So last night just before I left for rehearsal, H made sure to pull out a chocolate cake he bought. We always have had them for bdays and celebrations. To make the point that he is celebrating moving out. I don't know why he does hurtful stuff like that to me.
It's possible, insanely possible, that he might be trying to get a rise out of you, as in possibly trying to start a fight with you so it will make him feel better about the decision he is making to leave his family.
I can't tell you how many times my H would get nasty and become hurtful towards me just in an attempt to make himself feel better about what he was doing. He never readily admitted it, but whenever I pointed it out, he never denied it.
I'm sorry, Karen. I know it sucks. Let him be and continue to detach. His awful behavior will come back to bite him in the a$$.
(((((Hugs)))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Karen, He bought a celebration cake to celebrate his moving out? How ignorant! Did he tell the kids that's what it was for???? Actually, him doing stuff like this to hurt you is emotional abuse. Document all of it!
I'm so sorry he has to hurt you like that. It's so childish. And he certainly isn't the tormented victim here. GoingForward has a good point -- he could have been trying to get a rise out of you. He'd probably like to see you explode so he can stand back and say, see why I want out of this M?
I'm glad you told your friends what was going on. You need their support.
As far as OW and her family... boy oh boy is H getting into a bad sitch! His little fantasy world is going to crumble fast. If a had a million dollars I would be betting that this R is not going to last! A new R or M does not make your problems go away - they are just carried into the next R.
Get out with the kids this weekend. Leave him out of any activities. He isn't good for your PMA. (And throw that cake away.)
I'm with the others. "Picking fights," in order to justify their poor choices, is classic affair script. Don't take the bait. Either rise above it, without comment, or simply shake your head at him disapprovingly, as if he were a petulant child.
I didn't say anything about the cake. I think I did just shake my head and left to rehearsal, I was more shocked at his cruelty I think than anything, although at this point maybe I shouldn't be. We got along fine today and he was acting normal as was I. But then H just walked in where I was getting ready to go leave & get groceries with an armful of clothes and said he was leaving and would be back tomorrow morning, so he is going to spend the rest of the day and night with OW. I guess he can't wait the week until he goes to live with her full-time. Karen43.
Many people here say that being S is actually easier on you. I think you'll find out it is true for you. It's probably not what you want, but his antics are hard on you.
And don't you worry about him being so eager to be with OW. That balloon is going to burst on him.
Thanks everyone for the supportive thoughts! They really help! The last few days have been rough! I am crying so much less today. Not really that much, but just a little when he left to see OW. I went grocery shopping with the kids, and it was a little surreal b/c I realized it was maybe the last time I would be shopping for the whole family, with H included. I still got all his favorites, his diet soda and everything, I guess if I'd been petty with the way he's been acting, I wouldn't have and even considered that for about a millisecond. I have a feeling if our situations were reversed, he would do that, because for example today when he got lunch for he and the kids he got nothing for me, but I didn't do the petty thing, because that's not my style, and I don't want to lower myself or start acting like that.
I talked a little just briefly to the kids about Dad moving out soon, didn't want to make a huge deal, but thought we should talk a little. They are just totally fine with it, and I guess he is gone so much of the time, always been gone 70-80 hours a week, so his visiting on the weekends won't be much different, and if he ever breaks up with OW, I am thinking he may even see them more at that point than he has lately.
Joie, I am dreading him moving out, after 22 years together, but I know in some ways it will be a lot easier; he has been so mean a lot sometimes lately, abusive, and I don't deserve that, no one does of course. I really do hope his counseling he is doing and the separation will help him somehow with the MLC or whatever he is going through. Karen43
((((Karen))))) I'm so sorry for everything you are going through. He is putting you and the kids through so much. I think a separation right now might be the best thing he can do right now. My H and I have been separated for over a year, but we still see each other and go out on "dates" some. Honestly, I don't think I could have handled knowing that when he left the house he was going to spend time with the OW. I wasn't burying my head in the sand, I know they were spending time together, but it was just easier not knowing when, if that makes any sense to you.
You will also find you don't have to walk on eggshells like you do when he is around. I believe my H has been going through a MLC and I believe your H is also. While he is gone take time to be good to yourself and the kids. I think the play is great! It sounds like something you enjoy and it gets you out of the house.
On the MLC forum there are some good articles about MLC. I can see a lot of these behaviors in my H. The key to a MLC seems to be patience. So buckle up and get ready for a bumpy ride.
Here is the link to the thread that I found very informative.
Thanks, Yoyo! My C thinks H is going through an MLC, and other people have said they think he is also. He came home today after spending 24 hours with OW, and gave me a lecture that I was falling down on my responsibilities b/c I had let my S14's room get messy! I've been doing the play, been sick the past few days, went grocery shopping yesterday anyway which took several hours, did an hour housework last night before bed, but his room got by me with all the stuff going on this week. Can you believe H lectured me about responsibility when he was out with OW for the past day/night? And is about to move out? Is that just too ridiculous? Karen43
He's nitpicking, Karen. My H does it nearly every single time he comes by. For no reason whatsoever, he'll walk around every room in the house and find something, anything, wrong and be sure to point it out to me. The kids left toothpaste in the bathroom sink, they didn't put a new roll of toilet paper on the holder, clean folded clothes I place on my bed that I haven't put away yet, or leftovers in the fridge. It irritates the crap out of me, and I feel like saying, "WTH do you care? You don't live here anymore." I certainly don't complain about what his place looks like nor do I have the desire to.
I think it's just their way of convincing themselves that this environment is all wrong for them, making the decision to leave that much easier. They refuse to see what's good in the home.
Don't let H get under your skin. Tell him you're sorry the mess bothers him and leave it at that. Change the subject to something more pleasant or walk away.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Thanks, GoingForward! I think that is probably true; he is trying to make the process easier by convincing himself that he is right in leaving me for whatever reasons. I am so glad I made it through the weekend! I noticed Sunday I was reverting to my old depression behavior and hid out in my room to avoid H and his hurtful comments/actions. I then came out in the afternoon and did cleaning and laundry. H took the kids out to dinner. I spent the evening with H watching a Clint Eastwood "Good, Bad, the Ugly" movie. It was really good. He had seen it before, so when I was all stressed about the 3-way gunfight he was just smiling at me. We talked & laughed again through the movie. My H is like a Jekyll & Hyde (my C mentioned that and I have to agree). Weird.
I think H is going to move out this weekend so that will be another stressful weekend. He hasn't told us exactly when, and doesn't talk to the kids about it. My D8 is clearly stressed, today she asked me if her dad had moved out yesterday, I said no, but I think soon. She keeps saying today over and over that she doesn't want him to move out or leave, but she's not going to cry. I told her it's ok to cry, i will be and she can join me. I feel so sad for my D8 and for the whole family. Karen43
