Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate your ideas and comments, as well as everyone elses. I will definitely pay more
One thing I should clarify is that we both have full time jobs but I cook dinner almost everynight as well as 75% of the cleaning on the weekends or after work (we both get home around 8pm). I pick our kid after basketball practice or from school, take him to school everyday, buy groceries whenever needed. Considering all this shouldn’t I be the one with the low libido? Even when I'm exhausted from all that I still have room in my life for making love to her.
But that is going to change soon because I'm going to work on overcoming my need, rather than raising her desire. Realizing why I needed sex (my love language--need for intimacy) has given me some power over it. I actually don't feel as frustrated now because I understand better why I need it. This seems to be succeeding in lowering my libido.
I must admit I am sad to have to resort to trying to eliminate my desire instead of feeding and relishing it but I'm tired of aching for her touch. I'm still going to be sweet and do nice things for her but I'm going to hold myself back sexually. I used to think that repressing one's sexuality was unhealthy but now I realize that being frustrated in more unhealthy. Since nothing I do has an impact on her being attracted to me I will give up on trying. If I leave little to be rejected about then I can’t be rejected as much. I am focusing myself on other areas, hobbies, time with my son. It will be difficult and I am feeling the loss of one of life’s joys but I no longer see any alternative. Maybe if I concentrate like a tibetan monk I’ll get to the level that Jenn381’s hub has gotten to. He is a master of the reversal. He wanted it so bad that he gave up. Now she’s aching for him. Irony is a cruel jester.
I have been slowly surrendering over the last few years. To be honest, I am so afraid of not giving her earth shattering sex that I would almost rather not try than fail because I know how long it is going to be until I get try improving my performance another time. Sex has become less about throwing ourselves together into a molten lake of passionate release and more about making sure that she enjoys it so it won’t be too long before we can do it again. It’s becoming performance based work, not fun.
You write and express yourself so well. My only comment is that you may benefit from picking up & reading the 5LL book. It's a fantastic book and I only hope it is simple as Chapman makes it out to be.
As an aside, my marital sex life turned when I started when I let me desire for sex with W translated into my lifestyle. They way I act, dress, smell the whole shooting match. I felt sexier and it rubbed off on her in a big way. 5LL aint going do it alone, but it helps understand how the little things help.
Acts of Service does not appear to be your W's love language at all. Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
Well. Finally some of the kind of talk I need. I think you sound like a martyr. Before you get angry with me, let me tell why I feel that way. My H is a very neat person and I am a messie. He is teaching me to be neater at first by working with me around the house and later when he felt I wasn't learning fast enough he would just do it. Because he is angry with me all the time he uses what he does around the house as proof positive that he cares more than I do about keeping things neat. I am much neater these days and am more focus than ever on how to keep things neat. I thought if I got better at housework and keep away from my family, friends and church he would like me more and we could have sex again. But pleasing him is like chasing a moving target. I have been chasing that carrot so long and getting the stick instead I don't play anymore I do not even believe that sex exists in the real world. He angry with me right now as I get ready to celebrate Mother's Day with family, co-workers and a few nice strangers. He told me I am not his mother nor am I the mother of his child therefore he is not obligated to get me anything for Mother's day. That didn't bother me 12 years ago but it does now. I thought by now we would cherish each other on those special days. All I know for sure is that I am not good enough and the last time I had sex was April 10th 1998.
Quoting AchingMan: I must admit I am sad to have to resort to trying to eliminate my desire instead of feeding and relishing it but I'm tired of aching for her touch. I'm still going to be sweet and do nice things for her but I'm going to hold myself back sexually. I used to think that repressing one's sexuality was unhealthy but now I realize that being frustrated in more unhealthy. Since nothing I do has an impact on her being attracted to me I will give up on trying. If I leave little to be rejected about then I can’t be rejected as much. I am focusing myself on other areas, hobbies, time with my son. It will be difficult and I am feeling the loss of one of life’s joys but I no longer see any alternative.
Aching Man,
I am glad there are still spouses around like you who are even thinking of lowing their drives instead of looking elsewhere to have their desires met. I hope that one day soon your W will come to realize how much you love her and how committed you are to your M and like Jen work to at least meet you half way in the intimacy department if not all the way. I too am trying to suppress my need and have told H that I feel like part of me is dying a slow death. At least now that he has broken the drought of 20 months, I hope that things will improve but I dare not even speak of it anymore. I just hope that things will get better from here. I hope that for you too. All I can say is don't give up, keep looking for solutions and maybe one day....
Hi...found this thread through a post over in piecing...my h has not touched me for over a year...we seperated last Nov..but still had not touched since last March...sad that I know exactly the last time we had sex. There are issues to deal with in our m other than just no sex..isn't that probably the problem with most? I don't have any advice for you...if your w and you are together and she wants to work on your m..that is a huge step and hopefully the intimate part will come with time. It is a wild journey..and yes I would love for my h to ravish me right at the sink doing dishes. He used to do the touching thing and I think I took it for granted...
