I think her favorite soup is a good idea...it has no romance attached to it, it is simply a caring gesture. If your W likes gifts as her LL, this is a non-threatening one....
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
If her love language is "receiving gifts" then bring the soup. I think that's the angle your c is looking at.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
So we enter counseling and I say “ hey pretty lady good to see ya. I stopped at ( restaurant) and ate lunch so I saw they had your favorite soup up and grabbed it for ya incase you haven’t eaten.” Guys I was proud, I was ready…. I was deflated by a luke-warm “thanks” so we sat down and my C, for the first time ever, really got to work. We discussed what we need to feel to be loved. My W decided that quality time and gifts of service are her way of feeling loved. This does not mean physical gifts, but acts of work that mean I think about her. ( the soup I guess was both a GoS and a G). So anyway we talk about this for about 15 min. then when my C challenges W to see were I fit in the equation W replied “I don’t know. I have spent the last month being free and seeing new things and feeling alive. I don’t need (me) anymore and I won’t go back to the sich we were in. I have built a new me and I didn’t need him. Ii”m like I was before I met him and I like it. Besides I need a reason to come back and he hasn’t called me.”
So I guess I grew some balls and stated that when we went to church she ran out the F$%king door, and told me she felt that she was making all the right decisions! W tells me yes she felt uncomfortable in church and didn’t know why. W says maybe because she has felt real close to God in all of this and church is now a safe place for her. Well I cried a little and told her that I pray as well. And I was hoping to heal together, not separately, in a way that’s comfortable to both parties.
I then told her the reason I haven’t called her is I’m scared of her. At this my wife leaned in and asked why. I told her I figured in all the steps of what’s going on, you have communicated you need space. Sure 2 weeks ago when we talked you we happy, but after that Sunday when I texted you and invited you to church, you were very unapproachable and ran out so I figured I was pushing. W stated she had made plans with someone else that night and had actually pushed them back because she wanted to spend time with me, but got there and was uncomfortable. Well I told he that fine, I would call her, but she needed to be honest and tell me if she feels the slightest push.
W tells me to be honest to myself. I should quit asking what she wants and be normal. I told her that for too long I have been selfish and forgotten who I am, and I am finding that I actually am a giving person. So when I ask her what she wants me to do it’s not being fake, but me trying to re-learn who she is because I had forgotten. Well wife tells me she is not the same person she ever was and is completely different because of what has been going on. She told me she might not be able to mesh with me anymore and we should be honest about that. W stated she wants to go on dates with me to see if we could even date comfortably because of our differences and especially her new outlook. So I try to ask her out on a couple of dates and W has plans. C steps in and say to my W “well you brought this up, you tell HIM when you available and let him work around you.
So here’s the big one
She asks me what I’m doing for Saint P day? We had a Scottish/Irish wedding and we both really enjoy that holiday. I told her I’m free Sat-Monday because those are my 3 days off. She then invited me to spend those three days out of town together and see what happens. The ground rules are we will get a 2 bed room and see what happened and if one person splits off for a while that’s ok. And that’s were we ended counseling. I went home and slept good for the first time in a month. I slept for 14 hours. O and before I went I told her since I’m being honest to myself…and I gave her a hug.
well she texted me on sat and i responded. seemed real light hearted so far so good. one of our oldest friends was talking to her and stated she " sounds medicated,. Even when she tells me how excited she is to be alone she seems numb, like shes someone acting excited in a play." this backs up my thery that since she has been taking Lexapro ( she started 2 weeks before this all happned ) she has NOT been herself
