W's chief complaint to me has been how I would withdraw ino my "shell" rather than engage her -- she hates it if she thinks she's being ignored. But then she also says she hates it when I stand up to her, because I am too "opinionated." But then if I don't stand up for myself and just go along with her, she loses respect for me. I can never seem to find the right balance, and it ends up being a no-win situation.
Hi NoCode-
Wow, did you hit the nail on the head for me. Exactly how I feel too. If I stood up, I was a b*tch and nagging. If I sat back and went along I was boring and respect was lost there too.
I know you feel that your email will push her further away, but I have to say that I've told my H those things too. That no one and nothing will give him happiness & peace until he finds it within himself. There's a part of him (although very small), that is a man who could bring himself to God. He had a lot of issues with his mom and how she handled her beliefs. I had a hard time getting him to finally go to church, but he agreed it was good for us. You are right.
Have a good evening.
Hugs to you!
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
NoCode, Hit in the eyes with a halogen if I'm missing something but I read the email from your wife a couple times and the one thing that really got my attention is twice she said 'sorry.' Not sure what it means, if anything, sometimes I'm obtuse, but it got my attention.
Joie, I am not sure what to make of the two "sorry" statements, to be frank. W has used these words before in a somewhat more pejorative context, which I would take to mean she is sorry for her own guilt more than anything. In this case she appears to be expressing regret at the turn of events in our M, as if she had no hand in it herself.
I have been lurking around when I can, but haven't had the real gumption to offer any comments or words of support. I've been working too much, and between my employer and my two rambunctious little boys, it is no small wonder I'm still standing.
I haven't any major developments to report on at this time, although I do know one of the places W went last Friday night -- that was the most recent weekend that I know W never returned home at all -- W went to a concert with another person. (OM).
Oh, and W sent back a terse reply to my response as given above
Quote:
I just hadn't had time to respond....
She sent this late on Tuesday -- with no follow up since.
nocode, being busy is a curse and a blessing for me at this time. Sometimes, I don't want to be anywhere. When, I am at home, I want to be out, when I am at work, I want to be home. Can't settle anywhere.
Yuck to the concert. It all hurts, doesn't it? Funny she has time to go to a concert, but not to reply to your email.
Take care, and remember to relax and breathe. You are doing the best you can.
<note> W paid a pretty penny for her and another person (OM) to go see the Blue Man Group on Feb 29th. And she has the audacity to complain to me about our finances, or how tough it is for her now to make ends meet.
<updates> I am long overdue...
This week begins attempts to change our custody schedule.
I kept the boys an extra night this weekend and took them to their school/daycare before heading to work. It was quite difficult today since it was the first school day following the Daylight Savings time change -- had two otherwise very chipper boys reluctant to get moving this AM. But this is the start of rearranging my life to be a more full-time type of parent, a significant change from the arrangement W and I agreed upon years ago before starting this family.
W called yesterday afternoon while I was trying to get S3 to take a nap. I handed the phone to S7 after putting it on speaker-phone. W raised her voice and told S7, somewhat irritatedly, that she wanted to speak to his daddy and that was the reason for her call. I was about to go back and try to get S3 back to bed for his nap, but I then stopped and took the phone back from S7.
W was obviously very irritated with me for handing the phone to S7 and not talking to her first. She asked, "What's with this handing the phone to S7 without making sure there was something I needed to communicate with you about first?"
I refrained from reminding her that this refraining from talking directly to the other parent when they call was her MO long before I adopted it. I myself have had no need to bend her ear as she does mine. I calmly apologized and told her I was unaware she had anything to say to me in this case, and to go ahead and say what she needed to. She complained that there are times when she needs to communicate to me as another parent, and started to launch into another spiel about why this was another reason why we cannot communicate and why we cannot live together. But I insisted she go ahead and tell me what she really wanted to say.
W just wanted to run by me her latest thinking about how to ease into the new parenting schedule, and to also put in her two cents about how she thinks it can best be worked out. It was nothing new from what she had already stated before this week, but I think she just wanted to reiterate her points once again. I was noncommittal but told her, as before, I would think about it.
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In our first (and so far only) mediation session, after I stated my desire to seek joint custody and that I wanted at least one more night each week with our S's, W announced she wanted a weekend herself each month to be with the kids. I countered by asking W what she was going to offer to offset me giving up one of my three-day weekends. W looked at me dumb-founded and had to have the mediator explain to her -- it's like W thinks she automatically can make demands of time with the children without my consent and that I have no right to their time. The mediator, to her credit, explained to W that if she wanted some weekends with our S's, she would have to reciprocate by giving me back some time with them during the week.
So the mediator began trying to figure out a complex schedule where W would get the second weekend of each month and I would get additional days during weeks 1 and 3. My understanding at the time was that any additional weekends that happen during the month would be my regular 3-day weekends. I was not entirely thrilled with this arrangement, but in the spirit of compromise I was willing to entertain the idea.
But since then, it has become more and more evident why this custody agreement really needs to be nailed down in writing. W is now claiming the discussion with the mediator called for a plan independent of the month. W thinks she would get every third weekend in general with our S's, such that it would be two weekends with me and one weekend with her regardless of the month. W claims it would make our custody near to "even". I strongly dispute both her recollection of the mediator's plan and her assertion to the "fairness" of her own spin on this.
I expressed a bit of calm consternation with her for trying to rejigger the deal we've been hammering out. W started pouting about how she needs more time with our S's than she was going to be getting. She said with her mother leaving and the boys going into full-time daycare/after-school programs and her taking on more week-day work, she was more freed up for weekends. She said she did not want to be the sole "homework" parent by taking all the weekdays (poor baby), and she would like to be able to be the "fun" parent again by having some weekends with them. She even voiced a desire to have them every other weekend, since her schedule with her work could support it now.
I did not voice my frustration with her, but I was boiling inside. I was thinking the whole time she was complaining about losing out on quality time with our S's that she was the one who wanted this situation in the first place. She's the one who's destroying the family. She's the one who is using her precious free time to be with the OM instead of her children. She's the one who wanted to work more during the week so she can be independent of me. She's the one who's now chasing her mother away, ending her "wonderful" arrangement for "free" daycare. Now she doesn't like it because she's not getting enough one-on-one with our S's because of her chosen schedule changes? These are the consequences of her actions and now she wants me to pay all the costs for it.
I can no longer remain sympathetic for her for what she is doing to her own relationship with her children. I do feel for my S's and what this is doing to them, but if she feels any negative consequences, that's not my concern anymore. In fact, she is starting to really p*ss me off. I am tired of making all the sacrifices to accommodate her selfish behaviors.
I have determined to put my foot down. I am going for 50-50, and will settle for no less. She says she wants every other weekend? Fine. I am going to ask for every other week.
The one thing that still wrenches my heart with W trying to get weekends away from me is that I have no faith that W will make sure our S's get to church every Sunday as I have pledged to do. And even if she does I cannot trust her to take them to the same church, our church, anymore (since she wants to avoid ever seeing me in any such venue) -- and she is the one who complains the loudest about maintaining consistency in our S's lives.
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Speaking of church, there's another related issue that has developed that just perturbs me. When we say our prayers at night with our S's we have said the "Prayer for a Child" by Rachel Field. I have it memorized and it goes this this:
Bless this milk and bless this bread. Bless this soft and waiting bed Where I presently shall be Wrapped in sweet security. Through the darkness, through the night Let no danger come to fright My sleep till morning once again Beckons at the window pane. Bless the toys whose shapes I know, The shoes that take me to and fro Up and down and everywhere. Bless my little painted chair. Bless the lamplight, bless the fire, Bless the hands that never tire In their loving care of me. Bless my friends and family. Bless my Father and my Mother And keep us close to one another. Bless other children, far and near, And keep them safe and free from fear. So let me sleep and let me wake In peace and health, for Jesus' sake. Amen.
Lately, when S3 hears me recite this prayer, he has his little hands together and his head bowed, and now he quietly repeats the last word of every verse. So as I finish each line, he's saying "Bread", "bed", "be", "'rity", "night", "fright", etc. Friday night I noticed that when I got to the end of the line, "Bless my friends and family." S3 said "Amen." He was barely audible on the other words, but he's in the habit of raising the volume of his voice to join in chorus on saying amen after each prayer.
The next night, Saturday, I paused after this point, and yet again S3 tried to conclude the prayer after the same line, as if that was the habit he was now accustomed to. It stung me in realization, but I pressed on with the remainder of the prayer and made my usual goodnight ablutions with the both of them. As I made my exit from their room, I reflected on the significance of this subtle change to our routines. I can only conclude that my W has now adopted the habit of prematurely ending this traditional prayer right before the verses that say:
Bless my Father and my Mother And keep us close to one another.
Maybe I am reading too much into S3's innocent words and what they portend, but I don't know if I can take much more of this.
I was really hoping for some good news from you when I returned from my vacation.
Im sorry that she is still on the wack job path of "not reality" .
If I were you I wouldn't give in to the wkend thing. 50/50 is fair, and the dedicated father I know you are, you have every right to this. You love them as much as her and you need them also and them you. It amazes me how she thinks she deserves more time with them then you do. just amazing.
I wish I could offer some better advice, but I will say that you are strong, even if you don't feel like you are. She IS the one who caused this, I do believe what comes around goes aroundd
But it doesn't make is any easier for you.
Hang in there my friend.
((hugs))
tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
NoCode, I can relate to the church problem. H and I already discussed this. Actually H sent me an email one day and told me he gets "custody" of our church! which is ironic b/c I am a Sunday School teacher there, and he told me I can no longer attend! But he is good friends with the pastor, closer than I am with him, and is moving physically closer there location wise, so I am agreeing with H on that, and he is supposed to take the kids to church there.
H is hopefully going to see the kids every Sunday and so they will have the comfort and familiarity of their own church and church friends during all these stressful times(maybe you can mention it like that to your W?), but need to work that out with him this week! I hope you can work it out as well! Karen
