My story, please help

[GavinO]

She stayed away last night as she had a drink but came back this morning.

She said that she doesn't want to try anymore and she doesnt love me, also that she wants to go pubbing and clubbing but without me.

She also asked me how I was doing, was my work ok and so on, also that she told the estate agent to do viewings and so on during the week when I was at work so as not to upset me.

She says I am not accepting that its over.

I said marriages are hard work and she said not this hard.

She said that marrying me was the easyist thing she has ever done and this divorce is the hardest thing she has ever done.

I don't know what to do, I love my wife more than anything. I also believe she loves me as well

What do I do, what can I do. Is it all words or does she mean it? I dont know and I am lost.

[sandi2]

GavinO, I don't think she really means all of those words. She is trying to get away from the pain of everything she has experience and she doesn't know what to change or how to make it stop hurting, so she is chosing to live a different lifestyle and to leave her M. Of course, she is jumping out of the skillet into the fire, but she will have to find this out the hard way. That is what concerns me about her mental health. I really wish she would get into counseling just for herself.

As far as what you can do.....well, of course you can't apply any pressure by begging her to stay or showing any weakness in front of her. You may just have to let her go and hope that soon she will see her mistake and want to return. If you think she is valuable enough to do this and you think you will want her back, then set her free. Work on yourself to be the best you can be, so when she sees you, she will like what she sees and hopefully want the man she married back again.

Good luck and God bless. I hope all works out positive for you.
Keep coming here for advice and encouragement.

Sandi

[kturnernc]

One of the things that I see repeated all around here and other places is the phrase "believe none of what is said, and only half of what is done". This is true in what I have found so far. Actions speak louder than words. You can talk all day and none of it will mean anything. Show her that you have improved but DO NOT get up in her face about it. It seems as if she is very sensitive about things right now. I agree that 'shocking' her is not a good idea. That will just drive her away.

Take your time. Do not push. Whatever you do, do not push her or crowd her. By some of the things you have described, there may be feelings still there but hidden behind her confusion. Just give her time.

If anybody gives you advice that seems less than honest... I would recommend not doing it. Be honest. No deception.

[saffie]

Gavin,

You mention it has been worse these last five weeks and also that she has being taking 'soft' drugs in the same time period. Surely there is likely to be a correlation here?

[GavinO]

I have spoken to my parents and they have said that it is not over and I should stop acting as if it is. If she really wanted it over then she would have left and stayed at her parents and just sent me solicitors (Lawyers) letters. They have pointed out that:

She still comes home

She tells me where she is going and when she will be back

She still talks to me

She still shows concern for me

She seems to have got somewhat over the angry stage

They say that I should listen to her and what she is saying, they also say that I need to accept (or pretend to)what she wants. They say that she wants the old Gavin back (I am a lesser man than I was say 2 years ago) and that I need to sort myself out and support her. They also say that there is still quite a bit of hope but if I remain the mess I am at the moment and remain the lesser Gavin then I will lose the chance. If I regain myself then there is a good chance.

They are saying that Clare (my wife) does not really want to give up someone who really loves her, the house we have, the friends we have and everything that we have done and could do together. Also that as I am willing and want to change for the better, it is more than most blokes will do. Why would she want to give that up?

Am I blind to the obvious?!? sorry I am a bloke and cr4p at communicating and listening as all blokes are and I am in a mess so can't see clearly.

I am confident that she does still love me and I of course love her, I realise that I love her much more than I ever thought I did.

Am I being silly and blind? Do I support her and hope she decides to stop (I can't make her stop of course)

Thanks for you help and support

[Gypsy]

Welcome Gavin..

It's not over til the fat lady sings!

Sayings and quotes that I never really understood make sense now.

"Why do you notice the splinter in your brother's eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye?"

Hello.. I have the worst time with anything my H says to me (he promptly moved out and initiated divorce proceedings 3 weeks after he said he had to live his own life). My own misery colors what is going on. He sent an informative text letting me know his plans while I was away. I cried because all I saw was how impersonal the message was and that he couldn't stand being anywhere near me.

After lifting the block of self centered emotion (helped by friends wielding 2x4's of common sense) I found the positive. He was keeping me informed, letting me know what was going on, it was very polite. I started to see the forest for the trees!

I'm working on taking the letting go, accepting the emotional mess of his departure and intent to D (my block) to listen to what he is saying AND take the time to improve myself.

Take a moment to read, to hear what is being suggested without the veil of hurt, helplessness. Relax your shoulders, breathe deeply and calm. Listen, listen listen.. no need to react.. listen..

*hugs*

[GavinO]

Should I let go? and let her do her thing is that what I have to do?

It is difficult. Are there positives? why are they positive? how do i know its a positive rather than just being nice.

She said she has been trying for 2 years, I am just a bloke who loves his wife and has taken her for granted, been selfish and not shown that I appreciated and loved her or put effort in the relationship. I appear to have messed up severely but recognise that now.

I want nothing more than to look after her, cuddle her make her feel loved and cared for. I can guarantee that no one else in the world will ever love her as much as I do or will look after her as much as I will.

I have always given her 5+ back or foot massages each week thoughout our 9.5 year relationship for instance, I bet there are few people who do that. Though I know there is more to it than that and that is what I got wrong.

Still too many trees there for me at the moment.


Thanks for the help and support.

[sandi2]

Should you let her go? If she wants to go.......for real, what could you do to stop her? On the other hand, don't open the door for her or help her pack her bags. You have got to study the DR book. It has the answers you are looking for. I don't know what you meant by the statement you are a lesser man now than you use to be, but you need to become the man she fell in love with. Everything the people here on the board have told you so far has been good advice. Listen and keep coming back.

Sandi

[GavinO]

I chatted with my parents yesterday eve and they have told me that I have gone downhill over the last month. I'd agree as I was/am obsessed.

Interestingly the advice they gave was similar to the stuff here. They said that I need to stop focussing on the divorce as it has not happened yet, nothing has happened yet, but if I keep going the way I am then it will happen. If I sort myself out then there is a chance.

I have been speaking to friends too much and allowed it to dominate my life recently. Which my parents said is likely to piss her off.

They said that I need to become the man she married again as I am not at the moment, I am a mess.

They said that I should also listen to her as they believe that she is throwing lifelines and opening up.

She said that we are both finding it hard though for different reasons and I am not accepting it.

I will be pulling myself together for myself and for my wife. I just hope that I have not done too much damage.

W will be staying at her parents for a week around the 17th March, she also wants a holiday.

I love my wife

[saffie]

Gavin,

Can you see that what your parents are saying is actually very hopeful.

I know my H found it very hard to be with me when I was depressed - living with someone who is suffering from depression is not easy. I think your parents are daed on about saying you need to work on you. That's what saved my M - my H saw the changes. He complicated it by having an A as he was so miserable but basically he was willing to turn back to me because he saw how hard I was trying to change.

Has your W spoken to your parents much about how she feels?

Dig deep and do this.

BTW are you a fellow Brit?