WAW's PA over, but still wants Divorce

[Hope4us]

This no expectations/detaching is so hard. Last night WAW was back to her b*tchy self again. Made some comment during a show we were watching that was obviously directed at me, but she said it so DS15 would think she was talking to the t.v.

I know it's only been about a month since the affair ended in her mind (at least as best I can figure) and one month isn't nearly long enough for her to deal with the issues she is, but this has been going on for me since last March (when I first suspected an A) and it's just so emotionally draining. Guess I'm not detaching enough.

So help me out here. Is her being ok one day and a b*tch the next to be expected? I'm assuming it is, but it just stinks.

[Hope4us]

The weekend was as good as we've had in 4 months. If you didn't know anything was wrong, you'd say it was normal. WAW interacted with me like she hasn't for quite a while. I'd almost say more than baby steps back. Still no more D talk.

So how long do I go before an R talk? Not a pressure filled talk about all the affair issues, but just to find out where we're going? I'm really ok with the way things have been going as some real progress seems to be happening, but I know the question will come up in another week when DS19 comes home for spring break. He wants us to get him a car (which we will need with 4 drivers in the house) and he's also talking about summer vacation and I'm not going to commit to either of those as long as WAW has not told me she has changed her D plans. Do I wait until he brings it up before I talk to WAW about where we're going? That way it's not me broaching the subject.

[macflyer]

I dont know what to tell you. tough call. I have been following you for a while. Even on the other site. I think you are a very strong and thoughtful man. If she would only see how hard you are fighting to save her, I am going to pray for you and family.

Blessings

MF

[Hope4us]

Thanks for the reply mac.

I've been out of town for work all week. Last weekend was really good between us. Thought for a few that maybe WAW was finally waking up. It's been almost 6 weeks since the end of the affair and after talking to a friend of mine that had an affair of her own years ago, she said that around the 5-6 week period after the end that she started looking at her husband differently. I thought for sure that's where WAW was. But then Monday, bam, right back to not communicating with me, basically ignoring me.

So I decided that while I was out of town I wouldn't contact her in any way. I talked to DS15 every night, but WAW made no effort to contact me at all. I got home last night and tried to engage her in a couple of conversations and either got one word answers or shrugs.

Can someone help me with what's going on here? Did our good weekend scare her with her feelings so she's drawing back from that? My friend thinks that her having a good weekend with me is really messing with her mind. She is convinced WAW is conflicted, that if she's having those feelings for me then the whole last year was a lie and she's struggling with the pain she's caused so she's pulled back.

I'm just continuing with GAL, no R talk, etc. DS19 comes home for spring break Wed and I'm looking forward to spending time with him while he's home. I'm also getting spring fever and really looking forward to doing some fishing and bird watching with DS15. Still no more D talk. Seems to me that if she was serious about that she would have done something by now. It's been almost 6 weeks since she mentioned it. Why wait if she's serious?

[Hope4us]

Well, don't know if this means we're getting closer to working on our marriage or not, but this morning was quite the development.

WAW and I got into a discussion about whether or not we were going to get another car since we will soon have 4 drivers in the family. WAW said she had been thinking about it and what did I think. I told her I needed to know what her plans were as far as our future before I would commit to going into more debt. She said she's not going to file for D or move "at least" until DS15 graduates from H.S. That is a big development. 6 weeks ago she had said "I want a divorce, it's what I want. We're not getting any younger" and a whole bunch of other fog speak, and she was talking RIGHT NOW. Forward to today and now she's staying for at least 2 more years. Talking about a family vacation this summer and even talking about a vacation with me and another couple in the fall.

I did my best DB. Didn't push any R talk. Didn't ask for any kind of commitments. Didn't discuss her affair. Didn't pursue in any way. I figure the affair has only ended in her mind 6 weeks ago and now I have at least 2 more years so I've got plenty of time to "court" her.

I'll be working on the things that she's mentioned she has issues with me as well as contuining to GAL and not push anything. I already brought up a possible solution to one of her issues, our finances. I've always taken care of all of the money, etc and that was fine with her, but in one of her rants about how evil I was she made a point of not liking not really controlling any part of her money. I gave her some options as to how we could make her more comfortable in that regard and she told me she'd think about it.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This weekend has been ok. Today is GREAT! I know we still have a long way to go, and maybe we'll never get there, but at least I'm still in the game!

[Hope4us]

OMG!!!!! Last night it was like my wife was back! We talked and talked and talked. Laughed, joked around with each other. Discussed a trip I had suggested for just us in Oct. Told her that I had reserved a room that has a hide a bed in the living room, that way I could sleep on that and she could have the bedroom to herself, if she decided she wanted to go and she looked at me and made a gesture that said, "it's not a big deal if we have to sleep in the same bed"! Completely stunning! Of course she's still sleeping on the couch at home, but I think that may be my next goal that I set, having her return to sleeping in our bed. Not to try to push any ML or anything (of course, that would be great if it happens, 7 month celibate is starting to get to me!), just to get her to sleep in our bed.

Affair has been over in her mind for 6 weeks (as best I can tell) and the turn around in her attitude the last 3 weeks has been amazing. I don't know if it's because of my DB techniques or some distance being put between the OM and her or a combination of both, but it's truly stunning her changes recently.

She still hasn't brought herself to say she wants to try and make our marriage work, but if things keep going this way, I can only think we'll be moving to the piecing board soon!

I'm trying to not get my hopes up too high, and I'm going to continue with GAL and PMA I've had the last 4 weeks, but all in all it's terribly encouraging.

Funny thing is, now that it seems like we're headed in the right direction, I'm finding myself beginning to feel the anger at her and her affair (and the POS OM). I really need to be careful that I don't blow it before we get to the time to discuss the how, what, why of the affair.

[poohbear]

Hope4Us...

Reading your posts was like reading my early ones. Except there was no OM in my case. But I feel I could have written everything else myself. My W informed me back in July 2005 that she hadn't been happy for years, but I was a good father and provider. All these sayings are read form the same standard script. It seems the WAS passes it on after they've read it.

We lived in the same house for about 9 months after the bomb was dropped. We still slept in the same bed, although she clung to the edge (in a King bed). She moved out in April 2006. I was devastated. I lost 40 pounds. I couldn't sleep. I was a wreck.

After 9 months of feeling bad for myself, and my W telling me for the third time that she wanted to D, I finally decided to let go and live my life. Because we have 3 children, I couldn't help but see her. But I remained cordial, and most times just said hi and bye. I don't know if it was my attitude change, or her change of heart, but around April/May of 2007, we started spending more time together. Our time together turned into dates. In June 2007, she moved back in. We are slowly but surely piecing it back together, but I realize it will take time. The hurt doesn't just go away.

I guess I'm telling you all of this because I can relate to your situation. What I learned most is that time can be your worst enemy, or your best ally. It all depends on how you spend that time. They say you should believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. Or maybe it's the other way around. But I learned a lot about myself during that time. As will you.

Just know that you will come out of this whole thing a better person...with or without your W. Take things slow. Brace yourself for the steps back. Don't read too much into the little signs. Let things happen as they come. I know it is easier said than done. Hopefully, as someone who has passed through the tunnel, I can provide some support.

God Bless

[Hope4us]

Thanks Pooh. As bad as my sitch was/is I realize there are others that are/were in far worse shape than myself and my marriage.

In my sitch I've always thought we could make it once the POS OM was out of the picture. We had what I thought was a very good marriage before the A started. Even WAW said it was good, but she felt like there was something missing. There were just a number of things that all lined up perfectly to allow something like this to happen, and they did. Not saying I didn't have a part in the conditions that led to it, but the OM is a serial cheater and obviously knows what to say to women to get what he wants (because of the situation I did expose the A to his W and certain other people. OM went running back to his W after the exposure) and because of a lot of stresses in our lives at the time, WAW was vulnerable. At least that's the way I see it.

Sometimes I'm not sure calling my wife a WAW is accurate. It seems to me that she wasn't really planning on walking away until she got involved with OM, so maybe the WAW title doesn't fit. She sure thought she wanted to walk away after the A started and she still might, but it just seems that as we put some more distance from the end of the A that her fog seems to be clearing.

Only time will tell. I think time will be my ally. If anything I get to enjoy being a full time dad to our last son at home until he finishes school and gets out on his own.

I spent about 6 months feeling bad for myself (but all with her still in the house) before I GAL. Maybe that's what has got her interest back? I don't know. I really think her change the last couple weeks and especially the last week is a combination of the A being over long enough for her to begin to start thinking clearly, my GAL and my I can live with or without her attitude.

Incidentally, (maybe I'll just call her WW, wayward wife), WW has sent me a couple of emails at work today sharing things like she hasn't done in 6 months. It's like she's looking for ways to share/contact me. And it feels nice. I'm doing my best DB by not responding sometimes if I can just talk to her at home about it or by waiting for a few hours before responding so it looks like I'm not sitting here waiting for her emails.

I'm going to enjoy it while I can and I realize that I have to go slow and that there will be steps backwards. I just keep reminding myself to go slow, go slow. Let her come to me.

Thanks again for the comments. I appreciate it.

[Doing_My_Best]

Just read your thread. Sorry you haven't gotten more responses. I think the Infidelity forum gets more responses. Maybe you can post over there?

Sounds like you are doing good. We are indeed in similar situations.

Sounds like your W has given up the OM. Question: how do you know that for sure? Do you have any way of confirming that? What was the main ways your W and OM communicated? I am just asking b/c it sounds like you are making progress and I would hate for contact to be made with OM, and then all the progress is lost.

I think you should keep doing what you are doing. NO expectations of her. By being a better you, by being more confident, you are much more attractive to her. She is realizing what she had in you, and what a great husband/dad/etc. you have been and can be.

[Hope4us]

Thanks Doing, I was thinking of moving my thread over to Infidelity, but I'm not sure how to link this one. maybe someone can help me with that.

Anyway, Has W given up OM for sure? I guess there's no way I'll know for sure as their main communication tool (after I busted her on the cell phone use) is work email/phone/IM. We both work for the same company and OM is a contractor that works for us, but at a location ~250 miles away. They met when he was working in our location, but he moved in Aug.

I haven't explained the sitch as to why I'm pretty confident it's over for good. Here I go.....

After exposure to OMW, OM went crying back to her. From OMW I discovered he's had 4-5 affairs that she knows about. Each time he comes running back when it's exposed/she discovers them. OM and OMW live 1000 miles apart as he moves from job to job every couple years and she maintains the "home". Anyway, right after exposure WW was very depressed which I assumed was because OM ended it. About 2 weeks later her mood changed for the better. I figured out later that there had been contact. A week later WW got up early on a Sat morning, did all her affair primping (including her victoria's secret best) and took off for the day. I immediately called OMW who then busted OM on him and WW getting together. He denied it, but when WW got home that night it was like exposure night all over again. She had driven to meet him at a casino half way between where we live and he lives.
I'm assuming WW told OM they could get together "one last time" and OMW and myself would never know. Guess again. I think that day was probably a last attempt by WW to keep it going. I had seen text messages etc that they had shared that talked about making each other happy forever, blah, blah, blah and I don't think WW was getting that he was using her and it was over....

OMW told OM that day that she was filing for divorce. OM started doing everything in his power to get her to not file. I let WW know that OM was doing everything he could to get back with his wife. Thought she's get it that he was using her and she'd figure things out.

Over the next 3 weeks or so, WW was really down. I took this to mean that OM told her it was over. Then one day after talking to OMW I let it slip that she was still going to file for divorce. I'm sure there was some contact between OM and WW after that conversation.

So for the next 3 weeks WW was as mean and nasty to me as she could be. I'm assuming there was ongoing contact with OM so in case he did divorce she would run to him. So at that point I used my ace in the hole as far as exposure goes.

WW has a non-curable STD. She picked it up in a relationship prior to our marriage. Never bothered me much as I KNEW I wasn't going to be with anyone else for the rest of my life, so if I caught it from her, no big deal. But I KNEW there was no way she would have told OM about it, so.....I told OMW and she told OM and OM.....well, judging by WW's scream fest, OM must have let her have it. It was like exposure to OMW night all over again. WW: "I WANT A DIVORCE" "YOU STUCK A KNIFE INTO MY CORE" "I'LL NEVER GIVE YOU A CHANCE", "WHY WOULD YOU TELL OMW, I ALREADY TOLD OM"? BLAH BLAH, BLAH. I said "if you already told OM, why are you so angry about him finding out? That took the wind out of her sails.

But the funny thing is, since that night WW has changed. You can read in my previous posts what's gone on since that night so no need to repost it here, but that's pretty much the reason I'm pretty confident it's over, and I'm assuming no contact is happening between them. Oh, and OMW has said OM is doing everything she's asked and they are trying to make their marriage work..AGAIN. Personally I think she's nuts, but hey, works better for me. So OM and wife are working on their marriage and (judging by her reaction) OM ripped on WW for the STD and WW's attitude since that night all lead me to believe the affair is over.

I agree her contacting OM would be bad. I think there might have been a point about 3 weeks ago when she might have tried to contact him but got rebuffed. She had really begun re-engaging with me and after a really good night at home, the next night it was like right back to withdrawal. I wonder if she got scared of how we were progressing and contacted him and he blew her off because about 3 days later she started responding to me again.

About a month ago I really began GAL and taking the attitude that I'm going to enjoy my life, with or without her. And that seems to be when she really started taking notice and responding to me.

Sorry this is so long.