No 2x4s from me on looking at her phone. I was bad this weekend, too. H's credit card statement came on Friday. I was off so for once I got the mail. I walked by that bill so many times and told myself no, don't open it. But after he got home and didn't even notice it, I did open it. It was 'clean.' Sometimes we just can't help ourselves.
NoCode, I don't know how our spouses can live with themselves when they are in these affairs. I know I couldn't! I do think they make us out to be the "bad guys" to help justify their awful behavior and help deal with the guilt. Horrible!
S7 seemed to be better later in the day. I watched him pretty closely, and his appetite returned in force by dinner time. On the latter, W asked if I could feed our 2 S's before bringing them to the house, which I agreed.
I have been ruminating over another development that has been gelling since just before the mediation meeting, the MIL is now planning to move out of the house by the end of this month to go live with her sister (W's aunt) two hours east of here (now that W's aunt is now widowed.)
While I am thrilled at the prospects of my deranged MIL no longer having a regular influence on my two S's lives, at least as far as a day-to-day basis, there are unfortunate consequences to this. W is now putting both of our S's into extended daycare programs. S7 is beginning before-school and after-school care as run by the YMCA today. And S3 is being taken out of our church run preschool program that is only two days per week and being transfered into another preschool that is five days per week. This is all so W can continue to work even more, but it is detracting time away she had formerly spent with our S's.
W refuses to acknowledge the hardship this places on our two S's. She is trying to spin this change as a positive for each of our boys, but I am so disappointed that they are now losing yet more time with another of their parents. It's bad enough that their mother forced their father out of regular daily influence on their lives, now their mother seems to be abandoning them on top of that. And yet she still acts like she has their best interests at heart, while I, by contrast, am still perceived as just a selfish, unthinking ass in her mind.
I have been noting, both from personal observation in person and over the phone, and from several comments made by S7 and by S3 independently, that W and MIL have been having continual arguments with each other. I don't know the real source of this refound animosity between them, but my S's seem to think it is mostly due to differences in how to care for the children.
W and MIL used to butt heads quite frequently until about this time last year, when the two mysteriously became thick as thieves all of a sudden. I would later learn that their nefarious alliance was struck when W suddenly became receptive to listening to MIL's advice about dumping me -- W must have found her OM by then. Silly, naive me thought that W and MIL had worked through their petty differences like adults (at last) and were cooperating for the sake of our S's -- little did I know they were only colluding in getting rid of me.
I knew MIL was merely using W until she could find another gig with her sister. I knew MIL was only tolerating our two little children of the (despised) male variety only as long as she had to. I really hoped she'd turned a new leaf, that she was really interested in helping our family, but my reservations about her proved to not be unfounded.
W, in turn, was using MIL until she could get rid of me. I guess the two of them have come to the conclusion that the other has now outlived their usefulness, and so the pretense to peace between them can now be dispensed with.
All I know is that with each new development in this sitch, my poor S's are ending up with less and less of their parents.
I still cannot trust my W either. Even though she talks about finding a rental property nearby, I strongly suspect she's gearing up to relocate to where the OM lives (1+ hours east of here) just as soon as she can possibly get away with it.
Can we just have a big group hug today. I think we both need it! Anyone else want to join in?
You know, when D3 (almost D4) was about 1 1/2, not long after we moved here, H decided that it would be best for her to stay at home with one of us. Since I've been with my co. for 12 years and have all the vaca./benefits, that one would be him. He would get a part-time job at night & stay home with her. I think he convinced himself that it was best, as a way of justifying not getting a great full-time position. He talked and boasted about how he was a stay-at-home dad & about how much time he spent with her & how strong their bond was. That was okay for us financially, but it put us in a spot where we never saw each other. Now, compared to then, he barely spends time with her at all. Sad.
I know I just rambled and took over your thread, but I know how you feel. It crushes you to see the reaction on your child's face or when they ask about your S. They see it. They're not dumb.
I hope what you suspect about your W moving away isn't true.
Hugs to you my friend!!
Sue
Last edited by SueS; 03/03/0809:12 PM.
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Let me join in on the group hug... It's sad that the children don't come first to them. Sometimes I think that my H feels I put our girls first too much. Sad, isn't it?
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
((((Hugs)))) in return. I can't think of anyone else who gives better virtual hugs than you wonderful DB ladies.
My disappointment with my W is complete. The fact is that I took on more and more responsibility in a thankless job so that W could be off during the week to better raise our S's, while I became a weekend Mr. Mom -- and that this resulted in the unfortunate loss of adequate quality time between W and myself over the last seven years of our M, which is the root cause for our estrangement. We sacrificed so much for our family, including the health of our M itself (unwisely), so our children would have the maximum benefit of two loving parents. That was our intent. And yet all that sacrifice is now for naught -- my W has backpedaled away from her side of this covenant, on all accounts.
I cannot believe she can somehow rationalize to herself this insurmountable loss to our children. I cannot believe this is the same woman who I married. I cannot believe this is the same woman I spent long hours talking with while we dated and after we took our vows, discussing how we wanted to raise our children in the best of circumstances. We wanted to try to home-school our children. We wanted to work together to give them a loving home and to at least minimize the need for daycare. We wanted to maximize our influence on our children. We agreed on so much for so many years, and then as the reality check came in, W began to renege in piecemeal fashion on her side of the bargain. No more home-schooling, no more school choice, no more Christian-led education, no more marriage, no more wife, no more father, no more family.
I got back from my DivorceCare group this evening to find that W had sent me an email out of the blue. We haven't sent anything to each other in at least a month. Unfortunately, it was odd and not very positive at all. Here's the text:
Quote:
Guilt & shame are acid.... Acid is not attractive or restorative, only bitter.... I'm sorry....I never dreamed our marriage could disintegrate....but it did. That disintegration had nothing to do with any 3rd person as you wrongly believe. If our marriage was a garden it succumbed to a drought. I see no hint of green in it. I only see you continuing to pour acid on it. I'm just done with it & migrating to a totally different climate. I'm so sorry....
I was dumbfounded by what could have possibly illicited this message. Since I talked to her over a week ago about my knowing all about the depths of her infidelity, I have said nothing else, and all our few conversations since then were strictly on the kids and our house. Why now did this spring forth?
I sent a response to merely ask what brought this on all of a sudden (don't expect a reply until tomorrow at the earliest.)
My W is strange enough to read when I was fully in tune with her -- since the bomb, however, she's been exceptionally difficult to understand. She must be melding too much with the OM or something, cause I feel like she just included me in line of conversation with someone else. Is it only now she's realizing that I am really no longer in the dark? Is she cracking up?
Okay, I know -- quite trying to understand the insane mind of an infidel.
NoCode, I've had that same argument before with my H several times, he insists the OW had nothing to do with our marriage falling apart. I agree with him that the affair may have started b/c our marriage had problems, but going to a MC would have fixed them, while H choosing an affair instead is most likely going to end our marriage.
And who in your relationship is suffering from guilt and shame? Not you, but probably your W, is she were ever to admit it, so she is the one that put the acid in your marriage not you. I guess she is upset b/c you are reminding her of her guilt and shame? That's just a guess; I have a hard time figuring out their minds also!!!! Karen
Wonder what brought that on??? Thinking of you nocode. You don't deserve to be blamed for everything. And you surely do NOT need your boys to be 'poisoned' by your W's view of you.
W just refuses to see how toxic her own thoughts have become, how that spills out and is noticed by our S's.
Against the DB rules, I sent W another response. I just couldn't sleep last night (if that was her real intent with her email, it worked.) I kept thinking how what W had said was so very much like our Bible reading in church just this past Sunday. So I got up, wrote the following and sent it about 1 AM this morning:
Quote:
W, you spoke of "drought".
I realize now that I foolishly allowed my "love tank" with you (as described by Dr. Gary Chapman) to become drained a long time ago. And I really wish I could change that, if you would let me. It did not and does not have to be this way.
More importantly though, I also know that your cup has been drained on an even deeper level -- and that you continue to seek desperately for a well with which to refill it.
I still love you, God help me. And I truly do wish the best for you -- I always have and always will. Though you care to believe it or not, I am still the best and truest friend you will ever know. I am far from perfect, that's for sure. I certainly don't claim to have all the answers, but as your friend I can tell you this:
If you thirst, you will never be truly sated by the waters of this world.
You won't find what you need in the arms or the bed of any other man. You won't even find it in me (admittedly). And you won't find it in your children or your family either. You won't find what you're looking for in any other mortal being.
Only the living water that Jesus Christ offers will ease your thirst, now and forever.
--NCB
I realize this will likely push W further away. It probably would have been much better to have said nothing at all. But I really feel that speaking the truth in love is my best option here. W's chief complaint to me has been how I would withdraw ino my "shell" rather than engage her -- she hates it if she thinks she's being ignored. But then she also says she hates it when I stand up to her, because I am too "opinionated." But then if I don't stand up for myself and just go along with her, she loses respect for me. I can never seem to find the right balance, and it ends up being a no-win situation.
I mean every word I said to her -- and if I am d*mned either way, I guess I would rather err on the side of honesty and truth.
But then here I am making excuses for taking a stance -- maybe I should just quit playing this game of hers altogther. It seems to just get me nowhere.
