B50 - I'm trying to show the great person, and have been near perfect for months. She's still resisting it though. She doesn't WANT to see it. In fact she's actually told me she sees it, but doesn't believe it, or thinks I'm doing it for the wrong reasons (desperate, an act, making her look bad for wanting out...)
Tman, I hear you. I'm in the same boat. I think it's going to take a long time. In my case, I don't even see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, and her MLC started almost two years ago.
Ultimately, I guess the LBS has to decide what they want, and how long they're willing to twist in the wind.
I've asked myself those questions a lot. So far, I keep giving myself the same answer.
As time goes on...who knows?
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
It's snowing at Breck today...and they're calling for more tomorrow! I bet you'll have some good powder! If you get a chance, eat a Bubba Gump's...they have good seafood! No matter what, go and have a great time...enjoy yourself and leave the worries behind for a few days!
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
I feel like i am detaching but now that you put it that way and I am definately angry with her for the way she treats me, what she will put the family thru if she goes thru with this and how she is never around. She has no time for me at all except when she wants to beat on me, which of course is no fun. Pysch said aviod those times when you are completely alone with her for those are the times she will beat on you and try to get a reaction.
I just talked to the new MC downstairs and she said there is still hope and not to detach to much and re-inforce that i still want this marriage to last forever. She is concerned about W drinking and told me not to drink at all because that can exasperbate (sp) the whole situation. I have hardly had a drink since August for it makes me think to much and I just get tired and fall asleep.
Thanks Bomb. I will watch the anger. The new MC wants me to have a talk with her tonight but that will be hard without having an R talk. I have to be really careful. I want this to work to much and I can not let it be about me it must be about her.
It aint over till it's over.
Any thoughts on what to talk about tonight? How to approach her?
She doesn't WANT to see it. In fact she's actually told me she sees it, but doesn't believe it, or thinks I'm doing it for the wrong reasons (desperate, an act, making her look bad for wanting out...)
Let me help you by translating this into something that you need to understand so that you can see the baby steps happening around you.
When she says what she said, you have to learn to hear "Blah, blah, blah told me she sees it, blah blah blah blah (blah blah blah)."
I just talked to the new MC downstairs and she said there is still hope and not to detach to much and re-inforce that i still want this marriage to last forever.
And, you also admit that you may not be detaching enough, instead you may be resenting more than you realized. Detachment is letting go of emotional considerations, and resentment is an emotional consideration. So, before you worry about detaching too much, as the MC pointed out, you must first reach a level where you detach enough. This is all metered by the idea of doing what works, less of what doesn't.
Once you reach that level of detachment, WAS may start to become even more confused and even panicky toward you, instead of the pissy, annoyed, resentful behavior you have become accustomed to. It is at that time the you need to be concerned about "over-detachment", which WAS could then consider disinterest. Then it's time to "try something different" again, and slowly show increased interest.
I don't mean to second guess your new MC, but I suspect that you have told her that you are detaching when you may still need some work on that. It is definitely possible to become over-detached, but your recent self stated self realization may indicate that you really are not at risk of that just yet.
This is tough; I can only tell you my sitch and see if you think it compares to yours. My W told me last fall she saw new signs in me even though we weren't talking about R or seeing each other much. When we did see each other, it was briefly, and often by accident. There were, however, a couple of times when she said things like she knew I was working hard, and then, in an emotional breakdown, wondered where "that man" was while we were married. I won't go into the answer--that would take too long. But it was clear to me that she was seeing things. Women are smart that way. I did have some changes I needed to make in myself, and I've made great progress.
BUT.... then nothing. She went back to the venom the next couple of times we saw each other (again, unexpectedly). She didn't want to follow up on learning more about this new, evolving me. Then she said she wanted the D a few weeks after that.
I hate to rain on the parade; every situation is different. Your W does notice things, as Michele writes. However, what she does with it you cannot necessarily predict or control. She might want to learn more; you may be arousing her curiosity about what she's missing. On the other hand, you might not. Just remember your inability to control, and try to detach from outcomes you can't direct. All you can do is work on yourself for yourself, not for her or anyone else. Try to keep that attitude--it's hard--and you won't be bothered by what she does.
I just talked to the new MC downstairs and she said there is still hope and not to detach to much and re-inforce that i still want this marriage to last forever.
WAIT!!! I would be careful about following the new MC's advice. Slow and steady. Change courses for a reason, thoughtfully and carefully. Just because the new MC comes in and suggests a change, doesn't mean it is the right time. HAve you had a talk with the MC about DB philosophy and techniques and what you have been attempting to do? Have you looked at your progress so far with this new MC?
Re-inforcing to your W that you want the marriage to last forever, sounds like pressure to me! Sounds like heavy heavy pressure. Look, she is in doubt right now. If you are following DB principles, then your task now is to back off and let her come to you. Your task is not to go out and track her down and cling tightly to her.
She knows you don't want a divorce. You've already covered that ground. You do not need to articulate that again, now. This is R talk, I would be very cautious.
Quote:
[new mc] is concerned about W drinking and told me not to drink at all because that can exasperbate (sp) the whole situation. I have hardly had a drink since August for it makes me think to much and I just get tired and fall asleep.
W is going to drink or not. It's not your issue. That is "her side of the street" as my counselor calls it. Stay off her side, keep on your side. If you want a drink, have one. But be reasonable, don't go get drunk. If you don't want a drink, don't. Forget about trying to "influence" W one way or the other with your own decision to have a drink or not. That is not detachment.
Tree, when you think of "moving on" - I think those are healthy thoughts. It means you are tired of the crap. But aren't there many ways to "move on"? Could you "move on" out of the misery and muck, and just keep on having fun, getting a life, keep on with that PMA? Would that be "moving on" enough? Maybe "moving on" can be a spiritual or emotional thing, eg, detachment, rather than a physical thing, that is to say divorce or separation.
I'm a little concerned Tree, that you are getting loose in the socket.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Tell me why you are concerned that I am getting a little "loose in the socket". Do you feel I am giving up or confused? I am having a tough time no doubt but I think I am holding together pretty good. It's tough dealing with her everyday with her bi-Polar mood swings. There are times that you just get tired of this Crap.
"Once you reach that level of detachment, WAS may start to become even more confused and even panicky toward you"
She is getting to this point now, I can tell. She is acting differently toward me since I have been detaching, GALing and PMAing all over. I don't want her to get to far away though and she seems awful far away now.
