Ahh Cat, the weirdest thing is, DBing is like riding a bike...Blech....
When they wig out and go back to that dark place, you simply get back on that bike and peddle your big ole heart out.
Let yoru H feel the financial pain, let him see the crapp that he has chosen once again. Let him feel it all alone, do not comfort him in any way. My best guess is that he will try and play your emotions a bit at some point and use what he has learned through all of this to play on your heart strings. Stay strong and defocus him, stuff you already knwo but I am going to say it anyway.
thanks for the welcome all)))))))))))) not a place we want to be but I see that this place can be a place of solace and comfort.
Trying hard not to comfort H nor add to the guilt (at some point he was bewildered at the fact he'd have a debt for quite a few yrs, I tried to bite my tongue but just had to remind him that the debt was a product of his past choices). At the end of that combo the best I could say was that he was able to do a budget that worked before & he could do it again.
I'm excited about the 2 jobs I got in church, for the past years I've done nothing, now I have a few plans and look forward to do new things.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Had another talk with him, actually feel better, though I fear I'll get a reality check once we go to the mediator and we get down to business. I should enjoy my innocence while I have it, lol.
I never had to do mediation, but XH and I did meet with L together a couple of times and I was as giddy as a school girl...held my head high and cracked jokes through the whole meeting. It made me feel good when I walked out of there knowing that he didn't get the best of me. Well, ok, he did sometimes, but I didn't let him know that, I only let you guys in on that little secret I agree with punkt that research is your best weapon. This is something none of us obviously want, but going into it with the knowledge will not only get you what you deserve, but will keep you focused on YOU.
Hi Cat. I haven't read your whole thread, but just wanted to say be careful with mediation with a mediator or directly talking with H. I hired a lawyer, but unfortunately did more of the agreement with H on our own and I agreed to a whole lot less than I would get legally. After I agreed to some stuff, the actual written agreement from his lawyer was missing stuff he agreed to. It's not over yet, but just want to say to you BE STRONG and don't be swayed by your H who all of a sudden ACTS like he cares about your welfare!!!
H is in such a hurry to file he wants it to be done this friday, "to get this over with" he says. We agreed to a 'no contest' D, but now that I think about it, how can i agree to a no contest if we have not gone to a mediator and agreed on stuff on paper?
He is insisting he wants it now, first he kept saying it was to move on already, then he finally said it "so you dont' change your mind". He's afraid I will decide to take him to court in a legal battle. I do NOT want that and told him so, but he's deadly afraid of it.
The other big thing, is that he wants us to put on the D filing that we've been separated 4mths longer than we've had, first it was a request. And today he insisted like crazy for it, which now makes me 100% sure something is up, there is a big reason he wants this or he wouldnt' be fighting for it so much. We kept txting back and forth, he tried everything, kept saying how it'd be over "wont' be on this limbo" and that he just didnt' want to drag this any longer.
I'm still looking for a mediator and only got one, sounds good but I want to at least talk to one more. He is in such a hurry! there was an ow, he did promised her an R, it ended really bad when she learned he was never D nor S from me, she is a toxic person when they get together & he knows it and insists it's all over (he was txting her 2wks ago, so he still wants some contact)
Anyways, could it be he is back w/her and promised her something? I already told myself I didnt care if he was back w/her or not, but the mere thought of me helping in some way to facilitate something between them makes me dig my heels and not give in for those months. I'm asking around to see if in any way I can get screwed over if I say we've been separated longer than the facts. And I told him not to file until we go to mediation, just in case. He is adamant to do it, but I won't agree 'til I know for sure.
BLEAH! he is in such a damn hurry, but dont' know why I'm surprised, we havent' really lived like H and W for the past 7mths, so in his mind he was already gone long ago. But not me, I held on to my end til the bitter end, so the grief of breaking it is all new.
Let's see what I find out.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Of course, there is a good chance he is back with her. But whether he is or not, it is irrelevant to how you handle the D. You certainly cannot rely on him to be honest about it.
The D is a business matter. It is not a way to work out things, it is not about the R. It is about business. He does not get to dictate your actions.
Look, he is going to do exactly what he thinks is in his own best interest. He does NOT have your interests at heart. Not taking care of yourself in the D is not in your interest or in your children's. He is worried about MONEY and GETTING IT DONE.
Try a mediator, fine. From personal experience, I can't recommend it. But, whatever. The D will be ugly, it will be unpleasant, you will both feel screwed. Playing nice and smiley isn't going to fix that. Personally, I think you'll do less damage to yourself by letting a personal L handle it, but no matter what route you take, here are some suggestions:
(1) It is critical that you have independent council. A mediator represents NEITHER of you. You need to understand your rights, your options, your chances, what to expect in terms of settlement, and so on.
(2) Do not lie on legal documents. Period. It is not to your advantage and can only hurt you.
(3) I *believe* that a no fault divorce just means that it is uncontested, but does not determine the settlement amount. HOWEVER, I might be wrong. MOREOVER, even when it does not strictly determine the settlement, it may well influence the judge about the terms of the settlement according to my past L.
(4) Don't sign anything or do anything until you fully understand your options, the repercussions of signing, and *YOU* are ready to sign.
BTW, this is not to recommend stringing this out, merely that you take care of yourself in it. Get a L, consult, figure out what you want, DON'T TELL H about the L -- it will only threaten and inflame him, go to a mediator and hammer out an agreement.
H will only become MORE selfish over time about what he wants, not less. You actually have a bit of power because of his sense of urgency, but as things drag out, his urgency will fade, and he will become less willing to give you more simply to get it over with.
Yes, you can afford to see a L. It is truly a case in which you can't afford not to.
Please have at least one visit with an attorney to find out what your rights are and what would likely be decided IF you went to court. NOT suggesting you go to court, but knowing that info gives you a better basis for negotiating, and protects you from inadvertently giving away what should be yours.
Maybe he's just anxious to be done, but it's also probable he wants you to lie about the timing in order to "prove" to OW he hadn't lied about separation or something. Don't let H pressure you into lying. (Could OW be pregnant, btw???).
