WAW....now the LBS

[sgctxok]

I'm excited for you!!!

[HOPEFULinCALI]

You're right. I don't want to do anything that will negatively impact our intensive. It is important for us to not have any negative interactions before the intensive or ever for that matter. Good idea about talking to Michele in private. It is difficult to think straight when you get emotional. Thx for the advice!!!

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Thx SG. I am excited and nervous.

[plentyhope]

HiC, I can't wait to hear about your intensive... Good luck, and hang in there.

[brantacan]

HiC,

I too am excited to hear about how the intensive goes. I am so happy for you that you have the opportunity to go with your H. Just stay focused on that day and be thankful that you and your H will be meeting with a world renowned counselor.

Unfortunately for me, I just received a brief letter from my wife asking about a couple of logistical items and then she closed with “sorry, I just can’t go to the counseling thing, it’s just too late for me, talk soon.”

She was referring to the intensive. I think you read a previous post of mine where W said she’d consider. This was during a month spell where we were actually getting along very well, although things were still very delicate.

So, a question for a former WAW (including you Saus); My wife and I are at a little over 8 months S now, just a few weeks ago she was saying things like “I’m just not sure what I want anymore” and “if I knew an alternative to divorce I’d pursue it, but my heart is so empty” and “if we’re going to make it I think we need a clean slate”…these statements were actually giving me a bit of hope because for a while she was very adamant about D and not waffling, but now I receive this letter with her wanting to revisit the mediation process and her stating that she’s just too far gone. At 8 months do you think she’s hit a point where maybe she is sure that she has found a better life, or is this one of those statements that I should just tuck away with all of the other ominous things she’s said and not worry about it? I suppose I shouldn’t be worrying about it regardless. I just wasn’t expecting it and it caught me off guard. Was very upsetting. Fortunately, I maintained my composure and avoided calling her and have now brought myself back down to earth.

Maybe bringing up the intensive was a major mistake that’s sent her running again???

Anyway, if you have any perspective to share related to where your heart was at 7-8 months of S I would love to hear about it. I know she doesn’t hate or despise me, but something’s keeping her from taking a chance on us again. Probably the OM? That’s the one thing that I’ve managed to avoid thinking and worrying about, but it does perplex me that she’s been able to maintain a R w/a co-worker for this long. Anyway, I've been doing a great job w/DB, but man I miss her sooooo much and just having a down day, so had to ramble & vent a bit, so with that I’ll close.

[HOPEFULinCALI]

PH and Brantacan,

Thank you so much for your well wishes.

Brantacan,

At the 7-8 mark I had no plans to reconcile with my H. Although I still cared for him I couldn't get passed the thought that things would never change between us. My fear was that I would return home only to find nothing had really changed. In addition, I just didn't know how to go back, how to make things work and felt that perhaps just too much had happened between us. In all honesty, it was just easier to walk away and admit defeat that to face my own problems. At the 9 month mark I realized that my expectations where unrealistic, that I had to take responsibility for my part in making our marriage unhappy, that I loved him, that I made a commitment, and that anything worth having in life was never going to be easy. Furthermore, I wasn't solving anything by walking away from my marriage, but rather taking a break from my problems until the next relationship.

In my opinion it is difficult for a spouse to see either sitch (meaning yours together and her's with the OM) for what they are when they are involved with someone else. Suddenly the LBS is this and that, all things horrible and the OP is perfect. Hopefully, she will see the reality of the sitch.

I don't believe that bringing up the intensive ruined anything. Now you know that she is not ready for counseling just yet. Keep on track with what works. She just has to see that your changes and the changes in your relationship are lasting. Again this is just my opinion, but her skepticism about your sitch and the OM are contributing to her reluctance. No matter what continue to be her friend. I am sorry for your pain and I continue to hope that your sitch will turn around.

[brantacan]

HiC,

thanks for the response. it reminds me that I need to set more achievable, small goals. get back to the basics. I was making baby steps and then got overly confident. even though I know better, part of me is often stuck in that old mindset that one perfect conversation will win her back. it's tempting to want to fast forward when you have a few good interactions, but wise DB know to be cautious. thank God for the forum.

I am so glad that I at least made the decision to refrain from calling her when I received the letter. I was so angry and upset (because my expectations have been too high). I'm finally back in a relaxed, calm state and feel so good about allowing myself to ride the emotional wave rather than reacting irrationally with a desperate phone call...

stay focused and keep a positive outlook as you approach your intensive w/Michele. we're all pulling for you!

[Pinkribbon]

brantacan how do you keep in touch with your spouse with no children?

[brantacan]

PR,

It has primarily been to discuss logistical issues. Prior to Thanksgiving we were meeting every couple of weeks to grab a coffee and just chat. Then we'd see each other to do things like separate the bank accounts, or for her to get some things from the house, etc.. Then around Thanksgiving she became adamant about D, so we started the mediation process. On the advice from my DB coach and from another program I did early on in the separation, I learned that the D process is an opportunity to connect w/my W. Not the ideal circumstance, but didn't have many other options. She didn't really want to get together otherwise. So, I just dropped the rope so to speak or stopped resisting and just became a friend to her. There were no R talks. I just accepted that we had to do this.

After a handful of get togethers we started getting along better, but at the same time we were getting close to finishing up the paperwork associated with the mediation process. So I reached a point where I had to let her do the remainder of the leg work. I wasn't going to be the one to put the final nail in the coffin, nor did I want to help pay for the D. Instead of just backing off for a bit and giving things a little break I felt the urge to talk about it and expressed this to her and it led to a serious R talk. I should have never brought it up, because she actually stopped talking about the D and stopped pushing to get it done. I just got anxious. We met one more time to do taxes a few weeks ago and the day went very well, but unfortunately I backslid and went into another R talk !!!and that's when I brought up the intensive. She said some things (mentioned in previous post) that gave me some hope, but I think the pain of reliving the hurt over the past couple of R talks has caused her to retreat, and I have barely had any contact over the past 3 weeks. She sent me a gift for my B-day which was Valentine's day (very neutral gift, nothing romantic), and then I received the brief letter yesterday that said "it's just too late for me" (described in detail in previous post) and also asked if i've had a chance to finish up my portion of the mediation paperwork...

so, now I'm kind of stuck again. do i just send her the mediation paperwork and put this into her hands, or back off for a while and see what she does next. I don't like the idea of going dark, but I also want to avoid another backslide...

[HOPEFULinCALI]

part of me is often stuck in that old mindset that one perfect conversation will win her back. it's tempting to want to fast forward when you have a few good interactions, but wise DB know to be cautious. thank God for the forum.

I understand. This has been my problem as well. I become anxious when things are going well and I use to think that there was one perfect conversation to win him back (some books will claim this is so). I soon realized these thoughts and actions set me back. My marriage didn't take a turn for the worse in one conversation so it certainly isn't going to make a turn for the better in one.

Sounds like you are back on track and you know what works. Do you have a telephone coach? If so, what does he or she say about going dark? I think you may want to share time together other than just mediation and everyday things in order to build your friendship. By getting along with her in these sitches just shows her that you can have an amicable divorce, but you want to show her that you can rebuild your relationship. Have you invited her to do things you know that she likes to do or something new that she is interested in him. Best wishes.