WAW....now the LBS

[HOPEFULinCALI]

PH,

I am so happy to hear your positive attitude and outlook. Hang in there.

Your encouragement as well as the other's here really helps me to maintain a positive outlook!

So you each had individual sessions with her?

After lunch we each met with her for about 45min and then came back together then she gave us her thoughts. We ended about an hour early (good thing because we made it to the gate as they were boarding) because there wasn't much discussion from us when we came back together. If I have learned anything I know that nothing I say will change his mind. He was the second to meet with her and I wanted Michele's words to be the last that he would remember. I didn't want to risk a negative interaction.

When we got home I went to get into my car to go home and he asked, "Aren't you coming inside?". I did in part to see my baby girl; a little yorkie named Ginger. We talked about her during the session and I started to cry. Anywho, I digress. Once in the house I sat him down, thanked him for coming with me to the intensive, and began to tell him what Michele suggested. He seemed willing to really work on the friendship. As I left he gave me a hug, a kiss on the cheek, and said that we should take these trips more often.

One thing that did baffled me is that he asked me to stay in the home that we own together when he goes to the CHP academy in September. Um if you file won't we be divorced by then, was the thought that crossed my mind. Also he gave no good reason why the divorce hasn't completed if he filed in September as he told Michele. Yup, the papers are still in his glove compartment as of last night, unfiled.

Another thing that I discussed yesterday was making him think I am "up to something". In otherwords make him jealous without actually dating someone. I suppose this would be one of those "act as if" situations.

Any suggestions PH or anyone?

[plentyhope]

HiC,

Once in the house I sat him down, thanked him for coming with me to the intensive, and began to tell him what Michele suggested. He seemed willing to really work on the friendship. As I left he gave me a hug, a kiss on the cheek, and said that we should take these trips more often.

One thing that did baffled me is that he asked me to stay in the home that we own together when he goes to the CHP academy in September. Um if you file won't we be divorced by then, was the thought that crossed my mind. Also he gave no good reason why the divorce hasn't completed if he filed in September as he told Michele. Yup, the papers are still in his glove compartment as of last night, unfiled.

It sounds as if he isn't sure about filing for D. This is good for you. All the more reason to DB very carefully.

Another thing that I discussed yesterday was making him think I am "up to something". In otherwords make him jealous without actually dating someone. I suppose this would be one of those "act as if" situations.

I would think very carefully before doing this. It's possible it'd backfire. It's one thing to get a life by keeping busy and having a good decent time, but it might give him the "licence" to go dating himself if he thinks you are.
-PH

[brantacan]

HiC:

thanks so much for sharing with us. i new you were going to the intensive, but didn't realize it just happened.

personally, i think how your H interacted with you when you got home (i.e. inviting you in) and the statement he made about taking more trips like that one, leads me to believe he has some doubts. in addition, he has delayed in filing. just play it cool though and continue to work on the friendship. you guys probably got everything out in the open w/Michele, so I would say to follow his lead and just be a good friend right now. anything more right now, especially after an intense therapy session like that one, might push him further away. being in the LBS role right now, and having been here for approaching 9 months, i have periods of anger and resentment. sometimes I feel like all the effort I put in will amount to nothing and feel like letting go for good; and I'm sure your H reached a point in his DB efforts where he just had to let you go and now feels upset/angry for having gone through all of that. i doubt he's doing it intentionally, but to a degree he is almost being vindictive/spiteful on a subconcious level. Just hang in there though, I sense his heart is softening a bit.

I personally don't like the idea of intentionally attempting to make somebody jealous. If that's your intent and it backfires then you're setting yourself up for disappointment, whereas if you continue to GAL and pursue things that are truly making you happy and doing them for your benefit, you've put yourself in the best possible position to lead a fulfilling life no matter what happens. It just seems controlling to do something with the intent of making somebody jealous and then it just becomes one more potential conflict and issue that will have to be resolved. Anyway, my two cents. You ultimately have to be the one to decide, so just make sure you really think it through.

Thanks again for all of the insight you've provided in this forum. I know you're helping a lot of LBSs.

[HOPEFULinCALI]

PH and Brantacan,

Thank you guys! I too fear that making him jealous will give him the green light to begin to take the flirting to a new level, but I was surprised to find that M thought it wasn't all that bad of an idea to make him think that something was up.

Brantacan,

I began to realize a few months ago the pain and anger that the LBS feels toward the WAS. I am beginning to wonder if I can forgive my husband for all the cruel things he has said to me and about me or all the things he has done to me, particularly behind my back. I never did any of these things, but he feels the need to be especially cruel and seems to have misplaced or broke his moral compass. Maybe I should put up some flyers in the neighborhood...lost, Husbands moral compass. Nevertheless, I did hurt him first. And afterall what am I doing all this work for just to go back to old patterns of unforgiveness. It is something I will have to do.

This process definitely takes patience. Just keep hope. Keep an open mind and heart. Regardless of the path of your sitch I would hate to see the anger get to you. Part of why my marriage is where it is now is because I could not forgive my parents for my childhood and I could not forgive my husband for his mistakes. Anger is an emotional burden we can't afford. Keep in mind that sometimes, such as in my case, you can go with months without change and as suddenly as your sitch went bad it can take a turn for the best.

[brantacan]

HiC and others:

I highly recommend Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth, Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. Somebody gave me this book about 6 months ago and I shelved it for some reason. Just didn't have an interest. Saw that Oprah was promoting it the other day and now a lot of hype surrounding it, so gave it a shot. Finished in 2 days.

He briliantly discusses the ego and how it's the cause of all of our pain and suffering. And more importantly, ways to break free from your ego (my very general interpretation). Anyway HiC, your last paragraph made me think of recommending the book. Very applicable to all of our sitch's. I'd be curious to get your feedback if you choose to read it (or anyone else's for that matter).

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Brantacan,

Thanks for the recommendation. I read some of the many lengthy reviews about the book on a popular website and it sounds right up my alley and in line with the some of the personal transformation I am trying to make. I just may pick it up today and I will give you my feedback.

[sgctxok]

I'm glad you went...I knew you would like Michele. I believe in you Hopeful!

Wishing you every success!!!

[HOPEFULinCALI]

SG,

Michele is amazing. I could tell just from the day that we had with her that she is different than all the therapists and counselors I have met. And I have met many. I learned more with her in that day than in all the years with other therapists. It is a shame that more people don't know of her. The D rate would surely drop. Move over Dr. Phil.

I wish we knew her when we first started having problems. He said the same thing too. What is frustrating about the sitch is that he admitted that with the right we could get back on track. How can you walk away knowing that??? Yes there are some couples that just can't work things out, but he knows that we are not one of them.

As always thx for the support. Hey, BTW you are doing a great job!

[sgctxok]

That means more to me than you know right now. Thanks.

I just can't imagine anyone who meets her not at least giving it the old college try.

Thank for all your wonderful posts and for helping the newbies.

[jmw128]

Thanks for sharing your intensive...I want to go but don't know if $ or WAW will.

and that knowing all of these things and with the right therapist our marriage could be saved.

quite an admission...I'd consider that positive...

Michele and I talked about my plan of action which included to let him know that I wasn't holding out hope for reconciliation, that I would still need time to come to terms with the D and I wanted to continue to work on our friendship.

I'd have a hard time saying that knowing I felt something different...How do you juggle such feelings/thoughts? I wonder how many LBS need to show their WA's that they aren't holding out hope...I imagine it applies to me...