So much has happened. Not much good to report, unfortunately. I'm going to give the Cliff Notes version of what went on, but even then I'll need to break it up into pieces.
Thursday Night. I had a convo with W. She just tried to weasel information out of me about what terms I was bringing to the table in our mediation session the next day.
Friday. After pressuring me for months to settle our Separation Agreement (SA) and after arranging to hire this pro-divorce attorney as our mediator, and after offering to give me directions to the L's office, my W was over twenty minutes late to this meeting she arranged. This was my W, the "responsible" and "caring" home health RN who prides herself on her reliability and punctuality. She said she took the wrong exit off the interstate -- she is the one who acts like such an expert when it comes to navigating around the metro area, and yet she got lost?!?
The mediation was itself very taxing and I just don't like where it is leading. The L is trying too hard to give W all the breaks she can get. Giving my w 50% of everything when W has already stated it is not necessary is counterproductive. If my W is so ready to bail out on our M that she is willing to not attempt to get half of my retirement savings, then I say let W go -- but the mediator was actually coaxing W to split everything 50-50. On the other hand the mediator at first assumed that W was going to insist on full custody and I would have to negotiate for visitation rights, however I corrected that notion quickly.
W took a couple of opportunities to get a few underhanded jabs at me. She still likes to subtly deride me as a husband, as a father, as a person in front of others.
The house is going to be a thorny issue -- it's going to take at least one more session to work out that one alone. W (and the mediator) wasted a lot of time trying to figure out some way I could refinance the house, buy out my wife since she had no intention of staying in it herself, and still manage to be able to afford that house note and her child support payments and everything else coming my way. I have previously mentioned the real reason W thinks I should stay in the house -- the murals on our S's bedroom walls. The other reason is that I really think W wants me to be financially chained to that house so she can continue with her plans to uproot my kids and move an hour or more east without fear of me following her.
As they struggled with the numbers they began to realize they didn't have enough solid info. Either way it didn't look good and selling the house appeared to be the only choice. I just looked at my W and told her, "Welcome to where I was eight months ago when you told me you were leaving. I knew then, just as I do now, that (1) we have been house-poor ever since we bought the place, and (2) neither one of us can afford the mortgage alone, even if mortgage rates were to miraculously lower enough. I am not going to go to debtor's prison just to prevent W's conscious from being injured any more with regards to our S's.
The mediator eventually sent us home with "homework" to get a new appraisal for the house. As we were wrapping up, W looked at me, seeing how upset I was despite trying to keep a lid on it, and said she was sorry. To which I replied, disgusted, "I'm sorry too."
I left the place calm but fumingly angry and hurt. If my W's intent is to have me to hate her back, she's doing a very good job.
Saturday Night. W is late again in calling our two S's before they go to bed. We are supposed to have "light out" by 8:30 PM, and W is calling after that time. W tried to chitchat about her reason she's late, that she was working and expecting a call from a doctor, and I made some comment about that being her "story" and I wasn't interested.
Sunday Morning. W called and complained bitterly about my comment to her concerning "her story". To her this was calling her a liar in earshot of our S's. And thus started another R talk. This exchange was counterproductive and only helped to further W's actions against our M. I won't go into all of the details, but because of the degree of detailed information I had about W's infidelity, she was at one point accusing me of invading her privacy with regards to email and the like. I then confessed I knew so much because I had hired a P-I. W then asked me what I hoped to accomplish in hiring a P-I -- was it to wrest full custody from her, or to get the child support reduced? I told her, no; after months of denials and deceit, after being called "paranoid" and "delusional", I had finally had enough and wanted the truth -- I wanted this for my peace of mind.
Sunday afternoon. I had a C session. C learned all that happened in the three weeks since we last talked.
Sunday evening. I called to say goodnight to the kids -- W was sobbing. She again said I was poisoning the children against her. She said that S7 had told her that he was choosing to believe his daddy over his mommy when it came to diverging stories. I told W I was sorry for this pain she's feeling, but I will not lie to my S's for her. I then tried to gently persuade her that the whole reason I believe we needed C together is to prevent just such misunderstandings and to cooperate in parenting our children. Again, W resisted any suggestion we do anything "together" -- so the consequences for her war against me will persist, unfortunately.
She begged me to never say anything to our S's about things concerning "adult matters" -- to which I agreed but she needed to define "adult matters". W replied that anything the P-I would find she would consider to be "adult" and thus off limits to presenting to our kids. I agreed and said that our two small boys knew nothing of that information at all. It was at that point W asked how I could be so cruel as to have my two children call her up in her illicit hotel room the morning after her nightly tryst with the OM. I told her our S's knew nothing of what was going on. They are still innocent of their mother's unfaithful betrayal of their father on that and other weekends. I merely allowed them to talk to their mother as usual, while sending her a message that the jig was up now, that she could no longer pull the wool over my eyes -- all without having to say so much as a word myself.
W then called me "evil" for using my S's to send that message. She called me "evil" for involving our S's in such a way. She said that our MC (now my IC) and the psychologist we had seen both had said we should never involve the children in such a manner. I replied to W that the only person who knew anything was amiss during that call was herself; our two S's were oblivious and, in their minds, had a regular morning time conversation with her -- if she was uncomfortable about that it was solely because of her guilt. Furthermore, as for the C, I told her that I had that very day discussed with him how I had allowed S7 and S3 talk to W by phone that morning after calling her room. He (the C) had considered my move "brilliantly subtle". This shocked my W.
My W is still fully ensconced in her romance with the OM, I have no doubt. W still tries to deny what she can. I asked her to stop with these lies to me -- they only add insult to injury. Many other words were said. Every time W tried to cast our M and our R in a negative light, I told her I was sorry she felt that way, but I don't. Any time she cast a judgment on me or our M I kindly reminded her that as long as there was a third party involved, her judgement was colored. There was one point where W claimed that I neglected her, which she cannot abide, but the OM "worships the ground she walks upon". I retorted, "Sure, I worshipped the ground you walked on too at one time! So?"
I am concluding that W has been trying to beat me into submission these last eight months, so that I will either give in entirely or give up, granting her the power to take herself and my children out of my life and to chase her dream with the OM. Her conscious is so heavy that she wants me entirely out of the way in order to be able to pursue her selfish desires without guilt.
If W ever wakes from this fog she's either going to be so utterly remorseful that she'll be truly suicidal (not just words this time) or she'll be so damaged she won't be able to recover what's left of her mind. But at this rate, I don't think I'll be around to pick up the pieces.
All, I just want to say again how much I appreciate all of you.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I am remarking of late how our WAS' tend to project their own irrational feelings onto us, the LBS. They cast all their negative emotions onto their betrayed spouse. When they use words to describe us that are so hurtful and accusatory, it is amazing how in actuality they truly represent the feelings and actions committed by themselves.
My wife considers me and my behavior selfish, self-centered, controlling, hateful, angry, cold-hearted, toxic, neglectful, uncaring, unfaithful (!!!), holier-than-thou, self-righteous, untrustworthy, deceitful and evil. She has used these words or words like them to characterize how she now sees me. And yet these totally describe W's own actions, especially since she began her EA.
It can only be this insurmountable guilt that causes them to project their own negative feelings onto us.
I often think it's the guilt too, NoCode. I can't think of any other reason why my H would do these weird mean/nasty actions/comments to me sometimes when I am still acting loving/caring to him and our children, looking great, GALing, etc., and he has been off with OW often, will be moving out soon, wants divorce, etc. I have to believe at some point they will realize they have been unfair to us and start to act more like their former selves I would imagine and hope. Nocode, I often think your W sounds a lot like my H, so am always hoping things will go well for you! Karen43
She sure is trying to make herself, or convince herself, that she is doing or has done nothing wrong, but on the other hand, you've been a total screw up! She doesn't want the kids to know, she's still blaming all the M problems on you. She has a rather severe case of justificationitis. Terminal, in fact. Stage 4. It must be the only way she can live with herself. Nothing is her fault, it's your fault. She got busted on the A, and she still wants to be sainted. You summarized all that yesterday, but it amazes me.
But I hope and prayer you can keep the kids out of the middle. You don't want to put them there. I know you've suggested C for that purpose and she's refused. Is there any way to build that into a D agreement?
You sure aren't going to reach her, perhaps one day but I would put all of your strategies into getting the best outcome for your sons right now.
