My story, please help

[GavinO]

No, my wife does not like my parents, one of the other pressures was that my parents were having issues with my 2 little sisters and kept asking for our opinions and help, which did not help us.

To be fair to W she has flagged issues with me/our relationship within the last year, Oct/Nov as stated and once again earlier in the year. I did not do anything (damn blokes eh?)

But fundamentally both W and me want the same things including a close, loving and friendly relationship. Though it is not happening at the moment

I have improved and changed over the last 5 weeks in many ways, though I still know that there is more to go. The main issue at the moment (apart from the impending/actual doom of our relationship) is that I did not show that I loved her but she will not let me get anywhere near her at the moment.

This is silly as i can accept the mistakes that I have made and i have changed and recognize what is important to me (W and our marriage) mine and my W's happiness is paramount. There is no real sense in throwing it away.

I am digging deep now and I am going to restrict my support to that from my parents and my aunt and this board. There is no need to burden our friends with this situation.

I want us to get over this and have a stronger relationship because of it, though she doesn't want to

Yes, I am a Brit Saffy, i live in the South of England, not far from Bournemouth.

[saffie]

Gavin,

When I was suffering from depression I was on AD's but then I started going to see a cognitive behavioural therapist. I was lucky that I had BUPA cover and so got to go immediately once I got GP referal - but you can get this through the NHS. It's something the Goverment are meant to be really promoting in the UK. It helped me loads. The C attached to my local GP practice was terrible - she was very old school and just wanted to keep raking up the past. I wanted strategies for helping me deal with things. I wanted to change my approach and behaviour. CBT is great at helping you adopt a more healthy approach to things.

A good book is 'Learned Optimism' by Martin P Seligman; he also wrote 'Authentic Happiness'. If you can, try and get a copy of Learned Optimism.

Once my H could see that I really was trying to sort myself out he was willing to meet me half way.

Keep at this, it sounds like you are trying the right things. Give it a bit of time. Your W needs to be able to see some changes and know they are for real.

My email is in my profile if you want to email me. I live in the Midlands, between Northampton and Milton Keynes, in a pretty rural area.

Just an aside really, but just in case you are tempted I would stay away from RELATE - I have only heard negative accounts from people that have tried to use them; they appear to be not particularly pro M which I found very strange - I am not sure how well qualified their staff are.

[GavinO]

I have started an account with moodgym (www.moodgym.com (or.co.uk) which is computer based CBT, seems helpful.

W stayed out last night didn't go to a b'day that she was going to , she went 'somewhere else' and did drinking games & drank from 9:30 until 2:30-3:00am, she said she woke up at 8:00am but was not home until 12:00pm.

She also said that her parents were telling her grandparents about our divorce as W couldn't deal with it, her gran was distraught.

When she got home she started packing stuff up but she also came down and sat with me for a bit (opposite) while rolling some fags. She asked what I was up to today, asked me where the marriage certificate was as she couldn't find it. I believe she knows where it is as she asked me to look where it is actually kept, I of course have no intention of doing so.We also sat in silence (not uncomfortable) for a while while she rolled fags. She also asked if I wanted the wedding stuff as she didnt want it.

She also reminded me that it was mothers day tomorrow. Also she was going to stay at her parents this weekend but said she was likely to return home as it would probably be too hectic. She also said that she had better get this done (move books to her parents).

My parents think things are more positive as we are talking and there are no sharp edges or cross words, and that she is actually approaching me to talk with me, still keeping me informed and so on.

Everyone is rooting for me as I am a nice guy and have a lot going for me, it is also obvious that I love my wife more than anything.

I don't think we need relate or anything like that, i am aware of what I did wrong and want the opportunity to show I have learned from it.

I hope she will stop and allow us to rebuild.

thanks for all the replies, they all help. It is good to have the support and help from people who have gone through/going through/have stopped divorce as there are wiser people here than me.

[cherylanne]

Hey GavinO...
saffie gives good advice...Dig deep. You are a confident, strong, fit, put-together, cheerful man (act like it, whether you feel like it or not). It's time for you to get a life.

What are some solid actions that you can take this week that will make you more of "the man she married"? Do you know what she means, or is that just fluff talk?

What will you DO today to get you closer to your goal?

[GavinO]

Hi Chery,

I have stopped going through the last few weeks and what went wrong to get us to here as I was not moving forward and grinding myself down.

I have resumed my physical training.

I am dressing tidier and nicer.

I am confident

I have stopped chasing W and being a wet fish.

I have removed the doom that I was/am feeling.

I am getting happier and liking myself more.

I am regaining my discipline.

I am digging deep, i believe i have come a long way in the last 5 weeks considering i was very depressed, then had the bomb and had a hard time.

[saffie]

Gavin,

You list sounds good and very positive

I am getting happier and liking myself more.

I particularly like this one - a hard one to do but very fulfilling.

[kturnernc]

Gavin, sounds like you are making positive steps for you. That is great. I hope that you can continue them. I know that it is discouraging, but keep at it.

your situation does have some positive points. Namely the communication. You stated that you thought it was not difficult to just sit there and that it was not uncomfortable. This is good. Your WAW's drinking and doing things to excess sounds dangerous. Let her sort that out herself. Did she have this type of extreme behavior before at any point?

Anyway, keep on going forward. You have a nice list of things. I think I am going to borrow a few of them for myself. Keep up the good work.

[cherylanne]

great job GavinO...

stay busy and focus on being the best you possible. So much more attractive.

What are you DOING when you are not being a "wet fish"? If I were watching you, what would you be doing instead? It's important to be specific in the affirmative, rather than just "not" doing something. Does that make any sense?

When you remove the gloom, what are you doing instead?

When you are not grinding yourself down, what are you doing instead?

Do you understand what I am trying to get at? You are on the right track, but in order to keep up with behaviors that work, you must be specific about what those behaviors are, or you'll fall back into old patterns. For instance, a solution-oriented goal might be "When I feel the doom coming on, I force myself to go out with friends."

You have a couple of good, specific solution-oriented goals, like "physical training x times per week". "Dressing sharp every day", "get 8 hours of sleep a night"...these behaviors can be seen, measured and repeated. You can do them on purpose because they are specific. And when they are specific, you are more able to do them even if you don't feel like it, and that's what you have to beat.

"I am going to re-read and highlight Divorce Remedy"
"I am going to read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman and figure out what W's love language is and start showing her love in that way".

There's a couple of specific goals for the week!

You're doing incredibly, GavinO...I'm nudging you a bit more.

[GavinO]

I thought I'd update on the situation so far,

W stayed away Fri and Sat as mentioned above. She called me on Sunday to say that the car would not start and that she will be back when the AA had come to fix it, she wanted to let me know in case I wondered where she was if I went out, I offered a jump start with my car but she said no.

Sunday was mothers day so I went to see my parents, I believe she saw hers. Had a missed call in the afternoon from her and a text asking when I was back as she wanted to move something.

Sun eve she cam back and we had a brief chat, she asked how I was doing mentally etc she then told me why she wants D and blamed everything on me said she did not love me, had nothing left was hovering near hate, I ignored her, didnt listen and gave me a load more reasons and was getting a bit nasty. I spoke up a bit but not too much didnt push much and was polite. Then went to bed.

Monday she phoned me to ask where some keys were, conversation was pleasant and brief, she also told me that some of my stuff was where she found it as she was tidying up. Did not see her Monday morning as she stayed in her room and she was back an in her room when I got home that eve at about 11.00pm, she finished work at 10.00pm.

Yesterday (Tuesday) I got home from work and said hi then went straight upstairs to get changed for training and came down to use the gym (one in the house). W told me she was nipping to work to get some stuff and she will be back in a bit.

Later when she came back she offered me a jacket potatoe (there have been no eating together or cooking for each other or anything for about a month). I declined as I was going to go out, she got a bit stroppy and had a brief go about the wedding cert and asked if i had hidden it, I said no.

I went into the kitchen to put a plate in there and I emptied the bin, she asked where I was going and what time I would be back, I told her. she just stood there staring into nothing looking a bit down and she wanted some coke (cola) so she could have some vodka and coke, i offered to get some and bring it back, she also asked for some potatoes as well (we had none) . I did this then 'went out with my work friends' (I went to see my parents, its part of the game as such)

When I got back about 10:30pm she asked me to have a look at the back of her head as she had a lump, I had a look including touching her head and hair and confirmed that there was a small lump there but it was not a spot or anything. She asked me if I had a nice time. I said that I did and that I was goiung to go to bed, she said she would be up shortly. We said night and she told me that she had to leave early in the morning so I wont see her. I said I'd see her tomorrow eve.

I believe that there are some positives, only on Sunday did she say that she was uncomfortable around me and she has said a few times over the last few weeks that I was never going to touch her again ever, but I looked at her head for her.

She has moved some stuff out, only small stuff so far and I can't see anything major gone yet.

My parents soke with herson Monday and they have not been able to make any sense of it and they are finding it distressing (they really like me and want theri daughter to be happy (pref with me)) they said that she needs time and emotional space. Whenever they tried to speak with her she got defensive and fiesty. They backed off as they did not want to push her away.

I am detatching myself and backing off. I love my W very much but know that I choose and want to stay with her I do not need to.

I am focusing on me by doing the things I mentioned in a post above.

I know I cannot do anything about the situation though I can do something about how I react to it.

I am hoping my W falters and sees that there is hope, i have learned a lot over the last few weeks and I will make our M and relationship fantastic IF we get the oppertunity. I will make her feel loved and appreciated, I will involve her and me I will look after her and protect her and let her do the same to me.

I am good and strong and I have many qualities that girls would kill for in their men (sounds arrogant doesn't it but it is not intended to be). If W does not want that then there will be someone else out there who would benefit from me. I don't want this, I want my wife back.

I believe I am doing ok, people all around have noticed a difference in me recently (last week or so).

Are there positives or am I reading too much into this? I know it is a long game and I am prepared to play it as it is important to me. I choose my wife and I choose to love my wife (she chooses not to do any of that for me at the moment lol)

The kindness and guidance from you guys and my parents have helped me loads, any further guidance is also appreciated. I am relaying my story to hopefully give a little back and some hope to those who felt hopeless as I did.

(I may well feel hopeless at times myself and i am not 100% there but I am close)

[Just_Me]

Gavin,

Sounds okay. Nothing is likely to happen rapidly given what she told you earlier. You handled it okay and have at least done some things outside the house.

One thing I'd ask you to consider is your GAL activities. What if you were to actually get back together? What if she liked the fact that you were doing these things with "friends" and wanted to be part of it? She can't really be part of pretend activities. I'm suggesting that you should actually do some activities that you enjoy or really go out with friends from work if possible.