Battlefield of the mind..part 2

[Aud31]

Hon, he's far gone...one minute he 'seems' sane, the next he's spinning in A drama. At this point, can you believe *any* of the seemingly sane comments? (I know you can, because they're what you want to hear in spite of it all! At least that's how I tend to be.)

I'm with BI--maybe more than counseling is necessary for him (medication?)...I hope you can keep any talks all business and try to not give him the chance to spew more lies. They mess with your head.

((hugs))

[Aud31]

Oh, and I have to comment on this WHOPPER:

He sends a few txt msgs, still is, one of them says that ow wouldnt' date him anymore because ... she couldn't do that to me... since I was so kind to her...

What, he wants you to feel all warm and fuzzy for her because she 'respects' you?!?!?!?!

L.I.E.S.

And you, my dear, are a classy, kick-tail woman.

[Sara]

Cat,

The Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde thing your H does sounds like the typical modus operandi of the alcoholic. Are you sure that that is not the problem here?

[cat03]

dont' know what he'd gain by making me think she is bowing down gracefully, i don't know, or another trick from her? who knows, guess I'm still believing some of what he says, it is just hard to know when he is spinning lies and when he is truthful. You are right, I must keep it all business.

Sara, he does get stupid when he drinks, he knows it, he has a binge here and there, but isn't an alcoholic, he is an untreated ADHD person with depression thrown in, and MIL told me this am he was told a while ago he might be narcisist.

I told him to stop txting me tonight, I just wanted to watch "goosebumbs" with d9 and forget all his crap for a nanosecond. It feels better, it actually makes me jumpy and uneasy when I hear my phone's sound for txts and i know its' him. I need to detoxify myself again...

[Aud31]

I'm so sorry Cat...he seems so torn, between what he knows is right and good and the psycho world he's wrapped up in. I know you love him. The good him. I hope at some point he makes a decision and either comes back to you a whole man or lets you go and live your own life. You deserve peace and love and safety. You really do.

I can't understand why, if her pull is so strong, he is trying so hard to keep you on the line. Well, strike that, I do know why--you are worth it. Gah. I just wish he'd man-up and choose a direction.

Be strong!

[cat03]

Ok folks, its over, truly it is. He wants to separate permanently. We briefly talked today and he tells me all these years he never really felt right with me, feels he made a mistake by marrying me, that when I got pregnant (got prego 6mths after our engagement) he realized we were incompatible due to the constant arguments we had, that he didnt'feel he should marry me but his mom made him believe he had to, that all his life he has forced himself to do what it was right. He brought up again this one bad argument we had right before we married, where I told him (i don't even remember what it was about)that I didn't see myself marrying him. I was being a drama queen, dont' know what problems we were having at the time, but it was one argument and he always brings it up.

I asked him if he loved me, and what about all those times we had together that were good, the ILYUs, our lovemaking, all the gestures and stuff he'd get me. He said he's realized he is good at making himself and others feel something he isnt' really feeling, he was trying to make it real but he really wasn't all there in his heart.
Now, I know what you are going to say, that this is MLC talk, I dont' think it is, and even if it is it comes after all that crap hes' put me through. I also reminded him of his depression, but he said he actually felt right now, good even, at saying he was not happy with me, that depression or not he is just not happy here and wants to be alone. That he just can' keep stringing me along like he did all this time, that he sees all the hurt he's caused to me and to ow because he wanted to make believe he cared for me/her. I asked her what about he 2nd child we planned, why have her then? he said he felt we were not doing well and thought that a second child would fix things. That really infuriated me, had I knew his reasons for a 2nd child i would've refused to have it, that I remember when we were tryign to conceive, we were doing ok--he said he was just hiding his unhappiness.

So, all in all, he's pretty much telling me our M was a lie. I dont' think he's that good of an actor and he did say we had our good moments, but this is it. I'm done, I dont' want to harbor any more hope, he's tell me he doesn't want to be here, that we are and were incompatible and wants to move on.

Please dont' tell me to not give up or not to loose hope, I have fought too hard to be told our entire M was a lie and he pretty much never really loved me. MLC talk or not he firmly believes it and I wont' sit around hoping he perhaps changes his mind, I have never seen him so sure of himself. He was pleasant when he came at the beginning, was good w/the kids, talked about how much he cares for them and doesn't want me to hate him.
We talked briefly about our assets, we have lots to divide (bills, cc) but over all we agreed I'll stay in the house w/kids until they both graduate, that we wont have a long court battle and that we both will reach agreements with a mediator. Sure I could get him for all he is worth about the adultery, I have proof and he knows it, but I won't do it, I don't want to spread hate. That's why I will also not tell my family all the gruesome details, might not even tell them about ow at all, it will just make things harder and will make them suffer.

We'll be splitting our finances by the end of these weeks, he wants us to keep going to counceling for the children, and he'll take his huge cc bill with him.

I dont' want to harbor hope, I have done it for 3years and I think this is the time to step down, I've fought to the bitter end and now I just want to get it over with. Poor little s9 asked H today when he'll be back, that's whats going to break my heart, sitting down at some point with H and tell him its over, I'll prob hate H for that one for a while.

I count my blessings and know it can be worse, I know a few folks in the separated forum with Ss who drag the kids across teh state, who subject them to terrible environments and are forced to move. I'm either still in shocked or perhaps having already faced the certainty of S back in December I've already grieved. I'm not expecting to be this peaceful all the time and I"m sure there will be grief ahead, but I'm not alone and know God will never forsake me and will lead my children and I to greener pastures.

[Sara]

Sometimes Cat, an ending, any ending, is a relief. The history doesn't matter. That's how he sees things today. Two years from now the story will be different. It's just a story. What's important is you know where you are going now, and you can go there. It will be better than where you have been. He is unstable. You know that. You don't need that instability in your life. You will be happier in the future. Will he? Who knows. Certainly he doesn't know.

[Aud31]

((hugs))

I think you can honestly say that you've fought long and hard enough hon. I'm so sorry you've had to go through so much. There is certainly a time when one comes to the end of the road and the realization that it is finished, there is no shame in that.

You have done the best you can. And Cat--your best is good enough. You have displayed an amazing amount of strength, dignity, forgiveness and unconditional love. Perfect? No. But extraordinary nonetheless.

I don't blame you for just wanting to get it over with, and in a way, there is relief in being able to step off this rollercoaster and hopefully leave it behind forever (well, as much as possible). I pray that it will be as clean and free from further pain as it can be.

Hold your head up high. You are a stellar person and I agree with Sara that you will be much, much happier in the future.

[LoginName]

Cat,
I'm so sorry. You sound strong. I know it still hurts, maybe in a different way. I'm sorry for your pain.

Do what you need to do. I'll (we'll) support you.

Ok folks, its over, truly it is.

It maybe. Maybe not though. How's this for an idea... say it's over. Separate financially, work out visitation, child support, etc., but leave it to him to file for divorce and do all that work. See what happens. Would you have anything to lose by doing this? I don't think so. Just some time. And in the current situation, taking time to make ANY decision, even about a haircut or new shoes, is a good idea.

feels he made a mistake by marrying me

This is MLC talk. My W gave it to me. Justifying to himself why he is doinng this. It's real to him, but it doesn't mean it's real. You're M wasn't a mistake, or a lie. Your memory is true. You and he did have good times. He did care for you. He can't change that just by saying it wasn't. The sky is still blue, even if he calls it red. Try hard to let this go. Let it go.

I dont' want to harbor hope

You dont' have to. You can really detach now. You can really find that space that you need. Mentally, it is over. Time to work on you more. You'll still grieve. You'll still get angry, sad, hurt. You'll have to go through the whole process. No telling how fast it will go. You'll just have to go through it. You've got no choice. Feel it, don't hide from it. It's yours. You can, have and will handle it.

Maybe this is my personality coming through, but nail down your finances so that he can't mess that up. Get a lawyer if you need to. If you can do it without a lawyer, that's probably better. But protect yourself.

I sense you already feel that strength of mentally ending the M/R, and moving on. You will feel stronger, and freer.

Some general advice: let go of the things you can't control. Don't think about them. Let it go. Take control of what you can, and make it work. Be positive, because it is. The future is bright. You're in charge. You get to choose.

[cat03]

we will be doing the paperwork with a mediator, no lawyer yet, just a formal separation agreement (there is no such thing as legal separation in my state).
Someone told me to have him pay for that, is that because he is the one who wants to separate? I did tell him I'd cooperate, so I'm sure he wants us to split the cost of the mediator. He actually asked me if I could say we've been separated for longer (4mths vs 1, specially since for the last months we were not really husband & wife), he wants to get it over sooner. I told him I'd think about it, that it wouldn't really change things since we are both going our own ways from now on and are filing the agreement, that I rather not and let things be.

Because of the many cc bills and the mortgage coming up (and the cell bills) we need to nail down stuff between today and wednesday, we both get paid Friday.
If I let my mind wonder about the past it hurts, but over all there isnt' that sickness in me anymore, the "what is he going to do/feel now?".

I have to look up quite a few things, he wants me to write down stuff about the cc cards, that we agree on 50/50, he's afraid I'm going to change my mind and rake him across the coals. I try to talk to him normally but I can't, my voice comes out all strained and that's why he is on edge. He's apologized several times about how he doesn't want me to hate him and how sorry he is I'm hurting. He tried to hug me this morn but my body couldn't do it, I backed up and told him not to touch me, all the little familiarities will just make me forget him harder.

thanks guys, needed to hear from you now