No one can say that your sitch will result in D or not. You don't want that, right? It's all H, correct? Let him do the filing and all the work. Help him with none of it.
Try your best not to worry about it. Keep taking care of yourself.
Originally Posted By: karen43
Plus, H apparently doesn't even want to have the kids at his apartment (I believe because of OW) and says he will visit them here. H is like a different person than he was a year ago, since getting involved with the OW, both with me obviously but even with the kids. Karen43
Just my opinion, but I would have H take the kids out during his visits and make plans to GAL elsewhere during these times. He has to know what it's really going to be like without you around. His visits shouldn't be only on his terms because it's convenient for HIM and OW. She will have to accept that they are his children and have every right to be around.
Last edited by GoingForward; 02/26/0807:55 PM.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
No one can say that your sitch will result in D or not. You don't want that, right? It's all H, correct? Let him do the filing and all the work. Help him with none of it.
Just my opinion, but I would have H take the kids out during his visits and make plans to GAL elsewhere during these times. He has to know what it's really going to be like without you around. His visits shouldn't be only on his terms because it's convenient for HIM and OW. She will have to accept that they are his children and have every right to be around.
Thanks for the support that my situation is not completely hopeless cause recently I have been feeling like it is! The director of my play wants to add on extra rehearsal time on the weekends, both Sat. and Sundays now, when H would hopefully be seeing the kids, and I also signed up to help with the sets, so will be gone a bunch of hours with the play each weekend. I thought I would suggest H should try to see the kids those hours, esp. the hours I'm rehearsing, as that would make sense, even if they might not be the perfect hours for OW of course, just like real life. Otherwise my teenage son would have to babysit or the kids would have to come over with me sometimes which doesn't make as much sense of course. Hopefully that will motivate him to spend more/or at least some time with the kids I hope. Karen43
My W was ready to walk out the door back in December and, as if it was a discussion about the weather, she asked if I would mind her coming up to visit the kids each afternoon once she moved to her mother's house (she was NOT going to be moving back into "my" house after meeting the OM)
I told her that it might work for a little while but that I was concerned that we would be confusing the kids. I also told her that regardless of what decisions we make, the courts could change things regarding custody and visitation (I really had no idea what I was talking about at the time).
She went ballistic on me but it got her thinking more about what it was she was asking me to do - it did nothing to change her mind about going to see OM and then moving out, luckily other twists of fate got in the way of either of those things occurring.
Anyway, when he leaves, I honestly believe you need to have clearly defined boundaries. Your space vs. his space. Don't let him pull the "but we share responsibility of the children" crap either. He is leaving and by doing that he is giving up his right (IMO) to just about everything he's leaving behind. You cannot stop him from seeing the kids based on a schedule but you certainly don't have to allow his visits to be convenient for him. Try to be strong with this. If you allow him to come and go as he pleases, he'll have a hard time missing what he has already.
Last edited by Michael Mc C; 02/27/0804:38 AM.
Latest Thread
Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
If you allow him to come and go as he pleases, he'll have a hard time missing what he has already.
Michael is right, Karen. I believe this is one HUGE mistake I made with my H. I've allowed him this very thing throughout our S, and I still do. It could very well be one of the reasons why our S has gone on for so long. My H knows that he can see the kids whenever possible and convenient for him because I won't refuse it. Therefore, he doesn't get a chance to truly miss us. It is a little different in my sitch though. H's work schedule constantly changes from week to week, but if I really wanted to play hardball, I would put my foot down and say, "No. There needs to be a set schedule for when you are to have the boys. If you have to work, then you must arrange for a sitter." Since I work limited part-time, naturally I am that sitter! Guess I need to practice what I preach about boundaries, huh?!!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Thanks for the advice and I think I will try to work that out with H that he will have set times, I think he wants to take them to church each week (I don't think H listens to the sermons too closely!), and I would like him to take them when I have rehearsals so hopefully that would work out.
I had a low day yesterday, I've been feeling down lately with H moving out soon, glad I see my C tomorrow. I went to the rehearsal yesterday and it was a dance one which is always tiring and before that, the costumer was having me try on dresses, so when I got home between the stress/dancing and the busy day trying to get stuff done beforehand I felt tired. H and I have had a routine the past few weeks, when I get home from rehearsal, he is watching TV and I go in and tell him how my night went and we watch a little TV, talk a little and then he goes to bed. Last night I was tired so I just didn't feel up to it, I went to my room and went to bed. I noticed H came in and opened the door to my room and checked on me (waking me up) I noticed it was 10:45. Usually I'm always home by 10:30 so I guess he was worried I hadn't come home or something and was seeing if I was home. So I guess he does at least care if I am alive or not, so I guess that is something!
H came in this morning to tell me he talked to the kids last night about moving out (probably should have waited until I was there tonight but typical H), and he will be moving out March 15th. So I just said Great(what to say to that?), and H went to work.
Spent last night with H watching "Trainspotting". Good movie although slightly weird. H actually said "Good night" when he went to bed. Again, he made a special point of pulling the car out this morning so I wouldn't have to put it into reverse and back it out this morning. Thoughtful, caring gesture he usually hasn't ever done before.
Saw my C this morning. She is always so sweet. I am realizing that my marriage is most likely over, what 99% or something? My H considers it over, and even if he did come back, we would have to go through MC, which might not work, so am feeling a little bummed about that. C always reminds me of the things H has done, and how in my "next relationship" (so I think C is not very hopeful for my marriage either) that I need to not be a doormat. That was my word for it, I think she would have put it a nicer way maybe, maybe not. Karen43
