thought it was. Only then did he acknowledge it and apologize to me for every negative thing he ever said or complained about.
Originally Posted By: karen43
I'm also thinking that...probably a good part of the depression was helped by H's name-calling of me and making me feel poorly about myself. I need to work on boosting my self-confidence so that doesn't happen again, but I also think I need to stop blaming myself for all or most of the marriage problems too.
I'm almost certain that has had a lot to do with how you feel about yourself. It sounds like he's been terribly emotionally and verbally abusive to you. It certainly hasn't helped you.
I have blamed myself, too, for the way my M turned out. From the very beginning and for quite some time afterward, my H blamed me for everything. Told me I chose his life's path for him, and sadly, I began to believe it (I don't any longer). I got pregnant, we got M'ed, I got pregnant again, our mortgage was because of me, and once again I was pregnant. All of that was my fault. He never wanted any of it. He was only here because he thought he was doing the right thing.
He has apologized soooo many times over the last year for ever saying those horrible things to me. He said he can't believe why he ever did that. Doesn't have a clue as to why he said those things because he knows they aren't true. He said he was just so very screwed up and lost his way somehow.
Quote:
...then later that night out of the blue he asked, Well where did you go Sat. night and spend my money?
"MY money". HIS money. I have heard those very exact words too many times to recall! Ooooh that freakin' gets to me! Just remind that man how much of HIS money you're saving him from not having to spend it on daycare! And on drycleaning! Housekeeping, too!
Aaaahhhh....ok, I'm good now.
I'm happy to hear you had a good night out, Karen! Plan for more.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Thanks again everyone! I realized today that I've barely seen H in 4 days now. I feel like I'm going through withdrawal or something--I've been a little cranky and everything last night and today. I don't think I've ever gone that long without seeing H in the last 22 years! He was gone on the Daytona trip Friday-Sunday. I saw him Sun. night when he got back but he was tired and went to sleep almost right away. Then yesterday he was already asleep when I got back from rehearsal. I've got another long rehearsal tonight so probably won't see him again today.
I guess this will be what it will be like when he moves out in 10 days so I guess I should get used to it. I'm surprised I feel this sad about it, but here I am trying to fight the blues and I've got 2 more days till I see my C!!! Karen
I remember how much of a mess I was right before my H left, and even worse when it finally happened. I lost something that I so deeply cherished, and the pain of losing it felt horribly unbearable at times.
You will grieve for some time, and that's ok. It's perfectly normal. It's part of the healing process. Give yourself time, and you will eventually begin to heal and feel better. You will be alright.
Hope you have a wonderful time at rehearsal and everything goes well with C. (((((Karen)))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
My rehearsal went fine last night, and I got back to a cheerier mood thank goodness! My emotions seem like they are up and down and all over the place lately! H was asleep again by the time I got home a little around 10, so I haven't seen him really in about 5 days now--again guess I should get used to that since he is moving out soon. I'm not feeling that great today with some kind of flu today, but when I get better am supposed to do more painting at the theatre and will have rehearsals, (in addition to my usual homeschooling, cooking, cleaning, etc.) so hopefully keeping busy will help me get through all this! Karen
It sounds like you have a very positive GAL activity in the theater -- you notice this in how much better you feel afterwards. This is very good -- this is what GAL is for, to help you to cope with a very difficult situation and to set up new patterns of activity that will carry you forward in life, regardless of the outcome of your M.
Karen, Hope you're feeling better today. I agree with NoCode about your great GALing practice! Can you imagine where your emotions would be if you weren't putting your time into the theater production?! Keeping busy is so important.
You both are definitely right. The theatre has been a lifesaver for me. Last night I didn't have a rehearsal and H is just so --what's the word I'm looking for? tiresome, jerky, I don't know. He didn't come home until 8:30 so D8 was pretty upset by then thinking she wouldn't see him, made worse by the fact that he goes out every Thurs. night until midnight so she wouldn't have seen him till Fri.
He comes home and tells D8 he was at his girlfriend's (so OW is apparently already moved out of her H's and into the new apartment H will be moving into next week) and had dinner there so wouldn't have the dinner D8 and I had made! I used to get really upset when he was home late with OW in the past, now I don't get much upset anymore, it's unfortunately just my D8 that's hurt and upset but I guess he can't see that.
Then I had the stomach flu (had it all day) although I still homeschooled both kids, cleaned, spent almost an hour cooking dinner, etc. but didn't get D8's bath started until 9, she does her own bath but I still wash her hair, and H commented on how I am failing on my responsibilities again. I told him I had the flu so that was why I was late with the bath and she only got to bed a few minutes late anyway. I was up half the night sick with flu after that! I can't get over how he will comment on my failing with responsibilities right after he has spent a huge chunk of time with OW totally avoiding them completely!!! Karen
what's the word I'm looking for? tiresome, jerky, I don't know.
You can't use those words, they are saved for *my* H. I especially like 'jerky'.
That being said, ignore his spew, he is demonizing you to justify his actions. My H spent all of Tuesday telling me how much I failed our marriage. I listened and moved on with my day. Don't let him chip away at your great attitude. And feel better, young lady!!!
I didn't see your post until now. I hope you're feeling better.
My H is the same way. Is out late doing who knows what and then complains because the house is a mess. Well, let's see, if you'd do more than just clean the kitchen once or twice a week it would help. If you made D3 pick up after herself when she's doing playing, it would help. I could go on and on. I just feel ya!
And once you're feeling better, I'll fight you and lwb for those words you used to describe your H! They'd work for mine too!
Hope you and the kids are okay.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Just remind that man how much of HIS money you're saving him from not having to spend it on daycare! And on drycleaning! Housekeeping, too!
