My brother, you will be in my prayers. In fact, I've written you down on my calendar for the 6th and I'm taking a note to school to put you in my special intentions when we pray before each class. You will be in my thoughts and prayers this week.
Glad the ankle is better and you'll be able to get out and ride again shortly.
I'm also pleased w/ your mental mindset. You are doing all you can and your W is feeilng the heat. She doesn't have to like it b/c this is her baby. Maybe we'll both have to remarry, maybe not. The bottom line is we'll both be healthy in our next relationships, regardless of if they are w/ our Ws or w/ someone new.
Things happen for a reason and we all need to just ride things out to see what those reasons may be.
Take care, my good friend. I'm hoping to hear more from you soon.
Today was a good day. Saw my kiddos. Laughed and played. We played duck-duck-goose. Now, my kids are not all really young, and duck-duck-goose is sort of a game for tots. And there's only 5 of us, so it's not really enough people. But it was silly and we played it silly. They wer making up other bird names, and then it went from birds to vegetables and any old object. Duck-eagle-owl-field mouse-moose-chicken-goose!
My D6 is the one who feels the most... uh... i guess repressed anger? toward me. I mean, I think she is grumpy that me and her mom split apart. And I don't blame her one bit. (I'm grumpy about it too) I have a lot of empathy for D6. She hesitates to kiss me, and she pushes me away. But during duck-duck-goose, she only picked me to chase her. Like 5 times in a row. It was a joy.
We also played yahtzee, and played some other games.
I am really really looking forward to getting my own place, someplace where she'll feel comfortable. I'm looking forward to a regular life with my kids again.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Went for a bike ride this morning, yahoo! That was fun. Good to get the old heart pumping.
I am spending my time during the day preparing for my hearing on the petition for Domestic Violence protection order. What fun!
I had a conversation with my individual therapist the other night - I was describing the various ups and downs on the rollercoaster that is my life. In particular, W's filing of the petition for DVPO. She said, it sounds like your wife is experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
I was talking to another psychologist yesterday about my situation - she is just a friend. And she made the same remark. I had not introduced the idea of PTSD.
None of our family friends can understand why my wife has done the things she has done, none can understand why she continues to do the things she has done (like file the petition for DVPO). Most people don't believe me when I tell them. They ask for copies of the court documents because they don't believe she has actually filed a petition for DVPO.
Does this stuff feel like regular old mid-life crisis to you guys?
She has alleged in court documents that I have cut her off financially, left her penniless. The truth is that I changed the direct deposit on my paycheck - it no longer goes to an account that she controls. It goes to an account I control and I pay the bills from there. I have given her cash and I have signed receipts showing that. This is so easy to refute it is surreal that she says it.
she has alleged in court docs that I repeatedly grabbed her and controlled her in the house. This just isn't true.
she has alleged in court docs that after changing my direct deposit I "fell behind on the bills". First, Ok, which is it? Have I refused to pay any bills? or did I fall behind? Secondly - I did not fall behind on the bills. Most of our bills were weeks and months overdue by the time I took charge financially. MOST. This is easily verifiable. I don't know why she would assert it in a court document. How can she miss this?
she has said I pounded on things and screamed during specific conversations, when in fact that did not happen. She made these remarks only hours after the conversation, so I remembered it very clearly. During the conversation in question, we spoke calmly, though it was a tense topic (her affair). Yet she reported to other people that I was irate, out of control. When I raised this discrepancy with her in therapy, she wrote it off as simple exaggeration. "Pounding on the car" is not a simple exaggeration of "not pounding on the car."
she reported to her father than I filed for divorce, when it is easy to see on the court documents that she is the petitioner. This is just too weird.
She claims in the petition for DVPO that she is afraid to leave me alone with the kids for more than 8 hours, yet only 2 weeks prior to filing, the boys spent all day with me and had a sleepover at the house where I am staying. And only 6 weeks prior to her filing that petition, I spent a week with all 4 of the kids, alone. She approved both of these visits.
It is all just too weird.
The one psychologist suggested that hidden childhood trauma can lead to PTSD, trauma such as witnessing or experiencing violence in the home, witnessing or experiencing sexual assault, and so on. Other common causes are witnessing extreme violence as an adult, as in soldiers.
This seems to fit so clearly to my wife's behavior. She seems to perceive every stressful situation as a grave threat. And certainly there has been a great deal of stress in her life lately, with the affair and all the marital trouble we've had. My trying to address and resolve the conflict directly, through difficult conversations, in therapy and out of therapy, never seemed to work, and only seemed to lead to more problems. This all makes sense if she is experiencing PTSD.
The psychologist suggested that one way to investigate further would be to find out if there was physical or sexual assault in the childhood home. We had never discussed this issue in therapy. My wife once commented that she saw her father punch her mother in the stomach. I was shocked but never thought much about it. W did not like to talk about it.
I wonder if there is more to the story. But the psych told me that I cannot ask wife's mother or father, because they would be complicit in the trauma, if in fact it was present in the home. They are not reliable witnesses. The father might deny any violence (even now, 35 years later) and the mother might deny it as well, still shamed about it. (after the two split, the mother became an alcoholic). I could ask my wife's siblings.
I once asked W whether she had been a victim of sexual assault. She denied it quickly. I wonder if it is worth investigating further.
I'm considering what to do. It's delicate.
Next question is, what would I do if I had some evidence of violence or assault in her childhood home? I don't know what I could do with that information. It would have come in handy while we were still in therapy together, but at this point I don't see it as something I can use to open a discussion with her.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
You probably can't do anything with that kind of info (if it is there to find out) right now. If you do find out anything, I think you would need to keep it to yourself and not let her know that you know. Would her siblings let her you were asking about it?
Would it help you deal if you knew more about her childhood?
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
Yes, I would assume if I had a conversation with her siblings about their childhood, the siblings would also talk to my wife about it.
Would it help me deal with the situation if I knew of violence or trauma in her childhood? Mmmmm, I don't know. Right now I am sort of assuming it is there. As I watch this strange and disturbing drama unfold (at the same time that I am a primary actor in the drama), I am trying to figure out why it all happens and childhood difficulty for wifey seems to be the probable cause. Even without physical assault or sexual assault, her childhood was no good. An alcoholic mother, a father who abandoned her.
So I guess that learning whether there was or was not assault or a specific kind of trauma in her childhood is probably a moot point right now.
It is a moot point. We already know that your W is a wack job liar so something must have happened. What is was, does it matter. It would be great if she could bring it out with a Pysc but that is up to her to want to do.
I feel really bad for your sitch. How do you find the strenth to carry on and pursue the situation?
All I can say is WOW! This is way too eerie for me. I think my W has some repressed issues from her childhood as well or this could be some PTS from a sexual assault from her early college years. However, I think it is more of a childhod issue b/c when we were doing well, she was uncovering her feelings of abandonment due to her chronic illnesses in the hospital and her mother's post-partum depression. She also mentioned something about her father not letting her sit on his lap anymore once she hit puberty and said "maybe it was because he liked it."
She dropped the subject there and stopped looking into it. This is when she returned to the OM and began her "reign of fear" campaign against me. It sounds so similar to your sitch that I can't think the digging and her filing for a divorce are isolated incidents.
However, I'm like you b/c there isn't a thing I can do about it. W will have to want to do it on her own, plain and simple. I may have to express my "concerns" for her mental and emotional well-being in our parenting evaluations, but that is down the road a bit yet.
It is so very odd and strange. I know my W is FREAKED about the parenting evaluation and having to air our "dirty laundry" and I'm pretty sure it is b/c once we get into this process, she'll have to admit she doesn't have solid arguments against me any more.
Hang tough, my friend. I've made a point to mention "my friend who is having legal and custody issues" as an intention during the prayers we say at the start of each class. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Keep pushing forward and compiling everything you need for Thursday. I'm sorry you are in this place. I really am. However, you are doing the right thing for your children and you will come out on top.
Thank you Tree and RTL for the words of support. How do I handle it all? I don't know. I try to keep perspective. My kids are still ok. I miss them, don't see them as much as I would like. But they are ok. Healthy, apparently.
Looking at all the filings, I am hopeful that I will have a positive outcome on Thursday. There is just too much wackiness in what she says. If she is saying that I left them penniless, but I have all the bank records showing I paid the bills and I have receipts for cash signed by her, then what will the judge conclude?
Yes, the court date is the 6th. I am hopeful.
I told someone today that I get to see my kids twice a week. TThey said "that's good!" It's funny how your perspective changes. A year ago I was with my kids every day. I hugged and smooched them every day. Now I see em twice a week. And that's supposed to be "good".
euh.
I'm enjoying this day as best I can. ...thinking of sneaking out for another bike ride this evening. and sometimes in a quiet moment, I am looking forward to better days ahead.
ps: I have been keeping my smile and cheer up, been noticing there are lots of attractive, single women out there. I am not currently in the market, but still, it is nice to exchange pleasantries with a nice woman with a sweet smile.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
SPM, I wanted to tell you, with all you have going on, the fact that you took the time to post to me speaks volumes about you, my friend.
I will keep your children in my prayers. Put them first always. It is hard taking the high road. But I promised myself, I would keep my dignity and integrity. And I see you have kept yours. You are fighting the good fight, SPM. And in the end, it will matter.
I will be thinking of you on the 6th and I will be praying that your W finds her way back before she does damage that can't be undone.
