Unfortunately I had to cut back on the phone sessions due to finances (even though I am willing to break the bank with the intensive???). I've been left w/a fat mortgage to pay for by myself (i'm sure many of us are in that boat). Anyway, probably need to re-think this and get back in touch w/coach. Again, back to the basics. The intensive in my sitch is analagous to that "one perfect conversation" and i've been too focused on getting us to Michele.
anyway, to answer your question about inviting her to do other things, yes I have to a degree. Movie, dinner, walk w/the dogs...but she declines. Says she can't be doing stuff w/me like that when she's seeing somebody else. That was also her initial response to the intensive invite: "I can't go out of state w/you for a weekend when I'm in another relationship, that's just not appropriate", but then said she'd consider. I've managed to bite my tongue in these situations, but it makes my blood boil. She is obviously still clinging to OM and probably fears that taking a chance on me again could be too risky (i.e. could lose me and OM). She's admitted recently (last R talk)that her and I are way more compatible and a better fit and have much more in common; so I'm guessing he's obviously wooing her in the romance dept right now. He's been divorced twice, has an exW that wants him back, and 2 kids (that my W is not super fond of). So, I just don't get it???? Maybe it's not about either of us (me or OM). Maybe W is struggling w/something else that I'm just missing.
Me: 35 WAW: 34 T: 7.5 yrs M: 3 yrs (2/14/05) no kids ILYB...& EA Bomb 1/5/07 S - 6/15/7 PA started 6/16/07 D Final 10/14/08
I am going to follow your posts to see what happens. I do hope things work out for you in the end. I am not good on giving advice so I'll let others do that but I wish you well.
I certainly understand about finances. I haven't talked to my coach in sometime, but seeing Michele is my sort of LRT.
Originally Posted By: brantacan
Says she can't be doing stuff w/me like that when she's seeing somebody else. That was also her initial response to the intensive invite: "I can't go out of state w/you for a weekend when I'm in another relationship, that's just not appropriate", but then said she'd consider.
I was blown away by her comments. What about that it is inappropriate for her to be dating when she is married. On the bright side it sounds as if she has some realization that you are the better choice. Try inviting her to do something new rather than movies and dinner. Try something that she is interested in but would never expect you to do and if she doesn't want to go then go anyway and have good news to report when you do talk to her about what you are doing without sounding as if you are doing it to get her attention. Take comfort in the small things. Hang in there!
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
Ok the comment about it not being appropriate?? Weird how they can crush you but are afraid of hurting the other person. But you seem to be doing at lot of things correctly. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you.
I was reading your post,wow is all i could come up with.i have been reading a lot of posts.But this one gave me more insight then all the rest combined!Thank you so much for writing this.my wife also just walked away from me and kids.Wish more people in your shoes would post here.Anyways I admire you determination to repair your marriage.I hope you really get your wish.Thanks for replying to Brantacan,that must have been kind of hard for you.Thanks very much,Take care
Me:42 W:41 Married 22 seperated12-31-07,served papers 2-29-08 S21-S20 partialy disabled S17 Divorce sighed 10-7-08 final 90 days after
I was reading your post,wow is all i could come up with.i have been reading a lot of posts.But this one gave me more insight then all the rest combined! Thank you so much for writing this.
That is one heck of a compliment. Thank you so much. This site has been a saving grace for me. Everyone has been so giving and encouraging and I hate to see the pain on this board. So I hope that I can provide the slightest bit of insight into what goes through the mind of a WAS. I wish you the best for your sitch!
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
I was hoping for the best, but trying not to be naive about what to expect. In the first half of the session my H admitted to things that up until now he had refused to admit. Amongst them were that our therapist not only was unhelpful, but made our sitch worse (i.e. letting us argue at every session without ever attempting to solve the issues that caused conflict and supporting my reluctance to move back in); that he understood why I left and did not come back when he asked; that our childhoods were poor examples of healthy relationships; and that knowing all of these things and with the right therapist our marriage could be saved. I felt a small bit of hope with these admissions. In the end he held his ground that the D is what he wanted.
I still have hope that the intensive planted a seed of doubt about D being the solution that he may realize in the days, weeks or months to come. Michele and I talked about my plan of action which included to let him know that I wasn't holding out hope for reconciliation, that I would still need time to come to terms with the D and I wanted to continue to work on our friendship.
It is too early, I think, to say if the intensive will mean the difference between us getting back together or not. I still believe, however, that it was worth every penny. Michele is great! With Michele's help, a new plan and lots of prayer I believe that my marriage can be saved.
Thank you so much for asking!
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
I was hoping for the best, but trying not to be naive about what to expect. In the first half of the session my H admitted to things that up until now he had refused to admit. Amongst them were that our therapist not only was unhelpful, but made our sitch worse (i.e. letting us argue at every session without ever attempting to solve the issues that caused conflict and supporting my reluctance to move back in); that he understood why I left and did not come back when he asked; that our childhoods were poor examples of healthy relationships; and that knowing all of these things and with the right therapist our marriage could be saved. I felt a small bit of hope with these admissions. In the end he held his ground that the D is what he wanted.
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It's wonderful that your H admitted these things. As Michele's book says, "only listen to half of what he says". Is it possible that he held his ground on the D out of pride? He still has a chance to change his mind later.
[quote]I still have hope that the intensive planted a seed of doubt about D being the solution that he may realize in the days, weeks or months to come. [quote] Good for you. Hope is a good thing. I would be surprised if the intensive didn't plant a seed of doubt. [quote]Michele and I talked about my plan of action which included to let him know that I wasn't holding out hope for reconciliation, that I would still need time to come to terms with the D and I wanted to continue to work on our friendship.
So you each had individual sessions with her?
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It is too early, I think, to say if the intensive will mean the difference between us getting back together or not. I still believe, however, that it was worth every penny.
I agree it's too early. It will take as long as it needs to. Hope is good. I am sure it was worth the money. If I sum all my telephone sessions, they would probably cost the same or more.
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Michele is great! With Michele's help, a new plan and lots of prayer I believe that my marriage can be saved.
I am so happy to hear your positive attitude and outlook. Hang in there.
