OW is married with kids also. But I am assuming she is going to be getting divorced too. Today was bad. H told me this morning that he had made arrangements several weeks ago (without telling me) to move out in April (one day before my play starts isn't he thoughful!) but b/c of our argument yesterday (when I found out he lied about who the OW was for past 3 months a former friend I had helped out several times) will now be moving out I guess beg. of March. which actually is probably better for me timing wise, a month before the play rather than a day. He called me pathetic I guess for having feelings still for him or not wanting a divorce when he is in love with OW. He was yelling at me and I asked him to stop and he said I am in control now and I said fine, keep yelling, and just walked out of the room, and he was left in the room with my D8, so I assume at some point he hopefully stopped yelling around the poor child.
I assume he will be living with the OW b/c that is the only way he can afford it, and that is what he had mentioned before that he wanted to live with her. He told the kids he will come visit, probably on the weekends.
I am feeling really mixed up and depressed. I have been depressed in bed and crying, but D8 said this morning how Dad isn't nice to me and both kids seem fine about him leaving, so in some ways I will be relieved b/c he is kind of nasty to me sometimes. I haven't felt like begging and pleading with him to stay or even mentioning how he can come back if he wants, which I had thought I would tell him but now I don't think so. But still I've been crying all day too, so I'm basically a big mess today. Karen43
You are BEAUTIFUL, LOVELY, and WONDERFUL. Don't you EVER forget it! HE is the one who's pathetic. Do NOT let him get to you.
I am very sorry for what you went through, for what you're going through now, and that your D had to witness it, too. I can't believe he would say things like that right in front of her!
Don't assume anything other than the responsibility for yourself and for your children. I know you're hurting, and this is a low time, but it WILL get better. Deep down you have to believe that, and your babies need to see how brave and really strong you are. Show them that you CAN and WILL go on.
Get all of the sadness out, and then when you're ready, go do something special just for you. Whatever Karen wants! Treat yourself and shower yourself with lots of love. You so totally deserve it and are worth it!
Be strong, my friend, and know that you will be ok.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I also am astounded that your D8 had to hear his yelling, etc. What a horrible thing for a parent to do. He said he was in control but obviously he wasn't.
Don't regret calling the OW. Just remember, it's not over until it's over. He thinks life with OW is going to be better? Doubtful! Plus, it sounds like she has major hurtles to cross too (of moving out of her own house). And what about her kids? Is she planning on taking them? Do they think everything is going to magically fall into place for them? Fantasy!
Puppy is right, you may not even want him or the M if he goes ahead with this plan. Only you can decide that.
I can imagine how hurt, angry and depressed this had made you. Detach! You need to be the stable parent for your kids. Concentrate on them and the work on the play. Don't concern yourself with him or his actions. Don't beg or plead. Act like he's already gone.
That's why I said I had planned to tell him he could come back if he wasn't happy, but now I'm not going to. He was horrible today. He thinks I'm pathetic b/c I still have feelings for him when he is in love with OW. Of course I kind of think I am too at this point. I shouldn't have feelings for him after the way he has treated me lately really. He says he is over loving me, even if he didn't love OW he is over me. He can't get over how I acted when I was depressed (doesn't believe it was depression). (Of course I can forgive him for how he has acted when he had the affair and emailing OW, but he can't forgive a sloppy house which he even contributed to!)And he doesn't see that his yelling at me, not talking to me, being gone 80 hours a week, then contributed to my depression, etc, just blames me mostly I think. But I think if we had gotten MC instead of his having an affair these were workable problems. I have worked on my issues at least. I wish I could stop crying. I was feeling pretty strong before today, but feel weak again today. Karen43
You can't legislate feelings -- none of us can -- they're like fears, in that you can't just "will" yourself to get over them.
I think the distinction that we're trying to make is in how you ACT on those feelings. Why, even before this latest incident, you would invite him back so readily, without preconditions, is part of your problem, just from reading your sitch.
If I misunderstand, and you were just saying you were THINKING that, but would never SAY that to him . . . or if you WOULD have some serious preconditions, then my apologies. I'm new here.
I had wanted to invite him back if we separated if he was unhappy with the OW, thinking if they broke up at some point I would allow him to move back in, and I would tell him that he was welcome to move back in if he wanted to if it didn't work out with OW. Now, after how things have gone today, I think I will try to be friendly and mildly DB which we haven't been very friendly to each other today. H insists the affair has not been destructive to our marriage, which I do not believe and we have been arguing over that today. I am not planning on offering H any invitations to move back in the future right now, puppy, so I guess you will be happy to hear that. I don't think H wants to hear that anyway, so it would be falling on deaf ears anyway! Karen43
Sorry to hear that your H would do and say those things in front of your D, its never ok to do that. I have talked, not shouted, in front of the kids before, and even that is not good. My W is the one that thinks its fine to show disrespect in front of the kids...
We have to learn to be strong, for our children at first, and then for our own selves. I understand a lot of how you feel, but you are doing great, despite the current setback. And it is not a sign of weakness to cry, you have to take time to mourn the things that are lost. Don't know if I'm sounding coherent, I'm really tired today.
Peace and love Brad
Me: 35 W: 34 S8 & S5 M: 11 IDLY: 08/2007
"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" - Janis Joplin, Me and Bobby McGee
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about dancing in the rain!"
So last night just before I left for rehearsal, H made sure to pull out a chocolate cake he bought. We always have had them for bdays and celebrations. To make the point that he is celebrating moving out. I don't know why he does hurtful stuff like that to me. I have been cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, good, faithful wife. He has been doing all the stuff he has been doing, and yet he acts like he is the tortured victim in the marriage for some reason. I don't get it.
I was so happy to go to rehearsal last night. I finally told most of my friends there, maybe all of them?, about H and the marriage and they are all supportive. Many of them know OW's kids and my kids and all say my kids are sweet but OW's d14 is troubled and a handful and her stepkids are emotionally troubled, anexoric, etc. I am not too surprised b/c I know she works 50 hours or so and then has been spending 30-40 hours a week on the affair with my H so doesn't spend much time with them, so I don't think that is good for kids. H seems to have picked an OW that is almost my opposite I think. So I hate to admit I am a little happy I think her kids will disturb a little of his perfect fantasy life with OW. OW has two last names (she is married with kids currently) and her D14 a different third last name so I am also thinking she is on her 2nd or 3rd marriage, and if H wants to marry her he will be her 3rd or 4th husband, so that means I think she's got some issues too, so wonder about that too...Karen43
